ANNABEL TOOK ANOTHER swig of her drink and gripped the phone tight. She was more than tiddly now, and she was grateful for the numb sensation it provided. She never would have got the courage to call otherwise. Her inhibitions were well and truly lowered.
‘Sometimes I despise you for leaving me here alone, to face all of this. When I’m tired, or on days like today. I needed you today, more than I ever have since you left. I really needed you and guess what, you weren’t there!’
She flicked her glass around her, gesturing wildly and splashing some of the contents down herself. Aidan had been given the all-clear after his fall in the school gym, and Tom was staying with him that night in the hospital to give her the night off before he came home. His head injury had been terrifying, but with the fear and worry, adrenalin had kicked in. Once Aidan was in the clear and was due home, all that had left Annabel and instead of relief she’d felt sad. And angry. Both aimed at Harry.
When Aidan had hit his head, it had crossed her mind that her son might die. She saw it all the time in her job. People took a little tumble and that was it. Lights out. Then she’d thought of Harry, miles away and utterly unaware that his son could have died. A son he didn’t even know about. Instead of getting showered and going straight to bed, she’d opened a bottle of something strong instead, and the swirl of guilt had wrapped itself around her mind again. He should be here to see his son. She’d picked up the phone and dialled his number. She had a lot to say, even if it was into a voicemail void.
‘Sometimes, you know, I have whole conversations with you in my head. I lie awake some nights, tearing a strip off you mentally. But what’s the point, eh? You never hear me. You won’t even get this. You probably didn’t get any of the messages we sent. I doubt you even kept your old number. I don’t even know why I bothered. Nostalgia, probably. It’s been a funny kind of week. An awful, scary week. If you do ever get this, Harry—’ Sigh. ‘Come home. Just come home. You’ve missed out on so much already. You’ll never know just how much. It could have been so different, you know? I—’ Even in her haze, she stopped herself short of telling him about Aidan. It wasn’t something she wanted to tell him in a message over the phone. The thought of never knowing whether he’d heard it would be too much for her to take and obsess over.
‘Just please...come home. I still lo—I want you to come home. I don’t want some phone call to say you’re sorry. It means nothing. Just...just get here. Be here for the people that need you, Harry.’
Clicking the off button with an unsteady hand, she pushed the phone away from her on the table. Even in her drunken state, she knew that she’d just dropped the ball. Or, more like, an epic clanger. She’d meant every word, but she’d never gone as far as actually telling him that. She had never let herself get that low, that weak before. She felt as if she’d just rolled over and showed him her soft underbelly. The same spot that she usually kept covered with her daily applied armour. She hated herself a little for it. Thank God she was too drunk to call him again and take it all back. She’d shown enough weakness for one day.
Sitting in her flat, she wondered to herself how things had got so bad. How the girl standing in that airport wouldn’t recognise the life she now had. And she couldn’t one hundred per cent attest to the fact that the old her would have done things differently. Now, after almost losing her son to a stupid slip at school, she couldn’t seem to be anything but mad. Mad that she was doing everything on her own. Dealing with the guilt she felt over her decision to keep the two people she cared about the most apart. Not all times were bad, after all. Many, if not most, of her happy memories pre-Aidan involved Harry, and Tom and some of the others on the team that had stuck around after qualifying.
She tortured herself wondering what Harry had been doing all this time. Was he even still in Dubai? For all she knew, he was married now. Had his own family to look after. How would Aidan fit into that? She didn’t want another mother helping to raise her child. It was another one of the reasons she’d never told him. The more time that passed, the harder it might be.
* * *
Harry heard Annabel end the call, the line clicking off in his ear as he stood in the night. His father’s house was right in front of him, his old estate car still sitting in the drive. Everything looked the same, if a little smaller. It felt smaller to him, but at this moment in time he didn’t trust his eyes. He was still reeling from the bombshell that Annabel had dropped on him.
I have a baby son. No, he was nearly eight years old now. Hardly a baby. There’d been no sign that Annabel was pregnant before he’d left for Dubai. He knew she was telling the truth, but it didn’t help him any. Now, instead of just feeling the shame and regret of walking out on his life, he also had to reconcile the fact that he’d missed out on meeting his son. Of course Annabel didn’t want him to meet him. Why would she? He’d done nothing in the last near decade that would give her any reason or inclination to do so.
He’d walked away to protect Annabel, and that had meant cutting everyone else off too. It had been the only way. And now he was cowering outside his father’s house, wondering what the hell he was going to walk into this time. What would his father say about this? He’d obviously kept his own call from Annabel too. Whether that was to protect her or his wayward son, he had no idea. He guessed he was about to find out.
Six months ago, he’d picked up the drunken message from Annabel. He’d been on shift, and when he checked his pocket and saw the missed call he could have wept. From fear or happiness, he didn’t know. Then panic had set in. She’d stopped calling years ago—why call now? When he saw she’d left a voicemail he’d rung his father straight away, not wanting to listen to the news that she must have been calling about. Bad news from home. That must have been why she’d called. Given the fact that they’d both grown up for the most part with one parent and no other family other than the one they’d made for themselves, it was easy to make the connection. She was obviously just passing on some unavoidable item of news. Why else would she be calling, right?
When his dad had answered he’d felt more than relief. He’d also felt a sudden longing deep within him, a feeling that if he could have clicked his fingers to be transported back home, he would have. When his surprised dad had rung off, seemingly believing his son when he’d said he just wanted to say hello, that he’d been thinking about him, the feeling hadn’t left him. He was healthy now. He was cancer free, all signed off. He’d built a life in Dubai. He had friends, even been on the odd date or two. It was a life but, hearing from the two ghosts from his past that still seemed to haunt him, he realised that he was done in Dubai. Infertility be damned. He wanted out. When he played the voicemail from Annabel, basically berating him for not being there, begging him to come home, he knew what he had to do. He’d called his dad back.
‘Hello?’
‘Hi, Dad. It’s me again. Listen, I lied just now. Annabel called me.’
He heard the television being turned down in the background, and his father spoke again.
‘Well, I didn’t think you just rang to say hello after all this time of ignoring us. What did she say?’
‘She told me off, basically.’
Abe chuckled. ‘Sounds about right. What else?’ he pressed.
‘Nothing. She told me to come home. She said I should be there for the people I left behind.’
‘She’s got a point, son. Took you a while. Did she sound okay?’
‘I think she might have been a little drunk, sad maybe. Everything okay back home?’
Abe sighed, a deep sigh that filled the silence between them. ‘She’s had better times, but it’s not for me to say. What are you going to do? It’s obviously rattled you. Are you okay?’
‘Yeah, I’m okay. I stayed in Dubai. I don’t know what to say. Is anything I say going to make up for what I did?’
‘With me? Ah, son, I’m just glad to hear you’re alive. You’re not asking about me, though. What are you going to do about Annabel?’
‘I’m going to listen to her, Dad. I’m going to get the next flight back.’
‘No son, that’s not a good idea. Not now. Not on impulse.’
‘What do you mean, not now?’
Another sigh. His dad was being cagey, and about a thousand scenarios ran through Harry’s mind.
‘Is she getting married or something, is that what this is? Is she sick?’ The big C word swam round his head. It had taken enough from their lives, but cancer didn’t care how many times it took a bite out of a family.
‘No, son, no. Nothing like that. Listen, you just dropping in for a flying visit is going to do more harm than good, believe me. I think you know that, if you’re honest with yourself. Have you thought this through? She rang you for weeks, Harry, after you left her like that. You put that girl through hell. One call from her now and you’re ready to come back. What’s happened?’
Harry bit the corner of his lip. ‘Nothing, Dad. Listen, back then...it was complicated. I was a different person. A stupid, scared and immature person. Don’t you want me to come home?’
‘I never wanted you to leave in the first place.’ There was a snap in his tone.
‘I know, Dad, I know that. Listen, can we not fight?’
