THE FIRST CALL came thirty-seven seconds into the early shift. A welcome distraction for Annabel, who had barely felt the coffee start to work after the morning she’d already had.
‘Heathrow Airport, Terminal Two, fall after feeling faint. Incoming passenger from Finland, no history yet. Sixty-two-year-old male. Possible head injury from the fall.’
‘Let’s go.’ Annabel grinned at her driving partner, turning on the sirens and strapping into the ambulance seat. ‘I need to turn my crappy morning around. Saving a life might just do that.’
Tom, her long-running partner and work husband, pulled out of the ambulance station, Penny waving them off from the control desk as they pulled out into the slowly separating mid-morning traffic.
‘Aidan?’ he asked, flicking her a supportive best friend look. Tom was a gem. She couldn’t help but open up to him whenever they were together. She rolled her eyes at him now, puffing a strand of dark hair out of her way with a blow of exasperated air.
‘Who else? The builders are leaving stuff everywhere; the whole gaff is covered in dust. He’s fed up, poor kid. Plus, he’s doing some big project at school, and he keeps leaving little bits of paper everywhere, and going through Mum’s old photos. I feel like I’m constantly just cleaning up all the time, and it still looks exactly the same. I’m about ready to pack us both off to a hotel with a pool for the weekend, just to get some peace. I would have already, but the builders are bleeding me dry. I swear, I’ve been saving to buy our forever home for years, but now it’s here I wish I’d realised how much work it was going to be.’
Tom kept his eyes on the road, ever vigilant, but chuckled. ‘It’s your dream though! Just imagine what it’s going to be like when it’s all done. What’s up with the little man, anyway?’
‘Lord knows. Early hormones maybe? He’s so moody lately,’ she carried on, mentally checking the rig and the traffic as she talked about her frustration. They were going to be at the call soon, and then it would be all business.
Aidan was doing a project about family. She didn’t tell Tom this, but she was pretty sure that the lack of names on Aidan’s family tree had a little something to do with his current mood.
‘It turned into a whole thing this morning. Apparently, I’m an utter dork and he hates living in the new house. I figured he’d forget about it a little once I’d explained that the work wouldn’t take forever. And that I wasn’t a dork. Obviously.’
‘Obviously,’ Tom chortled. ‘Then what?’
‘Then I dropped him off at breakfast club and...ugh. It was just tense, and I hate waving him off like that. He’s not my biggest fan today.’
The station radioed, asking for an updated ETA, and Annabel got to work, flashing him a rueful smile. She saw him clench his jaw, but he said nothing else, just put his foot down as soon as the traffic opened up.
‘Nothing to say?’ she probed once the cab fell silent once more, the sirens the only noise around them. Tom raised his brows, but still said nothing. Annabel huffed at him, but he smirked and ignored her. ‘He is your godson.’
‘Yep, and I’m not going to get involved. He still likes me.’ Annabel’s resulting scowl made him guffaw with laughter. ‘Just cut him some slack. I know he’s testing your limits, but it must be a lot for him too, right? It’s not been the easiest of years for either of you. With his fall, and your big move? He’s lived in one place his whole life, and so have you. It must be hard leaving your mother’s flat; it’s a connection to her that you’ve needed since she passed. I remember how upset you were when you started training. Your mother died, you started training to be a paramedic, then Har—Aidan came along. You haven’t taken your foot off the accelerator for a long time. Once you get your house done, you need to enjoy life a little more, that’s all.’
She huffed again, crossing her arms, but she knew he was right. It had been a busy time, and she knew how changes could affect a person better than most. She thought back to Aidan’s fall. She’d been on shift when the call had come through from Aidan’s school. He’d had a bad fall from the equipment in the gym. She hadn’t taken the call, but she’d rushed straight to hospital as quickly as she could, to be by his side. Just thinking of her little boy, unconscious and covered in wires and tubes, it still made her shudder. Life could change in an instant. She owed it to both of them to relax a little, start to enjoy the little things a bit more.
‘I know; you’re right. This year has taught me to cherish the everyday a bit more. Aidan’s probably picking up on my stress too.’ She looked across at her friend, playfully tapping him on the arm. ‘You’re going to be a great dad, you know.’
Tom kept his eyes on the road but his face lit up.
‘Oh, I know. Watching you all these years, I picked up a thing or two. We can’t wait.’
‘Another lamb to the slaughter,’ Annabel muttered. ‘I can’t wait to see it either. I might even buy popcorn.’
* * *
They pulled into the airport in record time, heading for Terminal Two and their casualty. A small crowd of people were surrounding a shuttle bus pulled over at the side of the road, and Annabel pointed Tom their way. A couple of people from the crowd heard them coming and started to flag them down.
‘Oh, thank goodness!’ An ashen-faced woman wearing a bright floral summer dress half pulled Annabel out of the cab. ‘It’s my husband! He needs to go to hospital!’
Annabel felt the woman’s shaky hand encase her gloved one, and she squeezed it gently. ‘We’re here to help, but I have to get my equipment quickly. I need my hand, okay?’ She stressed that last part, knowing that the seconds were ticking away. The woman smiled through her panic and let her go. Within seconds, they were by the patient’s side, but someone was already working on the man lying on the ground, a beach towel underneath him that cushioned him from the harsh surface beneath him.
‘Sir, could you step aside, please?’ Tom asked the man. ‘Help’s h—’
Annabel’s gasp cut Tom off. Either that, or she didn’t hear anything he said after her shock discovery. Her world had tilted sideways for a second, but she found she was still on her feet. She was suddenly years younger, sitting back on that airport bench, with waffle marks on her behind from the metal bench. And a broken, utterly shattered heart as she watched the man she loved walk out of her life forever. Her stomach recoiled at the memory.
Please, please, don’t let me vomit in this damn airport again because of this man. It can’t be him. She blinked hard. I’m seeing things. What the heck was in that coffee?
There was a man crouched over the patient, who was conscious and seemingly looking for someone, his head moving from side to side. His hands were reaching for someone as the man tried to settle him, speaking softly to him and trying to keep him from getting up. The wife pushed past the two ambulance personnel and knelt by his side. Tom started to talk to the Good Samaritan, asking curtly for details of what had happened, and Annabel walked towards the patient. Luckily, the professional part of her brain had switched to autopilot and she was focused on the job. The rest of her was in utter shock and wanted to turn the heck around and run for the hills. She knew she needed to run to the patient but her legs were uncooperative blobs of jelly. Just putting one floppy foot in front of the other was a herculean effort. All she could think about was the look on the Samaritan’s face when he saw her: the look of utter disbelief at what he was seeing. She wondered what the expression on her own face might have told him. Did she look just as shocked as she felt?
