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YOU CAN’T BECOME LIKE JESUS ALONE: AUTHENTIC RELATIONSHIPS IN DISCIPLESHIP
I’M NOT A VERY RELATIONAL PERSON. You might not believe this if you met me. I can turn on the friendliness when I need to, and I know how to ask questions and get to know people. In other words, I can fake it pretty well. But I actually like to be alone. Maybe love would be a better term —I love to be alone. I could be alone all week. Even two weeks straight, and it wouldn’t bother me one bit. As long as I have a good book to read, a project to work on, good movies to watch, and a refrigerator packed full of meat, I’ll be just fine.
That is why this chapter is tough to write, because I’m part of the problem. I’m the one that needs this chapter the most. You might need it too, but I know I need it. Because here’s the thing: discipleship can’t happen without relationships. Deep relationships. Authentic relationships. Relationships where people can share their intimate struggles, confess their socially unacceptable sins, and rely on others for spiritual strength.
But these types of relationships are fairly rare among Christians. Many Christians I talk to say they feel alone, unconnected, or isolated at church. They have some superficial friends, maybe one or two close friends if they’re lucky. But on the whole, most Christians never get below the surface with their church communities.
Until we figure out how to cultivate deep relationships among Christians, our discipleship will continue to suffer.
One reason discipleship has suffered is that we have focused too heavily on discipleship programs rather than investing in authentic relationships. David Kinnaman sums up the problem:
We are at a critical point in the life of the North American church; the Christian community must rethink our efforts to make disciples. Many of the assumptions on which we have built our work with young people are rooted in modern, mechanistic, and mass production paradigms. Some (though not all) ministries have taken cues from the assembly line, doing everything possible to streamline the manufacture of shiny new Jesus-followers, fresh from the factory floor. But disciples cannot be mass-produced. Disciples are handmade, one relationship at a time.[40]
Both The State of Discipleship and prominent discipleship leaders echo Kinnaman’s plea.[41] If we are going to do a better job at discipleship, we can’t rely on programs alone. We must foster authentic relationships as the means of transforming people into Christlikeness.
Discipleship should be a way of life, a holistic integration of the gospel into every fiber of our week. The State of Discipleship shows that this is especially true of Millennials who crave intimate relationships. Millennials value intimate relationships far more than Gen-Xers (my generation) and Boomers.
While this includes peer relationships, many Millennials desire intergenerational relationships from older believers as well.[42] The State of Discipleship shows that 59 percent of Millennials who remain active in their faith had a close relationship with an adult believer in their church (apart from their parents or pastor). Twenty-eight percent say that they were mentored by an older believer in church, while only 11 percent of those who dropped out of church said the same.[43] This shows that Millennials are much more likely to stay engaged in the faith if they are connected with older believers.
And it’s not just Millennials. All Christians need to be in relationship with other believers if they desire to become more like Christ. Every single discipleship leader I’ve talked to (or whose books I’ve read) says the same thing: Discipleship cannot happen apart from relationships. You can have all kinds of killer programs, but if these programs don’t also foster relationships, then growth toward Christlikeness will be minimal.
Iron Sharpening Iron
Rich relationships are also one of the main reasons why people stay connected to church and to Jesus.[44] Leaving a church is easy when you’re not connected with other people. It’s hard to leave if you are connected. Many Christians stay at a church because they are relationally connected, even if they don’t love the teaching or worship or color of the carpets. Relationships —the deep ones, not the exhausting superficial ones —are often the glue that keeps us connected to our church communities.
A friend of mine recently left his church in search of another church that had better teaching and a more missional mind-set. He spent a few months at a church known for having some of the best teaching in town. But three months later, he returned to his old church. I asked him why, and he said, “I just had too many deep relationships with people at my home church. I couldn’t stay away.”
We shouldn’t foster rich relationships, however, just to keep people in church. Otherwise, we become nothing more than an intimate country club. We should pursue relationships because it’s part of what it means to become more like Jesus, and we can’t pursue this impossible journey without a deep connection to others on the same journey.
A God So Near
In spite of the benefits of programs and large gatherings, discipleship at its core is relational. We see this throughout the Bible, beginning in the Garden of Eden, where God recognized that “it is not good for the man to be alone.” Adam got pretty stoked when he saw Eve. So the two became one flesh and “knew” each other (Genesis 2:18-25). Adam’s new companion became his wife, of course, but she also became a necessary figure to form a human community. Even if Adam and Eve never hooked up and got married, Adam’s loneliness would have been solved, since he now had a fellow human to relate to.
