Chapter 83

Money keeps rolling in from the grammar books. Frank’s no fool when it comes to percentages. Even after distribution and taxes, he’s about to make a good profit. It’s got all the trades and tabloids talking. They say Frank’s on a new kick, lambasting kids over their texts and blogging. One reporter wrote: “It’s about time someone nipped this texting thing in the bud.”

Frank’s still wants to take the books on the road. God help us if anybody asks Frank a grammar question. The man couldn’t tell a split infinitive from a split pea. They’re already asking about his next project, which he says is a book about social conduct, served up by a woman who doesn’t stand on ceremony. “She has her own online show,” he says. “Her name’s Margot Simmons and she doesn’t take guff from anybody. You got a problem with your kid, talk to Margot. She’ll straighten the little bugger out. I have her on exclusive contract.”

Margot hasn’t signed the contract yet. Knowing Margot, she plans to fleece Frank but good. “The woman’s a fucking menace,” Frank said after their last meeting. “She’s taking me to the cleaners.” Margot thinks it’s funny as hell. She doesn’t need his money. She’s got a new account called Bendex condoms. They’re multicolored and look like old barbershop signs. Affiliated marketing is definitely working for her. She gets five cents for every hit. The money’s rolling in and, with her new publishing contract, she could rake in plenty.

Otis has something going, too. A pharmaceutical company figured Otis Cries for You must attract a lot of depressed people. They want him to help advertise a new happy pill. Knowing Otis, he’ll probably take more than he sells.

Muller and Judy have catering parties booked right through the winter. They sold their house in Seattle put the money towards an industrial kitchen and they should be up and running soon. As far as living arrangements go, they’re happy staying here. Judy found out she’s pregnant. She’s expecting next June. Mary’s turning the den into a nursery.

Max enrolled in night school last month. He’s taking a marketing course for young entrepreneurs. Now he plans to expand, putting Zack in charge of the gardening. He calls it the Total House Manicure and plugs it on both Otis’s and Margot’s shows. Margot’s handling the business side. She’s incorporated everybody under the same umbrella, calling it Margomax. We’re all listed as officers—even Otis, who got his nuts in the wringer for not paying royalties on his songs. Margot’s taken care of that, everyone’s paid off, or they think they are, anyway. Margot’s as sneaky as Frank, which is pretty sneaky.

Ruby and I are finishing the house with those crazy dogs. The outside is done, just a door or two left to paint. The dogs wait for us to arrive, looking like junkies. Max is cutting back on the brownies, but those dogs are demanding brutes. Around three o’clock, they snap their heads up, get the munchies, and then it’s bedlam. “They never used to be like this,” the woman keeps saying. She sits on the grass, patting their tummies with Gilbert getting an erection the size of a paint roller. “Give mommy a big kiss,” she says.

You’ll get more than that in a second.