He always could read me. It seems that some things never change. I need to focus! The patient. Dear God, why is he here now? Is it a coincidence? I need to work. Focus on work. I’ve wasted enough years wondering about what’s going through that man’s head, let alone his motivations. Get the job done and get the heck out of Dodge. It doesn’t matter what he’s doing here, as long as he’s going. Maybe he’s here to fly off again—he’s good at that.
She took her chance as Tom distracted the man, to get to the patient lying on the floor.
She checked the vitals of the patient, talking to the man she now knew to be Frank Jessop, returning from a very busy holiday visiting family who’d moved to Finland. He’d overindulged on the flight, it seemed, and had a dip in blood pressure that sent his heart into overdrive. Lugging cases and sitting on a cramped, hot shuttle bus had been the last straw. Hitting the bus rail on the way down, he now had a fall to add to his misery.
Checking him over, Annabel was satisfied he had no obvious broken bones, but the pain in his back and knock to the head meant he needed to be transported safely to hospital to be checked over fully. His vitals were stable and holding steady. No blown pupils, and he tracked her finger with no issues. He had a headache, but nothing too concerning. He would be fine, but still needed to have a trip to hospital.
Now brought around by his Good Samaritan, however, Frank was eager to get up off the floor and on his way home. He was embarrassed and eager to forget about the whole thing. Annabel knew how he felt as she crouched down next to him on the ground. She could see that Tom was dealing with the small crowd, getting people on their way on the shuttle bus. Keeping him at arm’s length from her, which she was grateful for.
Thank goodness she was working with Tom and not one of the others. The conversation Tom would want to have was going to be bad enough. She didn’t want the rumour mill to start up again; she couldn’t bear it. Especially not in her current role. She was the lead paramedic now; she didn’t want to be the subject of whispers and awkward looks in the corridors again any time soon.
* * *
‘I’m sorry, Frank, but we do need to take you in, get you checked over properly. You can’t drive home, but you can make arrangements with your family to collect your car. Okay?’ She could see the panic creep back onto the man’s face, and she smiled at him gently. She had sounded a little robotic. She licked her lips, suddenly feeling parched. Exposed to the rays of the hot sun, and her own past. She kept her eyes focused on her patient’s face.
‘Don’t worry, the car parking company have plans for this kind of thing. They’ll get it all arranged till you can collect your car. Let’s get you sorted, okay? My colleague will bring the stretcher.’ She looked across to Tom, but he was already on his way over with the equipment they needed. The Samaritan was standing off to one side, near to Frank’s wife. How caring of him, she thought childishly. She didn’t look at the man as they got Frank strapped in and wrapped up, but she felt as if his eyes were boring into her cheek the whole time.
‘Annabel?’
Hearing him say her name felt like an arrow right through the heart. How long had it been since she’d heard him speak her name? How many times had she spoken his, on the messages she’d left on his phone? The ones he had never answered. ‘I’m sorry, Annie,’ were the last words he’d spoken to her, before walking through the security doors and leaving her standing there, in this very airport.
‘Annie?’ He said it again now, a little louder. She ignored him, but her whole body flinched, and she really had to stop her head from turning to the sound.
‘Annabel,’ he tried again. ‘Please...’
‘I’m working, sir,’ she said as coldly as she could. She heard the break in her voice and hated herself for it. Suck it up, Annie! ‘If you could just stand back and let us do our work.’
‘I was first on scene...’ he started, but she cut him off. She wouldn’t compromise the patient, and she had done a thorough check-up on Frank. She and Tom had this, and she didn’t want to be in his proximity a minute longer than she had to be. She felt as if her whole body were on fire, and she didn’t like how out of control she felt.
‘Thank you for that. If you have any pertinent information, my colleague can take it.’ She risked looking at him now and felt so grateful that she’d managed to arrange her face into a professional, emotionless expression. It was one of the hardest things she’d ever done. Last week she’d abseiled halfway down a building to reach a casualty who was locked out on a balcony and unconscious. Thinking about it, that had actually been far easier than looking Harrison—Harry—Carter straight in the face without either breaking down, punching him right in his stupid girlfriend-abandoning face or running into his arms. She couldn’t deal with him right now, or ever. She thought about the last time she had uttered his name, and she felt her cheeks flush at the memory.
He can’t be here because of that though, right? If he is, he’s a bit late. Six months late. Eight years late, for that matter. He’s had plenty of chances to come back, and he’s never taken any of them before.
She found herself staring deep into his eyes despite herself, trying to read him.
God, if only the frontiers of medicine could crack mind-reading. It would mean a lot fewer broken hearts. She wanted to know just what was going on in that beautiful head of his. His stupid, woman-leaving head.
‘Why are you here?’ she blurted, just as Tom arrived with the stretcher.
‘I came to see you,’ Harry said simply, and as Annabel’s emotions did a double-take she felt Tom touch her arm, bringing her back to reality.
‘You ready?’ Tom was looking at Harry with a wary expression, as if he were waiting for him to explode and take the lot of them out with him. ‘Annabel?’
‘Yep, yep!’ she yipped back like an overexcited terrier, turning away and looking at Tom. He nodded to her once before glaring back at Harry.
‘You okay?’ Tom said out of the corner of his mouth as they got the equipment ready. ‘Did he really just say he’d come to see you?’
Out of the corner of her mouth, she shushed him.
‘Tom! He’ll hear you! And yes.’
‘I can hear you just fine, dear,’ Frank said as they lifted him off the ground. ‘My hearing’s fine. I really think I should just go home. I don’t need all this fuss. You should be looking after someone who’s sick.’
‘Sorry, Frank you have a ride in the ambulance ahead of you. We need to get you checked over.’
Frank tutted, and Harry stepped forward. ‘Can I help?’
‘No,’ Annabel said bluntly. ‘Please, just step back and let us do our job.’ She gave him a look that meant to maim. ‘We don’t need you here.’ Harry raised his arms in surrender, his face a picture of hurt as he stepped back away from them. Annabel winced inwardly, but then thought back to being in that airport as her boyfriend told her he was going away without her, and her resolve strengthened.
