“EVERYTHING LOOKS GOOD,” said Willow, flipping Roni’s chart closed. “Your prognosis is looking very strong, despite what the tabloids might say. I’ll come back to start your next round of chemo in a few hours. Until then, keep resting, and let me know if you have any pain.”
Roni scratched her French bulldog behind the ears. “I know the drill. I think Buttons and I will head up to the rooftop patio for some rest and relaxation in a few minutes. Then we’ll take a little pre-chemo nap up there in the sun, so that we’ll be well-rested for our post-chemo siesta this afternoon.”
Willow smiled. “You’ve got the idea. The more you rest, the better your body is able to recover.”
“Sounds logical enough, but I can’t get used to all of this lying around. I need to work. I can’t remember the last time I had so much time off. At least by doing chemo here, I can make it feel like a proper vacation.” She fixed Willow with an eye. “Any chance you can have someone send up a mai tai while I’m on the roof?”
“If you like, but it’ll have to be virgin. You know you shouldn’t drink right now.”
“Honey, I don’t even want the alcohol. I just want to hold one of those big tropical drinks for the effect. I want to lean back on one of those lounge chairs and sip on something delicious, something decorated with tiny umbrellas and twenty different pieces of fruit and a flower or two.”
“I’ll put a note in to the kitchen and ask them to send up something ostentatious.”
“That would be lovely. I want a drink that says, ‘Screw you, cancer, I’m still living my life.’” Her expression grew sober. “That’s the point, you know. Some of my friends thought that I should keep doing my treatment at home. I told them I needed more privacy, but that’s not all it was about. This might sound silly, but I wanted to show cancer it hadn’t beaten me. And I thought that if I could pretend that I was here by choice, as though I were on some sort of vacation, then no matter what happens with my treatment... I still win.”
Willow impulsively reached out for Roni’s hand. “There’s nothing silly about that. Maintaining a positive attitude is crucial for treatment.”
Roni gave Willow’s hand a little squeeze. “I’m glad you understand. It’s not denial. I’m perfectly aware of my situation. It’s just my way of coping, and it helps to be in a setting where everyone’s agreed to play along.” She traced her bulldog’s ears. “Having a little company doesn’t hurt, either. Back home, they wouldn’t let me keep Buttons next to me during treatment.”
“Technically, we don’t allow it, either, so make sure to keep him under that sheet.” According to clinic rules, the dog was supposed to stay in Roni’s suite, but Willow had agreed to overlook his presence. Roni was so attached to the dog, and he clearly helped to lift her spirits.
Willow’s initial reluctance to oversee Roni’s care had quickly melted away as they got to know each other. Willow had been relieved to find that Roni was just as down-to-earth as she came across on television.
In fact, the most complicated part about working with Roni had nothing to do with Roni at all. It was Theo.
Several days had passed since their un-date. And their kiss.
The kiss was a problem, because it had been perfect.
The way his arms had enveloped her, holding her close to him. He was tall enough so that her head fit just under his chin, and when he’d bent his head to hers, she’d felt an excitement she thought she’d forgotten after all those years of having sworn off romance.
She’d felt very safe, very protected, in his arms. But the problem was that it wasn’t safe at all. Kissing Theo, trusting Theo, feeling things for Theo...all of it put her in a very vulnerable position.
She might feel safe with Theo, but she couldn’t trust her feelings. She’d felt safe with Jamie for years. And all that time, he hadn’t really been himself with her. She’d nearly lost her dream of having a child because of his inability to tell her the truth about what he really wanted.
And now there was so much more at stake. Not just her own happiness, but Maisie’s, too. One of the main reasons she’d sworn off relationships, aside from her own heartbreak, was her fear that Maisie could become attached to someone, and could be confused or even hurt if things didn’t work out. But what if things didn’t work out between Willow and a man who happened to be Maisie’s father? She couldn’t put her daughter through that.
She wanted to believe that she could trust Theo to protect her heart as much as she could trust him to protect her child. In the short time she’d known him, she’d noticed that he had a knack for saying just the right thing. But how could she trust that he was sincere? She’d already been with one man who’d said what she wanted to hear, rather than telling her the truth.
And so the kiss was a problem. Because no matter how perfect it had been, it didn’t change the host of other issues she had to worry about. In fact, the more she thought about it, the more she became convinced that the kiss was a problem because it had been so perfect. If it had been a bad kiss, she could have forgotten about it by now and moved on.
