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And then it happened. It. The call. The call of her life. The one Alex had daydreamed about since she was a little girl and decided that since she couldn’t play on the field, she would report about it. She loved to write and talk to people, get them to divulge more than they had wanted to share. Sometimes it was awkward but it was pure and authentic and everyone was closer because of it. Most times. There were a few instances of a disclosure that made someone uncomfortable but that was an emotion and that was what Alex needed and strived to make happen.
Emotions were what made the story that much more powerful. The tears that glistened in the parents’ eyes as they talked about the first time their child picked up a bat or ball. The tears of sadness that trickled down a players’ face as they watched the last chance to make the playoffs dissipate before them. Dreams vanished and dreams achieved. Each story with the climax of a triumph or defeat.
The only emotion Alex had right now was anticipation of success. Finally. It happened she had superseded her own goals. She had surpassed all her dreams. Alex had wanted to be an on-air sideline reporter and it happened. But now she was going to be an on-air anchor for ESPN. She shook her head and ran around the room. The details would be in route to her email but the basics had already been disclosed. Connecticut was to be her new home.
And then the lump of fear pulled up into the back of her throat. Not once as they spoke had she considered the idea of Houston not being her home base. If she was in Connecticut, that would not work for her and Cane. Even if they tried it wouldn’t. It was too far. With their combined schedules it was already a challenge but throw in a different home base and it wasn’t even the same game. It would be two different worlds. Worlds that wouldn’t meet. It wouldn’t work. All the excitement that had raced through her veins and made her lungs pump harder was gone. It had sunk into a spot of reality.
Run the reel again. The real reel. The one that points out all the ways it doesn’t make sense and how it would be over. Her lungs constricted until she couldn’t breathe. It hurt. Alex couldn’t breathe at all. This was the worst. She was in the crux of two things. Not things. One incredible opportunity and the love of her life. Yes, Cane was the love of her life. He always had been. And even with the redo she couldn’t see them with a happy ever after as being the last words in their book. No. God. Why? Why couldn’t she have it all? She shook her head. Alex let out a deep breath.
She hit her dad’s number. Maybe he could provide some form of advice or guidance. Alex never reached out to him for matters of the heart, but maybe this time it would make sense.
“Alexandra, this call is unexpected.”
Of course, it was unexpected. She just called to chat and to hopefully get some words of wisdom, but it wasn’t a Sunday or Monday and those were the only days they spoke because those were football days, and that is what they talked about. That was their language.
“Yes, I have some exciting news. ESPN has offered me an anchor spot.” The thrill she had experienced earlier rose and made her blood tingle.
“That’s wonderful, Alexandra. I’m proud of you. You have never taken the short cuts or handouts. This is all you. Your mother would be so excited for you.” His voice choked at the mention of her mother. He never spoke of her. Ever.
Alex swallowed. It took her a second to be able to speak. “Thank you. I’m just a little on edge...I don’t...I...what do you think about Cane?”
“Cane is definitely one of the best quarterbacks in the league. I’m glad to see him back on the field. The hit he took against The Patriots, I would have thought he was out for the season. But he’s back and looking solid.”
Her lips twisted in unison with her heart. There was nothing left to ask or say. Her dad wasn’t going there. He wouldn’t. This was not the relationship they had. Theirs was different from other families. They talked football not feelings. This was okay. Alex would solve this situation on her own as she had so many other things.
“Yea, he’s great. Alright, well I’ve got to go and figure all of this out.”
“You do that, Alexandra. I love you.”
“I love you, too.” She hit the end button and slunk down into her couch. The couch where Cane had delivered orgasms and emotions. Levels she had never reached but with him she did. Everything she did was better and different with him. Could she give this up? Could Alex give up Cane? He wouldn’t want to be together if she took the job. She was sure of that.
