Freddie’s text arrives first thing. She smiles at his keenness.
Fancy eating out tonight?
She spends a moment looking at his profile photo, sunglasses hiding his brown eyes, and the crooked grin that makes her want to smile too. Hint of stubble on his chin. The sea is in the background and she wishes she was there with him now.
I’d love to.
No exclamation marks, no kisses, keep it simple.
I’ll choose somewhere and let you know details later?
Great.
She crosses that out. She doesn’t want to over-enthuse.
OK.
Her body feels light this morning, as if she is floating. It’s funny how having given herself permission to act on the desire she has refused to acknowledge for so long, it feels as if a weight has been lifted. She’s always felt the weight of her past like a stone in her stomach, assuming it to be the situation with Tom, which wasn’t about to go away any time soon. That situation intensified with the anonymous letters, but everything has changed now that she knows she has a future and is looking forward to it. She’s realistic enough to know that this situation with Freddie may not work out, could fizzle out before it’s even got going, but she’s about to step onto the stage and play her part, instead of hiding away and letting the understudy take over.
Once the children have set off for school, she runs upstairs to check the builders’ progress. Light pours in through the dormer window of the room that will soon be her bedroom. How soon is what she wants to find out. Last time she checked, only one wall had been painted; today, the whole room looks as if it’s been given at least one coat. Pete told her that once the painting is finished, the job will be more or less complete. She stands in the middle of the room and marvels at the space she will soon have to call her own. The room is twice the size of her current bedroom, and she hopes to make new memories in this one. She’s never been able to forget that her current sleeping place is the one she shared with Tom. She hugs herself, sending thanks to her grandmother for making this possible. Could a new start really be on the horizon – and possibly a new relationship?
She checks the bathroom before she goes back downstairs, to see whether that room has been painted too. Grey tiles cover half of the wall space, so there isn’t much to do in here. The new shower cubicle is fresh and shiny, and the huge shower head promises a satisfying experience. She turns to check the wall behind her, where a large mirror has been placed above the neat round sink. She grabs hold of the basin when she sees the mirror. Red writing covers it, huge letters spelling: GET OUT.
Her body shakes as if she’s in shock. A juddering runs right through her. She grips the sink tight and tries to make sense of what is in front of her. She touches the red G with a shaking finger, recognising the texture of lipstick. Heidi flashes into her mind; she was here last night, but Rachel was with her the whole time. She wants it to be Heidi, because that she could deal with, but logically she knows it can’t have been her. This means someone has been in her house, someone uninvited. And why do they want her to leave? What does this mean?
She goes next door to see if Deborah is in, not caring what her neighbour thinks of her sudden interest in her CCTV. She’s not there, and reluctantly Rachel heads back to her own house. The builders aren’t coming today. She takes a photograph of the mirror but leaves it untouched, unsure exactly what to do about it. Should she report it to the police?
Freddie has booked a table at Nero’s. It’s normally one of her favourite Italian restaurants, but tonight a ball of anxiety sits in her throat and she’s unsure if she’ll be able to eat. She spent the day cleaning the house, eventually going back upstairs to wipe the mirror. She doesn’t want the children to see it. It takes her ages to get ready, trying on dresses she hasn’t worn in ages, surprised to see she has lost weight, which narrows down her choice. There is only one that doesn’t make her look like a sack of potatoes. It fits perfectly around the waist, whereas before it was a little too snug, so this is the first time she’s worn it.
She and Freddie arrive at the same time. He kisses her cheek and they follow the waiter to their table. They decide on a wine and put in their order. Ordinarily conversation flits between them with the steady rhythm of an equal tennis match, reminding Rachel how it used to be in the early days with Tom, when they had so much to say to each other and not enough time. Tonight she forces herself to focus. Freddie is wearing a beautifully cut white linen shirt, with straight trousers and grey lace-up brogues. Long-forgotten desire surprises her, and she drinks from her wine glass to hide the sudden flare in her cheeks.
The waiter delivers their meals while Freddie is telling her a funny story about his day. Rachel looks at the plate of risotto in front of her and picks up her fork, swallowing hard. Freddie stops talking.
‘Are you OK?’
She puts her fork down. ‘I’m so sorry, I can’t concentrate.’ She tells him about the writing in the bathroom and shows him the photograph.
‘When do you think it happened?’
‘No idea. The builders were in yesterday for most of the day, but they’re on a different job today. Presumably it was fine when they left, which was around four.’
‘And the children, have you asked them?’
She shakes her head. ‘Not yet. I don’t want to worry them. Josh is tied up with the play he’s doing at his drama club – he’s really into it at the moment.’ She touches the table. ‘He’s a happy little boy most of the time and I don’t want to unsettle him. And as for Lara, well, she has enough to worry about. She’s been stressed about her maths, and…’
She blushes and curses her body as she has thousands of times before. She’s grateful she left her silk scarf on to cover the pink blotches on her neck that appear whenever she’s in the slightest discomfort.
‘I’ve possibly done something stupid. Last night somebody was in our house helping Lara with her maths. The thing is…’ She fiddles with her hair. ‘You’re going to be surprised, but it’s Heidi.’
