THEO DIDN’T KNOW how he was able to get himself to work over the next few days, but he managed somehow. He might have felt as though his heart had been ripped from his chest were it not for the occasional pangs that shot through it, letting him know that his heart was indeed still there, still beating and still broken.
He hadn’t seen Willow for several days. He knew nothing of the details of her absence, only that she’d taken a few days off. He hoped that she wasn’t alone, in pain, because of him. When he’d first gotten to know Willow, he’d been struck by how independent she was, and also how alone. He, at least, had Becca to talk to, and if he’d wanted to, he had more family anytime he needed them. Who did Willow talk to about her heartbreak? Was she feeling heartbreak? He didn’t know what would feel worse, the thought of her getting over their relationship quickly, or the thought of her grieving by herself, with no one to give her comfort or support.
He should be that person, giving her support. Instead, he was the person who’d caused her pain. Something he promised himself he’d never do. But then, it seemed he was in the habit of breaking promises these days. Even to himself.
Even though it was hard to focus at work, he was grateful for the distraction that his patients and his research provided. Shifting his attention to his clinical work helped to ease his heartbreak a bit, although of course it was always there, waiting, when he was finished for the day.
He found himself lingering at the clinic after his shifts were over, reluctant to go home with just Bixby for company and face the emptiness there. He spent extra time checking in with his patients, who seemed grateful for his concern, albeit a little surprised by the late hours he was keeping.
One patient was especially blunt.
“Shouldn’t you be home by now?” asked Roni. Theo had been taking his time in wrapping up his rounds for the day, and had checked in on Roni more than once.
“I’m staying late tonight to get through some paperwork and thought I’d check in,” he responded. “Didn’t mean to bother you.”
“It’s no bother. I just thought that all doctors hit the golf course after four p.m. Glad to be proven wrong.”
“I hear you’ll be leaving us soon,” he said. Roni had her final dose of chemotherapy scheduled within the week, and all signs indicated that her tumor was shrinking. “You’ll need to be closely monitored to make sure things continue to go well. But if the cancer cells continue to recede for at least a month, we’ll be able to officially say that you’re in remission.”
“Well, that’s good news. I won’t miss being sick, but I will miss this place.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to stay here, where we can keep an eye on you?”
She sighed. “As nice as that sounds, it’s time for me to get back to the real world. This has been a very nice pretend vacation. And I do think pretending to be on vacation was just what I needed to get through chemo. But I’m ready to get back to my life, and my work. What about you, Doc? Are you ready to face reality yet?”
“What do you mean?”
“No offense, Doc, but your expression says a little more than ‘I’m bummed to be at work late.’ You look positively mopey. If I didn’t know better, I might wonder if you’re here late because you’re hiding from something.”
He forced a smile. “It’s nothing.”
“Nothing you want to talk about with me, anyway. That’s fine. You know who’s a good person to talk things over with? My favorite nurse. Who I’m pretty sure was your favorite nurse, up until a few days ago.”
He winced. “How much do you know?”
“She hasn’t told me anything. But I know a lovers’ quarrel when I see one. Did you do something stupid?”
“Yes, I think maybe I did.”
She sighed. “That’s very unfortunate. I haven’t seen her for a few days, and I miss having her around.”
“Me, too.”
“What happened?”
“I really screwed up,” he said, and then found he simply couldn’t continue. His voice caught in his throat. He’d made the same mistake so many times. He’d done it with Maisie, keeping himself out of her life so that she wouldn’t be hurt by the loss of a parent. He’d meant to protect her, but instead he simply hadn’t been there for her. And then with Willow, by doing the same thing that her ex had done to her. And now he might have lost Willow forever.
It can’t be too late, he thought. It just can’t be.
Roni was waiting patiently. He didn’t feel pressured to speak, but he had the distinct impression that she was willing to listen, if he wanted to talk.
“I promised I’d always be open with her,” he said. “And then I wasn’t. I kept a secret, to protect her.”