Abe sighed. ‘I don’t want to fight, son. I regret that fight so much. I feel like I pushed you to go to Dubai, to get away from your old man.’ He sighed heavily. ‘I know I pushed you too hard, but it was only ever meant with love. Son, I want the best for you. And Annabel. You’re still working, right? I assume you have a contract?’
Harry gripped the phone tight, looking around the locker room he was standing in. ‘Yeah, I have a few months left on this one.’
‘Well, then. You have obligations. You can’t just up and leave. It’s not the best time. Let things calm down a while, okay?’
‘Dad, are you sure about this? Do I call her or what? Are you sure she’s okay?’
‘Yes, son, and I wouldn’t call her. It’s not the right time. Your first meeting can’t be on the phone. There’s too much to say. Trust me, I want to help you, but listen to me. Stay where you are. Let’s talk again soon, okay?’
Harry sighed, the adrenalin from the call leaving him. ‘Okay, Dad. Listen, I’d better go. I’m not finished on shift yet, and my break’s nearly over.’
‘Okay, son, you take care. Remember what I said. And Harry?’
‘Yeah, Dad?’
‘It’s really nice to hear your voice, son. Don’t leave it so long next time.’
Harry promised to call again soon, feeling homesick and torn in half with his emotions. This was why he’d never called before. Ignoring people’s existence didn’t make you want to hop on a flight home. Hearing his father’s voice, and Annabel’s, all in one night had torn down the defences he’d built up all these years. Denial and hiding were wonderful things, but it only took a small chink in the armour to show the cracks.
He’d stayed away for so many reasons, but he realised now he just had to take his shot. He had to go home, to put the past to bed if nothing else. He didn’t want to be an old man full of regrets. He’d done the deathbed revelations. When the treatment had made him weak and scared, all he’d wanted was his family around him. He didn’t want to be there again, years from now, with nothing but empty chairs around him.
The next day he gave notice on his job and made plans to come back to London. It was time. Annabel wanted him to come home, and he wanted to be there. He didn’t tell his dad. With his notice period, he figured enough dust would have settled. He couldn’t wait any more. He’d wasted enough time already. He had to take his shot, try to get the life he wanted back. He just didn’t know at the time what that would look like. Certainly not discovering that he was a father—something he’d long given up on. He had to face his father too, which was an ordeal in itself. He felt weighed down more than usual with the guilt of disappointing the people he loved the most.
He was still standing on his father’s front path when he saw the curtains start to twitch in the neighbouring properties. Abe still lived in the house connected to his GP practice and he ran the place like a small village surgery, not like one of the many larger health centres in the big smoke. He was all about the people, and the care he could give to them. He lived and breathed their little community and had meant to keep it in the family. With a reluctant and unwilling son, that was never going to happen. They had had an uneasy relationship for years before Harry left. Made even more awkward by him leaving as he had.
They’d not spoken since the call home, but he had emailed his dad a couple of times. Just to say hello, nothing about coming home. He didn’t want Abe to talk him out of it or tell Annabel. He had wanted to come home and see her for himself, but that had gone out of the window the second Frank Jessop had hit the deck.
Swallowing hard and trying not to look too suspicious to the neighbours, he started to walk up the path towards the main house. He was just about to knock when the door opened, and there was Abe. The two men eyed each other for a long moment and then Harry saw the handset in his father’s hand. Lifting the receiver to his ear, he smiled for the person on the phone as he spoke, but the look he fixed his son with didn’t convey any joy.
‘I’d better let you go, love. No, no....’ he placated the person on the phone, moving aside to allow his son to enter the house. The lamp in the hallway lit his way and Harry walked in, letting his father finish his conversation while he looked around the place. Abe didn’t exactly keep office hours; some of his patients rang him to discuss soap operas, or to ask about their latest health niggle. Abe’s door was always open. Ever the medical professional. Like father, like son in that respect, if not much else.
The house looked much the same. The decor had been changed, sure, but Abe’s knick-knacks were all still there. The stack of books on his side table, science fiction and medical journals, mostly. The TV was on in the corner, a soap opera paused on the screen; the mug of tea on the coffee table was still steaming. It seemed Abe had already been interrupted from his quiet evening.
He could hear his father speaking in hushed tones in the kitchen, but Harry didn’t try to listen. His attention had been distracted anyway, by a collection of photos that he hadn’t seen before, all framed and in pride of place on the mantelpiece above the old coal fire. Another thing Abe was known for. His reluctance for change outside the world of medicine was legendary. The man would lick a yoghurt pot clean rather than waste a drop, and he hated technology in the home. He also wasn’t one for photos, but his collection had grown by the looks of things.
Harry smiled to himself as he looked closer at the photo of the three of them on Brighton beach, years back when he was a young kid who’d dreamed of being a superhero in medical clothing. Abe, his mother and he were all huddled together, wrapped in a towel and wet from their dip in the sea. It was one of his favourite memories of his mother, of them together. Abe had been different back then too. Funnier, more at ease.
Perhaps Mum was the one that held us together too. Without her, we were both a bit lost.
He could hear Abe ending his call, talking about meeting up the next day.
Still just as committed.
Harry smiled to himself. Some things never changed. He went to put the photograph back on the mantelpiece and his gaze fell to the one sitting next to it. It was of Abe, holding a fishing rod and seemingly laughing his head off on the pier. A young boy was waggling a crab at him, no fear showing on his cute little face. It wasn’t an old photo, and the boy wasn’t him. They had done that over the years, but he didn’t recognise the boy. He looked familiar somehow.
A voice behind him almost made him drop the frame. ‘So, you came home then.’
Abe was standing in the doorway now, in his uniform of shirt and tie, the phone still in his hand. His expression was closed off, and he looked tired.
‘Yeah, I did. I thought I’d come say hello.’ He gave himself a moment. ‘I’m starting at the old station in the morning. Permanently.’
To his credit, Abe didn’t react. He didn’t drop the phone or ask fifty-five questions about what Harry had been doing for the best part of the last decade. Or why in the last six months he hadn’t bothered to mention that he was returning home. In fact, he didn’t say much at all. He just stood there, staring at Harry as though he were a mirage.
‘Nothing to say?’ Harry tried, feeling the familiar sting of rejection. He wasn’t a child any more, but it hurt that his relationship with his father was so stilted. With a pang, he realised that he had repeated the pattern, albeit unknowingly. His son was seven years old and he didn’t even know his father.
Harry felt his head drop, the long flight and the events of the day catching up with him. His dad walked right up to him and pulled him into a hug. Harry was shocked for a moment, but wrapped his arms around him and hugged him tight. Abe was clinging onto him tightly, patting his back as the two men held each other. Pulling away, his dad smiled at him.
‘I’m glad you’re back, son. I really am.’ He pulled him back in for another hug, and Harry felt the sting of tears.
‘Me too, Dad.’ Eventually, Abe released him, walking past him into the lounge. Instead of sitting back in his chair, he walked up to the liquor cabinet, putting the phone down and reaching for his best whisky. Harry didn’t move till his father was holding out a full crystal glass tumbler in his direction. They both sat down, Abe in his chair and Harry on the couch. As he sat back, he felt something stab him. Something sharp. Reaching behind him, he pulled out a plastic dinosaur. He laughed, putting it on the arm of the sofa.
‘Patients still coming in for a cuppa, eh? Someone’s missing a Velociraptor.’
Abe sat back in his chair, taking a deep sip of his drink before eyeing his son again. He nodded to the photo Harry had just been looking at.
‘It belongs to that little boy. He’s mad on dinosaurs.’ Another moment of awkward silence. ‘So, you’re staying for good? No fancy job to go back to?’
