He’d been praying all the way to the hospital, frantic, almost wordless prayers. He glanced across the front seat. Nolie was praying, too, her lips moving soundlessly.
He snapped off the phone. “Busy. Everyone who’s not at the fire is calling everyone else, trying to find out what’s happening.” He rubbed his forehead. “I don’t know who else to try.”
He should have been there. Dad. Ryan. He tried to swallow the fear that was acid in his throat. He kept forming pictures in his mind. That was the trouble with knowing too much about what could happen.
“That place was a firetrap that should have been torn down years ago.” He didn’t know whether he was talking to Nolie or to himself. “No sprinklers and a roof that was bound to go once the fire reached it.”
“I thought I’d read in the paper that they’d been renovating the building.” Nolie seemed to understand that he had to talk or go crazy.
“That probably made it worse. Lots of flammable materials around, and no way of knowing what the contractors had been doing.”
Nolie went through an intersection on a yellow light. “Just two blocks.” She glanced at him, hesitation in her face. “Do you want me to leave after I drop you off?”
“No.” The negative was out before he thought about it. He needed her with him. He didn’t want to analyze why.
“Okay.” Her response was brief. Maybe she didn’t want to think about it, either.
“Mom’s going to be devastated. When I got hurt, she had Dad to protect her from the worst of it.”
“Your mother’s a strong woman. She’ll bear anything she has to.”
Nolie didn’t know his family. She didn’t understand that Dad was the strong one. Mom had to be shielded, but in this case he didn’t know how that could be managed.
They drew up in front of the hospital, and his stomach turned over. In a few minutes he’d know.
“Just let me out—” he began, but Nolie was already pulling into one of the reserved slots.
“I have a permit because of the work I do.” She snapped off the ignition and slid out of the car. She and Max were right behind him as he ran into the emergency room.
“The firefighters from Engine 10. Where are they?”
The woman behind the desk stared at him blankly. “You can’t bring a dog in here.”
“Max is my seizure-alert dog. You can’t deny us access.” He said the words without thinking twice. “My family must be here. Where are they?”
An EMT pushed through the doors from the treatment area and came toward him. He didn’t recognize her, but she seemed to know him.
“We put your family in the lounge.” She pointed toward a swinging door. “Right through there.”
He pushed through the door and came to a halt, aware of Nolie close behind him.
Mary Kate had her arms around his mother. Brendan sat on the other side of her, his embrace seeming to hold both women. Seth sagged in a chair, still in his turnout coat, his helmet on the floor beside him and his face black.
“How are they?” His question went to Seth, who surely knew the most, even as he crossed the room to hug his mother.
“Ryan has a broken right arm, some burns. Nothing too serious. He was trapped, but we pulled him out pretty fast.” Seth’s blue eyes were the only alive thing in his face. “Dad—we don’t know yet.”
He couldn’t let himself feel thankful for Ryan until he knew about his father.
“What happened? Was he trapped, too?” A battalion chief shouldn’t have been on the front line, but it was tough to hold Dad back, they all knew that.
“No.” Seth buried his face in his hands, his voice muffled. “Ryan was first in, on the nozzle. I guess he thought he could go farther. Dad saw the condition of the roof, yelled at him to get back, but maybe he didn’t hear.”
Nolie probably didn’t understand, but he could translate that without any trouble. Ryan, revved up and running on adrenaline, had gone too far without pausing to analyze the danger.
“Dad went after him, didn’t he?”
Seth looked up. “He tried. But the roof came down. By the time we reached Ryan, Dad had collapsed. Paramedics were already there. They brought them both in.”
“We just have to wait.” His mother patted his arm. “That’s all we can do now. Wait.”
He met Brendan’s eyes over his mother’s head. How long would his mother’s poise last, with her son and her husband both injured?
“Where’s Terry?”
“Her unit was still on duty.” Brendan was quickly reassuring. “She figured she could do more good there than here.”
Max lay in the corner, his eyes moving from Nolie to Gabe and back again. Nolie had found a coffee-maker on the counter and was quietly putting the pot on. Her gaze caught his, and he nodded. Trust Nolie to find something practical to do.
