KATE: Thursday afternoon,
four days after the split
Kate tries to hold on to her good mood as she lets herself in through the front door, but there is something about the air in the hallway that seems heavy and solid. It gets in her nose and mouth and makes it hard to breathe. She feels the glow she has been carrying with her fade away until there is nothing left.
She used to love her house, but now when she comes in her chest gets tighter and there’s a dull ache in the pit of her stomach.
She hangs up her coat on a hook in the hall and bends down to line up Ben’s trainers, which he has kicked off across the hallway. She normally likes this half-hour on a Thursday between her getting home from her job on the reception desk at the health clinic and the kids arriving back late from football and drama. It’s a time when she can relax and make a cup of tea and enjoy a few moments of calm. But today she feels as if ants are crawling around inside her and she can’t settle.
The feeling is worse when she goes into the living room, like something prickling on the skin at the back of her neck. There is something about the room that isn’t right. But she can’t work out what it is.
She sinks down into the soft cushions of the sofa and allows herself to think about Tom. How he looked at her when she snatched a couple of hours to go and meet him last night. She told the kids she was going to the gym. Afterwards, Amy looked at her long and hard and said, ‘Since when do you wear make-up to go to the gym?’
Kate thinks about how gentle Tom is. How kind. How he gave money to the Big Issue seller and stopped to have a chat.
Jack never gives money to people on the streets. He says they will either smoke it or drink it. Tom says if he was sleeping rough, he might well take up drinking and drugs, too.
Tom has dark hair that curls over his shirt collar. Sometimes he tries to flatten it down with gel but it always springs up by the end of the night. He has a long, thin nose that looks like someone pinched it at the end. He has green eyes, and Kate pretends to be annoyed that his lashes are longer than her own.
There is a sound by the door and Kate jumps, but it is just Sid slinking in with his tail held up high behind him.
‘You scared me, Sidney,’ says Kate, stroking the huge tabby.
Sid purrs and leaps up on to Kate’s lap, knocking a GCSE Science text book off the coffee table. Now Kate sees what is not right about the room. When she left this morning the book was on the floor where Ben had dropped it. She had been in too much of a rush to clear it up. She remembers feeling cross about how little help Ben was giving her around the house.
He must have come back at lunchtime and tidied up. Maybe he is finally learning.
A sharp knock on the front door startles her, until she remembers that Mel said she would call in on her way home from work.
As ever, her best friend blows in like a tornado, flinging her arms around Kate and almost knocking her off her feet.
‘Tell me everything,’ Mel says, her pale blue eyes wide in her round face.
They head into the kitchen. Suddenly, Kate feels much better. Lighter. Mel wants to smoke so they step outside into the back garden. Kate tells Mel about meeting Tom the night before. What they said. What they did. It is late afternoon and Kate raises her face to catch the last rays of the weak spring sun on her skin. She feels her good mood return.
‘Good for you, hun,’ says Mel. ‘You have earned this. You haven’t been happy for years.’
‘Exactly,’ says Kate. ‘I can’t tell you how hard I worked at being married, Mel. I gave Jack so many chances to put things right. But you know what he’s like. He never listens. Just talks over you. And he always has to control everything. I tried and tried, but one day I just snapped.
‘I was in here, preparing dinner and listening to music, and he walked in and turned it off. Just like that. Without even saying anything. I stood totally still for a moment, thinking, In a minute, I will carry on as normal. But then it was like a light going on in my brain, and I thought, Enough now. I’ve had enough. And I said, “I want a divorce.”’
Mel nods over the top of her teacup and Kate feels something inside her grow looser, something she wasn’t even aware had been clenched. It is so good to see Mel here. She avoids the house if she knows Jack is going to be around.
‘I’m so proud of you,’ Mel tells her. ‘I know what a temper Jack has. It must have been scary to stand up to him like that. How is he taking everything?’
Kate shrugs.
‘It’s weird. He is so calm. I keep waiting for him to blow up like he did when I first told him, but he hasn’t. He doesn’t say anything at all. It freaks me out, if I’m honest.’
‘Better than him ranting and raving,’ says Mel. ‘It must be strange, though, living in limbo like this. When is he moving into his own place?’
‘I don’t know. We keep out of each other’s way. His stuff is here but he is usually out at work or staying with friends.’
‘And how are the kids taking it?’
‘Oh, they are angry with me. And hurt. Amy is not sleeping and hearing noises in the night. Ben tries to wind me up. Nicking food from the fridge. Being rude.’
‘They will get over it.’
‘I just wish I could fast-forward six months and this bit would all be over with,’ says Kate. ‘We are going to counselling tonight. Me and Jack. I am dreading it.’
Mel frowns. ‘I don’t get it. You and Jack have split up now. So why are you still going to counselling?’
‘I wanted to stop,’ says Kate. ‘But Julie, the counsellor, thinks it will help make the breakup smoother. And Jack wants us to carry on going. I think he thinks I will change my mind.’
‘Will you tell him about …?’
Kate scrunches up her features, pulling her chin right back into her neck.
‘Course not. Do I look crazy?’
‘Yes, when you’re making that face!’
As their laughter tails off, Mel looks serious for once.
‘Just be careful, hun. OK?’
Kate nods, but fear, like the tip of an ice-cold finger, is running down her spine.