Foreword

At the heart of every online relationship is an adrenaline rush. A thrill is knowing your certain someone waits inside a hidden email account.

Life changing promises flow free. As friendship turns into personal disclosure, doorways open. Boundaries cease to exist. Together you have co-created the perfect online contract. Nirvana indeed exists . . . at your fingertips.

Yet curiosity has a price. When expectations are met with empty promises. When commitment falls through with no return. When you decide you no longer want to be this person's secret. What do you do?

Read the real life encounters of one OnLine Lover. Follow in her footsteps towards answers hard won. Be advised that this book contains erotic adult content.

 

To My Readers

Are you privileged to be among a most unique blend of folks unimaginable? This social class interacts primarily in the domain of the internet world. Social networking is not new. Even this type of online pursuit is not unorthodox. And, there is one driving force. That is millions of us seek to find our soul mate online.

Since the onset of online dating services there is a whole social culture that has spawned. It is a class of distinction, much like wearing designer clothes. Online Lovers are a special breed of audience. Seeking love online comes with its gambles and payoffs. A quest can be rewarded in a variety of ways. With a casual encounter, seeking creative adventures, or perhaps to find a lifetime mate.

Online Lovers is written by a formerly naïve fifty something woman, namely me. My fingers discovered this online world much by accident, more by fate, and largely out of curiosity. Here I will openly share my ripe testimony and experiences. Why? To tell you what I took away: all my lessons learned.

Readers please entertain yourself; laugh, cry, and see yourselves inside familiar scenarios. When this book is done it is my hope that you will be given many ideas to take home and use.

All names were changed, however the events are very real. If you find yourself described in one such scenario, I would personally like to thank you for contributing to this book.

 

OnLine Lovers

 

The Online Motivation

Loneliness. Seeking a mate. Finding a cheap thrill. All are reasons why I began looking online for friendship. Curiosity and wonder that provide stolen moments of pleasure were temptations. But, the idea of looking at others secrets were intoxicating.

 

Craigslist (CL) is fun. Sometimes it is actually amusing. Anyone will agree, because anything goes. I've used CL since it's inception and have sworn by it. To unload things I’ve sold all sorts of perfectly good sh*t to the buying public.

 

CL use to be a good gig until folks started spamming, listing hoaxes, and turned into no show flakes. But, for awhile it was decent. Probably still is considering the given situation. Ask me later.

 

People told me about m4w, w4m, and misc. romances. So my curiosity got me to wandering. To the far left column. Occasionally I'd sneak a peak. For fun of course. Then I'd run back to the safety of the classifieds as if caught with my hand in the cookie jar. The temptation was insufferable. Then occasionally my eyes and fingers would travel back to forbidden fruit.

 

I would read in awe what people, both—men and women, heterosexuals, bisexuals, gay and lesbian, wanted in a mate. Everyone was seeking some—thing. Yes, they coveted love. And, here the merits of a perfect partner waited to be revealed. Inside electrons and cold, rigid displays of computers, anticipation waited. At times it was for a hook-up. In my day we called it the one-night-stand.

 

Others were looking for advice. A sympathetic ear. To a couple ads I began responding. I had logical opinions, plenty of life experience, so why not share a perspective. Sometimes people just want to be told what they already knew. Either way, they were grateful.

 

One person had a ridiculously silly poem. Since that point, this poem has been around the world and back. But at that time I had to write and ask if this person was the author. This non author was a man. We began corresponding and over several months time we grew to know each other pretty well.

 

What we both got was we enjoyed the attention of the opposite sex. You know how is goes. Are you married? How many kids you got? Where do you live? What do you do for fun? Blah, blah, boring. Really for the most part you want to skate right through to get to the meat of who this person is and what they can offer you.

 

Then there comes that day when you start the real connection: What went wrong with your last partner? Why did he or she leave? Was there infidelity? What happened in your relationships? Humans only seemed interested in the dirt. I'm no exception.

 

However, I crave info that goes one step beyond. I want to know: what a person learned from their relationships. It's the teacher in me. It also shows me the depth and type of character that I am conversing with. To take an event and learn a bit of something from this event shows a person has curiosity and backbone. That merits fiber.

 

Anyway, this man; I'll call him “Terry”. It was very apparent to me, WE would never BE, even for a fling. He was nice enough to keep as a friend. But that was it. Eventually we met. Yes we actually did. I was on a road trip and dropped by his town. We met. Upon first meeting we didn't even shake hands. Kiss or hug? Nope. Truthfully? Terry, well, he grossed me out. He was unkempt, in poor health, and overweight. This screamed of someone who had issues.

 

Nonetheless I valued our friendship and I am dog loyal to those who befriend me. And I would have hugged him. Really, it's true. But Terry would have to make the first move. He didn't.

 

Anyway, straight up Terry pissed me off. He showed up 30 minutes. How rude is that? I lived 5 hours away. Him only 15 minutes. Red Flag. Next day it was the same. 20 minutes pass due. We weren't 'an item' and had no chance of that, so I let it pass.

 

I guess it is my issue that I think being that late is disrespectful. Anyway, we did have a good time. Terry showed me around town and took me to lunch. Our final good-bye was flat, emotionless. We never touched.

 

I continued to write my friend when I got home. I never heard from him again. Guess he figured, “What's the point?” True. But I just don't throw away friends too soon. That is also my problem.

 

Online Lovers we weren't. The potential was never there. Not for me anyway. Perhaps he held out hope. I guess people don't want friends unless it serves them. Especially guys hunting girls. That's okay too. I just have an issue about staying in touch with a friend. In the end Terry was probably smarter than I. Continuing a relationship that was never to be, even as friends, was pointless.

 

What did I learn from that encounter? That you can learn a whole lot from writing someone. If you are both reasonably educated and know how to articulate words, then you'll read their storybook. Online provides an anonymous portrait of who you—or they are. Rejection is minimized. You save a bunch on dates. Why waste time if it is not to be? You can paint and control the perimeter of the type of relationship you seek. You can be incognito. The world is at your finger tips. What a smorgasbord! It's a thrill. It's an emotional high when another person wants to spend their time chatting with you. It smacks: you are special to me. And who doesn't want that elation?

 

There is a flip side. The human connection. As you become vested, your emotions drive you. What you say, how you say it, when, where, etc. You begin projecting who you are to this “OnLine Lover”. You paint a pretty picture and then some. Dare you get rejected. An online rejection is devastating. I know. Save that for another chapter.

 

An online friend can tell half-truths. Or a downright lie. They can be married, in prison, otherwise inaccessible, and say not. Without the face2face contact a person never fully knows what is fact from fiction. Body language is 90% of communication. That speaks loud. People may actually change their lives for better, or worse. Feelings hide behind email encounters. Fragile emotions, online, are just as vulnerable. People get hurt. Disillusionment results when your online lover rejects you. A human's basic instinct to breed and belong is all consuming. And it drives us forward as we open yet another online ad.