Harry felt like laughing as he considered his father’s words. If only he knew how fancy it hadn’t been at times. How he’d helped save lives in the sticky heat, after battling for his own life. It wasn’t all sand and opulence. He’d worked hard, saved up, kept a low profile. He’d stuck to the plan, to create a career. Spent many nights in his bed, thinking of the woman he’d left behind. Wishing she was there, sleeping beside him. Smiling at him over the breakfast table. Dragging him to see the sights on their days off. She’d been a ghost in Dubai, always following him wherever he went.
No other woman compared to her. In his mind, he’d never completely left her. He’d just walked away from everything else. With the job and his cancer, it had been all he could take. All he could focus on. He hadn’t wanted Annabel to deal with all that. He didn’t want her to derail her life and end up as a nursemaid to him. Looking back, he realised that he hadn’t been expecting to survive it. The thought of dying and leaving her out there all alone had seemed much worse than leaving her behind back then. Now it seemed, had he taken her with him, they would have been going through it with a pregnancy to worry about too.
He looked at the dinosaur on the edge of the couch, picking it up and running his thumbnail along its back.
‘Nope, I’m back for good.’
‘You got a place to live yet?’ Ever the pushy father.
‘No, Dad, not yet. I’m booked into one of the airport hotels till I find somewhere. It’s been a bit of a day.’ He turned the little brown figure around in his hand.
I wonder what Aidan likes to play with. I don’t know a thing about him. Will I ever?
Saying it had been a bit of a day was downplaying things, just a bit.
‘I bet it has. Too busy to call home first, give us a heads-up?’
Us? Who was that on the phone? Are the jungle drums already banging away?
‘You don’t need a hotel.’ Abe motioned in the direction of the staircase with the glass in his hand. The ice tinkled against the tumbler. ‘Your room’s right there. Cancel the reservation, stay here.’ He cleared his throat. ‘You should be close for work, you know. It’s fine, I have the room.’
He was trying to play it down now, but Harry was really touched by the sentiment. He kept fiddling with the dinosaur, his dad now pressing play on the television and settling back down in his chair. After the show had ended and they still hadn’t said anything, Harry decided to talk.
‘I came back because of Annabel’s call, Dad. She told me I’d ducked out of life for long enough, and she was right. I know you said it wasn’t good to come back then, but I waited. I worked my notice; I gave up my place. I’m back. I even got my old job back.’
Abe side-eyed him, his eyes narrowing to slits when he saw the little plastic toy in Harry’s hand. ‘Is that all you came back for? Don’t go breaking that either. It belongs to Aidan.’
Harry’s eyes snapped to his. His fist clenched around the dinosaur toy. ‘What did you just say?’
Abe sighed and, shaking his head at his son, he dropped his head. ‘Cut the crap, son. The dinosaur is Aidan’s. The boy in the photo is Annabel’s son. He calls me Granddad. Catch up.’ Before Harry could even try to retort, Abe had turned the television up again.
Harry looked at him, aghast. Looking from his father to the mantelpiece, he studied the photo. It was Annabel staring back at him. He could see it now. The little boy had her hair, her look. He stood and picked up the photo, looking at the others and seeing Aidan there too. The photos were all of Aidan. Aidan and his mum. Aidan and Abe. Aidan in his first school uniform.
He recognised Annabel’s flat in the background, the one she had once shared with her mother. It was all here, his life laid out. Somehow, Annabel had raised this child without him, without even telling anyone the truth. He felt a stirring of anger, but he knew deep down it was misplaced. How could he be mad at her after everything? He knew Annabel well enough to know that she would have made Aidan her priority. He couldn’t hate her for that. He loved her for it.
He wanted to shout at his dad though, for not calling him. He’d known all along, judging from the photographs. The similarities were obvious. Why hadn’t he picked up the phone? He had so many questions, but one shouted loudest in his head. Turning to his dad, he clenched his jaw.
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
Abe jumped at his words, and the television was swiftly turned off. Turning to look at him, his face determined now, he walked over to his son and embraced him in another hug. Harry being so much bigger than he, Abe chose to wrap his arms around Harry’s waist. He squeezed him tight.
‘Annabel never told me, but I knew. I’m not stupid, I did the math. We weren’t exactly on speaking terms, were we? She told everyone a story, and she had no one in her corner. I love that boy; Aidan is the best thing you ever did. It made losing you that bit more bearable, if I’m honest. I missed you, son. I regret so much of our time together. I’m so sorry I was so pushy. I should have been a better father, but being a grandfather is the best thing ever. I was there for him, and he knows about you. I’ve told him so many stories about you over the years. I wanted to tell you, but it wasn’t my decision. Can you forgive me?’
Harry looked at his dad, and nodded slowly. ‘I get it, Dad. I don’t like it, but I get it. How can I make any of this right?’
‘You ask that very question, son, you ask that very question.’ Patting him on the back like he used to when he was a boy, Abe gripped his hand tight. ‘Welcome home, son. We have some work to do.’
* * *
Annabel Sanders was a shadow of her former self the next morning as she walked into work. She’d barely got a wink of sleep, moving from side to side in the king-size bed she’d splurged on as a housewarming present to herself. Aidan’s room was finished, the first room she’d tackled as soon as she’d got the keys to her dream house. It wasn’t a shiny new-build on some labyrinth estate, but very much a fixer-upper. Maud, the old lady who’d lived there for many years, had passed the year before and with the life insurance her mother had left her and almost all her savings it was just about enough. She’d bought Elm House, the very house she’d walked and driven past growing up. The one she and Harry had once dreamed of buying together. That would be another awkward conversation.
I hope he doesn’t read anything into it. We are definitely done. We were done the minute he boarded that plane. So what if he still makes my stomach flip? That’s just chemistry. It will fizzle out.
She headed into Reception, using her key card to buzz through to the main ambulance station. As soon as she walked in she was switched on, all business. She ran the handover, the meeting room full of incoming staff, ready to work. It had been a quiet night all in all, but there had been reports of some gang-related tensions in the area. Often this meant injuries, RTAs. They liaised with the police regularly and kept their eyes and ears open.
She was just addressing the team on the issue when the door at the back of the room opened and in slid Harry. A couple of people looked to the door to see who had entered, and a few more did a double-take. One of the nurses, Purdie, was one of them and the glance she flashed Annabel almost made her garble her words. She kept it short and professional, eager to both get on with the calls and get out of the spotlight. She looked at Harry, and he was watching her. He had a small smile on his face and when their eyes locked she felt her mouth go dry. It felt as if her tongue had doubled in size. She took a breath and dismissed her team.
‘Let’s get out there, guys. Stay vigilant, and let’s have a good day.’ People were just starting to leave when she spoke again. ‘Carter.’ She addressed him by his surname, as their colleagues often did in work hours, as a quick shorthand, looking at him and acknowledging him. ‘You’re with me. Ambulance seventeen.’ She figured it was better to get off on the right foot. Show the people she worked with that Harry was just another staff member to her and she was still in control. Try to cut the gossip short before it engulfed her whole.
Harry pushed away from his leaning position against the wall, and it was then she noticed that he was in full uniform. She’d not even noticed it when he’d walked in; all she had focused on was his face. She swallowed down the wave of nostalgia as she kept her eyes on his. She couldn’t read him, and it irritated her. Even after all the years that had separated them, she’d always thought that she would be able to read him.
What is he thinking, after our conversation? Is he going to let it drop?
‘No problem, Sanders.’ He said it easily, fitting back into his old role as easily as she did hers for the onlookers around them, even though their locked eyes said differently to each other. The room was full, thick with murmurs. Neither of them heard any of them. They just stared at each other.
Is he trying to read me too?
She returned his curt nod, and then the moment was broken. He was gone.
What is it about that man? I can’t help but watch him leave. And wish he would come back.
People were on the move and he was swallowed by uniforms and the swish-swish of the doors. Annabel was still looking when they swished closed for the final time. With a sigh, she started to head out when she noticed Purdie was still in her seat. Purdie was the bones of this place, even more than Annabel was. She was one of the best, and she never missed a blessed trick. She’d run the admissions ward when she’d first started there and then the cancer ward floor, and her nurses all adored her. She covered A&E on her days off, attending the briefings when she was on her overtime shifts. They ran like a tight, happy little ship. If Purdie had been a mama bear, they would all have been her cubs. Whether they liked it or not.
