The following morning Freddie texts to confirm the meal out on Friday. Rachel accepts, wondering if she’ll get time to fit in a session at the gym before then. Exercise is a good way of relieving her stress, but the reality is that her gym bag has lived in her car boot for months now without seeing daylight.
Once Lara has left to get the bus for school and she’s dropped Josh off, Rachel makes herself a black coffee instead of her usual milky latte and eats a piece of toast and peanut butter. She’s barely slept since the letter arrived. Despite persuading herself last night that it didn’t need to be taken seriously, she can’t help but be nervous. Is there a little hope in there too?
The timing of the note has to be deliberate – just when Rachel has finally got together with someone she can see a future with. That’s only possible because the anger that consumed her is receding, slowly, although some days it takes her by surprise and she has to practise being mindful, as her therapist taught her. But she’s getting there, and Freddie is part of that. No longer is she fearful of Tom walking through the door and the tsunami of feelings that would evoke. Getting involved emotionally again is a huge step forward; finally she’s allowing herself to believe that she can make a life for herself.
This year is significant. She’s been counting the days until September, until the day when she can officially declare Tom deceased. The thought makes her shiver every time she has it, but it has to be done for practical purposes. When Tom disappeared, she was still his wife; she was living in their house and she found herself at an impasse in many of her financial affairs. He had inherited the house from his parents, which meant she had no mortgage to worry about, yet she still had to cover all the bills and family expenses. His money was in a separate account, which initially she was unable to access. Having stopped work when she had the children, the last years haven’t been easy.
After Tom had been missing for ninety days, she was able to take advantage of the recent Guardianship Act, and applied to be guardian of his affairs, which gave her some legal rights. Heidi challenged her for the guardianship, but although she had been living with Tom at the time of his disappearance, whatever promises he may have made her proved legally to be empty ones. Once Rachel was successful in court, she assumed declaring him deceased would be straightforward. Although the guardianship had given her some control over Tom’s share of the business, inheriting his full share would give her the freedom to sell it to Freddie if she wanted to. Declaring Tom dead would also enable her to access the life insurance and give her the financial independence she craved. She had to do this; it would help her to move on, mentally if nothing else.
Tom contacting her now would put a stop to all that; this note could be the undoing of all her plans. She’d never have spent her grandmother’s money on the extension if she had thought for a moment she’d need it to live on. And if it wasn’t Tom who’d sent it, then somebody has a really sick mind to try this now, just when she is finally emerging from the darkest period of her life. She can’t imagine who would do this to her.
The conversation with Lara has got her thinking about the documentary again. Seeing Tom’s face on the screen last night gave her a shock – it always does when she’s not expecting it, especially as she’s tried so hard to forget him.
The documentary was shown a week ago. She planned to watch it on her own, but Lara had seen the trailer and insisted they watch it together. It had taken her by surprise. About a year ago, she’d had a call from a producer who suggested she might be interested in being involved in a documentary, but as soon as she’d mentioned the subject matter, Rachel had stopped her and put the phone down. Maybe she should have done a little digging, but she’d not heard from the woman again and had pushed it into the compartment in her mind where she stored anything she wanted to forget. Even if Lara hadn’t alerted her to the screening, she’d have known anyway, as her phone had buzzed with messages from her mother, her sister, her friends. She’d tried to contact DS Mortimer to ask him if there was anything she should know about, but she’d been unable to reach him. Josh hadn’t been aware it was on as far as she knew, and anyway he was at Scouts that evening. Rachel doubted he would be interested, even if he did hear about it.
Unable to stop worrying about the note, she decides to watch the documentary again, to see if she’s missed anything. At the time, she was so conscious of Lara and how she might be affected, she didn’t give it her full attention. She locates the recording and switches it on.
A warning is given at the beginning, alerting viewers to sensitive content. Most programmes these days carry some sort of alert; violence against women is rightly very much at the forefront of the news, and the current case of the missing university student is on everyone’s minds.