God didn’t just create Eve to be a wife; he created her because he knew that Adam couldn’t live out his humanity in isolation.
You might find this shocking, but God didn’t create marriage to solve our loneliness.[45] God created other humans to fill the void. Whenever marriage is described in Scripture, it’s never viewed as a solution to loneliness.[46] In fact, when people find rich, satisfying relationships, it’s usually with other believers of the same gender.[47] Singleness doesn’t have to lead to loneliness.
God created us —all of us —to be relational beings because God himself is relational. God doesn’t exist as only one person, but as three persons in one. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit live in eternal relationship with each other. And in order to invite us into that Trinitarian dance, the Father sent the Son to take on human flesh and walk among us. God didn’t just want to relate to us from a distance. He didn’t want to text us from heaven or tweet us once in a while to see how we’re doing. He wanted to know us, relate to us, experience life with us. And this is why Jesus was born in a feeding trough —to show us just how far God was willing to go in order to be near to us.
Our God is a relational God. Since we are created in his image, we are relational people. If I’m truly honest with myself, my desire to be alone is often driven by sin and selfishness. When I’m alone I can do what I want, when I want, and how I want to do it. I don’t think about, let alone worry about, other people around me. I don’t have to talk if I don’t want to talk. I don’t have to ask questions or show interest in someone else’s life. I can just take care of myself.
Sounds pretty selfish. And sinful. In order for us to flourish as humans and become more like Christ, we must engage in intimate, sacrificial, authentic, non-superficial relationships.
Relational Discipleship in the Life of Jesus
When Jesus gathered his disciples, he called them into a relationship: “Come follow me.” Even though he spoke to large crowds on occasion —sometimes it was unavoidable —the primary way in which he “discipled” his followers was through relationships. On the road, over a meal, on a boat under the hot Galilean sun. Discipleship wasn’t something Jesus did in addition to his otherwise busy ministry week. Discipleship was the natural outgrowth of doing life with other people.
Most of the time, we see Jesus interacting with a small group of disciples. Usually it was the twelve apostles, though sometimes he singled out Peter, James, and John. But there were also Mary and Martha (Luke 10:38-42), Nicodemus (John 3:1-15), Zacchaeus (Luke 19:1-10), the unnamed woman at the well (John 4:1-26), Levi and his shady friends (Luke 5:27-32), and many other relational encounters recorded in the Gospels. These were not just random conversations but relational encounters, where Jesus was revealing himself and teaching people about what it means to follow him.
Jesus’s primary mode of discipleship is relational, which is simply a continuation of God’s desire to relate to us through the incarnation of Christ. On a few occasions we see Jesus teaching in larger settings: the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5–7), his speeches in the Temple (Matthew 23:1-36; John 7:28-39), and his parable-laced sermon by the sea (Matthew 13:1-25). Some of these, however, happened spontaneously as Jesus was hanging out and relating with his disciples (see Matthew 4:25–5:1). If we were to stand back and look at the life of Jesus as a whole, the bulk of his time was spent investing deeply in a few rather than addressing large groups of people.[48]
What’s most shocking, though, is not that he engaged in relational discipleship, but whom he engaged with.
Whom Did Jesus Disciple?
I’ll never forget talking to a fellow college professor about investing in the lives of students. I had just been hired at a fairly large Christian university. I didn’t want to just spout off information in a classroom; I wanted to “disciple” my students. My classes had anywhere from forty to 150 students —and I was teaching a lot of classes! “How do you do it?” I asked my friend. “How do you know whom to invest in? Do you just focus on the ones with the most potential?”
I thought I was stating a no-brainer. When I was a baseball player, the coach would always take more time to invest in the most talented players, the ones who had a future. This is just good leadership, right? Wouldn’t it be most efficient for me to single out the students who were the most godly, the most wise, the most hardworking —those who had the greatest potential?
My friend was always good at leading me to the right answer rather than spoon-feeding it to me. He responded, “That may be efficient and effective —but is it the most Christian?” As I mentally scanned the life of Christ, it hit me like a ton of Bibles: Jesus didn’t single out the most promising, the best leaders, the naturally gifted and godly people. He actually singled out the worst.