Annabel kept an eye on the door, trying to stride purposefully across the room on jelly legs, but Purdie stopped her as soon as she was in reach.
‘Did you know he was coming?’ she asked, straight to the point as ever.
‘Did my shocked expression give me away?’
Purdie raised her dark eyebrows, reaching for Annabel’s hand and pulling her down in the seat next to her.
‘Thanks,’ Annabel replied, her voice dull and flat. ‘I think I’m about to keel over.’
‘He’s working here now, with you?’
Annabel could barely bring herself to nod. Her face felt numb, as if she couldn’t control her expression any more.
‘Well, I’ll be... Takes a lot to shock me, but...’ Purdie slapped her free hand on her thigh and covered her friend’s hand with hers. ‘Take a minute, catch your breath.’
The two women sat in silence, staring into space as they processed the news together.
‘He looks good though, right? That tan, that hair?’ She laughed a little, and Annabel snorted. ‘Oh, come on, even you can admit he looks well. It’s good to see. He’s been in Dubai this whole time?’
Another numb-faced nod. ‘I think so. Who knows?’
Purdie nodded. ‘He’s here alone?’ Her voice was delicate now, measured.
‘I don’t know that either.’ She hadn’t even thought about it, but the phone call came screaming back to her. ‘Yes, actually, I think he is.’
He came to talk to me, and I blindsided him with the news about Aidan. He didn’t exactly give the impression that he had a wife and kids in tow. That’s something to be grateful for. Because of how complicated things are, she lied to herself. Not that I care either way.
‘Not about the work then, eh? Well, that changes things.’
Annabel frowned. ‘How?’
Purdie put her arm around Annabel’s shoulder and drew her in. Annabel went willingly, resting her head on her friend’s shoulder. She smelled like Purdie always did. Comforting. Motherly.
‘Believe me, my girl, that boy is back with a purpose in that head of his. If he’s here alone, he’s come to find something, not leave it behind.’
‘He came for a job. Tom’s job.’
Purdie laughed louder this time, her whole body jiggling with mirth and making Annabel’s frazzled head bounce on her shoulder.
‘If you think that man came all this way just to work here, looking at you the way he just did, then I have a feeling that we’ll be having lots more conversations like these.’
Annabel groaned, burying her head further into the nurse’s shoulder, and Purdie’s deep, rich laughter filled the empty room once more.
‘Great, I can’t wait,’ she said sarcastically, and Purdie laughed again.
‘Things happen for a reason, child. I keep telling you that. You’ll see.’
Annabel had a feeling that whatever was going to happen, she wouldn’t really have a chance to avoid it anyway. What a pair they were, both ostriches with their heads in the hot Dubai sand. She needed a minute before she started her awkward day, cramped up in the ambulance with her old childhood sweetheart, the air thick between them like London smog.
‘I guess I will,’ she muttered, burying deeper into her friend’s embrace.
* * *
Sitting in the front of the ambulance with Harry felt like stepping into a time machine. She could smell his aftershave as she buckled herself in, and it took all her concentration to focus on putting on her seatbelt without giving away how much she was dreading their first shift back together. Her two worlds were starting to collide, and not only had she not seen it coming, she’d even pushed them together herself.
Telling Harry about Aidan was something she had tortured herself over for the longest time. Every time she saw Abe with Aidan, it was on the tip of her tongue to blurt out that Granddad wasn’t just an honorary title, especially after all the support Abe had shown her since Harry left. It was a blood connection too. If Aidan had looked like a mini Harry the decision would have been made for her, but with him taking after her in the looks department she’d continued to lie. For a while there, she’d almost believed her own version of events. A one-night stand with a man who had vaporised into thin air. It was half true, so she’d made peace with it. Now Harry was back, and she had a feeling he was about to open a can of worms.
Her own feelings aside, she needed Aidan to be okay through all this. She needed to protect her son. That was the driving force behind the lie in the first place. After the time off school recovering from his injury, and the house move, the last thing the poor lad deserved was to get to know a person who wouldn’t be around in a few months. She didn’t know why Harry had come back, and that was keeping her up at night too. It had been six months since that disastrous phone call. He’d hardly thrown some clothes into a case and raced to the airport after her call, had he? She’d tossed and turned, thinking about the awkward day that lay ahead, and spent hours staring at the ceiling, worrying if she’d done the right thing by coming clean.
Aidan had been his usual full-of-beans self this morning, and she’d caught herself comparing him with the new Harry. The tanned stranger who had turned her life upside down for the second time. She’d never told anyone the truth about Aidan’s parentage. She’d ridden out the stares and the whispered comments from those around her, judging her for sleeping with some stranger so soon after Harry had left. The obvious suspicions of those who knew her best. As her belly grew, more and more people asked questions, and she’d answered them all with a smile on her face. She knew the truth, and because people already blamed Harry for walking out she hadn’t wanted the pity or stupid comments around her son.
She guessed, deep down, she hadn’t wanted them to hate Harry any more either. Being in love with the man who’d left you pregnant and broken-hearted frankly sucked. She’d pitied herself enough; she didn’t need any more from the people around her.
She didn’t want to be that person ever again, feeling lost and out of control. It was directly at odds with her work persona. Over the years, the story had never changed from her lips, and gradually the questions stopped. Everyone at the station loved Aidan, and she was happy.
Am I? Today, I’m just not sure. I need sleep. That’s it. It’s the shock and the night of tossing the pillows on and off my bed.
She’d thought that Abe suspected something, back in those first few weeks when she did nothing but cry on his couch, her hormones making her heartbreak feel that much worse. He had never once asked about the father or told her that Aidan needed a father. He was the one person who had never shown anything but excitement and love for Aidan, and those things grew once Aidan was born. He had been a grandfather to Aidan from day one, and with him and her friends she’d muddled through those first sleep-deprived months, and had childcare backup when she went back to work. Once her friend Teri was on board, having just had her own son Finn, she had a little army of willing carers to enable her to navigate those first few years.
Annabel tried to shake off her strange mood, looking across at Harry. He was strapped in, his body turned away from her as he looked out of the window. He looked relaxed, his back against the seat, his hands in his lap. To anyone else, he would have looked positively serene, but Annabel still knew his tells. The hands on his lap weren’t still; he was tapping his fingers together, an old sign that he was feeling the tension.
* * *
Good, she thought, her old resentment waking her up. You should suffer, Harry.
Abe had an old saying; he’d told her it often over the years. What doesn’t kill you builds character. Well, she’d had enough character-building for one lifetime. She was happy, she’d made peace with the past, as much as you could when you got ghosted by the love of your life. She was happy, till the minute she’d set eyes on him. Now, everything seemed skewed, off-kilter. As if he’d come back from the dead and no one had batted an eyelid.
Even Tom had been quiet on the subject since. Although preparing to be new parents meant he and Lloyd were really busy. Her problems weren’t theirs, after all. Life went on. With her job, she knew how fragile life could be, how short and cruel sometimes too. She wished her mother were here to talk to. To talk about Harry coming back. She swallowed down the pain she felt and turned her mind back to the job.
‘Ready to green up?’ she asked, her finger on the button that told the station they were ready to take calls. ‘We have Hillingdon today but, given the nightshift, we might have to switch things around.’
Harry turned away from the window. His hands stilled in his lap. ‘I’m good to go. It might take me a minute to get acclimatised again, but I’m good.’
‘Anything you’re rusty on, just shout. I’ll be the lead today anyway.’
He pointed out of the window at the road beyond the car park. ‘Oh, it’s not the medicine, more the location. It might take me a second to navigate around the old place.’
