The Naturally Occurring: Mommie Nature Dearest
The Grim Rating:
A solid 9!
“Ya ever taken a gander at the CEO of QualiGrow? Even S’tan doesn’t look that evil!”
How It’ll Go Down: In light of the continued decline of the “good” bee population, QualiGrow, a multinational agricultural corporation, will develop what it hopes to be a more resilient good bee. This will involve attempting to rehabilitate Africanized killer bees. Crikey, what a messed up idea that was! The bad bees become worse and way more killerish.
Unfortunately, none of the QG geneticists (not to be confused with GQ—trust us) discover their blunder until the bees have been released into the wild. Once unleashed, they’ll make short work of everything in their flight plan, including homo sapiens. Over time, our planet will become one lovely, pollinated field overflowing with fauna of every color, sorely lacking in human or animal life.
Estimated Length of Disaster: About thirty years.
Percentage of Population Affected: Not everyone will be stung to death, but estimates run as high as 99.2%.
Here’s the buzz:
The Grim Rating:
A dopey 5.1.
“Again, too many variables. But here’s something you might enjoy—Hitchcock and I play Canasta every Sunday night. True story. It’s a mutual admiration society—we enjoy each other’s work.”
How It’ll Go Down: The long-feared avian flu surfaces with a vengeance. And then it mutates. As a result, birds don’t die but are, instead, feverish and testy. What was once that noisy flock of grackles in your backyard maple tree becomes a gaggle of grumpy grackles who want to gnaw on your neck and crap on your corpse. And the same goes for every type of bird, even the usually perky, caged parakeets who now, as a result of the malady, routinely try to kill their reflections in those cute swinging mirrors. Who’s a pretty psycho bird?
For a culture that got so enamored with a game called Angry Birds, the irony will not be lost on us.
Estimated Length of Disaster: This is another one of those plot lines that’s not written in stone (or suet). How the story turns out depends on the degree to which the military and cat population find a way to work together to ground the winged hellions.
Percentage of Population Affected: 42–82%, with an error rate of +/-40%. (Our math skills could use some work.)
Here’s your peckish list:
The Grim Rating:
Really? 0.8.
“How insulting—a fart catastrophe. This is absolutely beneath my notice. Don’t get me wrong—I’ll take the measly scraps, but I don’t have to like ’em.”
How It’ll Go Down: No one knows how this one came about. Nevertheless, sulfur is natural and, thus, this is categorized as such.
This will be repulsive and stink even worse. Most every person on the planet will be suffering from the effects of continuous farting while simultaneously enduring the collective stench of everyone else’s poots.
On the upside, the death toll won’t be as severe as most other disasters. However, many humans would prefer to die rather than deal with the lingering farticulate matter. Several million won’t survive due to the swirling sulfur haze. As Joni Mitchell wrote, “I really don’t smell clouds at all.”
Estimated Length of Disaster: About a month. This includes time allotted for the sulfur to disperse and the gagging to stop.
Percentage of Population Affected: Everyone will be affected, but probably only 5% will pass, so to speak.
Here’s a stinker of a list:
The Grim Rating:
C’mon, man! 2.8.
“I expect a hell of a lot more out of this duo than a sniveling score like this! They’re lagging far behind their counterparts. If they can’t do their jobs adequately, I’m sure I can find more enthusiastic disasters who would gladly sub for them.”
How It’ll Go Down: Earthquakes and tsunamis—they’re the Martin and Lewis, nay, the soup and sandwich of the disaster world. Almost inseparable since their primeval partnership began, they’re still going strong all these years later. Sure, they each do solo acts now and then, but they always find their way back to each other for their most ambitious projects. And now, they’re about to be inducted into the Disaster Hall of Fame. It just shows to go ya that nothing beats teamwork.
This two-headed titan will stage its biggest event ever when the infamous Pacific Ocean’s Ring of Fire (named by the late Johnny Cash, we believe) suffers a critical structural failure. As this spreads around the Ring, the west coasts of both North and South America will disintegrate and disappear, which will put a dent in sunbathing. Additionally, much of Asia and Australia will have their eastern seaboards deleted from the planet. New Zealand will sink like a stone, which is a shame because we were looking forward to that ninth Hobbit movie, Baggins vs. Baggins: A Hobbit Divorce Tale, set to be released in May of 2023.
Estimated Length of Disaster: Once the initial tectonic shift occurs, the rest will follow. It’ll take a number of weeks, but by the end of it all, the Earth’s landmass will have shrunk by 44%, which is not chump change.
Percentage of Population Affected: 33%. And when that’s combined with the reduction in landmass, we’re going to see a dynamic economic opportunity for savvy landlords!
A soggy list that also has the shakes—must’ve been a rough weekend:
EARTHQUAKES AND TSUNAMIS BUCKET LIST
The Grim Rating:
Me no love you long time—1.7.
“This is what happens when a storyline depends on fairies—you get micro-dividends. Still, I love an occasional trip to Asia. It gives me a chance to claim a few pervy businessmen!”
How It’ll Go Down: Dang, Japan gets a lot of action.
By utilizing the Japanese equivalent of the Freedom of Information Act, it’s discovered that the original classic sci-fi film Mothra was actually a documentary. The sequels were, indeed, regular marginal movies, but the first flick was real and Mothra played herself. Once this is discovered, the question becomes, “Whatever happened to Mothra?”
