I see women trying to become more assertive. They read articles that give them all kinds of advice, most of which is bullshit. The truth is you cannot be authentically assertive without having built your own competence. But when you have done the work, you have earned the right to be authentically assertive. You have the right to be heard, because you have something important and interesting to say.
Cowgirls know that on the ranch and in board of directors meetings that women can come across as being too aggressive. Cowgirls have earned the right to be heard, and when they want to make a point, they stand up and express themselves boldly, taking on a bit of masculine persona. They speak their mind without fear of being judged.
But they also know when to shut up. They follow up with a little humor. They ask questions. They are open-minded. And they listen carefully, now switching to a more feminine approach. This double whammy of boldness followed by an open and friendly demeanor eliminates the risk of being bitchy. Cowgirls know how to do it instinctively. They have been leading cowboys around by the nose since the beginning of time.
Women who learn how to do this with confidence and ease actually can come across as more powerful than most men. It is a wonderfully unfair advantage because men can’t do it.
Express yourself boldly, smile, and sit down.
Your gut is your guide to assertiveness. Your gut is a combination of dreams, reality, experiences, fears, and doubts. Your gut is the summation of who you are. When you need to take a stand, be bold, and speak your mind, check your gut first. While it is usually a bit vague and rarely logical, listen carefully.
When your gut speaks to you, pay close attention. Even if your mind says it is a risky move, if your gut says go for it, be decisive, be bold, and go for it.
Your gut will rarely steer you wrong.
There is power in that checklist. When it gets too long it can be daunting. But when you whittle it down and before you go to bed, check off the last item; there is a huge sense of accomplishment and power that keeps you warm and snuggly all night.
It is the things I have not resolved that keep me up all night. Some of those you have to let go. As Scarlett O’Hara said, “I can’t think about this now. I’ll go crazy if I do. I’ll think about it tomorrow.” Having a lot on your plate demonstrates your value and your personal power. Do what you can do today.
Then check that off of that list with joy and satisfaction. Sleep tight.
I asked a young professional woman about how she built her confidence. I was surprised when she told me that her therapist had encouraged her to understand how her employer made money. She took a deep dive and quickly learned how her job contributed to the company’s overall financial success.
“Suddenly a lot of fuzzy issues about my career became crystal clear. It all fell in place. I am so much more comfortable,” she said. I like this a lot. Understanding the money is fundamental to being positively assertive.
So forget the therapist and invite the CFO out to lunch.
Cowgirls grow up learning a powerful skill, storytelling. Their grandparents, aunts, and uncles all have stories that come down through the generations. They are full of lessons on values, character, and courage. They are stories full of danger and life-changing dramatic events. And all of them have twists of irony, humor, and love.
Storytelling is an incredible source of personal power. In fact, most great leaders are amazing storytellers. Storytelling enables you to advocate for an issue by stringing together all of the arguments, both pro and con, but to do it in an engaging, entertaining way. Storytelling is a way to teach values, vision, and culture by explaining their origin.
Cowgirls sit together with their peers, friends, and families and tell stories around a campfire that inspire us all. Learn the art of storytelling. Think about the lessons you want to teach. Make them authentic.
Whether you are telling stories around a campfire or standing in front of an audience of a thousand people, there will come a moment when you want to make an important point—to tell a truth. When this moment comes, step away from the podium and speak from the bottom of your heart. Let your emotions go; don’t be afraid of them.
When you speak from your heart, it puts people on the edge of their seats. Why? Because they don’t hear it very often. Open with a laugh. Close with a heartfelt truth.
My dad used to talk about getting the Blue Goofus. He would get restless, uneasy, and kind of grumpy. We all get in the dumps every now and then. He taught me that the best thing to do when the Blue Goofus shows up is to smile at it and tell it hello, to acknowledge it and try to figure out what is going on. Usually, it means something is wrong, out of whack. Or that there is a big change coming that will have to be dealt with.
When the Blue Goofus shows up, don’t avoid it. Go sit by it and hold its hand. You’ll figure it out.
There is nothing more powerful and enduring than earning trust. My business is totally based on trust. We have done business with so many people through the years, and we have earned their trust by simply doing what we say we will do. It takes time and effort. Step by step. Slow by slow. Nothing, absolutely nothing, is more valuable.
I have people who have worked for me for years who I trust blindly.
Who do you trust? Who trusts you blindly?
We send little red cowboy boots to all of our employees, clients, and partners who have newborns. At first, we just thought it was a nice thing to do. Over the past twenty years and hundreds of red boots later, it has come to mean something much more. I now see it as a signal that we send to new parents that we value them and are proud to be a part of their lives and their families. Almost without exception, at about eighteen months each of those babies walk in our office proudly wearing their red boots. When those parents take the time to walk those children in to see us, it is the most profound act of kindness I ever receive.
Are you as kind as you want to be?
Earning the right to be assertive is a fundamental source of personal power. The path to earning that right is solving problems. There are always problems. And there are always plenty of people who are eager to point them out. But the people who apply themselves to find creative solutions are the powerful ones. They research the issues, apply analytical discipline, and then build consensus for the solution. They teach everyone how to approach problems. They teach people how to work together to improve.
Real problem solvers are the high priests of the business world. Bless you.
It is not all roses and bluebirds out there. There are times when you need to reach down into your gut and find the power to push yourself forward to success. Sometimes it requires an all-nighter, or a weekend of work. Sometimes it means another sales call at the end of a long day. Sometimes it means having to deal with a difficult situation.
Put your head down and power through it. Be strong. And, each time you do it, it will get a little easier. Each time you do it, if you look behind you, you will see more people following you. More people who have your back.
Power through. It will make you stronger. And more respected and admired.