The envelope lies on the doormat amongst bits of mud and twigs from Josh’s football boots, which are abandoned beside the mat. She opens the door in case Deborah is on the other side, but the garden is empty, her neighbour’s front door closed. Cold wind blows Rachel’s hair into her eyes as she scans the street. Not a soul in sight. She doesn’t want to pick up the envelope, because until she does, it could be entirely innocent; Tom’s distinctive writing won’t be on the front of it. But the churning in her stomach tells her it will be. She walks down the path and looks along the street. A cat stares wide-eyed before scuttling under a car. The gate closes without a noise; Danny must have fixed it.
A door slams and Deborah emerges from next door. ‘Am I late?’
‘No, I thought I heard a knock.’ Rachel leaves the door open, sweeping the note up from the mat, checking the front, where the familiar writing confirms her fears. She shoves it in the pocket of her coat, which is hanging in the hall, willing her hand to stop shaking. ‘Thanks for coming at such short notice.’
‘No worries. I wasn’t doing anything much.’
‘I’ll be two hours, tops.’ She takes her jacket from a peg, deliberately leaving the coat with the offending white square inside. Seeing Heidi is enough of an ordeal without the added pressure of whatever is in the envelope. ‘Help yourself to anything.’
It was her idea to meet Heidi in the café. She certainly didn’t want her to come to the house. Heidi suggested her own place, but that was way too intimate for Rachel. She’s not even sure this is a good plan now that it’s happening, despite Freddie’s encouragement. The conversation with Heidi was unexpected in its nature; instead of full-blown hostility like they used to experience, it was as if they were acknowledging each other for the first time as independent people who’d both been through the same ordeal, united in their grief. Although Heidi having to ask how long it had been since Tom disappeared surprised Rachel; surely the date must be ingrained in her brain like it is in her own? Despite their telephone conversation being fairly amicable, she also can’t help mulling over Freddie’s revelation about the money. If it hadn’t been for Heidi and her demands, that situation might never have arisen. However, she’s aware that it’s easier to blame Heidi, given Tom’s absence.
A white Fiat 500 is parked outside the café and Heidi is inside, seated on a bench looking out of the window, a glass of something red in front of her. Rachel was anticipating a mug of tea, somehow more appropriate to the situation.
‘They do cocktails after five,’ Heidi says, grinning.
Now that she’s here, faced with Heidi’s smiling face, her long tanned limbs and shiny hair, Rachel feels frumpy in comparison. She hasn’t changed, and she’s acutely aware of the coffee stain on her sleeve from earlier in the day. In an attempt to relax, she orders a glass of wine and steers Heidi to a small table on the far side of the café.
‘I wasn’t sure you’d come,’ Heidi says, flicking her fringe out of her eyes, a movement she repeats constantly, her chirpy demeanour clearly a cover-up. Rachel is relieved to know she’s feeling the awkwardness of the situation too. ‘Last time we met, it was horrible. I want to apologise. The guardianship not going my way meant I lost the house we were planning to buy, and I was going around in a permanent cloud of anger.’
‘It was a horrid time.’ Rachel pictures Heidi standing outside the solicitor’s office, shouting at her lawyer, who was doing his best to appease her. Rachel herself was just glad it was all over. Heidi had questioned her right to be the one to take charge of Tom’s affairs, and on top of not knowing what had happened to him, she had felt as if she was drowning. On the day of the verdict, the sky was dark, and waiting outside for the outcome, Rachel paced up and down, imagining what would happen if she were to lose the house. She’d have wanted the sky to burst over her and pummel her into the ground, all traces of her disappearing into the pavement cracks – like Tom, no sign of him anywhere to be found. She hated him now for causing this instability, this sensation of having nowhere solid to put her feet. He’d hurt her.
But the worst didn’t happen. Heidi lost and Rachel survived.
‘About the note,’ she says.
Heidi frowns at the sudden change in direction. ‘Yes,’ she says, taking her bag from the back of her chair. ‘I’ve had one too.’
Rachel places her wine glass back down on the table, not trusting her wobbling hands.
‘You’ve had one too?’
Heidi nods. ‘It arrived late this afternoon. Posted through the letter box. I’d half expected it ever since your call. I’ve been so convinced he was dead, but this is just the kind of messed-up thing he’d do.’ She looks around in an exaggerated way. ‘He could be here now, watching us…’
‘Tom isn’t like that. Can I see it?’
‘You show me yours…’ Heidi raises her eyebrows, a glint in her eye, but Rachel doesn’t respond. This is no time for jokes. ‘Did you bring it with you?’