The documentary is narrated by a young woman, Stephanie, whose mother walked out on her family when she was twelve years old and was never seen again. The police officer in charge of the case, now retired, talks about his gut feeling that she deliberately left home and, for whatever reason, created a new identity.
Five similar cases follow, all where parents have left young families behind and disappeared. Tom is the final missing person to feature. A clip is shown of the news at the time, detailing his unusual family situation. Seeing herself on screen is always a shock for Rachel, and revisiting these clips has her scrutinising her appearance. She was a lot slimmer then, and it’s hard to see beyond the dated clothes. Ironic, given that as soon as she’d found out about Heidi, she’d embarked on a diet, without much effect, but the minute Tom disappeared in such mysterious circumstances, the pounds fell off her without trying. Even now, she squirms at hearing her own story, the humiliation of Tom leaving her still painful. She hates being branded the vengeful ex-wife. If only people knew about that last weekend with him, how she had hopes for a future with him. If only she could forgive him for letting her down a second time.
Heidi is on the screen now, the camera close-up on her face, and Rachel feels the same stab of complex emotions she felt the first time she found out what her husband’s mistress looked like. Delicate features in a heart-shaped face, blemish-free skin and glossy hair. The camera pans out to reveal her standing outside the flat she shared with Tom, alongside a group of spectators drawn by the cameras and the story unveiling in their street. The shot widens to take in the scene, and Rachel spots a familiar figure. She grabs the remote and rewinds the image, stopping at the man in such close proximity to Heidi. She crouches in front of the television to make sure. It’s Freddie.
Freddie has never tried to hide the fact that he dislikes Heidi, and it strikes Rachel as odd that he should be there amongst the onlookers. He’s bound to have an explanation, though, and she has enough to worry about as it is without creating unnecessary dramas.
She switches the television off. Nothing in the programme has convinced her that Tom’s inclusion is of any consequence – any number of cases could have been used. It’s the note that has made her pay attention; she’s worrying unnecessarily, not only about that, but about Lara’s renewed interest in her father’s disappearance too. She jots down the name of the therapist involved in the programme, wondering if that might be helpful for her daughter.
That evening, Lara picks at her meal.
‘You’re still worrying about Dad, aren’t you?’ Rachel has always encouraged the children to talk about Tom, even though they have few memories of that time, but lately she’s wondered if she was wise to do so.
Lara shrugs, pushing peas around her plate. ‘I wish I could remember him more.’ She lays down her cutlery, giving up any pretence of eating.
‘You were only five,’ Rachel says. ‘I can’t remember anything much from when I was that age.’ She puts down her own fork.
‘Would you mind if I had a look?’
‘At what, darling?’
‘At seeing what happened to him. I’ve often wondered whether I should, but now, seeing how it helped that presenter, Stephanie, I think it might be good for me. I was thinking about starting an online story about it.’
‘As long as you don’t expect to find any answers.’ Lara gives her a look. ‘I didn’t mean it like that. I hope you do. But I did the same and had to give it up in the end. It was upsetting and difficult.’
Rachel can’t imagine what Lara will search for – other than newspaper reports from the time.
‘The library might have old local papers you can look at.’
‘Mum, you’re so prehistoric. I can get all that stuff online.’
She smiles; she hasn’t seen her daughter this animated in a long time. If only it were a different subject that was piquing her interest.
‘Do you think you’ll ever marry again?’
Where did that come from? Lara has never asked anything like this before. Maybe Rachel hasn’t been as discreet with Freddie as she’d have liked. Introducing a partner into the family for the first time isn’t something to take on lightly.
‘How would you feel about me dating?’
‘I’d like it, I think, as long as he was nice.’
‘Well obviously. Actually, I’m going out on Friday, with Freddie.’
‘See, I knew it! You are dating. You went out with him last week.’
Rachel can’t help smiling. ‘Do you approve?’
Lara nods. ‘He looks nice. I don’t really remember him, though. How come you suddenly met him again? Did you bump into him?’
‘No. He contacted me out of the blue.’
‘That’s weird.’
‘Not really. He was very good to me when Dad disappeared. He used to come around a lot at the time.’
