10

THEN

Van assessed Maxie's outfit with a disapproving frown. "Don't you have anything tighter?" she asked, tugging at Maxie's loose fitting blouse. "How about a skirt?" Her eyes went down to Maxie's flat shoes. "Or heels, at the very least."

"I'm not wearing heels. We're going dancing."

With a sigh, Van shrugged. "Then I guess what you're wearing is fine. I mean, it's cute and all. I just don't see why you never wear anything sexy. We're women, Maxie. We're allowed to show some skin."

"It's wintertime, Van."

Van waved her off and grabbed her purse. "Whatever. The guys are waiting, let's go." Maxie followed Van into the living room and Isaac rose to his feet. "Sorry for the hold up. We're ready now," she said, going to him. He hugged her and gazed at Maxie over her shoulder.

"You both look beautiful," he said, swallowing her with his eyes.

"Thanks," Van said, pulling away. "I tried to get Maxie to dress up a little more but she insists on looking like a high school student wherever we go."

"Don't worry, babe, you look fine," Alex said, resting his hand on the small of her back. "Just change your shoes and you'll be perfect."

"Fine," she huffed, and went to her room to find a comfortable pair of heels. When she returned, everyone already had on their coats.

"So much better," said Van.

"You look great," said Alex.

"I liked the other shoes, too," said Isaac, and Maxie was thankful because she had them in her purse.

They went to a nearby lounge and found a seat in a dimly lit booth in the back. Maxie slid in next to the wall, and Isaac slid in across from her. How strange it was for her to be with him in the company of others again. She felt as if her guilt were written on her face. I was with him two nights ago, in big black letters across her forehead.

She tried to keep her gaze off of him, but it was impossible. Every time he moved, every time he spoke, every time he laughed, she'd find herself staring at him, wondering if he, too, could think of nothing but the past few nights they'd spent together. It was all she could see when she looked at him, it was all she could think about.

He didn't seem as bothered. In fact, he carried on as if nothing was different. He barely looked at her, and when he did, there was nothing in his eyes. He spoke to her lightheartedly, with ease. He kept his arm draped over the back of Van's seat, and even kissed her temple when she leaned in close to him. Maxie wondered if she'd dreamt all the time they'd spent together.

And then Van said, "We should throw a party on the roof. It's pretty nice up there, right, Max?" Van turned to Isaac, and said, "Maxie goes up to the roof all the time, and just sits up there. Sometimes in the middle of the night. Even when it's freezing cold."

Isaac's eyes went to Maxie, and in them she saw everything she'd been missing. Her skin grew hot, her heart pace quickened, and then Isaac blinked and whatever had been there was gone again. Maxie had seen it, though, took comfort in it. She wasn't crazy after all.

"Babe, don't you want a drink?" Alex asked after she ordered a second glass of water. "Have one, we're here to have fun."

She shook her head. "No, thank you."

"No wine tonight, Max? Alex, did you know Maxie's become an avid wine drinker? She finishes the whole glass now. And sometimes a whole bottle," Van said with a laugh.

Alex looked at her and smiled. "Our baby is growing up."

Maxie rolled her eyes. "You act like I've been having a shot of whisky with dinner every night. It's just wine."

"Seeing as it's you, Max, it may as well be whisky," Alex replied, dropping a kiss on the corner of her mouth.

"I love this song. Let's dance, Van," Maxie said, prodding Alex to move.

"But no one's dancing."

"So what? There's a dance floor, let's use it." She took Van's hand and pulled her to her feet, but really she would have gone and danced alone if it meant getting away from the conversation.

Van frowned, looking around uneasily. "This is so awkward, Max."

Ignoring her friend's complaints, Maxie found a place in the small, open space and began to move to the sound of the music. Isaac and Alex watched as the girls danced by themselves, Maxie more enthused than Van, who peered around insecurely. She didn't relax until two couples and a group of girls joined them on the floor.