Securing Frank to the gurney now, Annabel kept her head focused on the job. She just couldn’t look at her friend. Their friend, once upon a time. One look right now at Tom and he would read her face and know her truth. She felt as if her secret was radiating out of her, and Tom had been suspicious enough over the years. One look, and he would work it out. She couldn’t let that happen, especially with him right here. He was standing back from the small crowd now, alone, a suitcase at his feet.
Great. Anything else you want to throw at me today? A swarm of locusts, maybe?
She took him in once more as they pushed Frank to the ambulance, his wife following close behind, Tom talking to Frank, keeping a close eye on his vitals. She was looking at the details too—Frank, Tom and his attempts to catch her eye, and him. Harry. The man she’d once declared to be the love of her life. The one she’d also claimed, to everyone she knew, to be dead to her. He didn’t look dead, of course. He looked positively glowing in fact. Tanned, well dressed, a little tired perhaps. She hoped that jet lag would bite him on the behind. He was due a bit of karma, surely? He was bronzed, his hair even lighter than she’d remembered. His sun-kissed skin was a perk of his fancy job, no doubt. Life must have been good in Dubai.
Well, la-di-dah. Good for you, Harry. Your new life without me obviously agrees with you.
He looked less of a boy now, of course, but she could still see him there underneath the day’s worth of dark stubble. The angular jaw he kept flexing, tight-lipped as he looked right back at her. She saw that his legs were still strong and muscular, thicker set now than when she’d lain beside him, her limbs entwined with his. He still had the slightly floppy look to his blond hair, the nervous little twitch in the corner of his mouth. They got closer to him, and she watched as he collected his case and walked towards the car park. He didn’t look back once. She swallowed to stop herself from calling his name impulsively. All she could hear in her head was his voice. I came to see you.
Looking back at Tom, she finally met his eye. They had a bit of a code, honed over the years of working together. It had been eight years since Harry had left, and Tom knew what seeing him again would do to her. He nodded once at her, their shorthand for checking the other was okay. She nodded back, her usual ‘I’m fine’ nod. Tom frowned but turned his focus fully back to the job. Reaching behind him for the door, he opened up the back and they got back to work. Before Annabel closed the ambulance double doors she looked around, but Harry was gone.
‘As if I could ever expect anything else,’ she muttered under her breath, before swinging the metal doors shut once more against her old, long thought buried pain.
* * *
Tom was the best friend a woman could ever ask for. He really was. Married to the job, and restaurant owner Lloyd, he was the ultimate paramedic partner. Not to mention the fact that he and Lloyd had taken her on some of the best nights out she’d ever had, they were great with their godson Aidan and they always, always had her back.
The week that Harry had left, the pair of them had declared him a scoundrel and vowed never to talk to him again. And they hadn’t. No one had, truth be told. Not that Annabel had ever asked that of anyone. She’d pushed the other way even, in the early days. The truth was that for the first three weeks she’d wanted them to get in touch with him. She’d called him more than a few times, even called the hospital in Dubai he was supposed to be working in. All she’d got was a wall of silence. She’d wanted to know he was okay, as much as she’d hated herself for it. She wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of begging him to come home or talk about how heartbroken she was without him, but it didn’t mean that she could just turn her feelings off. As much as she’d tried to.
She’d been in shock for the longest time when he’d left. In the back of her mind she’d even hoped he would come back to her on his own. Get over there and miss her, realise he was still in love and come to get her back by his side. Hear one of her voicemails or read one of her texts and realise what he was doing.
But there’d been nothing, and she hadn’t called him since those first few weeks after he’d left. She couldn’t, not once she’d realised that he wasn’t going to call back or come home and she would have to deal with everything he had left behind all alone. She’d vowed to herself that from then on she would never contact him again, and she’d stuck to it for years. Almost perfectly, till one day six months ago. Now look what had happened. He’d been there, in that airport of all places. Like the Ghost of Christmas Past, complete with sun-kissed skin and a look in his eyes she’d never seen before.
He’d looked so unruffled by seeing her, but he’d said he’d come to see her. What did he want? Why now? Had he been talking to someone in her life? Surely he hadn’t hopped on a plane just to tell her that he still wasn’t bothered about her. What she knew now, after seeing him, was that she was still bothered by him. When she’d passed by him she’d felt as if she was on fire. She’d wanted to talk to him even, hear what he had to say...but she didn’t even want to know what he would say. It was too risky, and things were complicated enough. Would he still want to talk to her if he knew all the facts? Did he know all the facts?
All of these questions were making her head spin, and for the millionth time in the last eight years she doubted the decisions she had made since he’d left. She couldn’t take them back now, and she wasn’t ready to deal with them either. Burying her head in the sand had served her well up to now, or so she’d thought. The second she’d set eyes on Harry, her blood had turned to ice in her veins.
What had she done? What if he hated her?
For the longest time she’d felt as though she hated him, but the thought of him despising her knocked her off her feet even now.
Oh, heavens, it was pointless anyway. The whole thing was a mess, and now her morning was utterly ruined. She sighed and took a seat next to Frank’s wife Janice, in the back.
‘Ready, Tom,’ she called and half a second later the vehicle was on the move, sirens on. Janice whimpered at the side of Annabel, and she put her hand on hers.
‘Don’t worry; it’s just to get you there quicker. Traffic is a nightmare here this time of day.’
Janice nodded, the worry still evident on her face. ‘Thank you. My daughter’s on the way to pick the car up and the cases, so that’s something. I do wish we hadn’t troubled you. You must be so busy.’
Annabel waved her away, keen to help her feel settled in such a scary situation. ‘No trouble at all. It’s what we’re here for. How long have you two been married?’
‘Coming up to forty years now,’ Frank replied, reaching for his wife with a shaky hand. ‘It’s why we went away, a little trip to see some family that moved abroad. My brother and his wife and their kids. We had such a lovely time, and now look.’
‘Don’t worry, you’ll be fine, Frank. Don’t let this spoil the memories of your trip. You got a lot of family?’
Janice reached into her handbag and pulled out a little book of photos. On the front cover, it read Grandparents Brag Book. ‘Oh, yes! We have seven grandchildren, and our first great-grandchild on the way. Plus our two daughters.’ She flipped through the book, and Annabel saw the pride on her face as she looked at each memory. People with smiling faces, babies sleeping in bouncers, birthday parties full of life and obvious love. ‘You got any kids?’