Old place. Wow, that was like a bullet to the heart. Arrogant too. Not the old Harry.
‘Well, luckily, I still know the streets like the back of my hand.’ She pressed the button, pulling out of the station because she just couldn’t stand sitting there any longer. ‘And I don’t need a co-pilot.’
‘Ambulance seventeen, request for help, Hillingdon, on the estate.’
Annabel looked up to the sky when the address was read out. It was on the next street from her old flat, and she felt as if her dear old mum was messing with her from above. Their first meeting had been at the airport, and now this.
The patient was Phyllis, a new ambulance service regular. She was in early dementia; home care nurses came twice a day and her husband Jerry was well able to care for her. They only called for help when she fell, which was becoming more and more frequent as her condition worsened. Jerry couldn’t lift her on his own, and falls in the elderly could be much more serious than they first looked. Picking up the radio handset, she radioed back that they were en route and flicked on the sirens and lights.
As they were heading towards the estate Annabel’s new house loomed into view and she felt as if her heart might stop. The sold sign was still up out front, with no signs of life in the windows. The skip she’d hired for the building rubbish was sitting outside, half full. She saw Harry’s head whip back to look as they sped past.
‘The old house finally sold on, eh? Maud passed away? That’s sad. Bless her.’
‘Huh?’ She turned the next corner, nodding to a driver who gave way to let them through. ‘What house?’ She felt as if her ears were on fire with the effort of acting dumb. Her whole face felt flushed. Catching sight of herself in the side mirror as she checked the traffic, all she saw were her own panicked eyes staring back at her.
‘The house. From when we were kids—don’t you remember?’
‘Oh. Yeah, I remember. It might be better to concentrate on the job though.’
‘Gotcha. All business.’ He reached for the radio, telling the control desk that they had arrived at the address. As soon as she stopped the ambulance he was off into the back, pulling his kit on and grabbing the backboard. He didn’t even acknowledge her, just headed to the door to the flats.
A worried-looking Jerry led the duo into the hallway of the flat, where Phyllis was now sitting up, smiling at Annabel.
‘Hello!’ she said jovially, giving them all a little wave. ‘I can’t get up.’
Jerry stepped to the side but stayed close by.
‘I know, love. These are the paramedics, remember? They’ve come to help, and you remember Annabel.’ Once upon a time, before she became ill, Phyllis had run the local nursery which Aidan had attended. She always seemed to remember her, even now. It helped, and when the calls came in they were usually given to Annabel if possible. It was easy to scare an already confused person just by being a stranger, especially one in uniform carrying scary-looking equipment.
‘Annabel, how’s the little fella doing?’
Annabel was standing right next to Harry, their shoulders brushed up against each other in the narrow space. She felt his body go rigid against her. As her brain scrambled for the right thing to say, she found herself wanting to tell him something about Aidan.
‘He’s great, Phyllis. He’s loving his new bedroom and doing well at school. He says hello and sends his love.’
Phyllis beamed. ‘He’ll go far, that lad, I said, didn’t I, Jerry? Footie still going well too?’ Annabel was astonished at how good her memory was today. From Jerry’s face, she could tell she wasn’t the only one.
‘Yeah, he’s playing for the Hillingdon Wolves now, Under Eights.’
The same team his dad played for when they were kids. Harry had the chance to turn professional, but he’d chosen medicine.
‘Is that true?’ Harry whispered beside her, his nose tickling her ear accidentally as he leaned in. She couldn’t suppress the shudder that he evoked, but she recovered herself quickly.
Work, Annabel, work.
‘Yes,’ she whispered back to him. ‘I don’t lie.’
She moved closer to her patient, offering her hand.
‘Come on then, Phyllis, let’s get you sorted and off that floor.’
It was almost lunchtime when they finished their latest job and clocked off to eat. A woman had cut herself in her kitchen. A slip of the knife and she was now in the hospital getting stitched up for a minor cut. The poor woman was more upset about messing up her planned wedding anniversary dinner. Her husband couldn’t have cared less about the dinner; he had just arrived in A&E, suit crumpled, tie askew. He’d searched for her the second he’d walked through the doors and, seeing her, his face had relaxed and he’d dashed over, cursing the traffic that had kept him from her side and scooping her into his arms.
She and Harry had watched them for a little while, and then departed silently. Annabel had driven to the sandwich shop near the community centre, and they were now sitting in the car park, hot coffees in their hands, food in paper bags on their laps.
‘Annie, can we talk?’
She swallowed down her coffee rather gracefully, considering he’d spoken just as she was taking a mouthful of Americano.
‘It’s Annabel these days, and yes, we can talk.’
‘When I left, I—’
Annabel felt the blood leave her face. She couldn’t talk about that, not yet. She didn’t want to feel the sting of rejection again. Not till she had recovered from his return at least.
‘No, not about that. I thought you meant about Aidan, or the job.’ She risked looking at him now, and he was looking back at her. He looked wounded, and she hated herself for it.
‘It’s relevant to Aidan.’ His jaw flexed and he took a long time to take his next drink of coffee. ‘Why did you tell me about him if you don’t want to talk about anything?’
‘I didn’t say I wanted to talk about the past, that’s all. Can I not have a bit of time? I told you about Aidan because I always told myself if I saw you again, if you ever came back to London, I would tell you about him. You told me not to contact you, remember? You ignored me for weeks. You asked me to let you go. So I let go.’ She bit her lip, mad at herself for breaking her own ruddy rule.
‘You did contact me again though. Six months ago. You called me and told me to come home.’ Annabel’s sharp intake of breath caused his brow to furrow. ‘I handed in my notice, but it took time.’ He paused, as if to add something else, but shook his head as though dislodging the words from his throat. ‘I was on a lengthy contract by then. I came home as soon as I could, Annie. I want to talk, about all of this. I’m staying with Dad now. I’m not far away.’
The last remark sent Annabel’s eyebrows up to her hairline. ‘Abe’s letting you stay? Wow.’
Harry chuckled, but it died in his throat. ‘Yeah, I was a bit surprised too.’
‘He does know then.’ She spoke her thoughts out loud, not able to stop them. ‘About Aidan. He would have been straight on the phone if it was news to him.’
Harry nodded slowly. ‘Yeah, he knows. I didn’t tell him though. We spent half the night and his liquor cabinet last night talking about it.’
Annabel tried to speak but she felt as if someone had sat on her chest. ‘Oh, what a mess,’ was all she could croak out.
‘You okay?’
He placed his hand on her arm but as soon as his fingertips touched her clothing, she pulled away infinitesimally.
‘Is he...is he mad?’ she choked out. ‘I didn’t want to keep it from him, but it was just easier at the time. I always thought that he just kind of knew. He’s dealt with enough pregnant women to work out a due date.’
‘No, of course he isn’t. He loves being a granddad. He told me loads of stories about Aidan, when he was little. He could never be mad at you for giving him a grandchild. You should call him; he’s not mad at all. He’s pretty pleased, to be honest.’
‘He’s the best granddad,’ she said, smiling now at the thought. ‘Aidan adores him.’
Harry’s face softened and he reached for her hand this time. She moved it away, taking out a sandwich to cover her snub. Harry clenched his fist for a second, and then reached for his own lunch.
‘He knows why you did it. I understand too, though I don’t like it. I also hate the thought that you were with someone else, even if he was imaginary. Was there really never a guy?’
The look of relief on his face when she shook her head made her stomach flip.
Don’t start this game, missy. There’s too much at stake to let him play with your emotions. You can bet the farm that he didn’t spend his nights in bed, pining alone for the other half of himself.
‘I won’t ask the same about you,’ she countered.
Another flex of the jaw from him.
‘I had other things on my mind for a long time,’ was all he gave her. ‘And then I was busy with work. I went on a couple of dates, but it never came to anything. I wasn’t looking. When I got your call, all I could think about was finishing my contract and getting back here. I just didn’t expect this. I do want to see him though. I’ve seen photos of him at Dad’s. He looks just like you.’