 

Isaac watched as Maxie bounced and spun, raised her hands above her head, and moved her hips to the beat. Her eyes were closed and she was smiling widely, as if she were the only one there. As if no one were watching. It wasn't until the waitress returned with their drinks that he look away from her.

"Can I get you boys anything else?" the girl asked. Alex's eyes moved over the curve of her hips and up her belly to her breasts, overflowing from the low neckline of her top. He grinned at her.

"I don't think so," he said. "Not unless you're on the menu." The girl smiled flirtatiously and sauntered off, giggling. Alex chuckled to himself. "She was into it," he said.

Struggling to keep the hate from his eyes, Isaac replied, "Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah. It's because she knows I'm here with someone. People always want what they can't have. Especially women."

Isaac's eyes found Maxie again. She was wrapped in Van's arms, dancing playfully and seductively against her. "What does Maxie want?" he asked.

Alex frowned. "I wouldn't cheat on Max or anything. I just like to flirt, she knows that."

"Does she now?"

"Sure. She probably expects it. I flirt all the time. It's for my ego, you know? I like to know that I still have options. Just in case." He leaned closer to Isaac, Isaac leaned back. "Between me and you, sometimes I just don't know with Maxie. We get along great, I treat her well, I think she's happy with me. But she just has this wall up, you know? I can't even say that I would be surprised if she left me tomorrow. Confused, yeah, but not surprised. She's just out-of-the-blue like that."

"I'm sure she wouldn't leave you tomorrow without good reason," Isaac said.

Alex shrugged. "No, I don't think so either. I'm saying, though, if she did, I probably wouldn't be that surprised. I mean, it's been months with us and she doesn't want to move forward." Isaac smirked. "Like I said, she seems like she's happy with me, like this could be a long-term thing, but she just doesn't want to go to the next level. I don't understand it."

"Seems like there's a lot of things you don't understand, Alex."

He nodded. "About Maxie. You're damn right there are. And it's not because I don't try, either. I try. But she won't open up to me. Do you know about her parents? And I don't mean the obvious stuff, I mean the details. Like why her mother killed herself? Where her father is? I know he left her, but where'd he go? Sometimes I think it still bothers her. Why wouldn't it? But she won't talk to me about it."

Isaac knew the details of her parents. He knew that Maxie's mother, Noelle, had always battled with depression. He knew that Victor, Maxie's father, had spent most of his time neglecting his family, which may have been what had pushed Noelle over the edge. He knew that Victor had up and left just weeks after Noelle's funeral and Maxie hadn't seen him since. But Isaac only knew because Van had told him. Recalling all of their conversations, he realized Maxie rarely brought up her parents. In fact, she never mentioned her father at all, let alone how his absence affected her. Again, he looked at her, still laughing and dancing on the dance floor. She seemed happy. How did she do it?

"And Van," Alex said. "She has this weird connection to Van. This fucking loyalty to her. I get it, they're best friends and all, but it's more intense than that. She feels like she owes Van, I guess. Van and her family, for taking her in and supporting her and stuff."

Isaac wondered if Van felt Maxie owed her, too. He'd noticed the attachment between them. As much as Maxie was devoted to Van, Van was devoted to Maxie, protectively, almost possessively.

Before Isaac could reply, the music slowed. He stood. "Excuse me, Alex," he said, making his way to the dance floor.

"I'm right behind you," Alex said. He went to Maxie and took her in his arms as Isaac took Van.

Draping her arms around his neck, Maxie rested her head against Alex's shoulder as they danced. Behind him, Isaac held Van, but his gaze locked on Maxie and remained there until the song was over.

 

Isaac carried Van to her bed that night before heading out. "Why aren't you staying?" she slurred, holding onto the sleeve of his coat. "Don't leave."

Maxie stood by the door as he leaned over Van. "I have to go," he said. "But I'll be back soon, okay? Drink lots of water."

Nodding, Van pulled his face to hers and kissed him passionately. Maxie dropped her eyes and let them linger on the floor until she felt Isaac approaching. Pausing before her, he said, "Good night, Maxie," but she heard all the things he wanted to say. She heard them loud and clear.