Maybe that was why he’d instinctively wanted her here. Nolie would be a rock in time of trouble. She’d found her strength the hard way.
He got up, went to her, and started searching the cabinets for cups. “Thanks,” he said softly. “That’ll help.”
“Well, I don’t know that it does, really, but it’s something to do with your hands.” She kept her voice low as she glanced back at Seth. “Your brother ought to be checked out, too. He looks as if he’s in shock.”
“I know, but he won’t leave Mom now. Give me a coffee with extra sugar and I’ll take it to him.”
She nodded, pouring the coffee. When she gave it to him, he clasped her hand briefly. “Thanks for staying.”
“Of course.” Her blue eyes had darkened with concern. “Anything I can do. You know that.”
He gave a wry smile. “Make another pot. This room will be filled with firefighters as soon as they’ve knocked down the blaze.”
She nodded, but her gaze was questioning.
“That’s how it is. Nobody will go home until they’ve come to the hospital. Firefighters look after their own.”
He heard the door swing open and spun around, heart pumping. If it was news about Dad—
It was Ryan. His arm was in a sling and the side of his face red and raw, but otherwise he looked okay.
Gabe’s jaw tightened. Hadn’t he warned the kid to take care? Ryan hadn’t been able to tell the difference between being aggressive and taking unnecessary risks, and look at the result.
Nolie’s hand closed over his arm as if she read his thoughts. “There’s nothing you can say that will make him feel any worse than he already does,” she murmured.
What did she know about it? If he’d gotten through to Ryan, this wouldn’t have happened. He jerked his arm free. He’d say anything he wanted to his brother.
Before he could move, Ryan crossed the room in a stumbling run. He dropped to his knees in front of Mom, his face twisting.
“I’m sorry, Mom. I’m sorry.” His voice broke in sobs. “It was my fault. Dad wouldn’t be here if I—”
Siobhan put her arms around him. “Don’t, Ryan, don’t.” It was the voice she’d used when he’d come home at five or six, crying because he’d wrecked his bike. “It’s not your fault. It will be all right.”
Sobs wracked Ryan’s body, and he clutched her like a lifeline.
Gabe’s anger went out like a blown candle flame. How many times had Mom said those reassuring words to her kids? It will be all right.
He crossed to them and knelt to put his arm across his brother’s shoulders.
“It’s going to be okay, Ry. It will. It’ll take more than this to get the old man down. He’ll probably come out of it with another citation.”
He felt his mother stiffen at his words. “Do you think a citation is worth a hair on his head?” Anger flared in her eyes. “Do you?”
“No, of course not.” He sat back on his heels. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
The fire left her gaze. For an instant her lips trembled, but then they firmed. She patted his cheek. “I know. He’s doing what he loves. You all are. But every time you’re on the job, I wait for the call.” She shuddered. “Or the knock on the door.”
They wouldn’t call if it was a fatality. Every firefighter family knew that. The battalion chief would come to the door with the chaplain.
He didn’t know what to say. He’d always somehow assumed that Mom didn’t really understand how dangerous it was. And he’d certainly never understood how strong she had to be to keep her fear hidden from them all this time.
Nolie had known. He put his arm around his mother, but his gaze sought out Nolie’s. She was watching him, her blue eyes bright with tears. Nolie had understood what he hadn’t. The thought grabbed his heart and twisted it.
* * *
“You were right.” Nolie backed up against the counter next to Gabe. “I know you said everyone would come, but I still didn’t expect this.”
She’d made three pots of coffee, and clearly it wasn’t enough for all the people who’d crowded the small lounge. Firefighters, some of their spouses, people from the Flanagans’ church—they had all filtered in over the past half hour until it seemed the room could hold no more. Not even the dragon at the reception desk could keep them out.
“Firefighters are family, just like the people from the church are. I knew they’d come as soon as they’d gotten the fire under control.” Gabe’s eyes darkened. “Thank God no one else was hurt.”
“Yes.” Thank You, Father.