 

From this experience I learned that we are all seeking....life partners, friends, lovers, casual sex, group sex or other. I wanted a man's perspective. And his friendship. I got both. Yet, I didn't stop there.

 

I should tell you upfront, at this time I was very married. About 33 years worth. Shame on me? I didn't believe I crossed a line. Yet. I was dying inside. My marriage was dead. We got together when we were babies. He was my soul mate. I thought. And, for the rest of my life I had hoped. Turned out we had 2 marriages. The first one for about 15 years B.C. That's Before Children. Then life got hard. This is not the time and place to spill my marital woes. We all have them. Simply put we became 2 separate people walking our own paths.

 

In any event I found myself living life as a single because he was preoccupied with his hobby cars. Even though I pleaded, sadly there was no room for “US” anymore. Hadn't been for years. Communication was nil. I discussed. He didn't talk. Counseling? Nadda. Zilch. It was difficult, no next to impossible, to have a relationship. Our life isolated me. I needed validation. I wanted male companionship. My career and family life was full, yet I was adrift without a raft, much less a boat. I carried a happy face, but this didn't sway my world as it worsened.

 

And, so after Terry I continued to write a couple other men. They too lived afar. This kept me safe. One wanted to hit the hay pronto. We wrote for a bit. I wanted to know what made him tick. He had an Asian wife who he said did not like sex. How did he put it? She didn't understand the need for human fornication. Hogwash. Unless one is a Eunuch, everyone gets the biological urges. I suspected the wife made him a kept man. Didn't sound like his work life was too demanding. Or that he worked, much. In retrospect he was a playboy. Period.

 

Anyway, this guy said he had a long term relationship with another gal. He was looking for someone to fill her shoes. Apparently, the gal's husband got a job elsewhere, so bye-bye pussy. This person was interesting, but his language and reasoning didn't sit well with me. Too self serving. After I asked for his pic and sent him mine, we never emailed again.

 

After a time or two it doesn't take much to know exactly who you are attracted to, or not. There is an online feel for the “game”. The words your significant other picks to use in his/her ad are tip offs. Perhaps their sense of humor relates well with you. Maybe it's their flirting style. Our online encounters mirror who we want- or need to meet at that time in our dating speculation.

 

For instance, there was a very nice guy that I had a long term chat with. Married forever like me. But, sex with his wife was missionary, lights out, under cover. Endlessly boring. He was seeking a fun ride. Our emails were playful, amusing, and honest. He was seeking to recover his soul mate. 10 years prior he found her. Lost his heart, but made a choice to remain loyal to his family. I offered to meet him (as friends) as I drove through his town on occasion. Never would hear from him, until much later. Some men like the thrill of the hunt. The titillation of the attention. They dream. They don't DO.

 

Oh, and there was that cowboy from the outback. Said he liked to get- and give oral. Whoa there. Had to check him out. He serenaded me morning and night for a week or two. Then I sent my picture and the coyote call stopped. Most guys don't like short hair. They have no idea what they are missing. Or they get a picture in their head straight up about how someone should look. Never no mind.

 

There may have been others. Can't remember. Probably not as I'm a loyal dog that likes to mate for life. Anyway, why complicate things. I had a marriage to get out of and I didn't need to add another human to that stress. Or did I?

 

The Surprise

After a few email entertainments, one night I again found myself perusing CL classifieds. The m4w and Misc. Romance section. I was far from home, looking in another state. Distance was a safety net.

 

I crossed a title “Looking for a friend and a lover”. Nothing to unusual about that. So I looked inside. The wording was short and sweet and much like other ads that I read. This person sounded more (than less?) sincere. Don't know why but I sent a note in response. My note read:

Hi! I'm in same situation. Where in E. Oregon are you? Tell me more about yourself.

Within a day I got back a note from “John Carter”. I sent back another short note.....

Hi John,

What does NSA - mean? Sometimes I don't get these acronyms!

Wow, blankity-blank is way out of my range of travel :-(
Well, good luck to you...if you want to chat on here that's fine too.

Ann

 

To this day I'll never know why I added on that last line, ...if you want to chat on here that's fine too. Obviously, it was an invitation to keep our conversation going. Probably I was prompted from beyond this 3D world. Intuition is like that.

 

John and I started our friendship out on great terms. He—his emails was not worded like the others. There was a genuine quality. John was sincere, honest, and forthcoming about himself, his life, and world. He did not play games. He was nice, totally decent. Even sent me pictures right off, as I held back in caution. I had found a true pen pal to correspond with.

 

For the next month I looked forward to my In box. Almost daily there were notes from John. I love to write and began crafting John extensive notes about my life. There is one thing great about email and that is you can detect the intelligence and education level in how well someone writes. John and I were on par. John was an excellent writer. Over the months that followed, I saw his world painted by his words.

 

As we weaved our way through the niceties of childhood, family and marriages John and I found parallels inside our lives. We were both born in Seattle, and moved away at approximately the same time even though John is 5 years older. Our Catholic heritage now turned spiritual coincided.

 

Both roots although blended ran back to Ireland. We both wear glasses. Me far sided with a left eyeball that is lopsided. John was near sided with a misshapen right eyeball. Over the course of our friendship discovery after discovery became uncanny.

 

From our spiritual to our political views to our philosophies around living in harmony with nature we unfolded many facets of how alike we were. It was not that either of us were desperate to belong. We were both mature adults that had lead independent, yet very married lives. Neither of us were indebted to the other to continue our conversations, but we did. We had set the groundwork for a relationship that was honest, open, fun and endearing.

 

The natural outcome to writing someone that becomes a dear friend is disclosure. Extreme disclosure. When two humans establish and declare their affinity for one another they reach a certain crossroads. Trust is a given. Kinship is an outcome. A dedication of loyalty that goes beyond time and space remains. Almost a rule of conduct, this code is unwritten. This is what separates just friends and lovers. And this is what happened to us.

 

I don't know the exact moment I realized that I was falling for John. But there were several turning points. Once we both opened up about our marriages, our conversations took a turn.. We learned incredible things about each others lives.

 

I had men friends in my life, but nothing like this. John felt likewise. Here was someone that understood me and my perspective. It was validating. Within months no subject was off limits. None. It was incredible to 'talk' to someone and be appreciated and listened to. John responded with like-kind letters.

 

For both of us, the timing of our union was serendipitous. Unconditional listening lacked in our marriages. Having an audience for our writings was another. What we were lacking in our home lives, our reciprocal emails gave back. We had both endured a 30+ marriage fraught with almost identical issues. Quite frankly we were exhausted. Our spouses seemed to line up as an exact match. We often joked that we should set them up together.

 

On one of my writing sprees I pulled a big disclosure. I told John of my bipolar and how it affected my life and marriage. A whole heap load of hurts were piled inside that email. In turn John wrote me back the most incredible love letter. He had been married prior to this now wife. He described his life with wife number one as ideal. Almost. They possessed a life of passion and commitment. Reading about this slice of his life of nirvana, I became enamored. John and his first wife had been deeply in love. And then he told me: that his first wife had been bipolar. I was floored. What were the odds that the universe would line up another coincidence?