“Sounds like she wanted the truth more than she wanted to be protected.”
“I guess you’ve gotten to know Willow pretty well during your time here.”
“I think so. She’s a special one, isn’t she?”
“Yes,” Theo said, trying without success to keep the emotion out of his voice. “She is.”
“I’m going to miss how luxurious this place is, but I’m going to miss my conversations with her most of all. Don’t let her get away.”
“I think I already have.”
“That’s possible. We have to let people go when they need to leave. But I’ve seen how red her eyes are. I don’t know if she’d have so many tears if she didn’t still have some feelings for you.”
His heart twisted itself into knots at the thought of Willow in tears. He wanted to take hope from Roni’s words, but Willow had left him feeling certain that she didn’t see a future for the two of them.
And even if there was some way that they could get back together, it wouldn’t solve the other problem.
The fact was, that even though he’d made a terrible mistake, he had done it to protect Willow. And no matter what happened to change his role in Willow’s life, he would always want to protect her. Whether he was her lover, friend, coworker... Even if he became nothing more to her than a distant memory, his first priority would always be her protection.
But Willow didn’t want protection. She wanted honesty. How was he supposed to be honest if it hurt her?
And what if something serious did happen? This time, the biopsy had been clear. But what if the cancer came back? Or what if some other, unforeseen disaster befell them? Life was full of surprises, and not all of them were pleasant. He wanted to be someone who could offer Willow shelter, not someone who would add to her worries.
“Even if she does still feel something for me, it doesn’t change that there’s always the threat of something else looming over us. Cancer, or something else. Something even worse could go wrong.”
“Now you’re just being ridiculous.”
He jerked back in surprise.
“Seriously. What you’re saying is absurd. Unexpected problems can arise at any time. That’s part of life, Doc. You of all people should know that, both as a doctor and as a cancer survivor. You sound like someone who’s just trying to protect yourself from getting hurt.”
Her words reminded him so much of what Becca had said, what Willow had said. He thought for a moment, trying to explain how he felt. He looked at the little dog, Buttons, nuzzled close at Roni’s side. “Don’t you ever worry about what would happen to Buttons if you couldn’t take care of him anymore? Wouldn’t you do anything to protect him, even if it meant giving him up?”
“Well. You’re asking a billionaire with a full-time house staff, so take my answer with a grain of salt. I know that Buttons would be well cared for if anything happened to me. But even I didn’t... I could never pass up the chance to have Buttons in my life, even if I didn’t have two pennies to rub together. He’s been such a comfort to me. And I would rather focus on enjoying the dogs—and the people—who are in my life now, rather than worrying about what might happen later.”
He said, a little sheepishly, “I’ve wanted a dog for a long time, but with the cancer... I was always worried about what would become of it if I couldn’t take care of it anymore.”
“That’s your problem, if you don’t mind me saying so, Doc. If you spend your life waiting until it’s all smooth sailing, then you’ll never get anything you want. You’ve got to grab your life with both hands and make the future you want for yourself. Cancer be damned. Change is going to happen no matter what. You might as well enjoy yourself while you can.”
“But what if someone gets hurt? I just wanted to keep Willow from feeling any sadness. What if I just end up causing her more pain?”
“I don’t know. But it seems like you’re unilaterally deciding for yourself who should or shouldn’t have to feel anything. Maybe she should be part of that decision, too.”
He knew Roni was right. Once again, he could feel a dream slipping away from him. Years ago, he’d had the same feeling when he’d been told that he might not be able to have children. He’d done something about that, even though he’d known that freezing his sperm wasn’t a guarantee that he’d have children someday. But it had brought him peace of mind, knowing that the option was there. And then Maisie had happened, not so much an accident, but a miracle in his opinion.
