Seven years earlier
Now that he had time to look back, it was easy to see that the new romance was a distraction. All those endorphins whooshing through his body swamped the little niggles that had started creeping into his mind with increasing frequency. They enabled him to focus on the new object of his attention – Heidi – and push any uncomfortable thoughts back into the filing cabinet to look at later. A drawer he hoped would stay firmly locked.
Inevitably the gloss wore off his new infatuation – as was perfectly normal – and once he’d made the decision to set up home with Heidi, he was forced to confront reality. He was in serious financial straits.
He opened the window near his desk; he wasn’t cold, but the atmosphere in the office was thick with the tension between him and Freddie. How could it have got this bad? Long gone were the days when they’d break for coffee and banter, laughing at each other’s jokes, feeding off ideas each would spark in the other, their vision for the company growing. Not only was the business faltering, Tom’s personal life was also causing angst between the two of them.
Freddie looked up from his computer as if sensing Tom was thinking about him, glancing away quickly when their eyes met. Tom stood up, taking a deep breath.
‘We need to talk,’ he said. ‘Pub after work?’
‘I can’t.’
‘I won’t put this off any longer. You’re not happy, I can see that. If we’re going to continue working together, something has to change. I can’t stand this atmosphere. One quick drink, that’s all.’
‘Fine.’
Three hours later, they were in a booth in their preferred pub, both grateful for the babble of conversation and the background thrum of music, the convivial atmosphere a complete contrast to the cold office they’d left behind. Tom paid for two pints and downed a huge mouthful before carrying them back to the table.
‘What do you want to say to me?’ Freddie asked. He was holding himself awkwardly, as though awaiting an interview.
‘I miss you.’
‘I’m still here. It’s not me that’s changed.’
‘I know you don’t approve of me leaving Rachel for Heidi, but it’s happened. Do you think you’ll ever be able to forgive me? If we can’t move on from this, then we have a problem. I dread going to work at the moment, and you don’t look too thrilled to be there either.’
‘How could you do it to Rachel? She’s in bits, and the children need so much looking after at that age. Are you really sure about Heidi? I’m worried you’re caught up in this passion and it will fizzle out and you’ll be left regretting what you’ve given up.’
Tom holds his head in his hands. ‘I hate what I’ve done to Rachel.’ He sips at his beer. ‘But I’ve fallen in love. I didn’t ask for it. Hasn’t that ever happened to you? Hit you out of the blue and kicked your legs from under you?’ He picks up the beer mat and squeezes it in his palm. ‘I tried to fight it, honestly I did.’
Freddie sighs. ‘It’s just such a mess. I’ve always been great friends with both of you, and I can’t stand seeing Rachel look so unhappy. And you’re right, work is not a great place to be at the moment and I’ve no right to be so judgemental. You’re still my mate, I just don’t like your behaviour. Let me buy you another pint.’
Things improved slightly for a while, but their relationship wasn’t the same. Lara had mentioned ‘Uncle Freddie’ on one of their visits, and he suspected his partner was being more of a friend to his wife than to him. Weirdly, he was grateful that she had someone to lean on, even though he himself had nobody to confide in.
The Freddie problem became dwarfed by his desire to appease Heidi, not wanting to be a failure in both his relationships. The way he’d found the deposit for the new house she had set her heart on had been keeping him awake for weeks, weighing on his mind. Paying the business back was going to take a lot longer than he’d first thought, and the auditors could pay a surprise visit at any time. He’d had a shock too when he opened his credit card statement. Heidi had been ordering furniture for the new house and the card was almost at its limit. The minimum repayments were a considerable amount. Last time he’d suggested she was being too extravagant, she’d gone into a sulk for days, answering him in monosyllables and turning her back on him in bed. Rachel had concerns about Lara, who’d been having nightmares since he left, and Josh was impossible to settle at night. Something had to give, but he couldn’t decide what, his feet sinking deeper and deeper into the mud.
Late at night, he’d begun to imagine a scenario. He’d pack up his suitcase, just the essentials he needed, plus his driving licence and his passport. He’d borrow one last instalment from the safe, enough to hire a car. Then he’d get on the motorway and drive, see where he ended up. Each night his imagination grew more vivid, adding details: changing his name, a different career, a whole new life. What about his children, though? The thought of leaving them was a physical pain, and he doubted he could go through with the plan.
But what if he had no choice?