Her phone buzzed. She ignored it. Alex couldn’t handle another phone call or even a text. She was alone in a world of uncertainty. Too many what ifs dangled in the air and she had nothing to grab onto. Cane. She wanted him. But he was an uncertainty, too. He was a risk. The position in Connecticut wasn’t. It was a solid. If she did her job right, and she would, it was hers and no one could take it away from her. But with Cane it wasn’t up to only her. It was him and them together. The doubt and previous fears swarmed through her mind and it overwhelmed Alex. The idea of them being a couple seemed less and less of a reality and more and more of a happenstance, like fairytale that would never come to fruition and have its own happily-ever-after. No, it was most likely over.
Her phone buzzed again. It was Vanessa. Alex hit the green button. “Hey.”
“Hey! I saw the announcement from your office online. Hellooo!” Vanessa shrieked into the phone.
“I know. It’s incredible....but...” Alex sighed. She was so confused. This was the moment in her dream she never thought would happen. Confliction and unanticipated heartache pulsed through her body like a freight train about to go off the tracks.
“But what? What’s the problem? What happened? Do they want you to dye your hair blond or something?” Vanessa laughed. “Tell me that isn’t it. Tell me they don’t want you to be like some sort of Fox-snoozes Fembot.” Vanessa paused as if the phone connection had been lost.
Alex was silent.
“Hello Alex, are you there, that’s not it is it?” Vanessa demanded.
“No, it’s I just, I want it...its’ really exciting but it means...well...you know...” Alex pulled on the threads of her blanket. She wanted to unravel them the way the strings that had wrapped up her heart were now coming undone.
“What do I know?” Vanessa sighed. “Is this about him? Tell me you are not going to risk your career and future on another Fake Blitz from Cane Clayburn.”
Alex rolled back her shoulders. “No, I’m not. I’m okay. Let’s get drinks on Thursday.”
“Definitely, we are going to celebrate! Rosie’s it is.”
Alex hung up the phone. She glanced at the time. He would be there any time now. Suddenly, she heard the sound of knocking at her door. Her body stiffened. It’s now or never.
––––––––
Alex had known about the job, her move, and the end of their relationship for a week and not once had she mentioned it to Cane. She’d allowed it to sit in the back of her mind never allowing herself to acknowledge it while she was with him. Today would be different, though. Today, she would tell him and that would be it. The insides of her heart concaved at the idea but it had to be done. The position had been taken and her lease had been terminated. She paused for a second at the door. No, she couldn’t leave him outside. She had to let him in.
“You, okay?” Cane raised an eyebrow at her as she pulled the door open.
Alex forced a smile on her face. “I’m always, okay,” she lied. Cane needed to think she was okay and that she would be okay without him. It would make it easier for both of them.
“Are you sure?” He gathered her into his arms and his lips pressed against her forehead. “You’d tell me if something was wrong, wouldn’t you?”
Alex froze. No, she wouldn’t. She hadn’t. This day would not end well, that was a guarantee.
“Of course.” Two lies. Alex bit the inside of her cheek. Not good. At no point did she ever want to lie to Cane. Technically, she hadn’t until now.
“Hmm...alright, well are you ready?” Cane’s brow furrowed.
“Ready, I thought we were going to spend the day in bed?” This was how she wanted to spend their last day together. All of him to herself. One last time.
The sides of his lips pulled up. “Alex, if I hadn’t seen your lady parts I would be convinced you were a man with the amount of sex you are always asking for.”
“I wasn’t exactly, asking. I think it was more of a demand and I want it delivered now.” She poked his chest.
He grabbed her finger. “We’ll have time for that later, but right now we have got to get on the road.” Cane’s eyes scanned her body and stopped on her feet. She had on three-inch red heels with little slits that ran along the sides. Alex had bought them as a treat to herself for the big promotion. Now, they were more of a resemblance of what was to come. A broken heart.
“Do you have a pair of flats?”
“Flats? Has your ego taken a bruising and you need to be more than a foot taller than me?” She pursed her lips together.
Cane laughed. “Sweetheart, you could be in stilts and my ego would be just as big.” He leaned down and captured her lips then her tongue and her heart came undone. He did that to her. Every time. This would be more than difficult. Cane pulled away. “But my ego is only overinflated because I’ve got you at my side.” He swatted her behind. “Now, go grab some different shoes.”