"Good night," she said.

"Maxie," Van groaned. "Come lay with me. Alex left, right? Sleep in here with me tonight."

Shooting Isaac one last glance, Maxie went to Van and climbed into the bed next to her. Sighing lightly, Van snuggled close to her friend. "I had fun tonight," she said.

The front door opened. Maxie heard Isaac leave. It closed. Suddenly, she felt alone.

"Me, too," she said.

"We should double date more often. Alex is actually bearable when Isaac is around. I guess because when Isaac is around, nothing can annoy me." She sighed again, wistfully this time. "Oh, Max," she said. "I haven't felt this way in so long. I really like him. Really like him. He's so perfect. So tall, so handsome, so sweet, and smart and funny. Sometimes I feel like he's just too good to be true."

"You deserve him," Maxie managed, her voice just above a whisper. The statement was more for her own sake than Van's, anyway.

"I know. That's what I keep telling myself. I deserve to be happy. After everything I've been through, why shouldn't I? It's time I let another man in my life. And I think Isaac is the one." She chuckled giddily. "My God, I haven't felt like this since high school. That excited feeling. You know, when you get butterflies?" Oh, Maxie knew all right.

"I'm happy for you, Van."

"I'm happy for you, too. Even though I'm not Alex's biggest fan, if you're happy, I'm happy. You're happy, right?"

"Mm hmm."

"Maxie," she said. "I don't mean to overstep my boundaries, but I have to ask. When are you going to... you know. It's been so long already. He deserves something for waiting, if nothing else."

"I don't know, Van."

"Are you scared?"

"No."

"Then what?"

"What if Alex isn't the one?" What if Isaac is?

"What if Alex is the one?"

Maxie shrugged. "If he is, then he won't mind waiting until I'm sure."

 

NOW

Maxie went to Bea's house after the surprise party. As badly as she wanted to stay home and be in the same space as Isaac, she dreaded being in the same space as Isaac and Van. She spent the next afternoon at Bea's shop, in the tattoo chair, trying to sit still under the sharp pain of the needle, yet somehow calmed by the steady buzz of the gun.

"Did I tell you they didn't come out of the bedroom for the rest of the night last night?"

"I was there, Max."

She sighed. "I wonder if they even realized I was gone."

"I'm sure they did," Bea said, as Maxie grumbled, "I doubt it."

Bea finished her tattoo, and as she wrapped it she asked, "Are you coming back to my place tonight?"

"I can't. The family's coming over for dinner."

Bea frowned.

"Tell me about it," Maxie said with a sigh.

When Maxie got home to start dinner, she was pleased to find Van and Isaac weren't there. She'd gotten through most of the preparations without interruption when the front door opened and Van scurried in and ran to the bedroom, shrieking, "They'll be here any minute!"

Isaac plodded in after her, toting shopping bags and an exhausted expression. "Long day?" Maxie asked.

"Too long," he groaned, dropping the bags on the kitchen table and making his way to the stove. Maxie inhaled sharply as he stopped next to her, so close his arm brushed against her shoulder, and looked over the steaming pots. "Mm," he said. "Looks good."

She stepped back. "What did you get?" she asked, looking over at the shopping bags.

"Van thought I should get a fresh outfit for tonight. I guess she thinks if my clothes are nice enough, her mother won't pay attention to the gunshot wound in my head."

Maxie smiled and pulled a plaid button-down shirt from the bag. "This is what you got?" she asked.

He raised an eyebrow. "Yeah. Why?"

Shrugging, she put the shirt back in the bag.

He laughed. "What was that?" he demanded.

"Nothing."

"You don't like the shirt?" he asked, pulling it from the bag again.

"Shirt's nice," she said halfheartedly.

He narrowed his eyes. "What's wrong with it? It's plaid, it's a simple plaid."

"I don't know. Maybe I'm just particular about my plaids."

