CHAPTER 11
‘Open up!’ yells Captain Woodenhead, pounding on the door.
‘Sorry,’ I say. ‘Members only!’
‘Now, come on, Andy,’ says Captain Woodenhead. ‘Let me and my crew in. I promise nothing bad will happen. Forgive and forget, that’s my motto.’
‘But what about that stuff you said on the beach about “making us pay” and how you were going to claim our treehouse for yourself?’
Captain Woodenhead roars with laughter. ‘Oh, don’t take any notice of that!’ he says. ‘That was just silly pirate talk! All we want is to come in, take off our boots, rest our weary, waterlogged bones for a couple of days and then we’ll be on our way.’
‘Sorry,’ I say, ‘but I’m afraid the answer is still no.’
‘All right, then you leave me no option—we’re going to blast our way in!’ says Captain Woodenhead, suddenly turning nasty again. ‘Men, prepare the cannon!’
‘Oh no!’ says Terry. ‘What are we going to do?’
‘Let them in,’ I say.
‘Are you crazy?’ says Jill. ‘You’re just going to let them in?’
‘Yes,’ I say. ‘I know it sounds crazy, but I just had an idea. Do you remember that nursery rhyme where all the pirates get killed one at a time?’
‘Of course!’ says Jill. ‘Ten Unlucky Pirates is one of my favourites. But how is a nursery rhyme going to help us now, even if it does have ten pirates in it?’
‘Well,’ I say, ‘even the craziest nursery rhymes have a grain of truth in them. Take Hey Diddle Diddle for instance. Everybody thinks it’s just a made-up story about a cow jumping over the moon, but in 1864 in Dorset, England, a cow really did jump over the moon.’
‘Really?’ says Terry.
‘Yes!’ I say. ‘And in Rock-a-bye Baby there is a baby in a cradle in the treetops and when the wind blows the cradle falls down. Well, scientific studies show that if you put a baby in a cradle in the treetops and the wind blows, the cradle—and baby—really will fall down.’
‘That’s incredible!’ says Terry. ‘Who would ever have thought that?’
‘And, of course, you know Little Miss Muffet—’
‘That actually happened to me!’ says Jill. ‘I was sitting there on my tuffet eating my breakfast when along came a spider that sat down beside me and frightened me away!’
‘But I thought you loved all animals,’ says Terry.
‘Not spiders,’ says Jill. ‘Nobody likes spiders. Not even spiders like spiders.’
‘Well, anyway,’ I say, ‘the point is, if I’m right then Ten Unlucky Pirates suggests that ten pirates and our treehouse are going to be a bad combination.’
‘I hope you know what you’re doing, Andy,’ says Terry.
‘Me too,’ I say.
‘I’ll give you one last chance to surrender peacefully,’ bellows Captain Woodenhead. ‘Otherwise I’ll blast you and your treehouse to pieces in a very non-peaceful way!’
‘That won’t be necessary,’ I say. ‘We’ve had a quick meeting and decided to allow you and your crew free membership with access to all treehouse facilities, including unlimited use of the marshmallow machine, the lemonade fountain and the ice-cream parlour.’
‘Well, that’s more like it!’ says the captain amid rousing cheers from his crew.
I climb down, open the door and the pirates barge in excitedly. Within moments they’ve climbed the ladder and made it up to the main level.
‘Well, I must say,’ says Captain Woodenhead, looking around the treehouse, ‘you’ve made yourselves quite a palace out of the pieces of my boat. I think my crew and I are going to be very happy here. Very happy indeed. Especially with you three as our slaves!’
‘Slaves?’ says Terry. ‘But I thought you said if we let you in nothing bad would happen to us.’
‘There are plenty of things worse than being a pirate slave, my lad,’ says Captain Woodenhead. ‘There’s having your head bitten off by a huge fish that stinks like mouldy old cheese—that’s pretty bad. And then there’s being swallowed by a huge fish that stinks like mouldy old cheese—that’s not particularly pleasant either. Also, having your ship wrecked in a storm and the pieces stolen by thieves isn’t much fun either, in case you were wondering …’
‘Hey, Captain!’ yells one of the pirates. ‘Look at this vine! Come and have a swing with us!’
