Nolie got out of her car at Pastor Brendan’s church two nights later, only to discover that her hands were trembling. Clenching her fists, she thrust them into the pockets of her navy blazer.
Obviously those moments in the hospital chapel hadn’t been sufficient to wipe out all of her fears. If she’d had a choice, she wouldn’t have been going into the church this evening.
But she didn’t have a choice. Siobhan Flanagan had called, voice quivering with emotion, and invited her to attend a service of thanksgiving for Joe and Ryan’s safety. She hadn’t been able to say no.
My fears are irrational, Father. I know that. Please give me the strength to defeat them, once and for all.
She stiffened her spine and walked toward the entrance. She could do this, with God’s help.
But maybe it would be safer to claim a seat in one of the back pews. That way, if she had to, she could slip out quietly without disturbing anyone.
Coward, her conscience whispered.
Get through this, she told herself sternly. She had to. Then tomorrow she’d spend working with Danny and two other clients who’d agreed to participate in the demonstration for the foundation on Friday.
And on Friday—well, Friday she’d know her future, one way or another.
It could all come down to what Gabe might say to the foundation board. And she had no control over that at all.
The double doors of the sanctuary stood open, and light poured onto the stream of people who moved inside. Her stomach twisted. She hadn’t expected so many people. Well, to be honest, she hadn’t known what to expect.
She’d reached the top of the four steps leading into the church when a tall figure stepped toward her. Gabe, with Max at his heels, waited for her.
There was no reason for her heart to thump against her ribs like that. No reason, except that it always seemed to when she saw him, and tonight—
Tonight he wore what must be a dress uniform for firefighters. She’d never seen him in uniform before, of any kind, and the blue jacket with its official insignia changed him, somehow. He seemed even taller, more imposing than he ordinarily did, and that was imposing enough.
As for Max, only the slight waving of his tail indicated that he saw her. Max stood at attention, almost as if he proudly wore a uniform, too.
“We’ve been waiting for you.”
“I hope I’m not late.”
Underneath the polite, ordinary words were all the things she couldn’t say. They pressed against her lips and tightened her throat.
Gabe let her precede him into the rear of the sanctuary. Brendan’s church, one of the town’s oldest ones, had soaring gothic arches that led the eye upward. Tall stained-glass windows lined the sides, and the jewel tones of a rose window above the pulpit glowed from a light behind. It was as far removed as possible from the tiny, barren chapel Brother Joshua had claimed as his.
Gabe extended his arm formally, as if he were escorting her down the aisle at a wedding.
She clasped her hands to keep from reaching out to him. “I thought I’d just slip into one of the back pews.”
His gaze seemed to soften in understanding. “My mother wants you to sit with us.”
“But—”
I’m not a member of your family, Gabe. I don’t belong. After Friday, I’ll probably never see you again.
“Please.” His voice was low, reaching her under the joyful rush of sound from the organ. “It means so much to her. Don’t disappoint her.”
That was probably the only thing he could have said that would have persuaded her. She nodded, throat tight, and put her hand on his arm.
He covered it with his other hand, pressing it firmly against his side. A rush of warmth flooded through her, weakening her knees.
Just get through it. She managed a smile and started down the aisle with him.
It was like a wedding, she realized before they were halfway down the aisle. People were in a mood so joyful that it was contagious, but it was a solemn joy, as if everyone here recognized that something momentous had happened.
There were uniforms throughout the sanctuary, including city police and some others that she didn’t recognize. Gabe’s words about firefighters going anywhere to honor those who’d died in the line of duty came back to her. They must all be relieved that it wasn’t a funeral tonight.
The burgundy carpet seemed to stretch a mile, and she felt as if everyone in the church watched her, wondering who she was and why she was here. Ahead of her, on the communion table, bouquets of spring flowers were massed behind two white candles whose flames flickered and danced.
Finally they reached the front. Siobhan greeted her with a smile and a quick hug, sliding over to make room for them at the end of the pew. Flanagans were crushed into the two front pews, and murmured greetings floated along the row to her.