But this time, it was Willow who was slipping away, and the dreams he’d already begun for their life together. He’d known her for such a short time that he hadn’t realized just how powerful those dreams had become. He hadn’t even noticed, until now when he was faced with losing her, that every vision of the future he had included her. And yet now that dream was ending almost as soon as it had begun, and this time it wasn’t the fault of some outside force. He couldn’t blame this on the cancer. He realized now that the situation was entirely his fault, because of the choice he’d made to withhold information from Willow.
He’d been so stupid, he thought. He could have prevented all of this, if only he been paying attention. Willow had told him what she wanted. Even Becca had tried to warn him that he was making a mistake. And he could see now what he could have done differently, but he was very afraid that Willow had been right when she’d said it was too late.
* * *
Willow watched Theo and Roni from the hallway. She couldn’t hear their conversation, but she could see Roni’s smiles. Theo was so good with patients. There was something about his warm presence that they responded to immediately. She certainly knew how it felt to experience Theo’s calm, earnest demeanor. Regardless of the difficulties that had arisen between them, no one could deny that Theo had a sincere desire to help his patients. Willow had always been impressed at how Theo approached each patient with exactly the same warmth. He was the same person with billionaire Roni Santiago that he was with any patient from St. Victoria. It was one of the things she had liked best about him.
It was still a trait that she appreciated, which was probably a good thing. She was glad she could still like Theo as a doctor, if not as a person.
She could see that he was a good doctor, a good man. Seeing the way he worked with cancer patients had shown her just how well Theo understood the fear and anxiety that came with a life-threatening illness. Her heart still ached for all he’d been through. And a part of her wanted, more than anything, to throw her arms around him and tell him that her feelings hadn’t changed. But she couldn’t trust that part of her. It might be nice, for a brief moment, to fantasize about holding Theo and telling him that they could have a future, and whatever that future brought, they’d face it together. But that fantasy would never come true, because Theo wasn’t the kind of person who wanted to face things together. He’d shown her that clearly enough.
It had been very difficult to go into work each day. So difficult that she’d decided to take a few personal days, just to clear her head. She was glad she’d taken the time off. It had given her the space she needed to gain some clarity about what to do next.
At first, continuing to work in the same place as Theo had seemed impossible. How could she possibly stand seeing him every day? She’d thought briefly about leaving the Island Clinic and taking a job at St. Victoria Hospital. The pay would be far lower, but that might be less painful than seeing Theo.
She’d also considered asking Theo to leave, but that didn’t seem fair. He’d come to St. Victoria to meet his daughter. He’d fulfilled every condition she’d set forth, and more. Their time together had simply been an unexpected diversion. He was a good doctor, and he cared deeply for Maisie. St. Victoria and the Island Clinic needed him. And Maisie needed him. She’d decided she couldn’t deprive her daughter of the chance to feel connected to an extended family. No matter how heartbroken Willow might be, Maisie deserved to have the family support that Willow had always dreamed of.
She waited for Theo to finish up with Roni. As he turned away from Roni’s bedside, she saw his face light up in recognition as he saw her standing in the shadows of the hallway. She noticed that it still hurt to see the way the corners of his mouth tugged up, as though his default expression were to smile. Dammit, she thought. It has to stop hurting someday. She just wished she knew when.
She motioned to him to step out into the hall with her, and they found a secluded corner.
“I’m so glad to see you,” he said. “Are you here for a shift?”
“No,” she said. “I’ll come back officially tomorrow. But I’m here now to see you. I thought it would be good for the two of us to have a chance to talk, face-to-face, before I start again. So that we’re both clear on where we stand with one another.”
“Please,” he said. “Can’t I just have one more chance to explain?”
She closed her eyes. She knew she shouldn’t listen. But she couldn’t bring herself to stop him, either. She wished there were something, anything, that he could say that could make everything better.
“I don’t want to let this go. To let us go,” he said. “There has to be some way to fix it.”
“I wish there were.”