 

Bipolar had been a huge wedge in my marriage. Yet, John had learned to revere this disorder. However, life with wife #1 did not last. Bipolar was too new to them and it was something that went astray. This condition went unchecked and ultimately caused his marriage to fail. John stated that he lost his wife to the affections of another man. They had married quite young, so assuredly there were other factors in the mix. There always is.

 

Our conversations grew in depth and breadth. From taking this road less traveled to stretches of new back roads. After all these years, I now read from another man that I was okay, despite my bipolar. And quite possibly because of it. John was able to revisit a happier time from his youth. On many levels I probably was reminiscent of John’s first wife. Especially when it came to passion, love, and sex. This glued John to my side. Daily our emails flourished. It was measuring up to be an incredible journey.

 

At this time, even with most all of our cards tossed on the table we still held back the wild card. We were not yet sexually intimate on line. Plus, there were still more revelations to come.

 

I have always been sensitive. Meaning I could feel unseen energies. I have been this way since childhood. Having bipolar may have enhanced this gift. However, as I have aged my sensitivities have grown. I don't consider my abilities necessarily special. Any more so than the many others folks. Living in the path of the heart, puts a person in the position of hearing beyond. During this current age many humans are becoming enlightened and aware of other dimensions. It really is not a far stretch of ones imagination.

 

Along with this competence of spirit there is another old soul aspect. The ability to cross boundaries of universal laws. Specifically remote viewing, out of body experiences, and soul travel. You are probably thinking that this loony author is turning a book about OnLine Lovers into a psychic journal. Well, this book would not exist except for the incredible story that was written with my lover and myself.

 

We went on an email adventure that far surpassed either of our expectations. So unbelievable in fact I could not have made our story up by myself. I don't have that kind of imagination. Neither did John. Given time we both recognized we had the making to an incredible set of books.

 

So why is the book hiding in pieces inside this one? Well, to publish our story it is prudent to have both authors permission. That is the honorable thing to do between friends. Also, since John is still indentured to his life I do not want to cause embarrassment to him or his family. Someday John may step forward to publish our risque memoirs.

 

As of now the world may not be ready for such truths. I am not sure I want to let go of such highly personal escapades. This slight soul journey and recollection of tidbits will have to serve homage to what has been. In the meantime readers of this book will have to trust what is said to be true. And to read between the lines.

 

The Gift

John and I wrote from Sept 2009 through about February 2011. We both invested a great deal of time writing, responding, learning, loving, laughing, sharing, hurting, wanting one another. In the end being grateful for our time together was all we were gifted with.

 

John's story gets top billing here. It illustrates a typical emotional swing in an online relationship. Our online experience was intense. Every bit as serious as a face to face romance, except there was no body to touch, lips to kiss, or arms to hold me. Our passions were so great and consuming. We got so caught up in our own story that we were actually professing our love to one another online!

 

Seems a silly thing to say, but we would tell each other repeatedly, “I love you”. At the time it filled a void inside each of us. These simple words that validate oneself were not heard inside our marriages. So to have these words whispered even inside an email meant a great deal.

 

Over the year plus that we spent in email heaven, I began to recognize the endowments John bestowed upon me. John left me with numerous achievements. First he restored the Goddess in me. Somehow during my marriage I lost the feminine part of myself. I did not have validation or human affection from my husband for years. I all but died. It is true that I did not need John to restore my self confidence in this arena. Yet it was John who reawakened me to what was deprived. Sometime you don't know what you have lost until someone points it out.

 

Bipolar had always been a huge issue in my marital relationship. There were stigma hurdles we never got past. I was/am a fully functioning person that raised children, had professional careers, and carried on a 'normal' life. My friends always pointed out that I was the most 'normal' person they knew. Yet, when I wanted to address marital problems, bipolar became the scapegoat. This was a major stumbling block. A primary factor that determined why my marriage had gone a drift so sadly.

 

John loved that I had bipolar. Instead of seeing this as a disorder, he believed bipolar as an endowment from heaven. He encouraged me to write. Together we dreamed about life's possibilities. Of course, our dreams did not happen. But, his vision had hope. Threads of a future that did not seem possible before, now had been given life. I was not totally naïve. Acknowledged, I was a conduit to an early life time that John wanted to reclaim.

 

Rather than be jealous, John should be allowed his brief encounters with yesteryear. He was excited. At the notion that perhaps he might to do it over. Here I was his second chance to get it right. In returned I was thrilled that John revered my bipolar. For the first time I could write about it freely without restraint. And as out there that some of my writings got, John was unwavering in his support. If he believed I needed to readjust my medications, he gently nudged from afar.

 

For the first time ever my bipolar was no obstacle. It was the catalysts for dreams. Never in my minds eye did I comprehend this possibility. In online heaven everything was possible. Forget obligations, spouses, bills, chores, work and mundane daily habits. Stolen moments found in the In box where nirvana, slicing of stolen Eden where time ran out at the end of the paragraph.

 

John's love for me was unconditional. Well, at least he said so. Of course I believed him. I wanted too. After a lifetime of boundaries that was liberating. Not knowing how to respond I wanted to run back to familiar territory, fall into old patterns. Letter after letter John reiterated that he wanted me to go and explore every avenue of what life had to offer, including other men. He was quite open. Wow! Eventually he said, when ready I would drift back his way.

 

How many lovers, online or not, give their lover complete immunity? Of course there is a surreal sense of reality about what is permitted—or not and who does what outside email land. Especially when that is where your life stays put; captured inside a billion electrons.

 

Yet, paradoxically we formed commitments, and expectations, strange as it sounds. When you are writing your lover every day you believe and live inside the words you write. That becomes your total relationship. Words link you to that other lover.

 

John was a passionate man. Not only in emails, but far more than what any imagination can conjure up. His assessment of us being old soul lovers from forgotten times didn't begin to describe our needs and wanting desires. Visually enticing words repeatedly teased me. Johns was a master of touching my mind erotically. For the first time in forever I was viewed as a sexual being. Someone handsome wanted me. What a rush.

 

Courage was never something that I believed I lacked. It was definitely an asset John endowed me with to act upon my divorce. It was almost as if that was the job he had come to make sure I’d complete. For once my separation and divorce was under way, John heavily retreated from my email line of sight. Would I have carried out my divorce myself? Yes. Although knowing someone else validated my decision was a god send to my ego. A counterbalance to my wavering sense of self doubt.

 

Acceptance Belonging, Happiness, and Learning about myself were all intended endowments. Basic thrills equaled terribly human, raw encounters. Belonging as a couple, something outside of my experience propelled my self worth back into the acceptable category. Albeit online, given enough letters there was much to be learned.