Instead, it seemed determined to linger in her memory.
“Hey. Earth to Willow.” Roni’s voice brought Willow back to the present with a start.
“Oh, sorry. I must have spaced out for a minute. Let me just take a quick look at your lab results.” She picked up Roni’s chart.
“You just did that a few minutes ago, remember?”
Willow blushed, flustered. She never got distracted at work like this. “You’re right. I don’t know where my head is today.”
“Maybe you were daydreaming about that hot date you had a few days ago.”
Willow’s eyebrows shot up her forehead. “You know about that?” Her chest began to tighten. Who else knew? Was it all over the clinic? “It wasn’t exactly a date.”
“Of course I know about it. Theo checks in on me every day. No, don’t look like that,” she said, noting Willow’s affronted expression. “He didn’t say a word to me about it. I heard him ask you to dinner the day I got here. I may have been feverish, but the two of you were just outside the door. Come on, dish. What’s he like?”
At least there weren’t rumors flying all over the clinic about the two of them. “It’s...complicated.”
Roni rolled her eyes. “Isn’t it always.”
“No, I mean it’s really complicated. Theo is working here under a rather unusual set of circumstances, and even though I like him–”
Roni’s gaze met hers. “You like him.”
“Well, everyone seems to like him, so far.”
“But not the way you do.”
Willow was beginning to see how Roni had always got the guests on her show to open up so quickly about their most personal issues. The woman was relentless. “Theo and I are in a very unusual situation. Surely you’d rather rest than hear all the details,” she protested weakly.
Roni chuckled. “I’ve got nothing but time to fill, and I need a good distraction. Besides, you can’t leave me in suspense after all this talk about ‘complications’ and ‘unusual situations.’ What’s the story with you and Dr. Moore?”
Willow was about to demur, but Roni’s eyes seemed to plead for excitement. Suddenly, she realized that Roni might be the perfect person to talk to. She couldn’t tell any of her friends from work because they all worked with Theo, too, and revealing her connection with him could create the very kinds of problems she wanted to avoid. And her friends outside of work were so eager to set her up with someone that they would probably ignore all of the problems that her feelings for Theo entailed. Roni was the perfect neutral party, and Willow had a feeling that she could trust Roni not to contribute to any gossip.
She took a deep breath. “You see, about four years ago, I decided to have a child on my own. But there was this mix-up.” She went on to explain everything about the confusion at the clinic. She’d meant to just stick to the facts, but as she talked to Roni, she found herself opening up more and more about how conflicted her feelings were. Even though she didn’t necessarily agree with the decision Theo had made to stay out of Maisie’s life, given his circumstances, she could understand why he’d made the choice he did. She felt that after all he’d been through, he deserved to have a chance to get to know Maisie, especially as she was starting to believe he was serious about making a life on St. Victoria. But she also felt that she was putting Maisie’s happiness at risk.
“That’s the real problem, isn’t it?” said Roni. “This isn’t just about letting him get to know his child. I think you’re afraid of him getting to know you.”
Willow blushed again. “I don’t know what to do. For the past three years, everything in my life has been about what’s best for Maisie. I can’t change that just because of an attraction to someone I barely even know.”
“Even if that someone happens to be the father of your child?”
“Especially because of that. What if it doesn’t work out? Where does that leave Maisie?”
“I hear you. But here’s a thought—what if it does?”
Willow hesitated. “That’s the other problem. I want to trust him, but I still don’t know if I can. I’ll admit that there’s a lot I like about him. But...he ignored his daughter for three years. Supposedly, he’s always wanted children, but if that were true, then shouldn’t he have made every effort to be in her life when he had the chance?”
“Cancer, though,” said Roni. “It’s a hell of a mitigating circumstance.”
“I know. And I want to be sympathetic to his situation, I really do. Except all these warning bells keep going off in my mind, telling me to be on my guard. But then, when we kissed, it felt so right.” She clapped a hand over her mouth. She hadn’t meant to tell Roni about the kiss.
But the look Roni gave her was full of understanding. “You’ve been hurt before, haven’t you?” she said.
Willow nodded. Tears welled to her eyes, and she hastened to wipe them away.
“Then there’s your answer,” Roni said. “You don’t have man problems. You have trust problems.”
“What?”
“Please. I didn’t host the highest-rated talk show in the world for fourteen years just to not be able to tell when someone’s hiding from themselves. Your problem isn’t with Theo at all.”