"Well, what's wrong with this one?" he pressed. "It looks just like the one I have on." With a shrug, Maxie said nothing. Isaac dropped the shirt back in the bag. "Van thought it was a very nice shirt."

Maxie nodded. "And her opinion is the one that matters."

"What do you think I should wear?"

"Your new plaid shirt."

"I'm not wearing that stupid plaid shirt."

"It looks expensive."

"Fuck, it was expensive."

"Then you should wear it."

"But you don't like it," he said.

Her cheeks flushed pink. "You have a nice denim shirt. Dark blue," she said.

He nodded. "I know exactly what shirt you're talking about. Did I get that recently?"

"You've only worn it once," she replied. She would know. She bought it for him.

"Okay, then. Denim shirt it is."

She smiled. He smiled. For a moment, they simply stood there, silent but comfortable. Then Maxie opened her mouth to speak, but Van rushed out of her room before she could utter a word. "Max! Are you ready? Isaac, get dressed!" She disappeared into the bathroom.

With a sigh, Isaac grabbed his shopping bags off of the table. "You heard the woman."

She watched him make his way to Van's room, and then she turned off the oven and went to her own room to prepare herself. Mentally, most of all.

 

Kathy Trimmel arrived with Van's younger brother a minute and a half before they were due. "Just a minute early," Van said, going to answer the door. "She's practically late." She pulled the door open and Kathy stepped inside, followed by Tony. Isaac remained in the living room, practically in the corner against the wall, and watched as Van and Kathy embraced.

Kathy barely hugged her daughter, but instead peered around the apartment. "Why is it so dark in here?" she asked. "Open the blinds or something." She let Van go and stepped further inside.

Van gave Tony a brief, one arm hug with her face turned away from his.

Kathy continued, "Why don't you girls get rid of this furniture? That's what it is, this tacky old furniture."

"I told Maxie," Van said.

"Hey!" Maxie snapped from the kitchen. She was leaning over the stove, wearing a thick robe around her body and a towel on her head, pulling the roast from the oven. "Leave our furniture alone! It gives the apartment character."

Kathy's eyes widened when she saw Maxie. "What are you wearing?" she cried.

Maxie looked down at her robe and then back up at Kathy. "What?"

"Jesus, Max, put on some clothes. There are men here!" She turned to Van. "Is this what you girls do? Prance around naked around each other's men?"

"I'm not naked!"

"You might as well be," Tony piped up.

"Mom, relax," Van said. "It's Maxie."

Tony scoffed. "Exactly."

Maxie's eyes widened, Kathy raised her hand and waved her son off. "Stop it, Tony. Max, just go put on some clothes. It's inappropriate."

Rolling her eyes, Maxie pulled off her towel, letting her curls fall free as she made her way back to her bedroom. "Hello to you, too," she grunted, shutting the door behind her.

Isaac didn't take his eyes off of her until she disappeared, and then he turned his attention back to Kathy who watched him intently. For a moment or so, she simply stared at him, jaw taut, eyes narrow. And then Van stepped forward.

"You didn't waste a minute, huh?" she snapped quietly.

Kathy turned to her daughter. "Excuse me?"

"Why did you do that? You make her feel like she's doing something wrong in her own home! We don't have those insecurities here, Mom. Not here."

"I'm not saying you do. I just think it's inappropriate to be walking around in a robe, just out of the shower, in front of someone else's boyfriend. I'm wrong for that?"

"You're paranoid."

"No, honey, I'm proactive. Stopping anything before it starts. You should know better than anyone that things happen."

"Right," Van said, rolling her eyes. "So let's punish Max. Let's punish her forever."

"I'm not punishing her—!"

"Ugh, can we not have this conversation? For once?" Tony interjected.

"You started it," Van shot back. "With your snide little comment as soon as you came in."

"Alright!" Kathy said. "Alright, now. This isn't what we came here for. I just wanted to have a nice dinner with my girls. Can we do that?"

"Can you behave?" Van asked.

Kathy nodded. "Fine. Yes. Not that I did anything wrong, but yes."