Alex made her way to the closet and considered the idea of climbing in, rocking back and forth and not delivering the decision that had been made to Cane. She grabbed her brown ballerina slippers. They resembled a freshly created mud puddle, the kind with a tiny amount of reflection where you can almost see yourself. Good thing she couldn’t really see her reflection because hers was one of despair and a shattered heart. It had not even been officially broken yet, but it was coming and the anticipation hurt just the same.
“So where are we going?” Alex glanced out the window. The sun had lowered into a sweet pink haze on the horizon. Down it went, further behind the clouds before it completely disappeared.
“A pretty view. Not as gorgeous as the one I’m looking at right now but I think you will like it.” He winked at her.
Her chest squeezed tight. Oxygen was on a drought in her lungs. The longer she withheld on the discussion the less likely she would be able to find the strength to speak the words that needed to be said.
“We’ve been driving for over an hour. And not in the direction of Cut and Shoot so where are we going, Corn Fed?” Alex was confused as to the destination of this drive. If he had wanted to show her Christmas lights, they wouldn’t have needed to leave the city limits of Houston. The displays were on record as being one of the best cities in the world.
“Why don’t you find us a good song?” He nodded toward the stereo.
“Fine and then you tell me where we are going.” She rubbed her lips together and scanned through the stations.
“Run your spur along me all day.” Played over the speaker. Alex let a small smile form on her lips.
“Anything but that.” Cane tried to move her fingers.
“Where are we going?” Alex moved her head in front of the button to block his attempt.
“Tie me up in your lies.”
Cane’s nostrils flared and he pressed his lips together.
“Wrap me up in your rope.”
“Austin, we are going to Austin. Are you happy?”
“Boot deep happy.” Alex laughed. She knew his weaknesses. He loved Cheyenne with all his heart but to listen to her sing a song she had obviously written about having sex with his brother was too much for him. It was his breaking point.
But why were they in route to Austin? Did he finally figure it out? Had he known all along and had played her or made her think he didn’t? Alex swallowed. If he knew, if he really knew and this was his way of saying sorry and to ask for forgiveness, could she do it? Could she still follow through and leave? Would she? The questions rolled through her mind until they began to coast around the curves of Mt Bonnell Road. Alex’s breath escaped her lungs and fear raced around her. He knew. He was going to apologize. He was going to make it better. All those tears were going to be placed in a bucket and dumped into Lake Austin. They would be left there. He wanted her. He was going to fix what had been broken. Alex would not be able to leave him, not after that. No.
She rubbed her lips together.
“Have you been here before?” Cane squeezed her leg. She jumped. “With someone else?”
“No.” No. Alex had never gone to Mount Bonnell. Neither of them had, unless he had come after that night. They had laughed about it. How everyone had raved about it and how beautiful the view was and they made the decision to go together. To write off this Austin bucket list item.
Cane reached for her hand and kissed her on the head as they took the first step of the next one hundred and six that would follow. Side by side they rose to the next level. The hill was steep. With each stair, each stone Alex left behind all of her fears and concerns about Cane. This was it. He was the one. They could do this. No matter what they were in it together. This was possible. It wasn’t a happenstance fairytale. This was real. He was real. They were real and so right for each other. He was going to make it right. Alex’s stomach clenched into a tiny ball of hope.
The view was better than anyone had ever described. Even a picture wouldn’t be able to capture this incredible display. Lights scattered along the shores of the lakes and further in the distance, were like tiny sparkles of opportunity in the darkness. They reminded her of a missed moment that hadn’t happened back then, but now was going to come into fruition. This was it.
Cane glanced at the lake and back to Alex. “Alex, I’ve finally met the only woman in the world that can match me on each play of the game of life and I’ve brought you up here to the highest point in Austin. I wish we would have met in college and I would have done this sooner.” He began to bend at the knee.
“No, stop. Don’t take a knee. You said you only wanted to do that once, right?”
“Right.” His eyes widened.
“Well, you haven’t met me once.” Her lungs were squeezed so hard the air had evacuated her body. With all her might she blurted out., “We knew each other in college.”
