NET NEWS DIGEST

Gallup’s ongoing “Religion in America” survey showed church attendance this week was up 13.75% over the same week last year.

Christiaan Barnard Hospital in Mandelaville, Azania, announced today that it had formally adopted the departure of the soulwave from the body as the determining moment of death.

Schlockmeister Jon Tchobanian has begun production on his latest computer-generated flick, Soul Catcher. This one’s about a mad hospital worker who imprisons people’s souls in magnetic bottles and holds them for ransom. “Appropriately for a film about life after death,” says Tchobanian, “I’m casting the movie entirely with computer reconstructions of dead actors.” Boris Karloff and Peter Lorre will star.

Life Unlimited of San Rafael, California, reported today its best-ever month of sales for its patented nanotechnology immortality process. Analyst Gudrun Mungay of Merrill Lynch suggested that the record sales were a direct response to the discovery of the soul-wave. “Some people,” she said, “definitely do not want to meet their maker.”

Trial news: Oshkosh, Wisconsin. Accused serial rapist Gordon Spitz today entered a plea of not guilty by reason of special insanity. Spitz, who claims to have had out-of-body experiences since the age of twelve, contends that his soul was absent from his body on each occasion that he committed rape, and therefore he is not responsible for the crimes.