 

John gave me myself back, or at least parts of myself that had been long forgotten lost. Perhaps had we actually met and touched our relationship might not have the same intensity or desire. Truth be told many of his pictures did not immediately thrill me. A few did. But you know how it is. When you come to know a person’s soul, that is all that matters.

 

I have friends who have gone online to seek of their one and only. Each finds some opposing answer in their quest. One close friend says if nature intends for her to meet her mate, then he will be dropped on the street where she will find him. She won’t use the Internet for such purposes.

 

My sis went on line. The family was entertained with her bantering essays and more. After several weeks and phone contacts, she declared that it was way to much effort. Then in a flash-pan thought, my sis prompted me to try out online dating. Amusing barely covered her idea. If sis only knew my escapades on line!

 

There are 'success' stories out there. One of my good friends actually met her husband online. There is hope in cyber space. Guess there is no one shoe that fits all.

 

The Write Stuff

For all I know behind the most crafted word smythe, John could have been your average online creep. A petty thief. Or, he might have wove a tail of responsible family man so tight that even a shred of doubt would not be cast upon his character. He was legit. It was easy to tell because he was so genuine. And, given enough information eventually I was able to check out his work place and more.

 

And if we were ever to per chance meet in the 'flesh' as John would say, the truth of us would have become apparent. There is nothing like meeting in the physical to know if there is any physical attraction.

 

During our intense interludes there was no second guessing that if we had met, we would have continued our sexual story book. We had the hots for each other. Period. Our chance encounter, our online meeting was the plan of fate. Two of us, both who were murdered in our marriages, by abandonment had so much common ground. When we met secretly inside email, it was a sheer thrill.

 

Awaiting inside email our passion became a volcano of eruptions. Hot, steamy and flowing. Our writing reflected our desire for one another to the likes that even surprised me. Our words became our vehicle for lust. We created descriptively intense scenarios that would put any porno script to shame.

 

Highly personal and way too private we both remarked that our emails had built into one incredible storyline. But for now our story remains to be shared. Secretly, we each confessed of our deepest sexual desires. Then we exploited them into stories of how we would carry out our fantasies. With each other of course. Most of the time. Nothing was left to imagination. Nothing was off limits. And none of what we wrote got old. New twists topped old narratives. Addicted, we simply could not get enough.

 

Whether we could meet the challenges of what we wrote in person, was hard to say. There was a point in time that we both believed that upon meeting we would consume one another. Ravaged by passion we were sure we would sweep ourselves into oblivion.

 

Our souls bled through time and space to where we merged as one source—one soul. John actually said he could smell the essence of my fragrance that I wore during this time. This was intriguing as I never wore perfumes as a norm. Yet, during this period I covered myself in hand creams, soaps, sprays and incenses all of Lavender!

 

Our nightly soul travels continued for over a year. Unbelievable as it sounds we found ourselves in the comfort of each other nightly. Out of body experiences tend to take place when there is a physical or emotional trauma. John and I had suffered emotional and physical abandonment from our marital partners. Rather than seeking a quick, emotionless affair we held our psychological isolation inside our psyche. We are both passionate people that sought a meaningful attachment.

 

Consequently, our spirits escaped our physicality to be 'touched' if only inside nightly dreams. These declarations may sound preposterous, but the depth to which our souls were capable of metaphysically was credible. Especially when validation of our passions came the next day. Perhaps, someday sharing our story would help human consciousness to fathom reaches outside our dimensions.

 

If I were to meet John now would my urgency to mate be restored? Truly it is hard to say. If I were attached to another mate probably not. I tend to be one loyal b*itch to one master. Also as too much time passes, it wanes my desire for John. Sex is one of those human emotions that needs to be kept fresh to be retained alive. Once broken, old flames become old flames.

 

I do not know if my attraction to John was ever real. In the sense that we never physically mated we were not tangible in 3D. Yet, our emotions, our lust and passion for each other were very genuine. We were vested in our online relationship as any couple in 3D. There were reciprocal expectations and commitments aside from our immediate families. There were rules to our engagement that were not broken. This is an oddity due to the nature of our online capacity. Yet we lived a good portion of our lives thinking about the other. And that is why to the day I find it difficult to understand John's next steps.

 

If John were to appear one day before me I would have mixed emotions. I tend to carry a grudge when I believe I've been betrayed. I was abandoned in my marriage. And, as far as I'm concerned John did the same in our online relationship. Without warning during my darkest hours he left me. That is right, John disappeared. John absolutely knew this was a sensitive point for me; that of not knowing.

 

His own issues aside, there was absolutely no excuse for not dropping me a quick Dear John note. I deserved that. At the minimum. Especially since the bigger slap was that John found time to leave messages for a society he created on Facebook. Let's see > John stopped writing me, but he found time to write on Facebook! Odd that months early I asked him to get a FB account. No, he said he didn't have one. The evidence speaks for itself. Okay, there is something wrong with this picture. IT STINKS. John is a closet online lover that never had intentions to be found out.

 

The signs were there for months. He was starting to drift. His timing was horrid. I saw him abandoning me as other family fiascoes emerged, including a siblings death. And even after I told John my grief, which he acknowledged, never did he write in support again. Selfish pig was all I could think. Actions speak louder than words and in this case words were sufficiently loud.

 

The toughest thing for me to handle was that John could not close out our relationship. Instead he floated like a flake away. For over a year our friendship flourished and this is what I don't get? No good-byes. No thank you it's over. No explanations. Nothing. He knew that giving me his truth,, whatever it was, was all I wanted. I can handle the truth. Yet, John did not have the decency to give only a few words to me.

 

For a bit I speculated why. Maybe he had good intentions to get back online with me. That is why he left it open. Perhaps he went back into the womb of his wife, a much easier choice of life. Especially since she was the only one working, and he lost his job. That was mean. Anyway he was quite interwoven inside his extensive family ties. Understandable that he would not walk away. Perhaps there was too much shame around finding your own joy—his own happiness. Easier to settle? John was really a dreamer and started to admit it in his last emails. He had given up on his dream of us, or even of seeing if there was an us.

 

We never met even though there was ample opportunity. I was available. He copped out by choice. From the get go John had never intended to make good on his dreams. What is sad is that for being that miserable he does not seek a better peace in his life. Guess that is the difference between us. I dream and DO and John just dreams. And John is like most folks. They don’t pursue what they say they want. We would have never gotten along. John compromised himself to stay safe. Me? I wanted to breathe again. Find my joy. No compromises here.

 

That said, truly I do not regret one minute that I spent online with John. He taught me a lot about a lot. For a long time there was not one day I did not think about John. Yes, truly, I was that obsessed. And I could not let go of us. He made a huge impact on my life. He helped define me, my wants, and how I value others.

 

One of my girlfriends mused that John was my 'transition' boyfriend. She was right. I'm much more savvy to who and want I want out of any future relationship. John help remind me of what I won't tolerate. Sex clouds a relationship, and I let it obscure my judgment of John's commitments. Just because someone romances you once, even mind-f*cking you, it doesn't mean they can do so ongoing. I should never continued to allow my self indulgence either.