‘Just the envelope.’ Rachel takes out the plastic bag she’s put it in and hands it to her.
‘Oh. Why not the letter?’
‘It might be evidence. Lara has already handled the envelope, so I figured it was OK to bring it.’
‘I wish you’d brought the letter.’
Rachel wishes she could forget the second note, burning a hole in her pocket.
‘I told you what it said.’
‘Whatever. Here’s mine, anyway.’ Heidi lays it on the table between them.
I want to come home.
Rachel’s insides crumble. If Tom wrote this, then her own note is meaningless. Sadness turns to fury.
‘I don’t believe he wrote these,’ she says. ‘I did at first, but I’ve changed my mind now.’
‘Why?’
‘Too much time has passed. Anyway, he wouldn’t write to both of us.’
‘What if he’s messing with us?’ Heidi says. ‘Maybe we should put our differences aside and work to beat him.’
‘I don’t think it’s him. As I said, he’s not like that.’
‘Maybe we should go to the police.’
‘I doubt they’d take it seriously,’ Rachel says. ‘They made it quite clear they believed he had left of his own accord, running away from his debts. They didn’t find anything to suggest otherwise, and as they ruled out foul play, I accepted their expertise. That’s why when I got the note I thought it was genuine. Do you?’
She stares at the table, feeling disorientated as she often does when she thinks about Tom and Heidi. What is she even doing here?
‘I shouldn’t have come.’ She gestures with her hands. ‘I don’t know what this is. I’m not sure it was a good idea for us to meet.’ She sighs. ‘I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t know what the rules are.’
‘There aren’t any rules. I wanted to see the note for myself, look at the writing. But when mine came, it made me wonder. If we think it’s forged, we should involve the police. They can test that kind of stuff.’
‘What if something terrible happened to him?’ Rachel says. Up until now, her gut has told her the opposite, but her doubts about the note are getting too strong. Who else could have sent it, though? A disgruntled colleague? Freddie? She shivers.
‘I doubt that. I reckon he’s more likely to have a whole new family and he wants something from us. But he could have had a family with me… Maybe he just couldn’t face telling me he didn’t want to be with me any more.’ Heidi stares into the distance.
‘I’ve never wanted to believe he was dead,’ Rachel says.
‘Why?’
‘Just a feeling I have. I’d know, I’m sure. My gut tells me he’s alive. But obviously you were closer to him then.’ She can say this dispassionately now. Just about. She finishes her drink, using the moment to formulate her thoughts.
‘You last saw him the day before, didn’t you?’ Heidi asks. ‘When he dropped off the kids?’
‘Yes, but only briefly.’
‘What about the weekend before that? How did he seem then?’
‘Same as ever. Slightly awkward, as it always was, usually we both treated it as a transaction, tried to get it over with as quickly as possible. But he did come in that time, which was different. He asked for a cup of tea, and we had a chat. I told the police.’
That was all she told the police. She’s never told anybody about the rest of it and she hopes she isn’t going to blush now.
‘What did you talk about?’
‘How guilty he felt. It was the first time he’d opened up about it. I was still angry with him. I couldn’t forgive him for what he’d done. To Lara in particular. She was devastated when he left home, and it changed her.’
‘In what way?’
‘She became much quieter, keeping things to herself. She used to chatter about everything to me before then – to both of us. That was the problem. She enjoyed our different ways of being with her. It was never the same after he left. And now she hardly remembers him.’
‘Remind me what the note said exactly.’
‘“I want to come back.”’ Rachel looks at Heidi when she says this, holding her gaze to hide the lie, wanting to appear truthful. The omission of to you is deliberate. ‘The same as yours. It doesn’t make any sense. He could come back if he wanted to, nobody is stopping him. But would he really expect either of us to take him back now?’
‘Too right,’ Heidi says. ‘He’d have to face all the people he’s angered by disappearing, the children too. He’s missed their childhoods and nothing can undo that. Unless he thinks he’d be charged with wasting police time, and hopes to persuade us not to go to them.’ She stirs her drink with a straw. ‘It must be a hoax.’
‘Let’s not go to the police. If he was alive, it would be easy to prove – he could speak to one of us so we knew for sure it was him. There are so many ways of doing it. FaceTime, whatever. It’s so easy to make contact these days. The more I think about it, the more ridiculous it is. I agree with you now. I reckon this is an imposter. Somebody’s idea of a sick joke.’
‘But who? Who would want to do this to us, and why?’