Gabe was holding the fresh cup of coffee she’d handed him, but he wasn’t drinking it. He’d probably had enough caffeine to last him for days. Still, he wouldn’t be able to rest until he knew his father was all right.
Please, Lord. Be with Joe.
“How often does this kind of thing happen?” And how did the spouses stand it?
“Not often. Not here. A bigger city like Baltimore or Philly has more fires, more injuries.” He set the cup down. “We’d go, no matter how far, if a firefighter died on the job. For the funeral. They’re our brothers.”
Her throat tightened. He’d said they were family, and clearly he’d meant it. She glanced at Siobhan, surrounded by so much love, so many people who cared for her. They were hugging her, praying with her, giving her strength.
Who do you have?
The question seared into her brain, shocking her. Who did she have? Claire. The animals. Not a very long list. If she were in trouble, who would come to pray with her?
The crowded room suddenly seemed stifling. “I’m going to see if I can get some more coffee.”
Gabe nodded, his attention claimed by someone else who’d come up to speak to him. She slipped quickly from the jammed room.
She paused outside the door, taking a breath. Even here, the outer doors were opening to let in more people with worried faces. She turned and hurried down the hall. Surely there was someplace where she could be alone for a few minutes.
A pair of swinging doors at the end of the hallway bore a brass sign. Chapel. Something inside her cringed away from the title, but she wouldn’t be a coward about it. Quickly, before she could change her mind, she pushed the door open and stepped inside.
The room was small, with five or six rows of pale wooden pews arranged in front of a simple altar. The only decoration was a painting depicting Jesus healing a lame man. Christ’s hand was outstretched, and somehow the artist had managed to convey both love and empathy in His expression.
She couldn’t seem to take her eyes off the painting as she slid into one of the pews. She’d expected to feel a wave of revulsion at the place, reminding her of Brother Joshua’s chapel. Instead she felt welcomed. At peace.
Was this what Gabe’s family felt in their church? She struggled with a wave of longing to have what they did—love, support, family. Even with the accompanying pain, it would be worth it to know you had that.
Tears stung her eyes. She folded her hands on the pew in front of her and pressed her face against her knuckles.
Please, Father, be with Joe and his family now. Strengthen him, and give his doctors wisdom. And help me to understand where You’re leading me. I thought I knew how my life was meant to be, but now—
“Nolie? Are you all right?”
Even as she looked up, Gabe slid into the pew beside her, with Max behind him like a silent shadow.
“Fine.” She struggled to smile. “I just felt the need for a little quiet.”
Max pushed past Gabe’s knees and nuzzled her face, as if he knew her pain.
Gabe’s hand closed over hers. “You were praying for my father.”
“Yes. Do you know anything new?”
“Not much. It was a heart attack, that’s all we know so far.”
That was what they’d all been thinking, of course, since they’d heard he’d collapsed.
“Your mother—you should be with her.”
He nodded. “I’ll go back in a few minutes. I just needed to know you were okay. I didn’t expect to find you here.” His glance took in the simple, unadorned chapel. “I thought you didn’t do organized religion.”
“That’s what I thought, too.”
She could let it go at that. She didn’t have to reveal her inner turmoil to him. But she wanted to.
“I saw how much it meant to your mother, having all those people around to support her and pray with her when she needed them. It made me think I might be missing something.”
“I’m no expert, that’s for sure.” His fingers tightened on hers. “You know where I’ve been lately, spiritually speaking. But I still have to say that I’m grateful for all those other people I know are praying for us.”
She’d convinced herself she could be a Christian alone. That she didn’t need any company on the journey. Maybe she’d been wrong.
The door behind them swung open, and Brendan popped his head in. “I thought you might be in here.”
Gabe surged to his feet. “Any news?”
Brendan’s face split in a smile, and a wave of gratitude swept over Nolie. Good news, it had to be, or he wouldn’t look that way.
“They’ve moved your dad to a bed in CCU. He’s stabilized, and everything’s looking good.” He glanced from Gabe to Nolie. “No hurry. They’re only letting two people in at a time to see him, anyway.”
