Chapter 11

She should be used to this by now. Audrey, the favored sister. Beautiful, bright Audrey with the world dangling in her hand.

Once, on Grace’s thirteenth birthday, her aunt had given her a beautiful cameo pin. She’d always admired the brooch and had been delighted that her aunt deemed her grown up enough to possess such finery. She dreamed of passing it along someday to her own daughter or niece. Yet the moment their aunt was out of sight, Audrey had thrown a fit. Insisted that as the eldest Whittaker daughter, the brooch belonged to her. To keep the peace, Grace relented and gave her sister the cameo. Then she’d gone to the barn, curled up in the haymow, and sobbed her heart out.

Six years later, here she was again. Crying her heart out in a haymow because of what her sister had stolen. A different, but greater loss. One that stabbed at her like a spike. Driving deeper, deeper, deeper.

Would she ever have anything of her own? Something dear to her that would never be stolen? Perhaps she wasn’t worth it. Perhaps, like a pair of worn-out boots, she was only good enough for the rubbish heap. A castoff. There to clean up messes and make life smoother for those better than she.

She swallowed back a sob. All she ever wanted was to be special to someone. Anyone. She strove for it in school, with her friends, her father. Even Raymond. She’d always believed her happiness lay in the way others perceived her. When they looked favorably upon her, she looked favorably upon herself. But when they scolded or ignored her, she felt worse than the ashes in the coal scuttle.

“For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.”

Like a warm wind on a cloudy day, the verse swept through her mind. She’d always thought it applied only to babies, but suddenly it took on new meaning. She’d been fearfully and wonderfully made as an infant, and she was still. God had designed each of her days before they’d ever taken place. He loved her for who she was, not compared to those around her. He didn’t play favorites. He simply cared for her. Cherished her. Valued her.

Fresh tears filled her eyes. Even if Raymond chose Audrey and she never saw him again, God would still be there. Like a careful Father watching over his little girl, He never left her. Every moment in her marriage to Raymond He’d been there. Helping her through those first awkward days, giving her the strength to save a man’s life. Beside her as Raymond won her heart. Even today as Audrey had destroyed her future.

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you. And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.”

Perhaps this was why she lacked peace. Though she attended church week after week and read her Bible diligently, she’d expended her energy seeking the approval of others, instead of God’s. Why had she been so foolish? Pursuing what would never last and forsaking what would never leave.

“Lord, I’m sorry. I’ve desired other things more than You. The approval of others, the love of a husband. When all I should have been seeking is You. Please forgive me. Make Yourself real to me. I want to be Your daughter and to live like it, not just on Sunday but on Monday through Saturday, too. Help me to trust You, whatever happens to Raymond and me. If it is Your will that we go our separate ways, help me to accept that and to trust You for whatever comes next. Amen.”

Sobs shook her shoulders, and she covered her face with her hands. God might deem it best to take Raymond away forever. Perhaps she loved him too much. Whatever He decided, she would accept. Like a true daughter, she would bend to her Father’s will. Trust Him for whatever came.

Raymond’s face rose before her mind. His mesmerizing eyes with their magnetic twinkle. His grin. The way his arms had felt, clasped tight around her waist.

“Lord, if I can’t have him, then take my feelings away, too. Because if he chooses Audrey over me, I don’t know how I’ll ever face the heartbreak.”