Annabel smiled, as she always did when someone mentioned her boy.
‘Yeah, he does. He’s got your stubborn streak though.’ She laughed despite herself. It was so hard to be angry at him all the time. Just being around him made her head spin from annoyed to elated that this moment had come. She’d thought of telling him about Aidan so many times over the years, played the scenes out in her head. Not all of them were filled with recriminations and anger. Some ended with them running off into the sunset together.
He came back because I asked him to. The day our son was nearly lost.
‘Aidan had an accident at school. He fell off some gym equipment. It was pretty bad for a few days; he had a head injury, swelling on the brain. The day I called you, it was the day I found out he was going to be okay.’
His face fell, and this time his hand wrapped around hers with hesitation. She let him be.
‘He’s okay now though?’
Annabel nodded, shocked to see how pale Harry had gone.
‘Yes, he’s fine. Fully recovered, thanks to the guys at the hospital. It just made me think, that’s all. About if he’d died.’ She stopped and clenched her teeth to stop herself from crying. ‘I felt so guilty over the years, and I realised that he could have died without ever knowing about you, and you would never have known him.’
‘Dad never told me a thing; I guess it wasn’t his place. I’m so sorry, Annabel, that must have been awful. That’s why you called me?’
‘I’d had a little to drink. I guess I was a bit of a mess once the adrenalin wore off. I wanted you there.’ She pressed her lips together.
‘You wanted me there?’ he echoed. His grip on her hand tightened. ‘I’m sorry. It must have been hard. I wish I had been there. For all of it. I can’t imagine how scary it must have been for you.’
She looked across at Harry, and he was white, his face a picture of pain.
‘Hey, it’s okay. It was tough, but we got through it. I guess I had a bit of latent rage afterwards, and I had a drink or five when I got home—’
‘Rage?’
He was looking right at her now, his lips almost bloodless.
‘Yeah, you know. Life’s a cruel mistress, and I think I got mad. At myself more than anything. I couldn’t help him and I felt powerless. Even with everything we do in this job, I couldn’t do much but just be there.’
‘I bet that was more than enough for Aidan. It’s just what I would have wanted.’
She gave him a little smile and looked away. ‘I was just so glad he came through it. You’d never know it happened now, to look at him. It’s like a bad dream.’
* * *
She was downplaying it; he knew she would. He’d known as soon as he’d heard her voice on that voicemail that she was in pain, that something was wrong with his girl. He’d almost called her back so many times, but he knew a phone call just wouldn’t cut it, and for once he’d listened to his dad. He could tell she’d been drinking, and he didn’t want her to take those words back. He’d wanted to be in front of her, even if it was only for her to take it back and tell him to leave again. He needed to be there, explain things. The truth was, since being cancer-free and getting the all-clear, he’d just been...waiting. For what he didn’t know, until he’d got that call. Just hearing her voice told him to return home, and he wasn’t done yet.
Now just wasn’t the time to blindside her with a confession of his own. He couldn’t tell her now; he couldn’t risk shutting her down when she was finally starting to open up. He thought about the time when he was sick. When he’d wanted nothing more than her by his side, as selfish as he thought that notion was. Now, he saw that his actions had released her from caring for him, from derailing her life, but it had robbed them of so much time together. Time together that they might never have had. Still might never have, given her mistrust of him. The thought added another band of guilt around his heart. He’d believed he was setting her free to live her life, but he’d just missed out on being a family instead.
‘I’m sorry about not being there, and I understand the rage you felt.’
Cancer was a silent stealer of many, many things. It might not have taken his life, but it had changed it forever in so many ways.
He took another bite of his lunch, wanting to choose his words as best he could. ‘If I had known about Aidan, I would never have wanted to leave him. Leave either of you.’
‘I know,’ she retorted, surprising him. ‘That’s why I didn’t tell you when I found out. You wanted that new life, and I didn’t want to interfere with that. I want to listen to what you have to say, Harry, I just don’t have the strength quite yet. And I might get mad and punch you in the face. It would make it awkward at work.’ She flashed him a rueful grin, and his heart almost popped out of his chest.
Ah, Annie. You can never be mean for long. Not without feeling the need to cushion the blow. If someone robbed your purse in the street, you would find a way to give him a backstory. A reason why that person needed your money more than you did.
‘So you covered for me, had our child, looked after my dad, and then got mad at me years later after a Chardonnay?’
She looked at him for a long moment and then started to laugh. A slightly manic laugh that made Harry’s heart swell.
‘I missed that laugh.’
‘It was whisky, not some chick drink, and yeah, you missed a lot.’ The laughter stopped then, and her smile faded. She was already checking her watch, but Harry didn’t want the moment to pass.
‘I know I did, but I came back. I’m here for good now.’ He flashed her his very best Harry smile, the one that she never could resist. Till now, it seemed, judging from her unamused facial expression. ‘I know that we’re not in a good place, but I think with me being back we can—’
He wanted to keep talking, to tell her that he’d come back for her, unable to think about anything else since she’d called, but she was already shaking her head.
‘There is no “we”, Harry. I know I told you about Aidan, but I’m not about to uproot our lives for you when you might not even be here in a few months.’
‘The job’s permanent, Annie.’
She flinched at his use of her shortened name, but he kept going.
She is my Annie.
‘I came here to stay. I’m looking for a place. Hell, if I’d been here any sooner I would have bought our dream house. I’ve left Dubai for good, Annabel, and I do want to see Aidan. We have a lot to talk about. I’ll wait till you’re ready, but I mean what I say. I’m here. For good. For you both.’
She banged on the side window in frustration, and he fell silent. He’d pushed too far. He steeled himself for the punch in the face she’d joked about. Hell, he would take it if it meant getting closer to her.
‘I don’t think so, Harry. Can you imagine how upsetting it will be for him? I can’t do it to the poor boy. He doesn’t have much family; I can’t risk it. He’s still getting back into school, into his routine.’ She almost blurted out about the move but stopped herself just in time.
‘You don’t have to risk anything. I’m his dad; I would never hurt him.’
Annabel snorted, throwing the rest of her sandwich back into her bag and sanitising her hands. ‘You don’t even know him, Harry! He doesn’t know you’re his dad!’
‘Whose fault is that?’
‘Yours! You left me there like an idiot that day. What was I supposed to do—hop on a plane with a baby bump and surprise you?’
‘That would have been better than how I found out, yes, but no, I—’
‘This is pointless,’ she snapped at him, so hard she almost showed him her teeth like a cornered animal. ‘You don’t think I feel guilty enough, lying to everyone all this time? Lying to my son? Lunch is over anyway. You ready?’
Harry felt his eyes roll back in his head. ‘I don’t want to fall out.’
‘Really? Well, you could have fooled me, Harrison.’
Damn it. She full-named me again. A sure-fire sign that she’s mightily hacked off with me.
‘We have to work together and that’s hard enough, okay? I can’t deal with anything else right now. I have a lot on, and I don’t want Aidan upset.’
Harry stared straight ahead as she took the wrappers and walked out of the ambulance to put them in the nearby waste bin. She’d looked as if she wanted to take the door off with the slam she gave it, and he watched her as she stomped back over, her lips constantly moving. She was talking to herself, as she always used to when she was worked up. He knew this girl—this woman—so well, and being near her after all these years felt like torture. He just wanted to take her into his arms, tell her his truth. Not that he could now, not after the conversation they’d just shared. He could tell that reliving that memory had affected her, and he wanted to pick a better moment than when they’d just fought.
He’d give anything to see her light up again. Light up when she saw him. The smile she used to give him when he walked into a room never failed to floor him, make him want to thank his lucky stars that she loved him. Instead, she got back into the cab and, without even looking his way, she put them back on work duty. A call came in seconds later, and they were off. By the time the last call came in, any chance to restart their conversation seemed lost.