 

The three of them made their way to the kitchen table, and finally Van brought her attention to Isaac. It was as if they all had forgotten he was standing there. "Oh! Isaac, come sit down," she said, patting the chair next to her. "I guess this calls for a reintroduction. This is my mother, Kathy. And my brother, Anthony."

Isaac wasn't sure what to say. Nice to meet you? Nice to meet you again? Luckily for him, Kathy spoke first. "You really don't remember me?" she demanded.

"I'm sorry, no."

She looked to her son in disbelief than back at Isaac. "I'm practically your mother-in-law! We're family!"

"If he doesn't even remember me, what makes you think he's going to remember you, Mom?" said Van.

"I don't know. He liked me," said Kathy.

"You didn't like her that much," Van whispered to him.

Before Kathy could say anything else, Maxie emerged from the room. Her hair hung down against her neck and she wore jeans and a tank top. Isaac didn't take his eyes off her.

"Ah, that's better," Kathy said, opening her arms. "Come give me a hug." Kathy didn't get out of her seat; Maxie bent to hug her. "How are you, hon? Good? Don't mind me, you know how I am."

"Yeah," Maxie said, pulling away. "Hey, Tony."

He nodded. "We going to eat soon, or what? I'm starving."

"Yes, and everything smells so good," Kathy agreed.

Maxie walked to the stove, where she picked up the roast and brought it to the table.

"So, Isaac," Kathy said. "How have things been for you? Hard?"

"I'm dealing," he said, working hard to turn his attention to Van's mother.

She patted his hand. "Of course. You've always been strong. And you have Van, so I'm sure that makes it easier."

He looked at Van, who beamed at him, and nodded. "Yeah. Van's helping out a lot."

"Have you given up your apartment yet? You're staying here for good now, aren't you?" Kathy asked as Maxie brought over the vegetables. He wanted so badly to look at her, but kept his eyes on Kathy.

"We're still thinking about it," he said, politely adding, "Van and I."

"What's there to think about? The best way to move on with your life is to carry on the way you were living it, right? It's been over a year with you two now. Don't you think it's time to step up to the next level?"

"We're taking it day by day, Mom," Van said.

Tony, already loading his plate before Maxie even finished putting all of the food on the table, cleared his throat. "So, all three of you guys are going to live here? Van and Isaac, and then Maxie?"

"What's wrong with that?" asked Van.

"I don't know. Don't you just feel a little awkward, Max? Being the third wheel and all?"

Maxie shrugged. "I don't know. I guess I never thought of it," she lied.

"Well that's what you all should be considering," said Kathy. "I don't think it's a bad idea for you to get out on your own anyway, Max. I mean, you're out of Julliard now. You covered yourself in those tattoos of yours, so you can just kiss your career in dance goodbye. But what about your other goals? Aren't you writing a novel or something?"

"Actually, I'm publishing a cookbook." She brought the juice to the table and filled everyone's cup. Tony gulped his down in seconds.

"See? That's great, honey. You're about to be a published author. You should really consider leaving the nest."

"We left the nest when we were seventeen, Mom," Van said. "Leave her alone, she doesn't have to go anywhere."

Kathy shrugged. "It's just a suggestion. I think it would be better for everyone."

"Maxie," Isaac spoke up. "Why don't you sit down and eat?"

Everyone looked at him. Then at her. Then back at him. "Actually, can you grab me a knife first?" Tony said.

"And some napkins, please," Kathy added. "Anyway, speaking of work. Are you going back anytime soon, Isaac?"

"Ugh, I keep telling him to give it some more time," Van said. "He wants to go back next week! His head isn't even healed!"

"It'll just be for a few hours a week," he said quietly. "You're the one who says we should try to go back to normal as much as possible."

"But a boxing gym, Isaac? What if someone tries to roughhouse? What if you get hurt even more?"

"I won't."

"How do you know?" Kathy demanded.

He looked at her. "It's a risk I'm willing to take."

She shook her head. "That's ridiculous. Why don't you just let yourself heal?"