She sank to the burgundy-cushioned seat, wishing she could slide all the way down to the floor, the way one of Mary Kate’s children was trying to do. At least people weren’t looking at her any longer.
Then Gabe sat next to her, and her heart turned over once again. They were so crushed in the pew that there was no getting away from him. His hand brushed hers as he reached for a hymnal, and his knee pressed against hers when Max crowded into place on his other side.
Breathe, she told herself, and looked up thankfully when the organ music ceased and Brendan stepped to the pulpit.
He was in uniform, too. It hadn’t occurred to her, but as the fire department chaplain, he would be.
He’d been at the hospital in his role as chaplain, as well as family. In the case of a fatality, the chaplain would be called on, probably, to break the news. How hard that must be for Brendan, given his close ties to the department and its people.
But now, at least, he had a joyful task to perform. He raised his hands, and his smile encompassed the whole congregation.
“Tonight we join the author of Hebrews to declare, ‘Let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”’
Gabe must have felt her instinctive reaction to the words, because he glanced at her, then wrapped his fingers around hers.
She smiled, hoping he understood that she was all right. No passage Brendan could have chosen would have reassured her more. Those were the words she’d clung to through the darkest times.
Draw near with confidence to the throne of grace.
Brendan couldn’t have known that. No one did but God. It was as if He had guided Brendan’s thoughts and words. The tension she’d been holding on to since she approached the church seeped away.
The prayers of thanksgiving were still echoing in her heart when Brendan began to pray for the healing of all wounds, visible and invisible. Gabe’s fingers tightened painfully around hers.
Her heart contracted. His wounds were invisible, and so were hers. Brendan’s words stirred the air, moving like a breath through the gathered worshippers, as if he were praying directly for them.
The tightness in her heart was suddenly too much to bear. She couldn’t carry this any longer. She blinked her eyes against the stinging of tears.
Please, Father. Set me free. I didn’t even realize how much I was still held captive by the past, until Gabe entered my life. I don’t want to be. I want the freedom You promise.
It was as if the words were a key, releasing all that God wanted to give her. Warmth and lightness flowed through her. It bubbled joyfully through every cell of her body, releasing the bonds that had held her captive for so long.
Her aunt and Brother Joshua had been wrong. She was worthy of being loved. How could she have let them deny her that for so long?
Brendan’s brief sermon focused on those joyful words from the story of the prodigal son. “Let us celebrate, for this son of mine was dead and is alive again. He was lost, and is found.”
Like the son, she’d been lost, but God had found her. She seemed to float through the rest of the service. She felt Gabe’s eyes on her several times, as if he sensed a change and wondered at it.
Would she ever have an opportunity to tell him? Probably not, but that didn’t seem to matter. No matter how much pain it would cost when Gabe went out of her life, she would still be grateful that knowing him had brought her to this place.
The service ended on a last triumphant hymn, and people flowed toward the doors on a wave of thanks-giving, laughing, talking, and greeting one another. Despite the fact that a number of people stopped Gabe to speak to him, he kept a firm grip on her hand.
She could have pulled free, but she didn’t want to. She wanted to believe, even if just for a few minutes, that a bond really did exist between them that could surmount any obstacles in their path.
The line slowed as it reached the outer doors, where Brendan greeted people as they left. He seemed to have a personal word for each one.
Gabe was still talking with the members of a rescue crew from Lancaster, so she occupied herself with glancing over the notices on bulletin board in the vestibule. Brendan clearly had a busy congregation, with everything posted from pleas for donations to a church rummage sale to a workshop for welfare mothers to a youth group car wash.
They reached Brendan then, and he took the hand she extended in both of his. “I’m glad you came tonight, Nolie. Come again, please. You’re welcome here.”
“Thank you.” Welcome. The word had a nice sound to it. “I noticed your church is looking for donations to your rummage sale.” She squashed a flicker of doubt. “I have a shed full of furniture I can donate, if you have someone with a truck to take it away.”
All the while Brendan was assuring her that he’d be glad to do just that, she was aware of the message conveyed by the pressure of Gabe’s hand. He understood. He knew what this meant.