Peter, as we saw in the last chapter, was a bumbling coward who never seemed to get it. I’m pretty sure Jesus considered him to be high-maintenance. I know I would. The other members of the “inner three,” James and John, were a couple of hotheads whom Jesus should have sent to an anger management seminar rather than into the world to preach the gospel of love (see Luke 9:51-56). These two thugs would have made fine candidates for ISIS or maybe an inner-city gang. But instead, Jesus trained them to love their enemies and turn the other cheek.
Simon the Zealot and Matthew the tax collector were a fascinating pair. I’m not sure what Jesus was thinking when he brought these two together. Simon was probably a member of a feisty group of Jewish militants looking to overthrow the Roman occupation of Israel. Matthew was a Jewish sellout, a traitor who went to work for Rome in taking money from the hands of his hardworking Jewish neighbors. Simon and Matthew: You could not find a more contradictory pair!
Thomas was a cynic (John 11:16). Nathanael was sarcastic (John 1:46). And Judas, of course, would betray Jesus just after Jesus had washed his feet (John 13). If there were any kingdom-of-God-planting manuals in the first century, they surely would have advised Jesus not to select these twelve hoodlums. They’re not going to get along. They’re going to hinder your mission. They’re not worth your investment.
But Jesus came to establish an upside-down kingdom, where enemies are loved and persecutors are prayed for. And he deliberately invested in the “foolish things of the world” to show off the wisdom of God (1 Corinthians 1:26-31, NIV). The Christian way is the countercultural way. And how much more powerful is it to see those whom the world considers unworthy go out and turn the world upside down (Acts 17:6)?
I’ll never forget first meeting my friend Joseph Madison. I was leading a small group, and Joseph was a participant. Joseph was in his midsixties, single (never married), and, well . . . let’s just say he wasn’t the quarterback of the football team. The world would look at Joseph and say, “You have nothing to offer.”
At first, it was tough to lead the group when Joseph was around. He seemed to talk too much and chime in with irrelevant information. He’d get flustered at our conversations or talk loudly over other people. I remember talking to a member of the group who had known Joseph for years. It turned out that Joseph had actually been a catalyst in restoring half a dozen marriages. “You wouldn’t believe it!” my friend told me. “I don’t know how he did it. He just dove into some broken relationships and became an agent of healing. If it wasn’t for Joseph, those couples would have gotten a divorce.”
I grew to love Joseph Madison. It was evident that he had a tender heart toward God and deeply cared for other people. No one would have guessed that Joseph had the potential to become a “marriage counselor.” And here’s the thing: No program-driven church would ever let Joseph near a stage to give a marriage seminar. The stage is for good-looking professionals —not for sixty-year-old single people.
Maybe this is why Jesus didn’t use the stage to turn the world upside down. He used the broken and busted, the marginalized and outcasts. He used and still uses people like Joseph Madison.
Four Ingredients of Relational Discipleship
Whether you’re meeting one on one or in a small group, there are at least four ingredients that go into healthy relationships.
First, as we’ve seen before, relationships must be authentic. Honesty and depth may not happen overnight, but they must happen for discipleship to take place. This requires —demands —authenticity from the leader or the more mature Christians in the group. Gone are the days when Christian leaders can clinically sit back behind a large oak desk and help all the less holy Christians with their problems. Depression, moral failures, pride, and a whole host of others sins are committed (or hidden) by Christian leaders and nonleaders alike. We’re all screwed up and in desperate need of God’s grace. Discipleship groups need to encourage honesty from all participants —especially the leaders.
Second, take it to the streets. True discipleship does not take place in a coffee shop or in the pastor’s office. There’s nothing wrong with dialoguing over a stiff cappuccino, but holistic discipleship must take place in real life. Just look at Jesus: He discipled his followers in the ebb and flow of the real world. He helped people become more like him as he was at their home, on the boat, and in the streets where life naturally happened.
In-depth discipleship can’t be limited to studying the Bible or praying together. These activities are helpful and needed, but they don’t constitute discipleship by themselves. Again, just look at Jesus. How many hours did he spend studying the Bible with his disciples? How often did he pray with them? If you add it all up, it wasn’t much. He certainly prayed with them and taught them the Scriptures, but the bulk of his time was spent relating to them in the normal rhythm of life.