"It's probably the only thing he has left that feels even relatively familiar." Maxie said, setting down Kathy's napkins and Tony's knife. "Anyone else need anything?" But no one replied. Their eyes were on her: Tony's amused, Van's annoyed, Kathy's full of suspicion, and his. How did she understand him when no one else could? He wanted so badly to remember her. He couldn't comprehend not knowing someone who knew him so well.

"Yeah," he said. "Exactly."

Waving them off, Van said, "I still think it's too soon. But he'll do what he wants."

"Maxie," he said again. "Food's getting cold. Just sit and eat."

"No one needs anything else?" she asked.

Kathy opened her mouth to say something, but Isaac said firmly, "No. Just sit."

Not raising her eyes to him or anyone else at the table, Maxie nodded and grabbed a plate, only to realize there were no more seats. "Where's the extra chair?" she asked.

"Oh, yeah," Van said. "The leg broke last week. I've been meaning to tell you."

Isaac looked at Van and frowned.

"Well, where am I supposed to sit?" Maxie asked.

Van shrugged. "Sorry, Max. I figured by the time you sat down, someone would already be finished."

"Are you serious?" Isaac said through clenched teeth.

"Well, when does she ever sit down and eat with the rest of us? Everyone's usually done by the time she starts. You're the only one who waits for her."

"You wait for her?" Kathy asked.

"Is she supposed to just stand?" Isaac asked.

"It's fine, I'll just take my plate in the living room."

Isaac turned to her, appalled by the idea. "Bullshit!" he snapped. "You cooked. You're going to eat at the table with the rest of us."

"Why don't you just sit on the counter?" Kathy suggested.

"Yeah, I'll sit on the counter."

"I'll sit on the counter," he said, rising to his feet. He took his full plate, which he hadn't even touched, and switched it with her empty one. "To be honest, I'm not even hungry anymore."

"Isaac," Van moaned. "This dinner is for you."

"You've done enough for me."

"I'm just going to go in the living room," Maxie said.

Kathy rolled her eyes. "Don't start being antisocial, Max."

Isaac looked at Kathy, bewildered. "Are you joking?" He looked at Maxie again, who stared at Kathy in a way that made his heart ache. Then an image of her appeared in his thoughts.

She's standing somewhere dark, outside maybe? Her hair is long again, pulled back in a ponytail and hanging down her back. She's crying. Her face is red, her moist lips are trembling, she's shaking her head as a tear drops down her cheek and wets her white shirt.

She hates me, she sobs. She'll never forgive me. She hates me.

And then he blinks and the image is gone. But Maxie, Maxie now, is still standing there, the same pain in her eyes. And then she turns and goes to the living room. He knows he shouldn't look at her, he knows Kathy is watching him like a hawk, but he can't help it.

 

After dinner, the family sat in the living room, Maxie included. Peering around the apartment, Kathy said, "I see you girls finally got rid of that hideous wallpaper. It's about time."

Not looking up from her knee where she doodled with a permanent marker, Maxie replied, "Well, we couldn't get all of the dead man's blood off of it, so..." She let her voice trail off and the room grew silent.

Finally, Kathy turned to her daughter. "And how's your modeling going?" she asked. "When will I see you in a magazine?"

"I am in a magazine."

"Not your hands, Savannah. You. Your face. Who the hell is going to recognize you by your hands?"

"Please, Mom, I don't see your anything in any magazines."

"I suppose you're right about that. I'm just sick of waiting for these blind idiots to realize what they're missing by passing up on you." She looked at Maxie, who sat at the corner of the couch, her feet drawn up, sketching on the knees of her jeans with a sharpie. "I bet Maxie could have modeled," she said, "had she not ruined her body with all of those tattoos."

"I don't want to model."

"Well, you couldn't, even if you did want to."

"It's why I haven't gotten any tattoos, you know," Van said. "My career."

"Which makes sense. I'd love to see you one more time with your skin bare, Max. And with your long hair. Are you ever going to grow it back out? You know I've always loved your long hair."