She was free of the darkness that had shadowed her life. She had a right to be hopeful for the future.
* * *
“I just hope you don’t mess this up.”
Gabe looked across the front seat of the car at Terry on Thursday morning. She’d volunteered to drive him to the farm, and apparently she thought that gave her an opportunity to lecture.
“Mess what up?” He might as well be resigned to it. She held him captive for the moment. Nobody had ever kept Terry from saying what she wanted to, in any event.
“Nolie.” Terry sent him an exasperated glance. “Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. The woman cares about you, heaven only knows why, and she’s one in a million. Don’t blow it.”
How was it that a sister knew just where a guy was most vulnerable?
“She cares for me the same way she does for all of her clients. In fact, she probably cares more about that lazy donkey she rescued than she does for me.”
“Yeah, right. That’s why she has stars in her eyes every time she looks at you.”
He couldn’t help his instant reaction to that. “She does?”
“Please. It’s absolutely demoralizing.” Terry turned into the farm lane. “The woman’s crazy about you. And you can’t kid me. You feel the same.”
Maybe he couldn’t kid her, but she didn’t know everything. “It’s not as easy as that.”
“It never is.” Terry pulled to a stop under the willow tree that overhung the lane. “Listen, just take my advice and don’t mess it up. You need her.”
He slid out, Max at his heels, shutting the door firmly on anything else she might say. No matter how well-meaning she was, Terry didn’t understand what was going on between him and Nolie.
But she was right about one thing. He did need Nolie, just not in the way she thought.
He crossed the lawn toward the training center, trying to find the words that would convince Nolie to do what he wanted. He couldn’t seem to find them. Maybe they didn’t exist.
The training center was empty except for Lady. She frolicked toward them, and Max looked up as if for permission to play.
“All right, go ahead.”
The dogs darted toward the creek, obviously happy to be off duty for a few minutes. He bypassed the paddock and headed into the barn.
Nolie was there. She stood at a stall door, shaking out a bale of straw. Its pale yellow color almost matched the hair she’d pulled into a single long braid down her back.
He stepped forward, his shadow bisecting the oblong of sunlight that lay on the wide, weathered floorboards. She swung toward him, her face expressing surprise at the sight of him and something more—the something more Terry had seen.
She cared for him. And if she cared for him, surely she’d do what he asked.
“Gabe.” She brushed her arms free from the cloud of straw. “I didn’t expect to see you today. Is everything all right?”
“Fine.” He inhaled the mingled aromas of straw, oats and animals, and then shook his head. “Well, maybe not so fine.”
She came quickly toward him. “Your father?”
He had to suppress the desire to reach out to her. “No, nothing like that. Dad’s doing great.”
Her eyes were puzzled. She knew him well enough to know something was wrong.
He may as well come out with it. “I talked to the chief last night after the service.” There was no positive light in which to portray what he’d thought. “He’s been very supportive with Ryan and Dad. I figured that was a good moment to tackle him about getting back on the job.”
“I see.” She didn’t move, but her face seemed to still.
“It didn’t work.” He could still hear the chief’s voice in his head. “He thinks three injured Flanagans are enough for any department. He offered me a desk job.”
“Maybe he’s right.”
Anger licked at his veins. “No. He’s not. I’m not going to sit at a desk for the rest of my working life. I can’t.”
“You’d still be with the department.” The pain in her eyes said she was hurting for him, but she didn’t get it.
“I couldn’t live like that. I’d rather dig ditches.”
“Gabe—” She made a helpless little gesture with her hands. “This doesn’t have to be the end of your world. I’m not suggesting ditch-digging, but there’s got to be other work you can do that will let you help people.”
He shook his head. “I thought you understood how I feel about it.”
“I do understand.” Passion colored her voice, and she reached toward him.
His fingers tangled with hers, and it was like touching fire. Longing and need surged through him in an engulfing blaze. He pulled her against him, his mouth finding hers with an urgency he’d never felt before. He needed her. He wasn’t whole without her.
Nolie melted against him. Her hands moved on his back, drawing him closer, her lips warm and sweet against his. All the problems that rode him seemed to slide away, until nothing was left but Nolie.