“Of course it is. If he hadn’t shown up here, I wouldn’t have to be dealing with any of this.”
Roni waved her hand in dismissal. “That’s just details. Date him, don’t date him, it’s your call. Although I have to admit that I’m biased toward you dating him. He did save my life, after all.”
Willow couldn’t disagree with the latter part of Roni’s statement. However she might feel about Theo, his abilities as an oncologist were clear.
“My point is that he’s not the cause of your problems. It’s the memories of this person who hurt you, not Theo.”
Willow wasn’t sure she agreed. None of the turmoil she’d experienced lately had started until Theo had shown up. She’d never once questioned her decision to swear off relationships until Theo had started flashing that warm smile of his in her direction.
“But how can this not be about him?” she said. “He’s the one who decided to show up here. He’s the one who got a job at the same clinic I’m working at.”
“Maybe he doesn’t want to waste any more time. Look, I don’t know what happened to you before, but I can say that cancer gives you a different outlook. You start looking at life differently, see all the opportunities you didn’t take.”
“Wait, Roni Santiago is talking about roads not taken? Surely you can’t have any regrets in life. Everyone in the world knows your name.”
“There’s more to life than just career. I’m talking about roads not taken in relationships. Opportunities of the heart. Maybe this Theo Moore is thinking of missed opportunities, too.”
Maybe Roni had a point.
“So you think I should give him a chance?”
“Oh, no,” Roni said, to Willow’s surprise. “I think you should give yourself a chance. I think you should try to let go of the memories of whoever hurt you, if you can. And if, while you were doing that, you happened to also let yourself see where things might go with Theo...who knows? You might even have some fun. He’s pretty easy on the eyes, after all. A little on the pale side. Needs some building up. But nice to look at overall. If I absolutely have to go through cancer, it doesn’t hurt to have a handsome doctor to get me through it.”
Willow pretended to look scandalized.
“Hey, I’m allowed to make the best of a bad situation.”
Willow snorted. “I’ll admit that it’s not a great situation, but it’s certainly not as bad as the tabloids say.” She stood up from Roni’s bedside and turned to leave. As she reached the door, she looked back and said, “Roni... I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell anyone about our conversation.”
Roni motioned to Buttons and said, “If you can keep my secrets, I can keep yours.”
* * *
“Theo? Do you have an update on the Santiago case?” Nate’s voice cut through Theo’s reverie.
Theo pulled his attention back to the meeting. He was in a case conference with the clinic’s senior staff members, reviewing updates on pressing clinical issues. His mind, though, kept drifting back to the kiss he’d shared with Willow several days ago.
But pleasant as it might be to reminisce, those thoughts weren’t going to help him make a good impression at his new job. This was his first chance at a clinical position after he’d entered remission, and he wanted to shine. He forced himself to focus.
“Roni’s prognosis is very good. She’s had quality care before she arrived, and the plan is to continue her chemo regimen here. She has about two months left of her full course, at which time we’ll reevaluate and update her treatment plan accordingly.”
“Sounds like things are going smoothly,” Nate replied. “Moving on—”
“There is a problem, though,” Theo continued.
“With her treatment?”
“No. With the press.” Theo threw a tabloid paper onto the conference table. Its headline read Roni Santiago Fights Mysterious Deadly Illness! “For one thing, these headlines are wildly misleading. It seems like in the absence of any real information they’re just making things up.”
“Nothing we can do about that,” Nate replied. “We can’t reveal any confidential information about our patients, and Roni wants utter privacy.”
“That’s not all, though. The press corps camped outside the clinic has been pushy and aggressive since the day they arrived. I’m worried about how they’re responding to staff. One of them already grabbed Willow’s arm when she tried to walk away from him.” Theo felt a twinge of guilt, as Willow had said there was no need to mention the incident to Nate. Still, seeing the throng of press outside when he arrived at work every day was unsettling. They seemed to be constantly pushing back against the security staff.
“Is Willow all right?”
“She’s fine. But I’m concerned that things could have been more serious. I’ve never seen reporters act in such a way.”
“It’s because it’s not just press, it’s paparazzi,” another doctor chimed in. “They’ll do anything to get a compromising photo of Roni. Theo’s right, though. We should do something about it before the situation escalates.”
Nate nodded. “I’ll talk to the clinic security staff about ways we might need to change procedure. Everyone should feel safe coming here, no matter what. But don’t worry, Theo. We’ve dealt with these kinds of situations before.”