Maxie shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe I'll grow it out one day."

"I like it short," Isaac piped up.

"Of course you do," Tony replied.

"What does that mean?" Van demanded.

"No, no, he's right," Kathy said, raising her hands. "She looks beautiful either way. I just prefer her with longer hair... and no tattoos." Maxie said nothing, but Kathy wasn't finished yet. "Max, where's Alex tonight? Are you two still together?"

"No," said Maxie.

"Why not? Did he break up with you?"

"I broke up with him."

"Why? He was such a good catch."

Van scoffed.

Kathy glanced at Van. "Wasn't he?"

"It just wasn't working out."

"How did he feel about your tattoos?"

Maxie sighed and rolled her eyes. "He didn't care about them, Kathy. As a matter of fact, no one cares about them but you."

Unfazed by Maxie's shrinking patience, Kathy asked, "What about your hair? Did he like it long or short?"

"Who the hell even cares what Alex thinks?" said Van. "He's old news, Mom. Now would you please just stop nagging? Spare us for five minutes."

Us? Isaac wanted to cry. Us nothing. Just Maxie. He didn't know how she was sitting there, taking it. And then he considered that she was just used to it, and he felt for her even more.

"Fine," Kathy said. "Fine, I'll shut up."

Letting out a small sigh of relief, Maxie stood, knocking her purse off the arm of the couch. The contents of it spilled out onto the floor. "Maxie!" Kathy shrieked. "Are you smoking again, too?"

And that was it. Isaac couldn't take it anymore, not another second. He needed to get away, or he was going to tell Kathy a few things about herself that she wouldn't like too much. "It was nice spending this evening with you guys," he said. "I think I'm going to head out."

Van frowned. "You're leaving?" Yes! he wanted to scream. Yes! Yes, God, yes! But instead, he simply nodded. He gathered his belongings and said goodbye to everyone before turning to Maxie.

"Thank you for dinner," he said.

"You didn't even eat," she replied.

"No. But still..."

"You're welcome."

He kept his eyes on her for a moment longer than he needed to. I like your hair, he wanted to tell her. And you wear your tattoos well. And your cookbook will be amazing. Your restaurant, too, when you get to it. And if this were the family I were given, I would smoke, too. But instead he nodded at her and excused himself from the apartment. As soon as he was out, he exhaled heavily. It felt as if it were the first breath he'd taken all night.

Poor Maxie.

 

Maxie heard her bedroom door open. A moment later, Van was at the window, climbing out to join her on the fire escape. Kathy and Tony were long gone. Despite many pleas from Van, Isaac didn't return. All Maxie wanted was the sweet release of thick smoke filling her lungs, seeping in and out of the crevices of her brain, picking her up and taking her higher and higher.

Van sat beside her, not saying a word as she blew thick smoke out into the night air. "She's gone, you know," she finally said, gently pressing against her. "You can relax now."

Maxie raised her joint to Van. "I am relaxing." She wondered how Isaac, the old Isaac, her Isaac, would feel about how often she was smoking now. He wouldn't like it, she knew. But that Isaac was gone, replaced by the man who didn't remember her. Hours earlier he had left. He had gotten up and left, leaving her there to bear it all on her own. Why did she feel so betrayed? What did she expect?

She took another long drag of the joint, closed her eyes as she let the smoke play in her lungs, and then exhaled.

"Do you think about that night often, Max? The night Isaac got shot?"

"Every day," she admitted, not opening her eyes.

"Is that why you've been smoking so much?"

"Among other reasons."

"What other reasons?"

Finally opening her eyes to look at her friend, Maxie replied, "I'd smoke a lot less if you wouldn't come out here and blow my high."

Van frowned and lowered her eyes, nodding. Harsh, Maxie thought, then sighed and took another drag.

"Alright, then," Van said, standing.

"I think about it every day," Maxie said to her, as she climbed back through the window. "And I think of the things... the people, I've lost. My mom, my dad..." Isaac.

