Chapter 20

Muller’s in bed with an ear infection. Judy brings him warm tea while Mary watches me over the newspaper. She’s been eyeing me all morning. There’s sand in the carpet and a few spots on the kitchen floor where we dribbled water last night. I told her we went out on some rocks and Muller slipped. I went after him. It sounded believable, but you never know with Mary. She likes to ruminate. It’s the ruminating that kills you in the end. “Sam,” Mary says.

The phone rings. “Hold that thought,” I say. I grab the receiver. It’s Margot.

“Sam?” she says.

“Hey, Margot. How’re you liking your bird?”

“Over the moon, Sam. Over the moon. Bisquick’s a natural performer. I bought a video camera. He’s up on YouTube right now. I’ve got eight hundred views already. Check him out. He’s adorable. Smart as a whip, too.”

The doorbell rings. I hand Mary the phone and answer the door. There’s Max standing on the porch, looking at the boxes.

“Hey, Sam,” he says. “Just thought I’d drop by, see how you’re doing.” He looks past me. “Muller here?” He keeps making facial gestures. Mary looks around the corner. “Hi, Mrs. Bennett,” he says. “Hope I’m not disturbing you.”

“For heaven’s sake, Sam,” Mary says. “Don’t leave him standing there. Come in, Max. We’re watching Bisquick on YouTube.”

Mary and Judy are at the computer. He’s sitting on Margot’s shoulder, talking away. I’m more impressed with Margot figuring out how to operate a video camera.

“Is she a ventriloquist?” Max says.

“It’s a Mynah,” I say. “I gave it to her last week.”

“How does she get him to swear like that?”

“That’s what Mynahs do, apparently.”

“Tell the folks what you’ve been doing today, Bisquick,” Margot’s saying and Bisquick bobs up and down. “Did you take a sauna?”

“Sauna,” he squawks.

“Bless your little heart.”

“Gimme some tit action.”

“Bisquick.”

Christ, she’s teaching him Joey’s eulogy.

“That’s pretty cool,” Max says. “Otis has to see this.” He calls the house. Ruby must have picked up the phone. “Hey, Ruby,” Max says. “Tell Otis to get on YouTube. There’s this bird I want him to see. Go to Bisquick, The Talking Myna. I’ll hold.”

Muller comes in the kitchen with a piece of cotton baton in one ear. Max switches from YouTube to The Rec Room of Sound. Otis is checking the video out on his other computer. He still hasn’t shaved. The phone is tucked between his shoulder and his ear. “Excuse me, folks,” Otis is saying. “Max wants me to look at this video on YouTube. Got a talking birdie or something here.” Ruby’s looking over his shoulder. “Is that old girl a ventriloquist?” he says to Max on the phone.

“No, it’s the bird, Otis,” Max says. “Mynah’s can talk.”

“If you call that talking. Foul-mouthed little bugger, isn’t he?”

“Listen, Otis. Sam knows the woman. He gave her the bird. What do you think about interviewing Bisquick on your show?”

“You want me to interview a bird?”

“Why not? Bisquick’s a natural.”

“I think he’s adorable,” Ruby says.

“See?” Max says. “Ruby thinks it’s a good idea. What have you got to lose? All you do is sit there tapping pencils.”

“Okay, Max,” Otis says. “Hear that, folks? I’m gonna interview a talking birdie. Set it up, Max. Until then, let’s hear the Box Tops’ singing ‘The Letter.’ Coming at you from The Rec Room of Sound.”

We call Margot and she’s over the moon. “Any wardrobe requirements?” she says, and I tell her The Rec Room of Sound is pretty casual. “When are we doing this? Bisquick’s ready to go.”

“When do you want her to do the show, Max?”

“Why not now?”

“We’ll pick you up in about fifteen minutes, Margot,” I say.

“Fine with me. Just let me clean Bisquick’s cage.”

“Isn’t this great?” Judy says. “Margot’s going to be on TV.”

“It’s a web show, sweetie. Don’t get your hopes up too high.”

“Why are you being so skeptical?” Mary says.

“Otis has the attention span of a fruit bat, for one thing.”

“C’mon, Sam,” Max says. “It’ll be fine.”

“Let’s go get Margot then.”

“Take, Muller, Daddy,” Judy says. “We’ll watch from here.”

“If you’re sure you don’t mind, Jude,” Muller says.

“Of course I don’t mind. You and Daddy go bond.”

“Just stay out of the lake, Sam,” Mary says.

Out by the car, Max starts in again about the brownies, telling Muller he might as well bake a batch while he’s over there.

“Maybe we should lay off the brownies for a while,” I say.

“What for?”

“Otis can’t keep his mouth shut, for one thing. Seriously, Max. Mary and Judy watch his show. They’re watching it right now.”

“We already talked to him. He won’t do that again.”

“He’s a nutcase, Max.”

“Ruby says he won’t get any sex if he opens his mouth.”

“He’ll just go find a mail carrier or a meter maid.”

“I promise, Sam. Not a word out of Otis.”

“I could make a small tray,” Muller mumbles.

“Fine,” I say. “One small tray, and that’s it.”