It was indeed cold when they stepped out onto the deck. The sky was bright blue with scattered clouds, and the water mirrored its brilliance with foamy white caps on each wave. The wind whistled and snapped against the rigging and sails. Men worked here and there, some even walking on single ropes with only another single rope to hold onto for balance. Olivia tried to look everywhere at once as Colton led her to the quarterdeck by her elbow.
“I've never seen such a sight,” she said with awe.
“I suppose it can be rather intriguing if one is not used to it.” Colton felt oddly bashful. She was genuinely enraptured by the activity around her, and it pleased him. This was his world, and although he loved it, he knew that others with exceedingly high insteps would look down upon it. But Olivia didn't, her heart was too pure for that.
He guided her up the stairs slowly, her eyes were everywhere but on her own footing, and he bit back a smile. Reaching the quarterdeck where Smith was at the wheel, he pulled her to the railing, looking over the main deck and the expanse of water in front of them. “From here you can see everything. This is my second favorite place to stand.”
“What's your first?” she asked and smiled at him.
He let himself bask in her smile for only a second then he pointed up. “The crow’s nest.”
Olivia's eyes followed his finger. “Oh...when can I go up there?”
“Never.” Colton laughed.
Olivia turned back to him. “Why not? You know I am exceptional at climbing trees. I am just as capable of reaching that box or whatever it is you called it.”
Colton continued to chuckle. “When was the last time you climbed a tree, Livie? Ropes are not the same as tree limbs.
Olivia sighed in exasperation. “Why must every one treat me like a piece of glass? If I wore breeches, I could do it just as well as you.”
“You will have to do so in your dreams. I better be cold in my grave before I see you set foot on the ropes. I don't have to make that an official order, do I?”
Olivia scoffed. “You can't order me about.”
“The hell I can't. This is my ship. Here I am lord and master.”
Olivia wanted to snap back at him, but she bit her tongue. Instead, she had a better idea. She stepped closer to him. “As you wish, my lord and master,” she said seductively, and then she sauntered over to the side of the deck and pretended to stare avidly at the splash of water against the side.
Colton was speechless. He didn't think Olivia had a wicked bone in her body, and yet her words had struck a specific cord, one that resonated all the way to his groin. He could hear Smith faking a cough at the wheel behind him. “Something wrong with your throat, Smith?” he barked.
“No, Cap'n.”
Colton narrowed his eyes at the scamp. “Go get some water for yourself.”
“Yes, Cap'n.”
“Is he ill?” Olivia said innocently from the railing.
“No.” Colton took over the helm as Smith retreated, no doubt to share a story with the rest of the crew. Perfect. Rumors would run rampant below decks, and all at Colton’s expense. He would have to have Timms keep them in line. He would not have his crewmen besmirching Olivia's good name. She didn't deserve that, but she did deserve a taste of her own medicine.
“Come here, Olivia.”
She looked at him warily. Good, but he softened his tone to a friendlier octave. “You can't climb to the crow’s nest, but I will let you steer the ship.”
Her eyes widened with excitement and she hurried over. “Really?”
“Yes.” He smiled at her excitement and moved so she could stand before him. “Put your hands here and here.” He folded his hands around hers and showed her. The wheel was huge in comparison to her small frame, and she could barely keep hold of it. He stepped closer behind her bringing his chest to her back, keeping his hands on hers. Depending on the mood of the sea, manning the wheel could require significant strength. “See these notches on the center handle? That is so the quartermaster can feel them at night and know where the center is. If this handle is dead center then that means the rudder is straight. The rudder is what steers the ship. If we turn the wheel starboard it turns the ship to port.”
“To the right is starboard and the left is port?”
“Correct.”
“How odd. To go left you turn the wheel right?”
Colton chuckled.
“The nautical terms are starboard and port, but yes.” He resumed their previous direction and held silent. She stood before him as still as a statue, except that he could feel the expansion and contraction of each breath. They had never stood this close for this long before. It was an entirely new experience, and it taunted the baser intentions he kept firmly leashed. If this were any other woman, he would have no trouble initiating flirtation, but this was Olivia. Olivia was his north star, an untouchable celestial being that remained far out of his reach but always in his heart. He didn't know how to flirt with her. He had never allowed himself to cross that line. So what was he doing now? He didn't know. He was so far out of his element with her, here on his ship, that he was grasping for direction. She had befuddled him with her sultry words and incited a dangerous side of him, a side that might act before thinking.
She leaned back against him and sighed. She seemed content to stay exactly where she was, pressed up against him. Her hands were relaxed beneath his, and she showed no indication of pulling them away.