“Yes, I heard about the K-pop band,” Theo said, and everyone laughed.
“That was a fiasco,” said Nate. “I think every single teenage girl on the island faked an illness or injury in order to come here and catch a glimpse of those boys.”
Most of the doctors were still laughing as they left the conference room. Theo was glad that he seemed to be fitting in well. But as he headed back toward his office, he found himself wishing that he knew where he stood with Willow.
They’d had ample opportunity to see each other over the past few days, as they were both part of Roni Santiago’s medical team. She’d been warm, but professional, and he’d tried his best to respond in kind. He always seemed to find himself tongue-tied around her.
Though, for some reason, he hadn’t felt nervous at all during their kiss. It had seemed like the most natural thing in the world to bend his head to hers and to feel her mouth yield to his, with nothing but the gentle lapping of the waves on the beach to keep him from getting utterly lost in the moment, in her.
He understood why she’d pulled back from him. If he knew one thing about Willow, it was that she was protective of her daughter. There was no way for the two of them to become involved without acknowledging the fact that it could be confusing for Maisie. He hoped Willow knew that he’d agreed with everything she’d said about wanting to put their feelings on hold because of Maisie. He thought it was for the best, too. Complicating, or even losing, his chance to get to know Maisie was out of the question. But losing the chance to kiss Willow again...well, that was also a grim prospect.
After she’d pulled away from their kiss, he’d thought, for a moment, that Willow would say that they had no chance at all. But he’d been relieved that she’d kept the door open for...something.
He wasn’t sure what that something might be, or just how far into the future she envisioned “later” to be. He was still trying to think of a way to bring it up with her when he arrived at his office and found a sticky note stuck to his computer screen. It was from Willow, inviting him to meet her for lunch in the cafeteria.
He arrived to find her already nibbling at a chocolate croissant.
“Interesting choice,” he said, sitting across from her. “A cafeteria staffed by Michelin-star-quality cooks, and yet you’re opting for a coffee and croissant for lunch.”
She closed her eyes in pleasure as she took a bite. “Clearly you haven’t yet enjoyed the magic of the Island Clinic morning pastry table. There are hardly any leftovers by lunch, but I managed to snag this one today.”
“I’ll have to try one soon.”
She gave him a mock glare and pulled the croissant toward herself. “Don’t get any ideas. This one’s mine.”
He held up his hands. “Your croissants are safe with me.”
She took a long sip of coffee, and he had a feeling she was gathering her thoughts. He was bracing himself for whatever she might say next. He hoped, more than anything, that she wasn’t about to tell him that they couldn’t see each other, because of Maisie. And yet if she was, well, then...he might not like it, but he could understand.
“I really enjoyed having dinner with you,” she said. He noticed that she seemed as careful to avoid the word date as he was. “It was my first night out in a long time, and it was fun.”
“Even with the medical emergency?”
“Especially with that. It gave me a chance to show off a little.”
He sighed. “I can’t help but feel that there’s a ‘but’ coming.”
“Theo, honesty is extremely important to me. Which is why I want to tell you that I had a good time the other night. And... I am enjoying getting to know you. I’ve been thinking a lot about roads not taken, and if it were just me, if I were completely on my own, then this would probably be a road I’d want to explore. But I’m not on my own.”
He reached across the table and covered her hand with his, and she didn’t move away. “I appreciate your honesty, and I understand. And just so you know, you’re not in this alone. Protecting Maisie is important to me, too.”
“I can see that. And that’s why we need to take things really, really slowly.”
His world stopped for a minute. He wasn’t sure he’d heard correctly. Once again, he’d been so certain that Willow was going to tell him that she couldn’t be romantically involved with him at all. But if she were talking about taking things slowly, then that meant he had a chance.
“We need to take our time,” she continued. “We’ve both been through some very sudden changes lately, and we need some time to adapt. If it were just me, I might be ready to jump in with both feet. But I don’t want to throw lots of sudden changes Maisie’s way.”
Her hand was still under his, on the table. Cautiously, without breaking eye contact, he turned his hand so that he was holding hers. “So just to be clear, this isn’t a full stop, but a slowdown.”
She held his hand as firmly as she held his gaze. “I need you to be okay with slow.”
He couldn’t stop the relieved grin that broke over his face. “Are you kidding me? I am thrilled with slow. If slow is my chance to get to know my daughter, and you, then slow is my new favorite speed.”