‘One,’ she said. ‘Aidan.’ She reached into her pocket, unlocking the screen on her phone to show them both a photo of her son. He was dressed in his school uniform, standing in front of the front door of their old flat, beaming smile and book bag in hand. ‘He’s in primary school.’
‘He’s lovely.’ Janice leaned in close to the screen. ‘He looks like you.’
‘I get that a lot.’ Annabel smiled, checking on Frank as they chatted. ‘It’s just the two of us, so we’re pretty close. He’s a little whirlwind, keeps me on my toes.’
‘He looks like butter wouldn’t melt,’ Frank muttered, wincing when he turned his head. ‘Good age, by the looks. Enjoy it before the hormones kick in.’
Janice laughed. ‘Oh, yes, wait till puberty hits. With our girls, I think we aged about ten years overnight.’
Frank groaned theatrically, and the two of them gave each other a knowing look. ‘I used to beg my boss for overtime; it was easier than dealing with the moody twosome at home.’
Thinking about Aidan that morning, Annabel could relate. ‘Kids, eh?’ she laughed. ‘Can’t live with them, can’t live without them.’
‘Grandkids make up for it though. Plus, seeing your kids get a taste of their own medicine has given us a few laughs over the years. Best of all, you get to hand them back at the end of the day. You have any other family?’
She thought of her mother, feeling the familiar pang of loss stab at her, and nodded slowly. ‘I have people in my corner. It takes a village, right?’
She thought of her station family, and the man at the airport. He was my family once.
‘We do okay; it’s always been just us. He has everything he needs.’ She didn’t know who she was trying to convince, but she squashed down the maelstrom of feelings pulsating through her.
We’re just fine. Aren’t we?
‘How do you know the man who helped us?’ Janice asked innocently. ‘I saw you talking to him. We’d like to thank him too, if we could.’
It was said so innocently, but Annabel couldn’t bring herself to answer at first. Quantifying Harry into a single sentence was impossible, but she tried anyway.
‘I knew him a long time ago. Since the first year of primary school, actually. He moved away after we qualified; he used to be one of us.’
Janice nodded, seemingly satisfied. ‘Are you still in touch? Could you thank him for us?’
She still had his number in her phone, despite having changed handsets over the years. It was a weakness of hers, so she pushed down the whirl of emotions running through her and gave Janice’s hand a pat.
‘I will,’ she lied easily. ‘I’ll let him know.’ One more thing to never tell Harry to add to the list. At least this one was small in comparison to the others.
* * *
‘Annabel, are you going to talk about this, or are we going to be silent the whole shift?’ In response, Annabel took a huge bite of her sandwich. Tom shook his head, taking a swig of his take-away coffee. They were sitting in the ambulance, having their break whilst parked in the grounds of the local community centre.
It was pretty quiet today, most of the classes and groups already having taken place earlier in the day. She’d been to a few of them herself over the years. Baby massage classes with Aidan, helping out at the coffee mornings to raise funds for new equipment. She’d even taught a few first aid courses here, helping out the centre by donating her time and expertise. There was a lot of social inequality in the area, and Annabel had seen enough of it to know that real change happened right at the root. It had helped her, back when she was still managing being a new single mum and keeping her career going. The memory made her smile, but she turned it off quickly. Tom was still staring at her as if she were a zoo exhibit.
‘Stop staring, Tom, I’m fine. He’s an ex; I was bound to see him some time. They don’t go off and live on some remote island, you know. They do live on.’
‘More’s the pity,’ Tom added. ‘But this isn’t just some ex; this is Harry. He also lives in another country, so seeing him again is not like bumping into him at the supermarket. And he isn’t just some ex either; he’s the ex. Wanting to talk to you. Harry. You know, your childhood sweetheart Harry. The man who left you alone to live a luxurious life in the opulence of the Middle East Harry. The man who broke your—’
‘Trust in men—yeah, I got it. I don’t want to talk to him. Whatever he has to say won’t be good. He did me a favour, anyway. Jetting off to a dream paramedic job living in Dubai is all well and good, but I didn’t even have a job to go to over there; I was just following him to his. I might not have even found a job, and then where would I have been? Sitting alone in some fancy place on my own while he carved out a career? I wouldn’t have gone to work at the station or got my dream job with you guys. Looking back, it was all a huge gamble really. I didn’t have a firm plan, and I worked hard to be a paramedic. It all worked out for the best.’
Wow, Annabel, that almost sounded like you believe your own fibs. You would have followed that man to the ends of the earth, and you know it.
Tom gave her a long sideways look before taking a bite of his own lunch. In between mouthfuls, he kept on at her. ‘You would have landed a job in Dubai, and you know it. You’re amazing at what you do. Not to contradict you either, but you trusted one man, remember? Long enough to make Aidan anyway. You could do it again, and Aidan won’t be living at home for ever. You deserve to be happy, Annabel. Put the Harry thing to rest, finally. If he really is home to speak to you, hear him out.’
Annabel swallowed the piece of chicken from her wrap carefully before answering.
‘No, I don’t want to hear a word of what he has to say. And yes, I had a drunken one-night stand one time, after Harry left, and now I’m a single mum and—’ She raised her finger at him when he tried to cut in. ‘And I am happy with my lot. I don’t want Harry to know about my life, and I mean any part of my life. I have the house now, and Aidan to raise. I don’t need to see Harry to be reminded of that.’
He’d had his chance. Eight years ago, and six months ago. He’d failed both times. When she’d seen him at the airport he had full use of his limbs. He could quite easily have picked up the phone, or even a pen to send a blinking postcard. Leave me alone. Stop calling. I left you for someone else. I’m married. I’m the new James Bond. Anything would have been better than nothing, than wondering what it was about her that had made him fall out of love and leave her sobbing in the departure lounge while he strode away from her, ready to fly away to a flash new life.
She heard Tom sigh at the side of her, a sure sign that he was holding his tongue and resenting the notion. They’d been here many times over the years, but Tom had never crossed the line. He respected her wishes, even though he didn’t always agree with them.
She wound her window down, eager to feel the hot city sun on her face. ‘I’m happy, Tom. I promise. Hear that, universe?’ she half shouted out of the window. ‘I’m happy, thanks, you can send him back now!’
