Chapter 77

Grammarians are all up in arms over the stupid book. They’re such tight-assed little twerps. One of them claims I mixed past and present tenses. Another takes issue with my comments about adjectives. “They are not something we can do without!” he writes. Still another contends that not all proper names are special. “Would you call the Klu Klux Klan special?” he says. “Or the Kuomintang?!!”

Frank hates academics. His own education ended in the eighth grade when he was caught pissing in the sacristy. He’s never walked past a Catholic priest since without giving him the finger. “Don’t worry about it, Sam,” Frank says. “Let the fuckers bitch. They aren’t our audience, anyway.” Last week, Frank did a talk show, telling the interviewer our character is called Mr. Quiggles. A reviewer called it the stupidest name in children’s literature. Frank told him to go fuck himself. “At least Frank O’Conner starts with an active verb,” the reviewer said.

The house over on Cedar looks brand spanking new, smelling fresh from Max’s room deodorizers and scented candles. The owners stand in amazement. Around back, Zack’s taken over gardening duties since his seafood business was a flop. Now he mows the grass and trims the hedges, still wearing his security guard boots. We celebrate later with a new batch of brownies and milk. Muller sent them over with a note congratulating Ruby. Judy did up a little floral arrangement to go with it. Otis gets sentimental on the third brownie, telling Ruby she’s his one and only. “Dry up,” Margot says. “How about a toast to our author here.” I get up and take a bow. Bisquick squawks out, “Tit action!” The bird’s nothing but attitude these days. Margot has to get back on the air. “I’ve got some flagellating youngsters who need sorting out.”

Otis and Max pass out on the rug. Zack’s head hits the table. Ruby walks me to the door. “We’re starting the house out on Madison tomorrow.”

“Sounds good.”

“You won’t be tied up with Mr. Quiggles?”

“I’d rather not think about Mr. Quiggles.” Mr. Quiggles can go schtup a T.