She gave his hand a squeeze before she took hers back. “I hope you can understand.”
“Willow, I do. I meant it when I said that you’re not in this alone. Protecting Maisie will always be my first priority.”
She nodded, but he wasn’t sure if she understood what he meant. How could she? He hadn’t yet had a chance to explain to her what having children meant to him.
“When I was diagnosed with cancer, I worried that having lots of children would be one of many dreams that I’d have to put on hold. I didn’t know if it was ever going to happen. Having my sperm frozen was my last chance. But even with that, there was no way to be sure that I would ever have children. All it did was help to increase my chances a little. And so when the clinic had their accident and Maisie was conceived...to me, it wasn’t an accident. It was a miracle. And even though I don’t know her, she’s very precious to me, because she represents part of a dream I once had. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her. Including taking things slow.”
Willow was staring at him intently. Theo hoped his words had made sense. He hoped he hadn’t come on too strong, but even if he had, he didn’t think he could have put it any other way. He’d meant every word.
But then she smiled. “I know a little something about feeling like your dreams are being taken away. Maisie represents a dream for me, too.”
He realized that she must be referring to the reason she’d had Maisie via donor insemination. It was such a personal decision that he hadn’t yet had a chance to ask her about it, but he was curious.
“What kind of dream did you have?” he asked gently.
“Oh, nothing too uncommon, I suppose. I didn’t grow up in a big family like yours. But I was always envious of people who did. I imagined having a large family of my own. And I thought my ex did, too. He’d said he did. Until, after eight years together, he decided he didn’t.”
Theo winced in sympathy. “It’s an awfully big thing to change one’s mind about.”
“The worst part is, I could have forgiven him a long time ago if he’d simply changed his mind about it. But he always said that we’d have children someday, when the time was right.”
“And the right time never came?”
She shook her head in frustration. “At first I was furious with him. All that time, he could have told me the truth, instead of saying the things he thought I wanted to hear. If he had, then maybe we could have parted as friends. Maybe we could have both found people who wanted the same things we did. But now I think I was just as angry with myself, for not seeing the truth sooner. Of course Jamie wouldn’t want children. He didn’t even like children. He never wanted to spend any time with his young nieces and nephews. He’d even complain if we went to a restaurant and there were children nearby.”
“It sounds as though you two were rather badly matched.”
“To say the least of it. I can see now that we weren’t right for each other. But we started dating when we were very young. I’d never broken up with anyone before. And the worst part wasn’t just losing the relationship. It was losing that whole dream of having a family.”
“And so you decided to have Maisie.”
“Exactly,” she said. “So you see, Theo, I do know how it feels to worry that your dreams are slipping away.”
Theo realized that he and Willow might be more similar than he’d thought. They’d both had to find creative ways around life’s obstacles. He found his respect for her growing even more.
“I had so much of my future built up around Jamie, and so when we broke up, I knew that I never wanted to put myself through that pain again,” she continued. “Especially once Maisie arrived. And so I swore off relationships for a while. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m pretty out of practice with...certain things.”
He smiled. “So we go slow.”
“Yes.”
He tried not to let his expression betray his thoughts. She was out of practice? He hadn’t been with anyone for nearly four years. His body was such a shadow of what it used to be after chemo that it was hard enough for him to look at it, let alone anyone else.
But when he’d kissed Willow on the boardwalk, his body had seemed to know just how to respond when he’d felt her hot skin against his, out of practice or not.
He wanted very much to find some secluded place with Willow now, where they could finish what they’d started on that boardwalk, and catch up on whatever practice they needed after taking the past few years off from relationships.
But they were trying to take things slow. And so instead, he said, “I found a house to rent last week. I decided to decline the staff housing here, in favor of increased privacy. Would it be going slow enough if I invited you and Maisie over to see the house this weekend? We could make it a bit of a housewarming party. I could spend some time with her, and you can see if the house meets with your approval.”
“You have a house already? You’ve only been here three weeks.”
“It turned out to be much easier to find a place to rent than I thought. It even came with a dog.”
“I...didn’t know that was typical.”
“The landlord said he’d been living on the porch for months. He’s very friendly. Do you like dogs? Does Maisie?”
“She’ll be over the moon. She’s been pestering me for one for ages, but I was going to wait for her birthday next year.”
“You’ll come, then? It’s a...date?”
“It’s a start.”