Weeks later, a savvy reporter from the Tokyo Tribune tracks her down on a nearby island where she’s been living in seclusion with her fairy friends. During this time, Mothra hadn’t taken care of herself, gaining quite a bit of weight and developing a nasty booze habit. When the journalist convinces her to come back to civilization for a TV interview, Mothra agrees only if she can be paid in liquor and moist, rotting matter.
Unfortunately, when she arrives, the pressure of being in the limelight once more is too much for the matronly moth. Mothra breaks down, binge drinks, and drunkenly takes out skyscrapers in ways that only a giant moth can. (Of course, the weight gain hasn’t helped her flying skills, which now more closely resemble “falling skills.”) This leaves the fairies little to do except buzz around the raging insect, singing their insipid song, and trying to talk sense into her. Some fairies are useless.
Estimated Length of Disaster: If international forces can’t get it together or the Tojo Corporation doesn’t intercede, we could have a moth-based assault lasting the better part of a year.
Percentage of Population Affected: Probably only the major cities of Japan.
Here’s the Mothra of all lists:
The Grim Rating:
Okie dokie, roachie—8.7!
“Cockroaches have sure come a long way from when I first knew ’em. They’ve made remarkable strides, particularly in the personal growth category. They’ve now got the potential to be a perennial powerhouse.
How It’ll Go Down: In one of the most disgusting moments in history (even worse than the Lady Hoggers premiere), billions of cockroaches of every shape and size will stream out of a multitude of locations—a crevice in Budapest, a closet in Columbia, a manhole in a Manhattan alley, and on and on. At first, humans will be wondering what kind of publicity stunt they’re witnessing. (“Do insects have flash mobs?” they’ll wonder.) But once folks figure out this is real, they’ll understand the true extent of the icky.
These cockroach hordes will be bolder than ever, no longer content to dive for a crumb on the floor. They’ll be going for anything and everything, including the contents of your fridge, other bugs, birds, mammals, and humans. They’ll resemble a murmuring of tiny Tasmanian devils, twirling and swirling in paths of destruction. (Who knew disgusting could be so poetic?)
A noted etymologist will explain, at a special session of the U.N., that this is nature’s way of cleaning house. He’ll relay this frightening fact: The towering amount of trash we throw into landfills, lakes, and oceans is creating a proportionate bug population designed to counter the effects of such excessive waste. With the roach infestation, apparently, nature will have fired the starter’s pistol—the cleanup has begun.
Estimated Length of Disaster: If someone (are you listening, MIB?) can’t figure out a way to put the hurt on the bugs, they’ll strip the planet clean within five and a half years.
Percentage of Population Affected: Possibly as high as 92%. Once again, the colder climates will have an advantage…until the roaches adapt, that is.
A buggy list:
The Grim Rating:
Pitiful—1.6.
“They’re snakes. And?”
How It’ll Go Down: Because of the popularity of this book and the possibly irresponsible suggestions within, snake collecting will become the latest craze. People will be putting their snakes in little sweaters and hats and posing with them for Christmas portraits. This trendy pursuit will create a multitude of problems. Folks will realize eventually that they overcommitted on snake purchases and can’t afford to feed all those spring-loaded mouths. As a result, millions of snakes will be abandoned and released into the wild. What’s worse, this generation of snakes will have no fear of humans and will expect to be fed.
Snakes will be everywhere. To say that the world will be crawling with snakes would be accurate. It’ll be so bad, Samuel L. Jackson will weep.
Estimated Length of Disaster: Hard to say, but the duration will be greatly shortened once we open that chain of mongoose stores.
Percentage of Population Affected: 12%. No big deal, right?
Fangs for the memories:
The Grim Rating:
It’s been real—8.1!
All in all, I thought we had a rather successful journey. Hopefully, you’ve now got a number of things to consider regarding your future. And me, I’ve got so much to look forward to.
What have we learned here, other than that Mothra was a colossal lush? Well, I believe we’ve rediscovered much about ourselves; at least, I know I have.
Let’s start by taking a look at the final tally (total of scores in each category divided by number of disasters):
And the winner is YOU! That’s right, the numbers don’t lie—humanity is its own worst enemy. Not only did you win with the highest total, but you also had the most entries in your category! You really know how to do yourselves in. Thanks!
I must say, I’m a bit disappointed in the Sacred and Nature categories. I expect a midrange performance like that from the Invasions, but not from the other two. I would suggest Sacred and Nature go back to the proverbial drawing board and see what they can do to step up their games. And Cosmic, it was close, but keep on keepin’ on—you’re gonna get there!
As for what else we’ve learned, I’ll tell you this: The time I spent with you gave me a boost—a much-needed shot in the place where my arm used to be. I feel like I’m invigorated, ready to take on the world again and get back to doing what I do best—claiming the souls of dying unfortunates. Let me at ’em/you.
I hope you feel similarly emboldened and enthused about taking the passionate actions required to survive and thrive.
Assuming you don’t accidentally off yourselves first.
Thanks for letting me into your lives—now I know where you live.
Oh, better go—I hear an air raid siren.
All the best,
G. R.