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The phone buzzed again. The messages and calls had slowed down. Hopefully by the day after Christmas he will have officially moved on. That would make sense. He would want to keep the possibility open until Christmas and then when it was official for everyone else to know he would move on. Move on. Her chest tightened again. The Tums sat on the maroon counter in her dad’s kitchen. The bottle was half empty. She would get him some more before she left. Misery bubbled inside her stomach. She had completely screwed herself. Not only did she leave the love of her life, she ruined things with the network. They were not exactly keen on her need for a personal moment to deal with a death in the family. Alex hadn’t gone into details but they were not exactly supportive. Her fifteen minutes of fame was in a swirl to the end of the hour glass of her time to be on-air. This had been mentioned more than once in the difficult phone conversation. Alex had let a few sniffles slip through despite her desire to be a hundred percent professional.
The death was true. It was a death. Maybe not of a person but it was the death of a relationship and hopes of pure happiness. She had that, real happiness. And love, it was like he really loved her. But she couldn’t get past the past. It was too much and the Tums were not the cure. The plate of Christmas cookies in front of her weren’t, either. She needed to get them out of sight. If she came to in the morning and hoped to pursue the on-air route, she was going to need to be less cookies and more smiles. Air escaped from her lungs. Smiles. Alex shook her head. No. Don’t go there. Be strong. Take ownership and handle the situation.
“Dad, do you want any more of the Christmas cookies?”
Her dad looked back from his recliner in the den. “No, but don’t forget to leave some out for Santa.” The sides of his mouth pulled up. It was a rare scene. He still wanted to pretend with her about Santa. They never really had the talk and Alex figured it was probably something that he held onto like her mom’s memory.
At least that fantasy had always been real. Alex put the cookies in the tin and pushed them back into the cupboard. There. Perfect. She was always good at compartmentalizing. Everything. Job. School. Family. Love life. She laughed. What love life? Everyone had always been just a number or a name, something that looked good on paper but didn’t make sense in the flesh. Nothing made sense except him.
Alex scrolled through her phone. There were several emails from the Network. It was Christmas Eve, and she was technically dealing with a death. Work could wait. Her heart needed to heal. If that was possible. Alex switched to the Socials. The last update from Cane was two days ago. It was a picture from the field aimed at the fans.
“All for you.”
That was the text. Fans reshared it over and over again. They thought the message was for them. And maybe it was. But something about it, made it seem like it was for her. It was the only post of the stands he had ever done. Usually, his posts were of his muscles or the football team. Gym workouts or some delicious incredibly calorie heavy food he was about to eat. But this photo was of the stands. Not just any part of the stands. But where the reporters sat. That’s what made Alex think it was for her. Her heart burned. She grabbed for the Tums and let the malty flavor crush inside of her mouth. They were so gross.
It was Christmas Eve. He had tried to call and she let him go to voicemail. Not just let, she hit the button to send him directly there. The idea of him being on the other end of the phone and the vibration of the possibility that she knew was gone was too much to watch. She had to put him in the box of no returns. No more what-could-have-been. She had sealed the end on it and them. It hurt too much. The idea of them and the idea that it wasn’t real. How could he really not remember her? In college, she figured he changed his mind about the picnic and pretended he hadn’t just spent the night before with her. Like next level gaslighting. It was so surreal. She had contemplated the possibility of changing her major to psychology to really uncover what had happened.
The illusion of a great night with her crush that was wiped away by rejection and a distortion to her memory. That semester was hard to process. Book after book she read. Therapy. The gym. Alex had tried everything to solve the mystery of Cane.
When the opportunity to interview him in the locker room was offered Alex was sure he had remembered her at that point. She had decided the locker room location was a precursor from Cane to let her know he did remember her. Why else would he invite her to the locker room? But she was wrong again. So very wrong.