Freddie started seeing someone else shortly after and his visits gradually petered out. Rachel remembers how she herself dropped all her friends when she met Tom, swept up in the ecstasy of being in love. Things would be different this time round, with her life revolving around the children. Her love life would come second, and she was sure Freddie would understand.
Later that evening, her sister rings. Rachel is in her pyjamas, and settles in for a long chat.
‘How’s the romance with the lovely Freddie going?’
She stretches out like a cat. ‘I told you it’s not a romance – yet.’
‘Ha! I knew it.’
‘He’s taking me out for a meal on Friday.’
‘It’s all very civilised.’
‘We’re getting to know one another. It’s a weird situation. I told Lara.’
‘Does she approve?’
‘Yes. I wasn’t sure how she would take it, but she said it was about time I started dating, Says I don’t go out enough.’
‘Which is exactly what you always say about her. I felt terrible not being able to stay the other day. It was obvious she wanted me to.’
Rachel sighs. ‘I can’t help worrying about her. At her age she shouldn’t be looking to her aunt for company. She’s a bit preoccupied with that documentary.’
‘I thought you said she found it helpful.’
‘She did, she could relate to that presenter. But now she’s decided she’s going to do some sleuthing of her own.’
‘She’s such a little Miss Marple. How has she been lately?’
‘OK, though she’s never going to find school easy, I’ve accepted that now, I just wish she could make friends. She says she doesn’t want to, but I think that’s just bravado. I worry she’s lonely.’
‘Has Holly been round lately?’
‘No, and Lara bites my head off whenever I ask about her.’
‘They’ve probably fallen out. You know what teenage girls are like. It will be the biggest tragedy in the world. Then they’ll be best mates again next week and forget all about it. Remember me and Tania?’
‘You were just a drama queen about everything.’ Lara isn’t like that at all. She’s never been one for big demonstrations of emotion; she keeps her feelings locked inside. ‘Thank goodness the documentary wasn’t much to do with Tom really. Even now, it doesn’t get any easier seeing his photo on screen, that picture of him and Heidi.’
‘Bloody Heidi. Do you ever see her?’
‘No, not for years. She still lives around here apparently.’
‘I’ve never got over her challenging you in court, all that drama she created over the guardianship. She had no chance of getting it. She’d only been with him for five minutes compared to you.’
‘They were living together for several months, and who knows how long they’d been seeing each other behind my back.’
‘I thought you’d stopped worrying about that. You have to let go.’
‘I know, but…’
‘Has something happened?’
‘Yes, but you mustn’t tell anyone. I don’t want the children to know – especially now, what with Lara fixating on her dad. It’s probably nothing, only…’ Rachel tells her sister about the note being posted through the door.
‘It’s a hoax, has to be,’ Emma says. ‘Are you worried?’
‘It’s just a bit weird: first the documentary last week, and now this. I watched the documentary again this morning, just to make sure I hadn’t missed anything significant. But there’s nothing. If anything, it confirmed that the police did everything they could to find him. DS Mortimer was so kind to me. He went out of his way to keep me up to date, no matter what time of day it was. It meant a lot.’
‘Why would Tom turn up now, though? If he’s still alive – and I know we both think he is – what possible excuse can he have for putting you through this torment? I’d kill him if you didn’t. Leaving you for that woman was unforgivable enough. He couldn’t possibly expect that you’d want him back, could he?’
Rachel imagines opening the front door to Tom, the rage and anguish that would burst out of her. Not only did he leave her for Heidi, he left her for a second time when he walked out of his life. She imagines pummelling him with her fists until he fell to the ground.
‘You’re right. I just can’t believe this is happening as I’m finally moving forward, making the house better for all of us, getting closer to Freddie. No way would I allow Tom back in my life.’
She bites her lip. The truth is, she’s not one hundred per cent sure what she’d do, how she would feel. Emma knows nothing of the last weekend she spent with Tom; she’s never told a soul what happened that night, not even the police. A rush of guilt at the thought takes her over. If she lied about something so momentous, how can she ever trust anyone else?