‘Ambulance seventeen, you’re the closest to this call. Woman, thirty-six, chest pains.’
Harry took down the details and Annabel threw on the sirens and lights and they raced to the scene.
‘Any history on this patient?’ Harry asked, building up the best picture they could before arriving on scene.
‘No, fit and healthy otherwise. The patient has been suffering stress of late and be aware she has an infant with her. No family to call.’
‘Got it,’ Harry replied. ‘Two minutes ETA.’
They pulled up outside the neat house, where a woman was sitting on the doorstep, slumped over, the front door behind her wide open. They could hear crying, and next to where the woman was sitting on the front step there was a pram which was moving from side to side with the exertions of the screaming baby inside.
‘Go!’ Annabel shouted the second they pulled up, turning off the engine and yanking the handbrake up. She and Harry ran to the patient, kit bags on their backs. Annabel ran straight to the woman, who was now unconscious and blue. ‘She’s not breathing, Harry!’ They laid the woman down on the hallway carpet, calling out to any occupants in the house, even though they knew she was alone, hoping that someone might just have come to the woman’s aid. The baby was screaming in the pram, and Annabel found no pulse. ‘She’s not breathing. I think it’s a heart attack.’ She checked the patient’s airway, loosening her clothing and supporting her head. ‘Starting CPR!’
Harry rushed to bring the pram indoors, the outside temperature dropping now. Checking at lightning speed, he ascertained that the baby was no more than six months old, was well looked after, just hungry and a little cold. He parked the pram at the bottom of the stairs and watched as Annabel pumped the mother’s chest. Checking for a pulse again, she shook her head. ‘Defibrillator!’
Harry ran to get what they needed, Annabel pulling off the clothing and getting ready to shock the patient. Harry updated the station on the patient, taking the baby in his arms to stop her crying. She snuggled into the warmth of his body, stopping crying almost immediately.
‘Come on, Diane,’ Annabel said to the woman as she got everything ready, her hands moving with precise speed. ‘Don’t you die in front of your beautiful daughter. Come on! Clear!’
She pressed the paddles to the woman’s chest, and her body jerked up with the movement. Annabel checked her pulse again, putting the paddles aside.
‘We have a pulse!’ Diane gasped for air, coughing and murmuring as she came to. ‘Diane, Diane, it’s okay. We’re from the ambulance service. We’re here to help; we need to get you to hospital.’ Harry had already laid the baby back down in the pram and was racing to get a stretcher. They hooked her up to monitor her heart, and Annabel made her lie back down when she tried to get up.
‘Izzy?’ she asked. ‘Where’s my Izzy?’
‘She’s right here,’ Harry said from behind her. They lifted her onto the stretcher and strapped her in, Harry picking up the baby and letting her mother see her. ‘Do you have milk in the changing bag?’ Diane nodded weakly, and Harry picked it up off the back of the pram. ‘Let’s get you both in. Do you have anyone who could look after the baby?’
Diane shook her head, crying now. Annabel gave her some pain medication, and she settled a little. ‘No,’ Diane said weakly. ‘My husband left me. He’s selling the house. He left me for someone else. I’ve been so stressed. What happened?’
Annabel took the woman’s hand in her gloved one, leaning in so Diane would stay settled. ‘We think you had a mild heart attack, Diane, but we have some of the best doctors in the country waiting to help you. We’ll take Izzy with us, okay?’ The woman nodded, crying again now. Checking the monitors, both paramedics were happy to see that her stats were coming back up. She was out of the woods for now, but they needed to act fast.
‘I just felt a bit ill. I thought it was heartburn. How did I have a heart attack?’
Harry, leading the stretcher out of the house, the baby quiet and settled in his arms, gave Diane a comforting smile while Annabel checked the house over quickly and locked up. She put the keys in the changing bag on Harry’s shoulder and within minutes they were heading off. Harry offered to drive, and Annabel was glad. She didn’t want to leave the poor woman alone. She’d grabbed the detachable car seat from the pram, and she strapped the baby into the seat in the back of the cab, wrapping a blanket around her. She was now starting to stir, reminded of her hungry belly.
‘Do you want to call your husband? Anyone?’
‘I only have Izzy. It was just the three of us. I thought it would always be that way. Don’t call him, please.’
Diane shook her head, and Annabel didn’t press the matter. Harry closed the doors, but not before he squeezed Annabel’s shoulder.
‘Good job there,’ he told her.
‘Back at you,’ she said, meaning every word. ‘Drive fast.’
Harry winked at her before he closed the doors, and she turned her attention back to the woman. They’d got there in time, but she knew that the image of the new mother, slumped and alone, the baby crying next to her, wouldn’t leave her for a long time. She had people, but once she locked her doors in the evening it was just her and Aidan. The thought of something happening to her was something she tried not to dwell on, but it was there just the same. Seeing Harry hold the baby girl in his strong arms hadn’t helped either. He’d never held Aidan like that, and she felt the pain of moments lost once more, and the crushing guilt of her decision. She’d taken things away from him too. Moments they would never get to have. They blue lighted it all the way to the hospital, and they didn’t leave till the social worker turned up to help with the baby. Diane was going to be fine, but she had a long hard road ahead and she would need help to get there.
When they both got back into the ambulance some time later, they sat for a moment.
‘I hope they’ll be okay. She looked terrified.’
‘She’s a new mum going through a lot already. Hopefully the dad will come through for her.’
Aidan’s jaw tightened, and she patted his leg. He reached for her hand and held it there, under his.
‘If you ever need me like that, you’d call, right?’
She looked across at him, his features shadowed in the fast fading light outside.
‘Of course,’ she replied. ‘It’s one of my biggest fears. Not being well enough to take care of him. If I needed you, I’d call.’
He lifted her hand to his mouth and kissed it once. The shivers that ran down her arm could have been from the cold of the evening, but she knew it was more than that.
‘Thank you,’ he said. ‘I’ll always be here. Let’s get signed off, eh? It’s been a day.’ He didn’t let go of her hand the whole time, and for once she didn’t object to his attentions.
* * *
They pulled into the station, sorted their jobs out and went in to clock off. Harry waved to some familiar faces, most of whom looked back at him open-mouthed. Word had spread about his return. He had expected as much.
Annabel went on ahead, her shoulders hunched. She’d probably seen the looks he was getting too. It was hardly likely to get her to let her guard down. He wanted to tell them all to mind their own business.
‘God, I wish they wouldn’t gawp,’ she said at the side of him, while his face set into an irritated scowl. ‘I’d better get my paperwork done.’ He watched her leave. He could almost hear her defences clanging back up into place. Looking back down the corridor, he made a point of staring the onlookers out. Most of them had the good sense to look away, scattering like autumn leaves in the wind. Spotting a friendly familiar face, he started to smile.
‘Purdie!’ he said out loud, loud enough for everyone to hear. ‘You are a sight for sore eyes.’
Purdie came running over, enveloping him in a perfume-soaked hug. Harry was taken aback for a second but wrapped his arms around his old friend. Their old friend.
‘So,’ she said when she finally released him. ‘Finally saw sense and came home, eh? Good to be back?’
Annabel’s office door slammed behind them, and the remaining onlookers moved on. Purdie raised a thick dark brow at him, nodding towards the door. ‘That well, eh?’ She pulled him in for another hug and as he leaned in she whispered in his ear, ‘Give her time, Harry; it’s been a bit of a year for her.’
He opened his mouth in shock. ‘How do you know what I’m thinking?’
Purdie slapped him on the arm as they pulled away from each other. She straightened his uniform like a proud mother hen. ‘I know you kids, remember? You’re made for each other. Just give her space.’
Harry pulled a face. ‘I sort of think that was the issue in the first place.’
He got another slap for that one.