One of the best ways to “take discipleship to the streets” is by engaging in a ministry as part of relational discipleship. A youth pastor friend of mine takes his youth group to an urban laundromat once a month on Sundays. They do laundry for all the homeless people in town. For two hours, while the clothes are being washed and dried, the youth engage in conversations with the homeless, share Jesus with them, relate with them, and pray for anyone who wants prayer. They also share a meal with them —usually hot biscuits and gravy —while the youth pastor gives a short talk about the gospel.
There are so many things I love about this idea. For one, it’s incredibly healthy for teenagers, many of whom have a lot of things handed to them and often feel entitled, to hang out with men with long scruffy beards who reek of urine. It’s just good for the soul, and it’s not a bad way to fight against consumerism and comfort. But more than this, the youth learn what it means to follow Jesus as they watch their youth pastor follow Jesus. They aren’t just hearing about Jesus; they’re seeing Jesus both in their discipler and in the people they are serving (Matthew 25:31-46).
The by-product has been beautiful. The youth have built relationships with the homeless, some of whom have come to Christ. The homeless look forward to seeing the youth again because they’re treated like friends rather than just ministries. And the youth get a chance to take their faith to the streets and see what Christianity looks like outside the church walls. (More on this in chapter 7.)
Third, create constructive dialogue. Relational discipleship must consist of both talking and listening from everyone involved. Healthy relationships always include honest dialogue. People must be free to ask really hard questions and express their deepest doubts and fears.
To be honest, I don’t think Gen-Xers (my generation) or Boomers are very good at this. One of my seminary professors —a Boomer —used to say (no joke) that he hated the word dialogue. Bible-believing Christians should already know the truth, so there’s nothing to “dialogue” about. We should just proclaim the truth and close in prayer. While I appreciate his conviction and courage, it sounds rather arrogant to assume that we have the corner market on “the truth.” Certainly, the Bible is true, but accessing that truth requires the messy and fallible process of interpretation. We should therefore hold onto our convictions with humility, being willing to be corrected when we’ve got it wrong.
Plus, the “I have the truth and I will preach it at you” approach simply doesn’t work with Millennials. It feels prideful and naive. Millennials are much more sensitive to the complexity of difficult questions. We’re much more effective at helping others become more like Christ when we listen to their perspective and pain, when we engage in the give-and-take of dialogue —asking questions, giving answers, asking more questions.
Fourth, don’t be too focused on discipleship. Sounds weird, I know. But let me explain it with a story.
My friend Shawn Gordon is an ex-con turned pastor. His life of violence, his gang activity, and a rather successful drug-dealing career landed him twelve years in the most dangerous prisons in America. That’s where he met Jesus —or rather, where Jesus met him.
After being released, Shawn was on the streets of San Francisco trying to figure out what it meant to be a Christian in the real world. He had no role model, no mentor, no examples to follow. Twenty-eight days after being released, Shawn met a pastor who invited him to live in his own home. “As a Jesus follower, you’re just as close as my own flesh-and-blood family,” the pastor said. “Come live with me, and we will follow Jesus together.” The pastor had a modest-sized house, a wife, and (at the time) six children. Shawn also had a wife and child. The pastor not only took Shawn and his family in but also told them to stay in his master bedroom for as long as they needed. This is some serious discipleship!
Living with a pastor? They must have read the Bible all day long, I thought. I was shocked when Shawn told me, “We didn’t do Bible studies together. We didn’t meet for coffee once a week. We didn’t do anything all that formal or programmatic. We just lived life together. It is here where I saw what it meant to be a Christian in the daily routine of life.”
The pastor happened to be a bestselling author and famous speaker, Francis Chan. He’s a rather busy guy. But instead of using busyness as an excuse not to disciple, Francis invited Shawn into his life as they sought to become more like Christ together. He and his wife, Lisa, just felt that the Spirit of God was telling them to invest in this guy, even though our safety-driven culture was screaming, “Stay as far away as you can!” (I absolutely love the fact that Francis’s fame didn’t prevent him from giving up his bedroom to some ex-con he just met on the streets —fame seekers take note.)
Shawn now heads up Project Bayview, a holistic discipleship ministry in one of the roughest neighborhoods in San Francisco. Not everyone will be able to invite their disciples to live in their home and sleep in their bed (although, maybe more of us should). But we should all seek to engage in discipleship in the context of real life.
Discipleship is best fostered through organic (natural) conversations that love others as whole people in the rhythm of life where we live out our faith. After all, that’s what Jesus did. And when we became Christians, we signed up to become like Jesus, to do the stuff that Jesus did.