Tom chortled beside her. ‘Of course you are, you lunatic. But with your mum being...gone, and that big house to sort out, don’t you think it might be nice to have another pair of hands around the place? I know you’re used to looking after yourself by now, but it doesn’t mean you have to.’
Annabel ripped into her wrap again with gusto, the adrenalin and shocks of the morning making her feel ravenous.
‘My mum died when I was eighteen, Tom. Before I even started training. I’ve looked after myself for a long time now, and her for that matter. She was sick for a long time before the cancer finally took her. Besides, I have another pair of hands around the place. Abe’s been helping out at the weekends, keeping Aidan occupied, and I’ve got some contractors doing the bulk of the work.’ Tom raised his brows pointedly, and Annabel slapped her forehead when recognition hit. ‘Oh, no—Abe! Do you think he knows? About Harry being back?’
Tom shrugged. ‘I don’t know, but Abe’s his dad and he stopped talking to him too. Maybe Harry wants to make amends with more than just you. Do you think Abe would talk to him? Harry must be staying somewhere, right? Do you think he’d go to his dad’s?’
Annabel sank into her seat. She’d never even thought of that.
‘I don’t know. When Harry chose to be a paramedic and not train to be a GP, Abe took it badly. They fought for years, and when Harry told him we were both leaving for Dubai, they had a huge fight. Abe’s been my rock ever since, but Harry’s his flesh and blood. I wouldn’t want him to choose between his son and me. I’ll give him a call later, try and suss out if he knows anything,’ she said glumly.
Tom squeezed her shoulder. ‘Don’t worry; he’s probably just visiting. He’s got a life in Dubai, right? A job to go back to. Seeing him there at the airport was bad timing, sure, but he’s officially come with a purpose. I’m sure he’ll fly off again soon, once he’s said his piece.’
Looking out of the window, she felt her head nod, but inside all she could think was how the thought of Harry leaving London again gave her a punch in her gut that she wasn’t expecting to feel, and she knew that it wasn’t going to be that easy. Not at all. God, she wished her mother were still here, so she could talk to her. Ask her what she thought.
It wasn’t as if she hadn’t said plenty when she was alive. Her mother being taken by cancer had robbed her of all those conversations. Something told her that things weren’t going to be easy, and she felt a fresh wave of grief that she couldn’t run to her mother, the one person who knew everything about her and Harry growing up, and always supported her. Even though her comments sometimes had stung a little. That was mothers though; they always wanted the best for their babies, and had strong opinions when they didn’t agree with their offspring’s life decisions. Her mother had been no different, but she would give anything to have her here right now, even if it was just to give her a swift kick on the behind. She wondered again what her mother would have made of Harry leaving her like that. How much she would have loved Aidan and being a grandmother. She hoped that, wherever she was, she was proud of them both.
As they finished their lunch and greened up their console indicating their ability to take a shout, ready for the rest of the shift, she packed up the rubbish. And her emotions. It was time to be a paramedic again. She focused on that. The rest would have to wait. It would all just have to wait.
* * *
Harry could hear his heartbeat pulsate like a jungle drum in his ears as he walked away from the scene, from Annabel. She’d taken his breath away, standing there. She was just like he’d imagined, bar the scowl and tired eyes. The look on her face when she’d seen him. The way she’d shut down his attempts to talk. He’d played this moment over in his head so many times over the years. The fact that their first meeting had happened at the airport was awful. The place where he’d left her alone and jetted off to his new life.
He could still remember the confusion on her face that day. She’d met him at the airport, bags packed, all ready to come with him to their new life abroad. The look on her face when he told her he’d cancelled her plane ticket, that it wasn’t working out. That he wanted to go alone, and wanted her to stay back in London, start over without him. He’d known this girl since they were snot-nosed kids in primary school, playing tag and growing up together. They’d gone through school together, trained together; their parents had been friends. He’d thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with her, but it wasn’t to be and he’d ended up breaking her heart. The one thing he never thought he’d do. He’d been so excited and terrified to see her again, but seeing her there at the airport, tending to Frank, was the worst possible moment.
It was the last place he’d wanted to see her again. And he knew he would see her again and make her listen. He’d come this far, had waited so long to make his move, and he wasn’t about to stop now. He’d hidden long enough, and he hated himself for being such a coward for so long. The younger Harry who had left her had been like a scared little boy, reeling from his own problems and not wanting to drag her along with it. Not after everything she had already been through. He was the one who was supposed to bring her joy, not sorrow.
Looking back, he wondered whether that was the right decision. He’d questioned it every day since. People had tried to get in touch with him. His friends, his father, and Annabel. He’d never replied to a single one, had deleted the text messages as soon as they came through. He couldn’t bear to listen to the voicemails. They would only be full of anger and hurt anyway. The ones from Annabel he never read or listened to. He knew that if he heard her voice he would come undone and he just couldn’t do that. He’d chosen his path and, as hard as it was, he had thought it easier in the long run. On her, if not both of them.
Moving home after eight and a bit years was never going to be easy, but he’d come with a purpose. To finally right the wrongs of the past and put down roots. He’d not announced to anyone that he was coming, and when Frank fell to the floor on that shuttle bus he’d acted instinctively. It hadn’t even occurred to him that Annabel might be in the ambulance coming to help. And with Tom as her partner. You couldn’t make it up, how odd life was.
Tom was their friend, back in the old days. They’d all gone through training together. Tom had been cool towards him too, but he expected nothing else, and Harry could tell that his shock had given way to wanting to protect Annabel, and he couldn’t begrudge him for that. Tom was a good friend, and Harry had walked out on him too, in a way. Another person who’d called to check on him and got ignored. He’d dropped out of his life and never been back. Out of all their lives.
And now he had to go see his dad and tell him the good news. The prodigal son was home. Well, not home. He was going to book into a hotel. He wasn’t that stupid. Once he got settled, he’d find somewhere more permanent. The fight they’d had before he’d left for Dubai was the last time they’d seen each other face to face, and he steeled himself for looking his dad in the face again. Abe had told him he was a disappointment years ago, and he didn’t expect him to feel any differently now. Whatever Harry did to try to live his life and not hurt others, it never seemed to work out quite right. He hoped that now he was back in London he could break that curse. His thoughts led him to think of Annabel once more.