‘Heidi!’ Freddie almost spits his wine out. ‘How did that come about?’
Rachel explains. ‘I gave her a tour of the house, which I wasn’t exactly comfortable about, but she was with me the whole time. She had no opportunity to nip upstairs and vandalise the mirror. She didn’t go to the bathroom, and I didn’t leave the room.’
‘It can’t have been her, then, although it’s a bit of a coincidence, you have to admit.’
Rachel nods. ‘She’s really helping Lara, and Lara likes her. It’s making a real difference to her mood.’
‘Does she remember her?’
‘Not at all. She knows who she is, but has no memories of that time whatsoever. In a funny way, I think it makes her feel closer to her dad, as she doesn’t remember much about him either and I know she wishes she did. She keeps his photo by her bed, and we talk about him, though not often, because it isn’t easy for me either. I just feel it’s important to answer any questions she may have.’
‘Aren’t you worried she might ask Heidi questions when you’re not around? You won’t have any control over what she tells her.’
‘I’m always there with them. I wouldn’t let Lara see her alone, or outside of the house. It’s all under control. Besides, it’s not a regular arrangement. Lara would like it to be, but I’m stalling.’
Freddie is frowning. ‘I still think you should be careful.’
‘I get that, but Tom isn’t coming back, Heidi and I both know that, and we both feel cheated by the not knowing. We talked about it and it helped, actually. I can’t help thinking that we might even be able to find out where he is if we work together.’
‘Seriously? I don’t want to be patronising, but if the police didn’t get anywhere…’
‘I thought you’d be on my side.’
‘I am.’ He sighs. ‘I just don’t want you to get your hopes up by stirring it all up. And I’m worried about the vandalism.’ He takes her hand. ‘I know you don’t want to hear this, but the chances are he’s no longer alive.’
She pulls away, as if stung. ‘I’ve never believed that.’
‘I get it, but it’s a possibility; you know it’s what the police thought at first. Even if they didn’t spell it out to you, they certainly did to me. I’m worried about you. I don’t want you to get hurt. And how much do we really know about Heidi? Just be careful, that’s all I’m saying. And if you are going to embark on an investigation, then I want to be in on it.’
‘It’s hardly an investigation. And it’s not because I want him back, it’s just to know what happened. I want you to understand that. And thanks, that means a lot.’
‘You mean a lot to me, Rachel, you must know that by now.’
She stops herself from smiling too broadly. He’s put her hopes into words. She has sensed he feels the same about her, but when she’s away from him, she begins to doubt. She has so much baggage, after all. He takes her hand again, and this time she lets him, and her skin tingles.
After a moment, she eases away. ‘There’s something I have to tell you,’ she says. ‘About Tom. I can trust you, can’t I?’
‘Of course. I’ve known you for years.’ But he hasn’t, not really. Her sister is always telling her she’s too trusting.
She is just about to speak when the waiter appears with the dessert menu. She’s barely touched her meal. She shakes her head absent-mindedly.
‘Coffee?’ Freddie asks. ‘I’m having one.’
‘OK.’ Maybe it’s best to hold off from telling him about her reconciliation with Tom for now. She has no idea how Freddie will react, and she doesn’t want to drive him away.
‘What did you want to tell me about Tom?’
‘It’s not so much about Tom, more about you really. I just wanted to say that it must have been hard for you to keep the business going – and you’ve done so well. I feel bad for not knowing what a hard time you were having. Especially as I’ve taken over Tom’s share. You were so kind to me.’
‘It wasn’t the easiest time. I had to invest more money in the business, but I figured it was worth it. We’d put so much into it by then, and not knowing what had happened to Tom made the decision even harder. I had nothing else to fall back on and it kept me busy. Gave me something to focus on.’
‘I wish you’d told me.’
‘I was trying to protect you.’
‘That makes me sound pathetic.’
‘Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ve done well too – look at your amazing children. I’ve always admired you. That’s why I found it hard to condone Tom’s behaviour. Throwing away such a wonderful woman.’
‘Stop it.’ Rachel can’t help smiling.
‘Two coffees.’ The waiter serves the coffee along with the bill.
Outside the restaurant, Freddie takes Rachel’s hand as they walk. He sees her into her car and she winds down the window.
‘You’ll have to come for dinner at the house sometime,’ she says. ‘Meet the children. Although I have to warn you, Lara is already trying to matchmake us.’
He laughs. ‘I knew that girl had taste. I’d love to.’
‘It won’t be for a while, though. I’d rather wait until the builders are out of the way.’
He walks away and then turns back. ‘Be careful,’ he says.
‘About the builders?’
‘No – well, I guess you should always be careful. You might want to think about strengthening the security on your house. Do you have a burglar alarm?’
‘No.’
‘Give it some thought. I actually meant be careful about Heidi.’
‘I will.’
‘She might have an agenda, worming herself into your life.’
‘Heidi’s OK. It was me who contacted her, remember.’
She watches him cross to his car before she drives off. His words are making her wonder. Heidi isn’t the only one who suddenly came back into her life. Freddie’s call came out of nowhere. It thrilled her at the time, but is she too trusting of him? After all, he was the closest person to Tom aside from the two women in his life. Cold air blows in through the open window.