‘I know, and you upset a lot of people around here, but some things just need to be done. I know you meant well. Life’s messy, Harrison Carter.’ She gave him her sternest look as she turned to go home, bag and coat in hand. ‘It’s time to clear up that mess, once and for all. You good, all healed?’ She said this more softly, and he frowned at her question. Purdie was one of the few people who knew about his earlier diagnosis—she’d been working in Oncology at the time.
Was he all healed? Physically, sure, but the heart took a little longer to mend. Especially when a huge piece of it was missing.
‘I’m good,’ he said eventually, and she left happy. Harry found himself alone in the corridor, staring at Annabel’s office door as though it was the entrance to heaven and he’d been hell-raising half his life. He could walk through that door right now, tell her the whole truth about why he’d left, convince her that he was here to stay. Make her believe him, that his running days were over for good. That finding out about Aidan had made him so happy, so utterly happy.
His childhood sweetheart had loved him enough, even after what he did, to raise his child and keep his name out of it. She could have done a million different things to strike back at him, and understandably so, but she hadn’t. She’d even looked after his dad when his own son had never really known how. He knew he didn’t deserve her, but he wanted her to look at him the way she used to. As if the sun and moon rose and fell with him. The way that he still looked at her. When she wasn’t looking, anyway.
He stopped in front of the door, his hand raised in a fist, ready to knock. He could hear her moving about inside; she was so close now, just at the other side of the wood. He wanted to tell her how he felt, why he’d left—everything. Earlier it hadn’t been the right moment, but he had to make one. He couldn’t keep it inside him any longer. He wanted her to know the real reason he’d left. That leaving had torn him apart just as much as it had her. He wanted to meet his son too, but he understood why she was reluctant to let him. He’d destroyed her life back then, and he couldn’t blame her for wanting to avoid that all over again. She was still there though, under her new tougher exterior. He knew she was still there; he just needed her to trust him again.
Pushing his hands into his pockets to stop himself from banging on the door and declaring his intentions, he summoned the energy to walk away. He needed her to see that he wasn’t going anywhere. He needed to prove to his family that he was back, and he wasn’t going anywhere again. Which reminded him; he had something to take care of himself. After he’d told his father about his cancer, Abe had implored him to get checked over now he was in the UK. Ever the GP, but he had a point. He needed to make sure he stayed well, so he could finally, after so long, claim his life back. He just hoped that Annabel would be interested in his plans. He couldn’t help but get the feeling that it might just be too late.
He had almost reached his rental car when his phone buzzed with a text. Annabel. His heart thudded loud and hard in his ears as he opened it up.
Aidan is due a visit to Abe’s. If you are there at seven tonight, you can meet him. My terms. He doesn’t know, and I want it kept that way, for now at least. You get one chance, Harry. Don’t blow it.
* * *
Harry didn’t even remember the drive home. When he walked into his dad’s house later that evening, his face flushed with happiness, arms filled with shopping bags, Abe just raised a brow at him from his easy chair.
* * *
‘You got a date?’ The television was on in the background, a steaming mug of tea by his side. It felt as if he’d just come home from school; the wave of nostalgia hit Harry as soon as he walked in.
‘Annabel said that I could meet Aidan, not as his dad yet, but still. I got a few things on the way home, snacks and a few games.’
Abe chuckled. ‘We have food, you know, and games.’ He looked as if he was enjoying all this.
‘I know, but I wanted to make an effort, you know. They’ll be here soon. What do you normally do?’
‘Well, we eat and watch a bit of television. If it’s nice we have a walk. Aidan generally takes the lead. He’s a good kid. You make that appointment yet?’ Their liquor cabinet talk had really been a bare-all for the two Carter men. His dad had cried and held his son close. It had thawed them a little, but now the doctor in him was getting bossy already.
‘Not yet, but I will, I promise. Time got away from me today. Dad, has Aidan never asked you if you were his real grandfather, or asked about his father?’
Abe looked away then, muttering something about changing the subject and asking silly questions, and Harry knew why. ‘I get it—I left. I just wondered, that’s all. I’ll just put all this away. Is Annabel staying too?’
He’d realised, walking around the aisles in the shop, that she hadn’t said in her text whether it was just Aidan who was visiting. That had sent him into a spiral as he’d considered where she could be going. A date, maybe? He didn’t dwell on that for too long; he didn’t want to think about another man raising his son or loving his girl. She’d given no indication that she even was dating. He knew he had no real rights here, but the second Annabel had told him about their son, before even, he hadn’t been able to stop the fire he felt inside him. The same fire he’d felt when he’d received that voicemail. He just needed to find a way to stoke the embers in Annabel’s heart. If enough still remained. He’d told her he’d been on a few dates, which was true, but he wanted her to know that no one had measured up to her. Not that he’d been looking. He’d always just felt as if he was hers, in a weird way.
‘Nope,’ Abe said easily, his focus already back on his TV show. ‘She’s got a lot of work to do at the house.’
‘The house?’ Aidan checked. ‘You mean her mum’s old place?’
Abe looked over the top of his glasses at his son.
‘No. She bought the dream house, Harry. You two really need to talk.’
Harry remembered them passing that house today, seeing the sold sign out front. Another cog clicked into place. She’d brushed him off when he’d spoken about it. He’d assumed it was too painful to think of. He realised now she’d been avoiding the truth.
‘She never said.’
Abe’s glasses bumped up his nose, taken along for the ride by his raised brows.
‘I wonder why. Not exactly an open book these days, is she? It’s a bit of a shack, to be honest; she has her work cut out for her. Especially working full-time, and with Aidan. But that’s Annabel, right? She’s never shied away from anything.’
Harry’s shoulders slumped and he headed to the kitchen to get ready for Aidan’s arrival. ‘I get it, Dad,’ he said half to himself, half to the occupant of the other room. ‘She’s amazing and I screwed up. I get it.’ He pulled out one of the board games he’d bought, one he’d enjoyed as a kid. ‘I don’t have a clue what I’m doing. I’m not a father. You don’t need to fill me in. I’m all up to speed on my failings.’
‘I didn’t mean it like that. Don’t be such a prickly pear. I get why you left now, you know that. You think I had it all figured out when you came along?’ Abe was in the kitchen doorway now, and Harry sat down on one of the breakfast bar stools. He felt so damn tired. ‘When your mum passed, I had no clue. I regret a lot of things, son, but never you. I don’t always understand you, but I know you loved Annabel back then.’ He walked over, patting Harry’s hand as he took a seat. ‘And now, I’m betting. She hasn’t exactly been busy on the man front either, not for lack of her friends trying over the years. Don’t beat yourself up for not being a father. You didn’t know, and you can’t be mad at Annabel for that either. You’re a brand-new dad. It’s up to you now what sort of father you are.’
‘I’m not mad at her.’ Harry felt the need to defend Annabel even now. ‘I left you all. She did what she thought was best.’ He thought of how he might have taken the news if she had called back then. He’d been living in another country, not working at saving lives but fighting for his own. He wouldn’t have been much help, and knowing his family were so far away would have killed him harder than the cancer wanted to. He’d won that battle, and now he needed to fight for his life once more. The one he’d never wanted to leave behind in the first place. He just had even more to fight for than he’d thought, and it made him all the more determined to do it.
Abe nodded in agreement. ‘She did, and keeping that secret cost her a lot. You know how people talk. They love a bit of dirty laundry, a juicy bit of gossip. She tarnished her own reputation a little, so as not to take any more shine off yours. She’s loyal to a fault. If you really want her back, son, you need to prove it to her. And Aidan.’
‘No pressure then.’
Abe laughed, patting his hand again. ‘You can do it, Harry. I’ll help.’ Reaching his arm across, he hugged his son to him and dropped a kiss on the top of his head. ‘I’m glad you came home.’
Harry hugged his father to him, marvelling at the change in him. Maybe time and distance, along with the truth, had healed some of their old niggles. An ointment on old wounds.
‘Me too, Dad,’ Harry said honestly. ‘Me too. Let’s get ready for the little guy.’