“The sea is peaceful,” she remarked.
“She has temperaments, but yes, right now it's perfect.” He bit his tongue. He hoped that didn't sound like encouragement. The last thing he wanted to do was encourage more flirtation between them. He needed her to remain oblivious of him as a man so he could remain in control. Even as innocent as her actions may be now, he was already enjoying the feel of her body far too much.
“Pishhh. Just like a man to give female attributes to something simply because he cannot control it. Not that I agree with the notion that women are temperamental, only that men think such things.”
He chuckled again. “That rings true, though I shouldn't admit it.”
She looked at him over her shoulder and smiled. He looked down to smile at her in return and was struck by the urge to kiss her. She was in the perfect position, her face at the perfect angle for him to dip his head and taste heaven. He shook it off. He would have stepped back, but he could feel the pull of the wheel and could not let go. He could see awareness in her eyes, so he looked out over the water and pretended, as he always did, that he was immune to her. She looked away as well, and he felt her sigh again.
“What is it like when there is a storm? I've read stories but I can't imagine what it must be like. The ship is large, but in comparison to the expanse of water it feels rather...vulnerable.”
“Aye, that it does.”
Olivia giggled.
“What is it, minx?” Colton smiled behind her. He was beginning to relax with her in his arms, and it was a novel sensation.
“I've never heard you say ‘aye’ before.”
Colton snorted. “I'm a different man out here than I am at home. I must act the gentleman when I am visiting with you and your family. I may not be of noble birth, but I can certainly behave appropriately.”
“I prefer the sea captain in you.” Olivia smiled wistfully. “It is rather tiring to be appropriate all the time. You may be yourself when you're alone with me. Devon, I'm sure, enjoys your salty side. Why can't I?”
Colton groaned. “That is...”
“What?”
She surprised him by slipping her hands out from under his and turning in his arms. She linked her hands behind his back and looked up at him.
“What are you doing?” he said with obvious alarm.
“I'm holding on to you. You’re very warm, you know.”
And he was getting warmer by the second. “Someone will see us, Livie. I don't want rumors spread about you.”
She laughed, and he could feel the press of her breasts against his chest.
“Do you think any of your crew will spread gossip at Almack’s?”
“You know what I mean. I won't have them thinking ill of you. Smiths will return any moment, and I can't let go of the wheel until he does.”
“So you're at my mercy until then?” She ran her hands up his back.
“Olivia,” he said sternly. Whether she was seriously flirting with him would not matter, she would soon be able to feel his ardent response. “You must move away at once. My crew may not frequent Almack’s, but they do populate the taverns and pubs that many gentlemen frequent as well. Gentlemen like Taverstein and Wigswillow, gentlemen who love to gossip. I'm sure your mother would rather hear of your adventure from your own lips and not another’s—preferably before the rest of society.”
She frowned and released him. “Perhaps.”
“You know I’m right. Being on a ship does not grant immunity from the social mores. Honor and duty are very much alive here, if not more so. It is my duty to protect you, Olivia.”
“Yes, you have said as much.” She ducked under his arm and returned to the railing.
Smith appeared from below deck at that moment and returned to his position at the helm. Colton escorted Olivia back to his cabin. His blood was still heated, his awareness of her still simmering under his skin, and in his mind was the echoing realization that she may have designs on him. It was surreal. To think that she wanted him made him want to howl with need, but it could not be. Nothing had changed. She was still far out of his reach, more so now than ever. He wasn’t completely convinced, but only because it seemed too good to be true. Even now, he could feel the slide of her hands up his back, but he had to remain in control. Perhaps she was only teasing him, flirting with him as she used to as a young girl for the sake of practice and entertainment. He could only take so much before he would have to firmly deny her what his heart and body wanted so much. His feelings weren’t a game. For too long he had wanted her, and he was not about to be toyed with like a dog. He was a man, and he wanted her as a woman. She should know something about men after three seasons.
They entered the cabin, and Olivia let out a content sigh. “It’s cozy in here,” she commented.
“Vents from the galley allow the heat from the stove and oven to warm the room. With the large windows, the cabin can become quite cold without it. I do have heavy drapes I can hang in the colder months to contain the heat. Do you find them necessary now?”
“Oh, no, the blankets are quite sufficient. I like all the light that comes through the windows, it’s cheerful.” She sat before them and looked out.