 

If we were ever to meet, mixed emotions would certainly penetrate me. Given enough time, however, I will feel nothing but affection for what we once had together.

 

Lovers Pet Names

It is typical that when you are a couple with a person, you attach each other cute nicknames. The term “With” in the online status world is relative. It forms an attribute that is neither here nor there. Yet, it makes us Online Lovers feel a sense of endearment. “Love” in endearing terms are another way we hold fast to what our interpretation or sense of ‘real’ is.

 

Nonetheless, all the atypical pet names begun to get used even in our written formats. So here it goes:

Honey

Darling

Sweetheart

Ugh.....Sh*t I can't remember anymore!

Is this sad? Or just a piece of growing up and away from an online relationship?

 

Now here was a new one on me. John introduced me to the term and concept: Anam Cara.

Let's default to the definition in Wikipedia (thank you!):

The phrase anam cara refers to a Gaelic term translated literally as "soul friend."
"The anam cara was a person to whom you could reveal the hidden intimacies of your life. This friendship was an act of recognition and belonging. When you had an anam cara, your friendship cut across all convention and category. You were joined in an ancient and eternal way with the friend of your soul."

This concept fit. Tight like a Tupperware top. So John and I adapted the terms Anam Cara for our pet names. John became Aron Anam, which used partial of his real name.

 

As Aron = teacher, and Anam = soul. So Aron Anam = teacher soul. My adaption was Cara Ann. Cara = friend and Ann = gracious. So Cara Ann = friend gracious.

 

We adopted other trivial pet names, however Anam & Cara became our main stay. Now there was one more twist in our story. John believed we were twin flames. A Twin Flame or Twin Soul, is believed to be the ultimate soul mate of its other half. A male's energy to its counterpart female energy.

 

Eons ago when we incarnated on earth each of us was stripped of our other half. We spend lifetimes either with- or in search of our soul mate. Once we finally connect up we have completed our cycle and get to go home.

 

This concept merits thought. Whether we are heterosexual, homosexual, lesbian, bisexual, it does not matter. In our primary state we each know we are basically male or female. As such we are constantly looking for the yin to our yang. Or, literally the other half of our soul. The thought here is that we only have one twin. Theory says after being split in two, each went their separate way.

 

This sounds painful, so why does this happen? We incarnate over and over (in past lives) to gather human experience before coming back together. Ideally, two twin flames can meet up once again in both of their last lifetimes on the earth. Thus they are rewarded by ascending together. Generally most of us have not had many lifetimes with our twin. Apparently when you meet your other half there is a resonance, or like-kind friction.

 

After John and I wrote and experienced a number of incredible old soul-energy feats he was convinced we were twin flames. Admittedly I love the idea of twin souls re-emerging to go home. Personally this planet makes me dog tired. The thought of a repeat performance does not sound enticing. I'd like to go home for good.

 

Yet, there were too many parallels in John and my lives that were a bit too uncanny to ignore.

~ ♥ ~ We both were born in Seattle; John lived in Alki until 10 years old; Me on Queen Anne until 5 years old at which time at the same approximate time we both moved away.

~ ♥ ~ We both lived across from our kindergarten/elementary schools.

~ ♥ ~ We both 'grew up' with Catholicism.

~ ♥ ~ We both 'grew up' in large families.

~ ♥ ~ We both last worked in a government education settings where we allowed[?] ourselves to become physically impaired in sort of the same manner. He got serious hernias. I had a mole removed—more like gutted from me. Both injuries required stitches on our abdomens.

~ ♥ ~ It is no coincidence John's first wife was bipolar. Therefore he understood my condition.

~ ♥ ~ We both sleep in a t-shirt and underwear/shorts . . . okay to much to know here!

~ ♥ ~ Our ideas on spiritually are a match.

~ ♥ ~ We LOVE nature, the mountains and all including the solace found within.

~ ♥ ~ We are gifted writers, finding and weaving words that inspire and give promise.

~ ♥ ~ We both like the same type of foods to eat. Things a chipmunk would eat.

~ ♥ ~ We both believe in the magic of the earth, the planets, and the infinite love of our Creators.

~ ♥ ~ John loved horses. I owned them.

~ ♥ ~ John is near sighted with a misshapen eyeball; I am far sighted, also with a misshapen eyeball.

~ ♥ ~ Our birthdays are 11 days apart. The number 11 equates with twin identities.

~ ♥ ~ Unreal in performance our 30 year marriages were a parallel. Otherwise we would not have found each other.

 

What are the odds of these coincidences?? Certainly, I like the idea of having my twin out there waiting for me. But, truly any twin of mine would have certainly made an all out effort to come meet me. No excuses.

 

You know we will never really know if we are soul twins, or not, unless me meet. That would be the first test. Then a birth certificate is needed, so we could check both our birth times. Although John said his time didn't get recorded on the county records. Astrologically the twin concept could be checked this way. However, even if we did meet and feel ‘the synergy’ the only truth would be once we both went home to heaven. Little chance of all this now.

 

From all that I have read most time soul twins do not incarnate together and if they do there is a higher purpose for humanity. Their union should not be romanticized because it is one of service and work.

 

The other thing is since soul twins are so very much alike there is friction. There is an immediacy to clear up past karma so twins can be of service to a higher humanitarian purpose. I'll tell you what if John and I should ever meet, we have some serious issues to clear up.

 

Look at us we met online because we were both in not-so-good of marriages. Right there that is not healthy. I am not ashamed for what I did. It was a choice. I had fun. Well, right up to the end.

 

And how do we know we are not NEAR twins instead of the REAL twins? Perhaps we both were put in place to help the other on their true path. In a world of 6 billion souls I am sure there are a million souls that cover this job just the same. Certainly a few million others have the same attributes as we do.

 

It could be that we are indeed TWINS but still our purpose was to set each other on own highest paths. Personally if that is the case I think that would be one bad ass cruel karmic joke.

 

Pause to wonder here. For John and I to find one another; and for us both to be closet writers with a timely message that is remarkable. Then for all the physical similarities we had this stands to merit more thought. Why did the universe line up so many coincidences? Fate intervened to bring us together and bring us lessons. Seems so tidy. Perhaps a reach through time will reveal more gifts for us both.

 

Dear God; I'm old. I want to go home. It's okay if John don't go with me. But can you put a good looking stand in; even a near or real twin, in his place? And, maybe that is IT too.

 

Perhaps it was only about the soul introductions that John shared with me. Per chance he planted seeds only in my psyche. Thoughts to help me on the path to who and where I am suppose to go. And, that is a very good deed, indeed!

 

Online Lovers Letters

There comes a time when Online Lovers write deep, passionate love letters. At least we did. Both of us are creative writers who liked to stretch the outer bounds of our sensuality. Some of our—rather MY emails are displayed here. After a couple knows each other explicitly there is one thing left to explore > our sexuality, namely erotica.