She’d looked at him as if he were a stranger. Less than a stranger. She’d looked at him with pure horror showing as plain as day on her features. He didn’t expect anything less, of course, especially given the setting of their reunion. Harry knew that must have been brutal, and it was all down to him. He wished he could have told her that, that he was sorry she’d seen him there. Another Annabel conversation to torture himself with. Great. As if he didn’t have enough of those already. Heading to the huts representing the numerous hire car companies, he steeled himself. London, Harrison Carter is coming home. I hope you’re ready for this one.
* * *
Annabel drove the ambulance back into the station. They’d finished on time for once, and she and Tom were eager to get on with the rest of their day. Well, Tom was looking forward to a hot shower and a cold drink in a fancy wine bar with Lloyd. Annabel was looking forward to catching up on paperwork before picking Aidan up from his friend Finn’s house. They’d had coding club after school, and then Finn’s mum, Teri, was taking them out for tea. Teri was a nurse and the two single women had soon worked out that since their boys were such good friends, they could trade off on the childcare from time to time. It worked out brilliantly, and they got on great at work too. It made the two women’s lives that much easier, and they always had each other’s backs at work too.
Annabel frowned to herself when she thought of picking Aidan up from hers that night. How many lies she would have to tell—how much she would have to conceal about her day. Suddenly thankful for the list of jobs that needed her attention, she started to grab her things and head indoors to her office. Being the lead paramedic was great; it was what she had planned for her career for so long, and the bump in money was pretty nice too. Since things with Harry and moving to Dubai had fallen apart, taking the job she’d been offered at her old hospital—but had turned down in favour of Dubai—had made perfect sense.
Abe, Harry’s dad, had held her together for the first few weeks, when she couldn’t bear to go straight back to her flat with her tail between her legs to stare at four walls and wail. Thank goodness she’d not sold it before the planned move, or she would have been homeless to boot. Abe had even called the hospital, let the others know what had happened, and that she was tragically single and available for work. Dumped at the airport. She’d rocked up, cases in hand at Heathrow, and instead she had been dumped.
I’m going alone. It’s not you, it’s me. It would never work out there. Smell you later.
Everyone knew she’d got dumped by Harry and left to rot in her old life. Not that she saw it that way now. Things happened for a reason, and she knew that better than most. What had happened after, having Aidan, had kept her hands pretty full. She loved her job, had friends, a new home. She had been doing just fine, or she thought she had till she’d looked at Harry again. Felt the pull of him right in the pit of her stomach, just as strongly as before. Now she was back to feeling tired and wanting to hide away.
Heading into the ambulance station, she nodded to a few of the staff and motioned towards her office with a smile and a nod when they offered her some supper. She knew she probably should eat something, but she also knew that she’d only end up ordering pizza once Aidan was asleep in bed. She’d have the energy for little else.
Wading through her inbox, she noticed a new staff member form. Of course—Tom’s replacement. They’d do a handover, and Tom would be gone. Off to pastures new, baby vomit and lack of sleep. If anyone could handle that, it was Tom. She was thrilled for both of them and couldn’t wait to meet the new arrivals. Even if the little ones, not yet born, were the reason that she was losing the best work partner she’d ever had. Well, the second best. The pair of them were on standby, adoption process all done. They were just waiting for the call that the mother had delivered and they were parents.
She pulled out the staff form and laughed to herself softly. She was seeing things now. Imagining her ex’s name in the square marked ‘Employee Name’.
Rubbing at her tired eyes, she looked again. Blinked a half dozen times. It wasn’t an optical illusion. A Mr Harrison Abraham Carter was due to start as her partner the very next day.
The words swam in front of her eyes as she slotted the pieces together. HR had hired a new paramedic, and they’d told her that he was a previous employee. She’d never connected the dots. She’d never ever imagined that Harrison would even be in the UK, let alone in their neck of the woods. She’d stayed hands off, not wanting to seem pushy to the new girls in HR. They chose well normally; she had a crack team. Damn it. She realised that there was no option now. He’d forced her hand. She needed to speak to Harry after all. She couldn’t let the dawn rise without at least a conversation. And what a conversation that was going to be.
Taking a moment to close the office door, she looked around first to see if she might be interrupted. She needed this to go well, with no distractions. Satisfied, she sat back down at her desk, took out her phone and looked for the number in her contacts. One she had called only once in the last few years, and never thought to be calling again. Not in her right mind, anyway.
Harry answered on the second ring, denying her any real opportunity to steel herself.
‘Hello,’ he said softly. She could hear the surprise in his voice. ‘I’m so glad you called.’
‘Hi,’ she said shakily. ‘It was you at the airport today then. I wasn’t sure I hadn’t had a small stroke and imagined the whole thing.’
He laughed, just once. ‘Yeah, it was me. I’m sorry it happened that way. I wanted to speak to you properly, but I know it wasn’t the best timing. How’s Frank?’
She rolled her eyes, biting the skin on the inside of her mouth at her own stupid remark. To his credit, he didn’t say anything else for a beat.
‘It wasn’t the best surprise,’ she offered. ‘He’s fine. He got discharged.’
‘That’s good to hear. I didn’t know you would be there though, truly. I was planning on telling you I was back in a better way.’
So he wasn’t denying it then, or trying to play it down. He was telling the truth at least. Still, the job news was still ringing in her head. She needed to get control of this, get out in front of it. Before she clapped eyes on him again. There would be no running tomorrow. That was his forte, not hers. She wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of seeing her squirm.
‘Well, I would have guessed, given that you’re due to start at the station tomorrow.’
Another pause.
He’s wriggling like a worm on a hook.
She felt mean for thinking it, but she had feelings. Who knew? She was having all the feelings and being tired and exhausted after work wasn’t helping. She needed to get this out. She needed to get off the phone, because even listening to his voice right now was too much. It was so much easier to pretend that she was over him when he wasn’t around. Having him around was torture.
‘It doesn’t matter anyway. We worked together before. I suppose we can again.’
‘I—’ he started to cut in, but she couldn’t let him. She’d lose the opportunity.
‘Let me finish. When you left, I was in a bit of a state. Nice job, by the way. Waiting till the airport to tell me. Just lovely, really.’
She heard Harry suck in a sharp breath, and she kept talking.