He drew his lips from hers reluctantly, trying to get his senses under control. He cradled her face between his palms, his thumbs brushing the pulse that beat in her neck.
“We got off the subject,” he said softly. “My fault.”
“No. Mine.” She murmured the words, tears still shimmering in her eyes. “Gabe, I wish so much that I could do something to make this right for you.”
He took a breath, trying to clear his head. Nolie wanted to help—that was the important thing. She knew how much this meant to him.
“You can do something.”
Frown lines formed between her brows. “I don’t understand. You said the chief—”
“I asked the chief what it would take to convince him to put me back on active duty. He said he’d need a strong statement from an unbiased source to back up his decision.” He rushed on, needing to get the words out. “An unbiased professional source, Nolie. Like you.”
The Lang woman has seen you in action for the past month. Get her to declare in writing that you’re ready for action, and I’ll take a chance.
It had come down to this. Nolie held his future in the palms of her hands. If she cared about him, she’d do the right thing.
* * *
The realization of what Gabe was asking her sank into Nolie’s heart like lead. He wanted her to lie for him.
Please, Gabe. Don’t make me say no to you. Please.
She caught her breath, trying to marshal the arguments that would make him see what he was doing.
“Gabe, you must know that won’t do any good. Why would he be impressed by anything I might say?”
“He knows how much we’ve been working together. He trusts your judgment.”
I don’t. Not where you’re concerned.
“I’m not a medical professional. You should get the doctor to talk to him.”
“No.” His mouth clamped shut on the word.
“You haven’t told the doctor about your seizure, have you?” Her heart sank. This was worse than she’d thought.
“Look, there was no point in telling the doctor about it. He’d just have given me a lecture about staying on the meds, and I didn’t need that.” His mouth twisted. “I’d already found that out for myself.”
“But—” Her mind whirled with all the ways his reasoning was flawed. “Will they let you back on active duty when you’re on the medication?”
“I don’t know.” His uncompromising tone made it clear he didn’t intend to find out.
“You didn’t tell the chief about the medication.” She tried to swallow her disappointment. “Gabe, the department has to know. It shouldn’t make a difference, but you have to tell them.”
He shook his head, the set of his jaw stubborn. “It will just bring up an issue that’s better avoided. I’ll probably never have another seizure, and I’ll be able to get off the medication eventually with no one the wiser.”
“You can’t be sure of that.”
“You said yourself that last seizure was a mild one. They’re tapering off.”
“I hope that’s true.” Desperation made her words sharp. “But I don’t know that, and neither do you. You’ve got to give yourself more time.”
“I don’t have time. Dad may never get back to work, and someone has to keep an eye on Ryan.”
“After the scare he had with your father, Ryan will surely take more care.”
He was already shaking his head. “Ryan won’t change. He was born that way—too much charm and too much luck. It makes him take chances.”
“Seth and Terry are still there to look out for him. Why does it have to be you?”
“He doesn’t listen to them. I’m the oldest son. I’m responsible for the others. You don’t know what it’s like.”
That stung, but she kept her gaze steady on his. “No. I never had family to care for.”
“I’m sorry.” Regret filled his eyes. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
“It’s true. I don’t understand that kind of family responsibility. But I know you’re taking just as much risk as Ryan ever does if you try to go back on active duty now.”
“I won’t have a seizure on the job.”
A chill seemed to settle deep into her soul. “If you were sure of that, you’d be talking to the doctor, not to me.”
His face hardened. “I can’t take that chance, Nolie. You’re the only one who can help me.”
“Please.” Her voice shook, and all the will in the world wouldn’t keep it steady. “Don’t ask me.”
“I have to.” He caught her wrists in his hands. His pain seemed to pass through that touch straight to her heart. “If you love me, you’ll do this for me.”
Pain twisted her very soul. She had to say the words, even knowing they’d put an end to everything between them.
“I do love you. But I can’t let you put yourself and other people in danger. I can’t do it.”
He dropped her hands, and her pulse beat against the empty air. Gabe turned and stalked out of the barn.