Neither of us had a captive audience prior to meeting. Therefore weaving words cleverly into intimately harrowing scenarios challenged our other half to follow suit. The thrill of validation was when the return reply landed in my In box.

What follows are some of the emails that I wrote to my Online Lover. Some show character and wisdom. A few tell readers how horny we got. A poem or two are written with style, actually have class. Some might share a lesson or a simple thought. One gives pause to wonder. And all lets one see into the whereabouts of my psyche. Consider this a Whitman's sampler of sorts.

Please read cautiously. Some of these writings are brutal pornographic. Remember perspective. These are only words strung together to enable your brain to complete the picture for your mind's eye. Enjoy!

~ ♥ ~ )O( ~ ♥ ~

SUBJECT: Pleasure Me

From: Ann

To: John Carter

Date: Tue, Oct 13, 2009 at 8:58 PM

Pleasure Me

I want to…..

Lick between your toes and suck on them.

Blow in your ear, then place my wet tongue inside.

Roam your neck and smell your aura essence.

Have your breathe upon my womb, your head upon my belly.

Your body molded to mine from behind, cupping my breasts, your stiff rod presses into my back. Take me from behind.

Your nose and lips buried into my neck, your breathing is of longing.

No words, just feel, intention, desire, teaching me by guiding me in what you need and want.

Your lips graze past mine teasing, barely touching.

Consume your aura being, completely devouring it a layer at a time.

Have your accomplished hands on my round ass pulling me into and down on your manhood.

Place the palm of your hand in the small of my back as I ride you.

Sense your lips brush by my ear yet say nothing.

Slide your beard (yes your beard!) up the calf of my leg while you hold it in your hands.

Your hot sweet tongue laps at my nipples, sucks hard, and flicks with your tongue.

Your lips encircle my belly button then lick inside, and press your cheek on top.

You to exhale hotly upon my inner thigh, teasingly nuzzle my vagina with your nose, then tongue.

Tease, and taunt, approach and retreat, and burn me with orgasmic desire, leave me wanting for more.

I want you to explore every orifice, curve, recess, mound, and appendage with your tongue, lips, hands, penis, toes, fingers, nose, eyes, ears....as I do the same in return....

I want us to climb out of our physical bodies and soar to the moon, stars and sun and not come back.

Love, Your Cara Ann

~ ♥ ~ )O( ~ ♥ ~

SUBJECT: I Always Thought...

From: Ann

To: John Carter

Date: Wed, Oct 14, 2009 at 10:02 AM

 

I Always Thought….

That a marriage should be a union of trinity: equal parts lover, husband, and best friend.

That a marriage should grow stronger with age and years as you become acquainted with the inner soul of your spouse. All those hurts, hidden secrets, insecurities, self made deficiencies, idiosyncrasies, and behaviors that your partner trusts you to see and know would bond you tighter, and not become a wedge.

That a marriage should be held sacred, and above all a sanctuary of refuge, hope, and eternal giving. That a man and a woman’s union should be the strongest link in a family unit, their love even comes before their love for their offspring, a product of their love.

That marriage was made for a man and woman to revel in their sexually without limits, judgments, restraints, shoulds, have toos, dos or don’ts.

That partners of this union could renew themselves daily with a small gesture of love. A touch, a kind word, a surprise, a love poem, or a look.

That each partner was equal—not placed above the other, but respected as the other.

That partners could say anything at all, communicate without having a door closed off, emotions sabotaged, but just listened too and validated for having human thoughts, feelings, emotions, wants, needs, passions, and desires, and encouraged to bear their souls.

That a marriage relationship is not about being jealous, controlling, possessive, demanding or restraining and above all never, ever manipulative or mean. That independence of a mate is nurtured, fostered then set free. Only then can two spirits become united as one.

That marriage is about 100% trust on all levels; physical, emotional, and spiritual. 

That marriage allows each partner to grow at different rates and when one person grows the other is not only happy for them, but joyfully delighted. And, this growth can be openly discussed without condemnation, or having the need to tether their partner’s spirit back. That two Anam Caras understand deeply that their own ascension helps soar their soul mates to a higher level too.

My dear Mo Anam Cara John, you give me hope that this actually exists.

~ ♥ ~ )O( ~ ♥ ~

SUBJECT: The 4 Codes

From: Ann

To: John Carter

Date: Tue, Oct 20, 2009 at 10:09 AM

The Four Codes

I give my heart and love to you so you may go.

I truly forgive all trespasses that I believed were intended to damage me.

         I understand now your spiritual gifts, your legacy you leave me with.

Our lives together was rich in purpose; in our growth, and in our Creator's children we bore.

I release your body, mind, and soul in its entirety. Do not look back, only forward, and only in the now.

Go with peace my friend. Go with Love.

~ ♥ ~ )O( ~ ♥ ~

SUBJECT: One Soul

From: Ann

To: John Carter

Date: Tue, Oct 27, 2009 at 10:16 PM

One Soul

Once in a sojourn, with the help of our Creator, a soul mate,
—an Anam Cara—is re-birthed.

This union couples male to female to reemerge as one.

Together this energy spontaneously ignites combusting into a single 'twin flame'.

No beginning and no end the two are now indissoluble.

No thought too redundant, no action to small.

Intimacies of the heart shared; the essence is truth.

Spirits become one body; both minds melt to soul.

Like a breeze sailing inside solar flares: eternal.

Liquid as the wind; liberated as astral dust: free.

Lingering reflections bridge, to create realities: new worlds.

Strength is sown in humiliation and exposure of weaknesses.

In the light of the Gods the flame grows deep.

The Goddess emerges potent as sage; femininity soars.

A foundation secured by Zeus blazes a new path.

This union bound by contract is now fulfilled.

Reciprocity owed to their Creator is honored, with delight.

The long journey home has begun.

~ ♥ ~ )O( ~ ♥ ~

SUBJECT: Laid Back

From: Ann

To: John Carter

Date: Mon, Nov 2, 2009 at 5:07 PM

Laid Back

Your body laid back, leisurely stretches out your full length upon the topside of my bed. My body rests beside you on my right side. We are head to toe. I lightly finger between your toes running up and down the valleys between each one. The tip of my index finger dances delicate circles across the top of your right foot, and then travels up around your ankle. Two fingers caress small loops at the joint where your lower leg meets your foot. With brushing strokes my fingers float across the length of your foot, to the tip of your big toe, and back again.

 

My face is near, so I scoot closer burying my nose into the tender bottom edge of your foot. Nuzzling into you, your male scent awakens me. Flipping and running my nose up then down the underside of your sole, my lips brush a touch at each up encounter. My lips part, my tongue emerges forward to contact skin. Saliva enables it to slip along your foot up to your little toe. My tongue finds a trail that traverses along familiar peaks and ravines. It slides up, over, down, then up again, repeating this journey and comes to rest at your big toe. My lips pucker open to expose the warm recesses that envelope your large toe mount inside. Softly suckling, wet and warm, you are buried deep inside. My tongue works its way around, over, under, and on top. The recesses of my mouth entomb you in juices. Pulling back slipping your appendage out, my lips break suction. A thread string of saliva continues to connect us.