‘Five weeks after, I found out I was pregnant. I’d been on a few nights out with Tom and Lloyd, some of the nurses. I told them I’d had a one-night stand and—’
‘You slept with someone straight after I left?’ His voice was louder now, a tinge of anger running through his words. ‘Is that what you’re telling me? You got pregnant?’
‘Shut up, please! No, I haven’t slept with...anyone since you.’
Damn it. Don’t talk about that.
‘Not that it’s any business of yours what I did after you left, but the baby was yours, Harrison.’
‘Mine?’ he echoed, his voice softer now.
‘Yes. Is yours, in fact. My son, Aidan. He’s seven, he lives with me. People think he was the result of a one-night stand because I told them that’s what happened, but he’s yours.’
She sighed heavily, sitting back in her chair. She felt lighter, light-headed even. She’d spoken her truth. The only other person she’d told wasn’t here to tell her story. Her mother had taken that secret well, but telling a headstone was different from a living person. They couldn’t give an opinion, for one thing. She figured the people around her had their suspicions, but she’d always shut them down. It was too hard to even think about Harry, let alone have people pitying her for choosing to have the child of the man who’d left her in the dust. Or telling him that she was having his baby. He’d ignored her calls, every one of them, and she hadn’t called to tell him the baby news. Why should she? He’d gone and blocked them all.
She didn’t want to co-parent a child with someone who lived in another country. She’d never had a dad, and she didn’t want Aidan to grow up with a part-time dad. She’d protected her son. You couldn’t miss what you’d never had, she figured. Though it was getting harder now Aidan was getting older. The questions had already started with gusto, and it was just easier to continue with her story. That his dad was someone she didn’t have any contact with, that they didn’t need him in their lives.
At the other end of the phone there was a resounding silence. She could hear him breathe, so she carried on.
‘I just needed you to know, since you will probably meet him at work, or someone will say something, or mention him, so...that’s it. That’s why I called. Just so you had the facts.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
She closed her eyes, listening to the hurt in his voice.
‘What was I supposed to do, Harry, call you up and tell you? You left, remember? I tried for weeks to get you to talk to me. I called your work. They said you were unavailable; they wouldn’t even tell me anything about you. What was I supposed to do, ship him off every once in a while to Dubai to a man he didn’t know? I didn’t even know if you would want to be his father. For all I knew, you had a wife and kids out there. You chose to leave, and I didn’t want him not to have his father. I’ve had that myself, and it’s not a nice feeling. Better no father than one who doesn’t show up for his kid. We’ve done okay this far on our own. If you’d called me back, just once, I would have told you. But you didn’t, Harry, and I made peace with it.’
Another lie, she told herself. It was only her pride that had stopped her calling when Aidan was born, and Lord knows she had wanted to. Giving birth without him had felt so wrong. Every time Aidan had done something amazing she’d wanted to pick up the phone. When he took his first steps, said his first word. Dada. Oh, how she had cried at that. Her gorgeous, perfect little boy saying that word had broken her heart all over again. By then it had been too hard to call him. What could she say? Our secret son said his first word today?
‘I’m sorry, I wasn’t attacking you. It’s just...a lot. I didn’t expect this. We need to meet.’
Annabel was already shaking her head, before she remembered he couldn’t see her. Thank goodness he couldn’t, because she had silent tears rolling down her face and her hands were shaking.
‘I don’t think so,’ she said finally. ‘I don’t want to see you, Harry. You had your chance.’
* * *
Harry was sitting outside his father’s house, the hum of the hire car’s engine ringing in his ears. He was a father. A father. To a boy already half grown, no less.
A dad was something he had never thought he would be. Or could be. When he’d found a lump on his testicle a few weeks before Dubai, he’d known that the signs were bad. He’d been so tired lately, his health not what it was. He knew it was more than the intensity of the job, the stress of the planned move, and this was it—testicular cancer. When he’d burned his life back home to the ground and headed out to Dubai, determined to kick the cancer before getting Annabel back, he’d woken up that first morning in his new life with another lump to obsess over.
His new bosses had been amazing. He’d called to tell them he couldn’t take the job, what he was facing, and they’d not only protected his job, they’d told him to come anyway and be treated at their world class centre. The second lump was more bad news, and it had taken the best expertise of the team he was supposed to be working with to keep him alive, and it had cost him his fertility.
The cancer was the reason he’d left Annabel behind. He’d seen what a toll her mother’s cancer had taken on her and he couldn’t bear the thought of her being his carer, all alone in a new country without her friends, nursing him with a cancer that the oncology department at the hospital in London didn’t seem too optimistic about. He knew enough to know that the emergency scans they had done weren’t good. He’d had a choice: stay home with a father who he didn’t get on with, or go to his new life and fight to stay alive.
He’d been scared, but Annabel had been the deciding factor. He couldn’t put her through that. He was Harrison Carter, strong, self-assured, always the first to run to a call. He didn’t want Annabel to see him sick, or worse. She had been offered a job at the ambulance station where they’d trained. She was top of the class. She had a life to step into and he didn’t want to ruin that for her. She’d wanted this her whole life and she was so close to getting it.
So he’d broken her heart, told her it wasn’t working out, that he wanted to travel to Dubai on his own, and he’d left her there. Walking through the security gate, listening to her sob and call his name as he strode away from her. He didn’t even look back, because he didn’t want her to see his own tears.
As time had gone on and he’d found out he couldn’t have children, going home had seemed an impossibility. What could he offer her, after all? What if the cancer came back, or she wanted children? He didn’t want to derail her life all over again, so once more he’d chosen to protect her heart over his. Right then and there he knew he wouldn’t go back to London. He couldn’t get the all-clear and rock up at home with a ring. Not when it would only ever be the two of them. He knew that Annabel wanted children. They both did; they’d spoken of it often. An abstract vision for the future that they’d always assumed they would be able to fulfil when the time was right. Working abroad, saving up and seeing the world, then returning home to buy the house they’d always liked as kids and raising their little family.
Knowing that he would be returning home after so long with only the promise of the two of them together, he knew it wouldn’t be fair. He’d broken her heart once and he didn’t want to do it again. She could be happy with someone else, have the family she’d always wanted. He would just be a footnote in the story of her life. A bad, abandoning ex-boyfriend.