The door swung shut behind him.
“You should go,” she said quickly. “You should be with your mother.”
He nodded. “Do you mind sticking around for a while? Just until I see what I’m going to do? She might want me to stay at the house or here at the hospital tonight.”
“Of course.” She managed a smile. “I’ll be glad to wait, and I can run your things over to the house if need be.”
“Thanks.” He was frowning, obviously running over in his mind things to be done. Things that didn’t include her or the farm.
That was only understandable. He had to be with his family at a time like this. But it began to look as if the few more days she’d thought she had with him were coming to a premature end.
* * *
“You can go in now.” Gabe gave Terry a reassuring smile as he came into hall outside CCU. This had to be especially hard on Terry. She not only knew too much about fire, as he did, she also knew the medical end of it.
She squeezed him quickly and then pushed past him, arranging a smile on her face for Mom and Dad’s sake.
Nolie was waiting with Max. Something twisted inside him. Nolie had been here all afternoon, helping everyone. She’d been accepted by the family without question, as if the two of them were a couple.
Nolie was vulnerable. He kept forgetting that, putting his own needs first. But he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t do anything that would hurt her.
“How are they doing?” She stroked Max’s head, as if the dog gave her comfort.
“Not bad.” He leaned against the nearest wall, feeling like he’d run a couple miles in full turnout gear. “When I came out, Mom was scolding Dad for scaring her. And it must have been doing him good, because he was trying to smile.”
Her face relaxed. “That’s good to hear. I know how relieved you must be.”
He nodded. “Mom—she’s amazing. I never understood before just how strong she is. You had a better insight about her than I did.”
She shook her head slightly. “I don’t know about that. I guess sometimes it’s just easier to see things from the outside.”
“Maybe so.”
Her words touched him. Nolie always seemed to be looking at things from the outside. For the first time he realized how painful that must be. He took her hand, knowing there was no reason to do so, knowing he shouldn’t, but wanting to touch her, anyway.
He wanted—well, what did he want? He’d better get this straightened out in his own mind.
He couldn’t have it both ways. He and Nolie couldn’t both get what they wanted out of this situation, and he was afraid that would always stand between them. Nolie would never be able to forget if his actions cost her the grant. And he’d never be able to forgive if she cost him his job.
It wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t his. It was just the way things were, and he’d better figure out a way to handle this without anyone getting hurt any more than was inevitable.
“You know, I will take you up on that offer to drop some of my stuff at the house, if you have time. Mom’s going to need me for a while.”
Something shadowed her eyes, as if she understood what lay behind the words.
“I’d be glad to.” She hesitated and then seemed to make up her mind. “Does this mean you won’t be back?”
He tried to keep his face expressionless. “I imagine the chief would excuse me from finishing the training, under the circumstances.”
“Of course.” She drew her hand away from his carefully. “I guess that’s it, then.”
He should let her walk away. She wouldn’t press him about the foundation, not with his father lying in CCU.
But it wasn’t fair. Nolie deserved better than that.
“Look, I don’t want it to be this way.” She could probably hear the frustration in his voice. “But I can’t do what the foundation expects.”
“I understand.”
She was being a lot more forgiving than he would be, if the situations were reversed.
“I don’t want to let you down, Nolie. I’ll come back to the farm on Friday for the meeting with the foundation board. I’ll try and convince them to give you the funding for your program.”
But he wouldn’t tell them he needed it. And that could very well be the bottom line.
“Thank you. I appreciate that.” Her words were formal. She glanced at Max. “Will you do one other thing for me?”
“Sure.” He was too relieved that she was taking it well to argue.
“Keep Max with you for the rest of the week.” She lifted her hand to forestall his protest. “I know you think you don’t need him, but this is a stressful time. Humor me in this. Please.”
“Okay.” It was a small enough thing to do for her. “I’ll keep him until Friday.”
She nodded and patted the dog’s head. “Stay, Max.” She managed a slight smile. “Please give your parents my best. I’ll see you on Friday, then.”
For the last time. That was how it had to be.