Colton turned to his desk and sat down. He didn’t have any pressing duties to attend to at the moment. It was awkward between them now, something they had never had before, and he didn’t know how to fix it. In the past, it had been so easy to pretend he felt nothing, to be polite, courteous, and teasing but always correct. Now there was nothing in between them, no buffer and no filter to soften his own desires. And now he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to hide them. He opened his desk drawer and pulled out a ledger. “I just need to write some reports, and then I will leave you to rest before dinner. We should hear the bell in less than an hour.”
Olivia looked up. “All I do is rest, Colton. I can assure you that I have adequate energy. Please do as you need. I won’t disturb you from your duties.”
He nodded and began to make entries in the ledger. In his periphery, he could see Olivia watching him for a moment before looking away and her gaze wandering about the cabin. Each beam and seam was familiar to him as his own hands but what did she think of his cabin, this new facet of him? There was a knock on the door, and at Colton’s bidding, Willy peeked in.
“I have some vittles for Lady Olivia, Cap’n.”
“You may enter,” Colton bid.
Willy pushed the door wider and brought the tray to the table. Olivia frowned at the single plate of food. “Will you not be dining with me?”
“Oh, ah... I have to discuss the course with Timms, and we usually do it over our plates. If you will excuse me, I will see you tomorrow.” Colton ducked through the door and was gone.
Olivia watched the door close behind him with a frown and a growing ache in her heart. She had that disconcerting feeling of doubt one gets when they feel as though they’re the only one who can’t see the obvious, or the last to understand a joke. Was she a fool? Was she living in a fantasy when in reality he still viewed her as a gangly young girl? She turned to the table and thanked Willy for bringing her dinner. She sat down and pushed some plain rice around on her plate, accompanied by a slice of mutton and boiled carrots. She was not interested in eating. Her stomach had much to complain about after the day she had.
“Is it not to your liking, m’lady?”
Olivia was surprised to find Willy still standing there. “It is fine, Willy. I think the problem is me.”
“I can bring you something else, if you like,” he said encouragingly.
Olivia hesitated. She was an unplanned guest and perhaps that meant less food for the crew. She did not know enough about ship life to know how much food was kept on board. “Willy, is there plenty of food for everyone with me being here? I don’t want to take from the crew.”
“Oh no, m’lady. There be plenty of food in the stores, this being a short trip and all. It’s no bother at all to have another belly to fill.” The boy paused and blushed. “I mean...”
Olivia smiled at him. “I won’t tell if you won’t. After all, we are all born with bellies are we not?”
“Aye, m’lady, but the captain did say not to use crude words wit ye,” he said contritely.
“I’m not at all offended. I will proudly claim that I know quite a few crude words myself. Think nothing of it. It will be our little secret.”
He turned even redder and ducked his head. Lud, but she never knew boys could blush as much as girls. She took pity on him and changed the subject. “The food is more than satisfactory, Willy, thank you. I don’t want to keep you from your dinner any longer.”
“Thank ye, m’lady.” He smiled at her and gave a quick bow before darting from the cabin.
Olivia sighed and turned back to her plate. She picked up her fork and resigned herself to eating at least half her food. She did not want to insult the cook by sending back a barely touched plate.
She hated to be alone. The majority of her time was spent with family and friends, and she was heartily disappointed Colton was not dining with her. He did have duties, she reminded herself, and he had made it clear he didn’t have time to entertain her but still...
She took a timid bite of her rice. It was plain with a slight salty taste, but so far, her stomach seemed pleased with it. Good. More sickness was the last thing she needed. She moved onto the carrots, also plain, but sweet and tender. The mutton was seasoned lightly, and Olivia found that the more she ate, the heartier her hunger became until she had finished almost all the food. Sipping some water, she moved to the bed and set it on the window seat. She tentatively sat and wondered what to do with herself now. She still felt unsettled, but for reasons other than her stomach. She was at odds with her feelings, how she felt about Colton, and her doubts about how he felt about her. She wanted to be sure, wanted to believe in her heart that there was something there because that is what her heart told her, but now she wondered if that were true. Was she creating something from nothing?
Olivia decided there was no use in staying awake any longer and decided to go to sleep. She circled the cabin and blew out the oil lamps, dressed down to her chemise by the light of the full moon, and slipped into Colton’s bed.
His scent enveloped her. She closed her eyes and nuzzled deep into the pillow, and it was like lying right next to him. She could smell the musk of his cigars, the clean scent of his soap. Her heart ached with all the unfulfilled wishes of a future she might never have with him, love that would not be made, and children that would never be born. She mourned the loss of something she’d never had, and as always, the tears threatened to fall but she was getting better. She had not yet cried, and she considered it a personal triumph. She slipped into sleep with that one positive thought.