Van nodded. "I think about my dad, too. On nights like these, when he definitely would have been here if..." Her voice trailed off a moment.

Maxie took another long, deep drag.

"You should think about what you have, instead," Van suggested. "That's what I do. I just try to remember that I still have my mom and Tony. And you, and even Isaac. And you have me. You'll always have me, Max. No matter what."

Without replying, Maxie exhaled a current of grey smoke and shut her eyes.

Noelle steps in Maxie's room and shuts the door behind her. 'How are you feeling?' she asks her daughter, who has spent the evening crying over a boy from school. Maxie doesn't need to reply. Her misery is written all over her face.

Climbing into bed with her, Noelle gathers Maxie in her arms and strokes her hair as she sobs. 'I know it hurts, baby,' she says, 'but just remember that even though your heart is broken, you're still whole.'

Maxie looks up at her mother and wipes her wet cheek with the back of her hand. 'I just like him so much, Mommy,' she says. Her twelve-year-old emotions are still too fragile for such feelings.

Noelle nods. 'I know. Whoever said it's better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all is an asshole, baby. Go ahead. Cry.'

She cried. She cried endlessly.

 

As Maxie lay in bed, still thinking of her mother, she wondered what Noelle would say now, what advice she would offer. All she had ever wanted for Maxie was happiness, and yet, no matter where Maxie turned, she couldn't seem to find it.

She thought back to middle school, when her science class had studied electricity. Her teacher had brought in Christmas lights to experiment with. He plugged the long strand into the wall, and the class watched all the tiny bulbs illuminate. Then he unscrewed one, and they all went out.

How had Isaac become that bulb? He was gone—not physically, but gone nonetheless—unscrewed from the strand of light that was her life, leaving her in pitch black. Once upon a time, Van had been enough to fill the void. Van numbed the sting of loneliness. Once upon a time, Maxie needed Van and no one else.

They're sitting in the cafeteria, Van across from Maxie at the lunch table, eating the leftovers from dinner the night before that Maxie had packed them. 'Where's Lauren today?' Van asks.

Maxie had met Lauren Dudley in gym class just a month before. She'd introduced her to Van, invited her to eat lunch with them every day, ignored the fact that Van wasn't particularly fond of her. She'd ignored the fact that Van wasn't particularly fond of anyone Maxie ever got even close to. Anyone besides the people she was close to, at least.

'I don't know,' Maxie says, wondering the same thing.

She likes eating lunch with Lauren. Unlike Van's friends, Lauren is quiet, fairly laid-back, she keeps to herself She didn't gossip. She didn't complain. She has no boyfriend issues, no girlfriend issues, no trivial, insignificant high school drama at all. When Lauren joins them at the table, Maxie forgets about the other five girls around her, prattling on about who-knows-what. Instead, she submerges herself in her conversation with her new friend, who, like herself, is more interested in discussing school work, the latest books they read, the colleges they want to attend, the places they want to travel.

'She didn't eat with us yesterday, either,' Van points out. 'Or the day before that.'

Maxie shrugs.

'Maybe she doesn't like us,' Van says.

Maybe she doesn't like you, Maxie thinks.

They finish their food, and as Maxie gets up to throw away their trash, she spots Lauren at a nearby table, submerged in conversation with three other girls. Maxie can't help but wonder what they're talking about, all leaning in toward each other, calm but interested in whatever is being said. Turning away, she makes her way back over to her own table where Van and her friends are laughing loudly and animatedly.

'I found Lauren,' Maxie tells Van. 'She's eating over there today.'

Van peers around the cafeteria and when she spots Lauren, she shrugs. 'Maybe she eats with them now.'

'You don't think she'll come back?'

Van shrugs again. 'Who cares? She's boring, anyway.'

Van's friends agree, but Maxie says, 'I like her.'

Draping her arm around Maxie's shoulder, Van says, 'Well, I'm still here at the lunch table. Alright?'

Maxie nods. Lauren never eats with them again.