Captain Woodenhead’s crew are standing at the edge of the deck, clinging to a vine.
‘I swear by my ex-wooden head, that is a mighty fine vine!’ says the captain. Then he turns back to us. ‘You three stay here. I’m just going to have a quick swing and then I’ll be back to tell you how things are going to be around here from now on.’
The captain runs across and, with a mighty leap, joins his crew on the vine. They push off and go swinging out wide from the treehouse.
‘Well, so far so good,’ I say.
‘What are you talking about?’ says Terry. ‘The pirates have taken over the treehouse and we’re back to being pirate slaves again!’
‘Yes, but not for long,’ I say. ‘The first verse of Ten Unlucky Pirates is:
Ten unlucky pirates
swinging on a vine …
One fell off
and then there were nine.
And look what’s happening: ten pirates swinging on a vine! See what I mean about nursery rhymes containing the truth? All we have to do is wait.’
‘I have to admit, it does look pretty dangerous,’ says Terry. ‘There are ten pirates on what is clearly only a nine-pirate vine.’
‘Well, it can’t be that dangerous,’ says Jill, as we watch them swing up towards the ice-skating rink. ‘Nobody’s fallen off yet.’
‘No, not yet,’ I say, crossing the fingers on both of my hands, ‘but any moment now …’
There’s a bloodcurdling scream as one of the pirates loses his grip and goes plummeting downwards.
We peer over the edge at the pirate-shaped hole in the ground below.
‘You were right!’ says Terry. ‘But what about the others?’
‘Well, they’re at the ice-skating rink,’ I say, ‘which is exactly where the rhyme predicts they would be.’
Nine unlucky pirates
learning how to skate …
‘If my calculations are correct, any moment now we should be hearing a loud crack …’
‘Like that?’ says Terry.
‘Exactly like that,’ I say. ‘I think we can safely let the rhyme take it from here.’
Nine unlucky pirates
learning how to skate …
One cracked through the ice
and then there were eight.
Eight unlucky pirates
riding the mechanical bull Kevin …
One got bucked off
and then there were seven.
Seven unlucky pirates
making a rockin’ pirate mix …
One got electrocuted
and then there were six.
Six unlucky pirates
doing a synchronised dive …
One missed the swimming pool
and then there were five.
Five unlucky pirates
eating ice-cream galore …
One got brain-freeze
and then there were four.
Four unlucky pirates
playing in a tree …
One sat in the catapult
and then there were three.
Three unlucky pirates
each getting a tattoo …
The ATM* malfunctioned
and then there were two.
Two unlucky pirates
mud-fighting in the sun …
One got baked hard
and then there was one.
‘That’s amazing, Andy!’ says Terry. ‘Everything happened just like it does in the rhyme—there’s only one pirate left!’
‘Yes,’ says Jill, ‘but unfortunately it’s the worst one—Captain Woodenhead! And here he comes!’
‘Don’t panic,’ I say, ‘there’s still one more verse.’
One unlucky pirate
with a cutlass and a gun.
He got lost in the Maze of Doom
and then there were none.
‘Well, it’s kind of right,’ says Terry. ‘He’s got a cutlass and a gun, but he’s not lost in the Maze of Doom. He’s not even in the Maze of Doom!’
‘No, not yet,’ I say, ‘but he soon will be. Let’s go!’
‘Where?’ says Terry.
‘Into the Maze of Doom!’
‘But it’s dangerous,’ says Terry. ‘Look at the signs.’
‘I know what the signs say, but Captain Woodenhead is even more dangerous! He’s got a cutlass and a gun, remember?’
‘Oh yeah, good point,’ says Terry. ‘Let’s go!’
* That’s an Automatic Tattoo Machine, in case you’ve forgotten.