Chapter 30

“What’s wrong with Muller?” Ruby asks. “He barely said a word when I zinced his nose. Is he okay?” I tell her he was like that when he woke up.

He’s been up on the ladder all morning, doing the soffits. His fear of heights doesn’t seem to be bothering him today. He looks like a primate, toes hanging out over his sandals. It reminds me of the joke where a man finds a gorilla on the roof of his house. He calls the zoo and tells them to send somebody over. Two men arrive, one carrying a net, the other a shotgun and a bulldog on a leash. “Here’s how it works,” the one guy tells the homeowner. “I go on the roof, push the gorilla off, and my assistant releases the bulldog. It goes straight for the gorilla’s nuts. The gorilla’s distracted, my assistant nets the bastard, and we’re out of here.” He then hands the homeowner his shot gun. “What’s this for?” the homeowner says. The zoo man replies, “If I get pushed off, shoot the bulldog.”

As I’m thinking about that, Muller’s shadow passes overhead. He hits the ground with a dull thud. Max and Ruby come running outside all in a panic. Ruby kneels beside Muller, listening to his heart. Max calls an ambulance on his cell. We end up racing to the hospital behind the ambulance, following a gurney down the hall. Muller opens his eyes and takes Ruby’s hand. “Ruby, I—I—” Two orderlies wheel him into an examining area. “The poor man,” Ruby says. “I thought he looked kind of tipsy this morning. We shouldn’t have put him up on the ladder if he’s got sunstroke.”

I get Judy and Mary on the phone. They rush right over. Then Margot shows up, taking me aside. “The man’s a liability, Sam,” and I tell her he probably did it on purpose. “Why, for God’s sake?” she says. Then I tell her about Muller’s crush on Ruby.

“Ruby?” she laughs, looking around for a coffee machine. “Let’s go down to the cafeteria.” We take the stairs and Margot decides she needs something to eat. She orders a full breakfast, putting on her bifocals to look at the menu overhead. “Is that the biggest breakfast you got?” she asks the girl at the cash. The girl tells her it’s the only breakfast they have. “Gimme an extra order of toast then,” Margot says. “You want anything besides coffee, Sam?”

“No, I’m fine.”

The food comes and Margot takes her tray over to the far corner. She starts slathering her toast with jam. “So Muller’s got the hots for Ruby, huh? Has he made any advances yet?”

“Thankfully, no.”

“Ruby’s not bad looking for her age,” she says with her mouth full. She takes a gulp of coffee, washes it down, and then gets a sausage on her fork like a mallet. “It’s probably just a passing fancy. Judy know anything?”

“No, and she’s not going to know anything,” I say. “I told Muller I’d throw him in Lake Michigan before I let him hurt her.”

“Spoken like a true father, Sam,” she says. “Maybe you should talk to Ruby. Tell her the big guy’s got a bad case of puppy love.” She takes another gulp of coffee. “At least get it out in the open. Saves having him jumping off roofs.” I tell her that’s not a bad idea. “Glad I could help,” Margot smiles. “Strictly speaking, my real concern is the liability issue. Muller’s a sweet guy, but we ain’t got the money for his high jinks. Sure you don’t want anything to eat? Have some toast. My eyes are always bigger than my stomach.”

I take a piece of toast and watch Margot shoveling the rest of the eggs away. She probably doesn’t weigh more than a hundred and five pounds, but she’s got the appetite of an entire fire hall. “Ruby,” she laughs, shaking her head. “That’s a hoot.”

“Why’s that a hoot?”

“I got a better ass than she does. I do butt squeezes at my desk. Two hundred a day. They really work, Sam,” she says and gets up. “Feel my ass. Go on, grab a handful.”

Not even if you did three hundred butt squeezes a day, Margot.