 

I press my thumb into the bottom of your foot while grasping its side with my palm. The topside layers my fingers. Guiding your foot to the outside my cheek brushes along the inside of your arch. My breath is upon your ankles. My shoulders are now at your feet. My warm cheekbones now inch higher between the inside of your calves. My face burrows then parts your legs. My torso propels forward splitting your legs apart further. My hands slip behind your knee and drift up under your upper thighs. My lips graze and nibble from one inner thigh leg to the other, and back. My body positions itself in the valley of your legs. My arms beneath each thigh, wrap under your legs with my hands coming to rest, one cupping each buttock.

 

My nose and lips walk upon your soft flesh. You smell of hot, untamed, damp dog fur. I bury my nose between the folds of your scrotum and nudge, several times, like searching for a nipple. You become semi aroused. Planting my open lips, I kiss, offer a tongue stroke then latch on and suckle. Opening wide to engulf more skin my tongue works what it can back inside my mouth. Suctioned on, my mouth feeds delicately.

 

Your penis grows hard, long, strong. Natural animal moans escape from within. My mouth releases, nibbles randomly, until it begins its ascent. Riding on top of its tongues saliva, using the nose to follow scent, my open mouth travels over the ridges of your shaft, sometimes backtracking; yet always forging forth until my upper lip meets your engorged ledge. Gently I turn my head side to side running my upper lip up under your warm, firm ledge until it turns hot and thumps with need. I flip and scale my upper lip up and over.

 

Your ridge rests in between the crevasse of my lips. I open my lips and run my tongue up under and around the rim of your hard, rigid swollen head. More primitive groans unearth. As I rim your head I look up. Your nostrils flare. Your chest in heaves deep. Your eyes glazed over. And your torso tremors. In one swift lunge my mouth engulfs your entire penis head. I taste a trickle of your sweet, sticky cum. This fuels my hunger. I latch on embedding you down deep into my cavernous recesses. My mouth plunges your shaft into my bottomless pit, then I pull back sucking hard as if to pull out life. Over and over I ram, entombing your penis shrouding it in a pocket of warm moisture that pulsates and grips, then I pull back retracting almost to your head.

 

As my mouth ravishes your appendage, my tongue teases from inside. Simultaneously, independently it protrudes in, around, then retreats back. It curls around the helmet head top. It slithers under the hat rim and flicks its moist, ribbed, underside. Sucking, gulping down then back up, your juices well up in your shaft. An explosion is immanent. As semen rises up I retract my mouth back to the head of your penis. I pull back removing my warmth. You let out a breath, almost a cry of urgent need—a plea to continue. Our eyes lock. I nod a smile. You know that I’ve just said, “Not yet.”

 

My breath is warm upon your staff. You ache to have me inside. I wait and teasingly brush my lip across your erection. I nudge with my nose and blow with my breath. And you throb. Just as you begin to decline, I climb atop and swallow you whole again. Slowly, methodically repeating my last dance. Down deep inside, back up to the top, then rest my lips upon your eye. Down deeper, pulling back slurping to extract juices. Plunging sliding my full open tongue down your shaft your semen now rises strong. At the bottom I feed, gripping tight, sucking strong, your head is at the furthermost point at the back of my throat. Your abdomen bucks and plunging forward.

 

Your penis enlarges as semen fills the canal. Your fluids are unstoppable, surging forth, running to the topside, and erupts. Thick white syrup spurts into the receptive, waiting roof of my cavernous mouth. Warm, hot with life, your essence pours into me as I drink. Your explosions continue as I suck and swallow. Each suck, elicits another ejaculation. Your abundant nectars pour, fill, and ooze out of my full oral cavity. Seminal juices trickles down my chin and falls upon your belly. With a final heave you spray your final load into my ravenous mouth. You fill me. I cannot drink all of what you give.

 

Much of you now runs down my throat to my breasts. I savor our union and allow you to fill me until you are complete. I take your last secretions and hold you in my mouth as I pull back, retract, and seal off my mouth as I exit. Your contented spent shaft slips out to rest. My lower face, throat, and chest are sticky, wet. Your belly is warm with damp. I pull my arms out from underneath you, bring myself up, and straddle your torso.

 

I climb towards your face where we can meet eye to eye. As I look into your relaxed, grateful soul I press my lips to yours. I force your mouth open with the tip of my tongue and when it is wide and we are locked together, I release your sperm back to you and let you drink. You drink easily, eagerly, and then begin to consume me.

~ ♥ ~ )O( ~ ♥ ~

SUBJECT: The Gift

From: Ann

To: John Carter

Date: Tue, Nov 10, 2009 at 10:33 AM

My Anam, my Aron....I contemplated whether to send this or not.

The Gift

Our souls met in the Garden of Eden.

Our purpose was clear; our journey was of one.

We were both fertile with children, our love produced another.

The path long, wide, purposefully lay before us, we knew.

Thirty years has brought much life, learning, love, laughter, tears, and torments.

Yet we traveled as partners, shoulder to shoulder in step as one.

The road has risen, fallen, bent in directions that made us grow.

Through mountains we traversed, rivers we swam, valleys we rested.

We traveled with intention and meaning, nurturing children entrusted to our charge.

Guiding, always guiding these blessed souls then sent them off with their wings.

Our mission complete, ourselves left vacant, our paths went unsure.

At times our trek would find us wondering separate trails in search of our lost soul.

Many spurs diverted off our main trail, sometimes one would wander away.

Albeit at the days end we'd relent to recover our way back to the main path home.

The journey has grown long, more arduous, far from our Garden of Eden.

The path has turned sparse with foliage, the ground hard, cracked as a desert floor.

I’ve reached for your hand to find it gone; and talked to a misplaced heart.

You’ve chosen to divert to a well-worn path others have gone before.

I was unable to follow believing our original path still held truth.

Yet, at each day’s end you still returned home, resigned, carrying a burden.

You want freedom, and seek to find your soul. The path you have chosen is fenced off.

We have neared the end of our journey where a stop sign sits. It splits two distinct paths.

At the base of this stop sign sits a gift: a beautiful gold box wrapped with a single ribbon.

I raise it to my chest, untie the ribbon, it falls to the earth.

I lift the box top off to find a single black rose.

 

It’s petals silken, smooth, and soft; a long stem laddered with razor sharp thorns.

Carefully I pick up the rose. A thorn bites deep, sinking into my skin.

The petals wither back, decay, and one by one float to the earth, and disintegrate.

Pain surges through my finger, hand, arm, shoulder then grounds below to the earth.

This torn hole turns into a gash; a long, bottomless, irreparable, chasm.

Something like blood trickles –oozes out, winds around my wrist, down my shirt, running freely now, pouring down around my genitals, spiraling around my leg to the earth.