“You were right, you know. When you said that this is something I do. I do push people away. Usually the people I care about most. Part of it’s because my family is so close-knit. I love that, but I love having privacy, too. And when my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, it almost broke me to see all the pain they were going through. I couldn’t stand the thought of adding to it.”
He took her hand. “And then you became someone who was close to me, too. And when I think of the pain my family went through... I knew that I never wanted to put anyone I cared about through something like that. Not if I could help it. And so I was desperate to spare you.
“But I know that wasn’t right. You didn’t want to be spared the truth. I should have told you, right away, what was going on. I should never have tried to hide anything from you. Please, I’d do anything to have another chance. To show you I’ve changed.”
She took her hand back. “No. I think we’re just going to go around in circles.” The words were hard to say, but it would have been harder still to have left them unsaid.
He took a long, slow breath. The look on his face cut her to the core. Then he said, “So what do we do now?”
“Well. That’s what I came here to talk to you about.”
It was as though a light had dimmed from his eyes. She could see that it was painful for him to speak. But better that they were having this conversation now, rather than later.
“Under other circumstances, I might offer to leave,” he said. “I hate the idea of you feeling uncomfortable when we see each other here at work, or anywhere on the island. My leaving would probably make everything less complicated for both of us.”
The words sent a jolt through her. It was a possibility she’d considered, but to hear him say it out loud made it real. There was something almost wrong about those words.
But then he continued. “I can’t, though. Even if you never want to see me again, I can’t leave. If you don’t want me to see Maisie, I’ll understand. But I have to be here for her, in case she ever needs me.”
“I know. You’re right, you should stay.” His eyes widened, and she clarified. “You can see Maisie. Your relationship with her shouldn’t be contingent on what happens with us. I need a little more time to pass before I’m ready to set up anything regularly. I’m just...not ready for that conversation yet. But I wanted you to know that eventually we’ll figure out some way for you to spend time with her.”
The relief on his face was evident, and she felt another wave of warmth toward him. He cared so much for Maisie. But at this moment, warmth was not a helpful feeling. She needed to stay firm in her resolve.
“Getting to know you has been good for Maisie. I can see that. And I want her to know her extended family. I don’t want anything that’s happened to us to take that from her. And we’ve both always said that we didn’t want her to get hurt as a result of our involvement with one another.”
“Thank you, Willow. This means more to me than you can possibly imagine.”
“As far as work goes, I know that you’re usually at St. Victoria Hospital in the mornings. So I’ll just stick to morning shifts, and I can’t imagine we’ll have to deal with one another too often.” She couldn’t believe the way her words were coming out: cool and professional. There was no hint of the emotions that had been roiling within her over the past few days. But then, perhaps it was simply because the heartbreak had pushed her to a place beyond feeling.
“I could leave the Island Clinic and get a job somewhere else,” he offered.
“Where? You already tried St. Victoria Hospital, and they sent you here. There are no other medical centers on the island. Where else would you work?”
“I...don’t have to be a doctor.”
“Are you saying that because it’s true, or because it’s what you think I want to hear?”
“I’m saying it because I mean it. Because even though being an oncologist is important to me, your well-being is more important. And I’m saying it because even though you might be all right with the two of us working together, I don’t know if I can handle it.”
She gave him a watery smile. “Don’t you dare decide you’re quitting medicine. You’ve got research studies that are about to start at the hospital. People are counting on those for their care. You’re a good doctor, Theo. And you’ve never had the chance to really shine in your career, due to circumstances outside of your control. But I know you could. And I know that the patients here need you. They need someone who understands the fear, who’s been where they’ve been. You belong here.”
Now it was her turn to reach out for his hand. Probably for the last time. “I hope you understand what I’m saying. That I can understand how much you want to be in Maisie’s life, and that I think we can work together.”
“And nothing more.”
She steeled her resolve. She’d come this far, and if she gave in now, she’d never be able to get through this conversation again. “You’ve earned the right to be here. And to be in Maisie’s life. But as far as I’m concerned, you and I are through.”