“What?” He shook his head. His brows furrowed in confusion.
Alex took a step back. “You really don’t remember, do you?”
He ran his fingers through his hair and stood in silence.
“We were in a study group together. Business 101.” She paused. Nothing. No flash of a memory reflected in his eyes. “You came over to my house and no studying took place. You were really flirty and I had been crushing on you. Well, more than crushing on you all semester and we made out. Does any of this sound familiar to you?” Despite the lack of air, the blood in her veins began to pulsate as if in an attempt to perform CPR on her. A small panic attack raced underneath her skin. Beads of sweat trickled against the back of her hair.
“No.”
Alex tapped the sides of her head. She forced herself to tame the flames that ran inside her. She could do this. She inhaled. “Let me continue. We had a great time or at least I thought we did. We made plans to watch Legends of the Fall and then go take a guess Cane. I think you might have enough smarts to figure this one out?” Her cheeks were on fire. Anger and humiliation burned in her. A welt of pain seared against her skin as it resurfaced from so many years ago.
“Here?”
“Yes, here. Neither of us had been here at the time. Though, now I’m guessing you took lots of women here. This must be your thing. You must do it so much that you can’t even remember it. Just like me.” Alex pushed a rock on the ground toward the edge. She pressed her eyes shut. This had to be a nightmare. Not her life.
“Alex, let me explain. Business 101?”
“Yes.”
“My dad died that semester.”
Chills ran against her arms.
“Yes, I went through a lot of women and a lot of booze. So, I’m sorry that I fucked up. If I had not been doing that, I guarantee you, I would have remembered.”
Alex shook her head. “Well, you didn’t remember then, either. I showed up at your room the next day with the picnic we had agreed upon and you had no clue who I was or why I was there. Do you know what that feels like?” She couldn’t breathe. Instantly she was transported back in time, the wounds fresh. Oh god, it hurt...the humiliation.
“No.”
“Well, it’s awful. Like let me drop sixty pounds of shame awful. That’s right, I weighed sixty pounds more back then, so I can thank you for that. I’m eighty pounds lighter now. But who’s counting?” She laughed. It was fake. Not real. Just like them.
“I am and I’m sorry.” Cane reached for her hands but she pulled away.
Alex swallowed. “It’s too late for sorry. I can’t do this and neither can you. We weren’t meant to be. Let’s leave it as a good time and no regrets.” She stepped back. She needed to create physical distance from him. Any closer and he could pull her in and it would be too hard to let go.
“Are you serious? Because I fucked up six years ago you are ending everything we have now?”
“No, I’m ending everything now because I’m moving. I’ve taken a job in Connecticut I’m going to be an anchor. I was going to tell you today.” She swallowed hard. She let pride fill her lungs as if she could pretend that her pride for her job was more important than the idea of them.
“What?”
“Now, I’m the one that’s sorry. I should have told you earlier. But I just couldn’t.” Alex glanced down. She needed to get out of here. Off this mountain that was bigger than a molehill and get back to Houston. Time to end the day. Everything else was already over.
“How long have you known?”
Alex forced herself to make eye contact. “A week.”
“Alex, you’ve known for a week and you weren’t going to tell me? Until today? Why?” He stepped toward her. His eyes were light as they reflected the moon.
“Because, I wanted to have one last week with you.” She rubbed her lips together and bit the inside of her cheek. Do not cry. Get out.
“You didn’t want us to end. That’s why you didn’t say anything. Don’t lie to yourself.” Cane reached for her hand again but she pulled away.
“I’m not. I have to go. My flight leaves tomorrow.” Alex turned on her heel and thanked herself for the ballet shoes. They got her off the hill faster than what would seem possible. She ran as quickly as her feet would allow and then found a spot to crouch down and hide. It was dark. No one would see the tear that had escaped her eye. She retrieved her phone from her purse and texted Vanessa.
“Please pick me up. I’m at the bottom of Mount Bonnell.”
Vanessa would know what this meant. She knew what Mount Bonnell was to Alex. The mountain she would never climb. It was always out of her reach, just like Cane.