But now he knew that he should have come back all along. He should have flown home and fought harder. He was such a coward and look what it had cost them both. He’d ruined both their lives, and their son had been caught in the crossfire. Life was cruel but, thinking about Annabel’s news, all he could feel was happiness right now. He had a child with the love of his life. That was something he’d never imagined post cancer. Hearing that he’d left her pregnant was just too cruel a twist of fate to comprehend right now. He felt as if the universe was laughing at him.
‘I get why you don’t want to meet, but I have so many questions,’ he said eventually, his throat feeling dry. ‘Does he know about me?’
Annabel winced, stuttering a little. ‘No. I told him I’d just met his father the once. The same as I told everyone.’
Harry could feel the shock wash over him, his nerve-endings tingling. ‘You didn’t tell anyone the truth? I can’t believe it.’
‘No, and I don’t need your judgement. You’d just left, you weren’t talking to any of us. I made up a story. People were mad enough at you, and I couldn’t bear their judgement. I get that you’re mad but—’
‘No. Well, yes, I am, but...thank you.’
‘Thank you? What the hell for?’
He closed his eyes in frustration. ‘I just mean...thank you. I know that sounds stupid but thank you. I don’t deserve it, any of it. I’m so sorry I didn’t call. I’m sorry I put you in that position.’
‘I did it for me,’ Annabel said coldly. ‘And Aidan. I didn’t want him to know about you, that you left us both without a backward glance. You coming back has forced my hand.’
‘I know, but I don’t want to hurt you or him. That’s the last thing I want. Listen, can I meet him? I’d like to meet him. I’m just outside Dad’s at the minute, but—’
Abe... He had another conversation or twenty coming then. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to push. I just—How is he? How did you manage...?’ His voice trailed off. ‘Are you with anyone?’
She huffed out a breath. ‘Since I admitted I hadn’t slept with anyone since you left me for dust, barefoot and pregnant, I guess I don’t need to answer that. Meeting Aidan is another matter. I’ll need to think on it. I have to think about him. He’s gone through a lot recently.’
She sounded angry, guarded, and he couldn’t blame her. He wanted to reply but he was too busy trying to get his size ten foot out of his mouth. He needed the next words to be clear, and to come out right.
‘Annabel, I didn’t mean it like that. I guess I’m just adjusting. I do have things to tell you though, a lot of things. Can we meet—just us, I mean? Without Aidan.’ Just hearing him saying his name felt weird. ‘Aidan.’ He said it again. ‘I like his name.’
‘I don’t think we should. Listen, you’re working with me tomorrow; we’ll have a lot to get through.’ Harry heard a beep on the line, and Annabel spoke again. ‘I have to go, I have another call. It’s Aidan, I’m due to pick him up from his friend’s house. I should go.’
‘Wait...er...’ He didn’t know what he was going to say, but he had to get it out. ‘You don’t want me to see him, do you?’
Her hesitation made his heart stop. She didn’t want him to meet her son. Their son. He’d really screwed everything up.
You’re an idiot, Harry. What did you expect? The red carpet treatment? Two years of treatment and follow-ups, five years in remission, and almost a year to pack up his old life. All time away from his little family. All for nothing. He’d lost everything all over again. And more.
He held his breath, waiting for her next words.
‘No,’ she said eventually. ‘I didn’t tell you about Aidan expecting anything. You came back, so you needed the facts. That’s it. Nothing more. We have a life, Harry. One that doesn’t involve you. I told myself I would tell you the truth if I ever saw you again.’
* * *
She paused for a minute, trying and failing to keep her voice steady. She couldn’t let him in now; she just couldn’t bear the risk. She wouldn’t survive another Harry heartbreak. ‘You are my past, Harry, and I want you to stay that way. I’ll see you in the morning, ready to work.’
She could feel herself start to cry again, and she ended the call before he could respond. There, she’d done it. She’d been true to her son, and herself.
When Aidan had been born, Tom was her birth partner. Her friends had been there for the whole pregnancy. Abe had been the parent she needed. Her shock about the baby and disappointment at Harry had been tangible, and she’d kept her distance from the deeper conversations. They’d all just circled each other: Annabel broken-hearted, reeling from the news that she was expecting, Abe helping her where he could in practical terms. He’d even told the station that she was in a position to take the job. To their credit, they’d pulled together as a team through her maternity leave, and when she was ready the job was hers to step back into. As hard as that was, with a baby to raise and a career to keep on track.
She’d almost folded and told Abe the truth so many times. Aidan was his grandson after all. He had played the role since Aidan was a baby bump, but she’d never told him they were blood. With her friends and colleagues, it had been slightly easier. She hated pity and that would have been one big party. Annabel herself had never thought that way, not once she’d held Aidan in her arms in that hospital room. Tom had gone home to rest, and he and Lloyd were coming to collect her and the baby later that afternoon. She had the support, the friends, the family.
Abe had scooped her up that day at the airport and had been steadfastly on her side ever since. If he had been speaking to Harry, that would be a different matter. She wouldn’t have put Abe in that position, but they’d fallen out before Aidan left for Dubai. Abe was stubborn in many ways, and he had never hidden the fact that he’d wanted Harry to become a GP, take the practice on after his retirement.
She didn’t know if they’d ever spoken after those first few months of getting radio silence, and she knew never to ask. It wasn’t fair on Abe to do so. That was down to Harry too. He’d walked away from them all without a backwards glance. He’d never even told his friends.
When she’d looked at the newborn child in her arms, the child who looked so much like her now, she’d promised him that he would never be left behind. She’d promised herself that day in the maternity ward that if Harry ever surfaced again she would tell him about his son, but that would be it. He wouldn’t be given any opportunities to wreck the boy’s life as he had theirs. Not a chance. She knew what having a wayward father did to a child, she’d experienced it first-hand, and the toll it had taken on her mother. Aidan knew that his dad wasn’t around, that his mummy loved him very much. All true. Till now.
The questions would get harder as he grew, she knew, and they had, but that was the promise she’d made that day, and even though she’d questioned her decision many times over the years, she’d stuck to it. She wasn’t the one who didn’t know how to treat people, or to honour the promises she made. Aidan knew he had a father. He just didn’t know him. He was an abstract part of his life, and Annabel wasn’t about to confuse him by telling him the truth.
Harry was back to work tomorrow at the station and work they would. Hell, she’d been through worse times lately. Like the night she’d called Harry and begged him to come home, almost confessing her love for him still. He’d ruined that second chance too.