It is rot, diseased, vial, and laced with disease from your sexual sins.

I look over my shoulder. Your back is turned from me walking away on your path, alone.

Your passage has an iron gate across it. No trespassing it says. It is chained and locked.

I stand to ponder. My path is clear. No returning to once where we had traveled.

I cannot show you the trail now, you’ve grown your wings and you are gone.

~ ♥ ~ )O( ~ ♥ ~

SUBJECT: A Revelation

From: Cara Ann

To: Aron Anam

Date: Fri, Nov 20, 2009 at 11:21 AM

A Lesson in 3D

So another knowing, a simple one really that came to me this morning yet again in the shower. Yes, I do think of us in the shower, but most all mornings as I wash the dark of the night away and before the veil completely closes much information floods me that answers questions that my inquisitive nature has asked as some obscure point.

 

Lately I had been thinking: Why are Americans so obsessed with nakedness, fornicating, and all the various angles and positions, toys, and such related to the sexual act when it is so completely a natural thing? Media while condoning sexuality at the same time portrays it somewhat as taboo, only for the 'lucky' good looking few, and with an air of secrecy.

 

These ideas are polar opposites! Why has such an innate birth right become so ridiculously publicized with compulsion? And especially here in the U.S. when other countries place nakedness on television as an accepted way of life?

 

The revelation: The reason for this sexual obsession, possession, and constant media primping to the idea of the ideal sexual god(dess) is because of the society that man has created. Our tribes have invented a cult(ure) of mass controls, rules, regulations, regiments, and society standards that restrains the free spirit of the human being.

 

Our innate state is to roam free, in truth, in love, to express ourselves under and within the light of our Creator. We no longer can  remain true to this freedom because the 'rules' tell us that we are not allowed! It is not just society that dictates these restraints...it starts there but trickles down to the humanness around us; our partners, our supervisors, our parents, everyone everywhere are restrained; and thus put their conditions, limitations on us.

 

Due to these rules, the constraints imposed, our sexuality is still an accepted expression in our culture and tolerated, although currently misguided and misappropriated. Literal meaning: it is the act of sexual coupling and union of the male and female energies that is pure, yet confused. Having sex, lovemaking, fornicating, copulating, fucking, screwing, hooking-up, whatever you want to call it is in the group of the last freedoms society grants.

 

This is due in part because it is out of the manipulation range (with some exceptions) by authority. Our free will in this realm is so strong and so attached to our innate native character that it has become a spontaneous act in order to break free. It is as if we scream, "Come on! Look at me I can do this sexual act. No one is going to tell me what to do and no one can stop me!"

 

Because nature has been replaced by concrete; and gyms have taken up where mountain hikes have left off; and cultivating the land has given away to grocery stores, folks are disconnected. They want the wild in themselves back. So like their cousins who freely couple in nature, they become animal.

However it is done is in an artificial manner. The masses hunt, search, scope out, pretty-up, put on phony scents, and drive fast cars all in the quest for the one. Sadly what is lacking is self love. We must earn the right to find the required sacrifice, the patience of waiting, and the celebration of life within. Instead hunts and gathers are akin to driving up to a fast food take out. Payment is nominal and punitive. Then hungers are temporarily satisfied with a quickie to go with another dead soul.

Emptiness continues. Media exploits. Comedians mock. Films elude to the romance of a higher state. There is nothing inherently 'wrong' with all this humanness. It is just interesting to note that this ultimate, out of control expression has gone completely berserk. And it is because we can. There are no restraints. It is one of humans last free wills that have not been compromised.

~ ♥ ~ )O( ~ ♥ ~

SUBJECT: Returning to OUR Land

From: Cara Ann

To: Aron Anam

Date: Tue, Nov 24, 2009 at 2:33 PM

Aron, you, your stories light me up! This last story you sent, Returning to my land now has a sequel: Returning to OUR Land. And how prophetic you are! The only way I usually swim is on my back . . . and my eyes are brown!

Your Lover, CA~

Anam we were here last night, again. I wanted to capture what happened next . . .

 

Returning to OUR Land

(CONTINUED)

My body rests on its left side.

My right knee bent slightly falls forward upon the earth.

I-we are held in the contour of the belly at the base of the sand dune.

My left cheek presses into moist warmth; into infinite tiny sand crystals that cup my face.

Listen.

The surf laps rhythmically behind us.

It rocks our heart as we had swayed in each other moments ago.

Propped on an elbow, you hover over me.

Your lips nuzzle my right shoulder.

Your fingertips run the length of my curvaceous body, rising and falling with each swell.

Your right hand pauses to caress my soft, sun warmed thigh.

Then slips back to knead and squeeze my roundness.

Your essence slumps, coming to rest upon the bare ocean floor, then spoons me.

Our silhouettes fuse into a single shadow in the late afternoon sun.

Upon my back your heart beats; wholly in sequence with mine.

Warm breaths grant life within; filling every barrenness full.

Your embrace embodies our love, and all that we are:

One Heart, One Breath, A Single Soul

I beam contentment. One that has eluded me in this sojourn—until now.

We bask in the light of our Creator’s love as she cradles us in her womb.

Eternally held warm, in purity and with light.

Our auras gently lift into the heavens, and beyond.

We are now one.

A solitary flare which graces earth’s atmosphere as a shooting star.

Dissolving into time, where there is no space, no boundaries, only endless infinite being.

~ ♥ ~ )O( ~ ♥ ~

SUBJECT: The Healer

From: Cara Ann

To: Aron Anam

Date: Tue, Dec 1, 2009 at 8:55 AM

Another one for you my love!

~CA

 

The Healer

She heals.

Who?

Mother Nature. She heals.

She does not know any other way.

Mother does what comes natural.

As a nurturer She care takes.

She cleans. She restores.

She’s an artist in action. Always.

She guards over her children; all that She has created. All that She is.

Mother routinely and naturally bathes her skin, and replenishes her thirst.

She ushers in burgeoning clouds to refill her earth from which to drink plentiful.

She lets go. She cries rain to cleanse her body; so She can breathe again.

Her liquid locks descend cascading down to soothe and soften where She walks.

And with support from her moon maiden, they surf her shores spotless.

Often She becomes electrified, throwing down rods of light to recharge her soils.

Like most women, Mother likes to re-sculpt her form to perfection.

She hiccups and regurgitates lava to enhance her contours.

She carves away cliffs reclaiming her svelte figure.

She replants her hairline replacing the ones that have gone before.

Sometimes She burns away topical blemishes that irritate her.

Occasionally, her belly twists and shifts to realign her body, softening bulky spots.

By design Mother is an artist extraordinaire.

Our lady's fingers peel back her skin to river her runoffs.

Her artisan hands mold, sculpt and chisel new summits, a fresh apex.

Her palms caress her ridges pushing, reshaping, shifting her masses to precision.

She colorfully sports seasonal styles to rest and renew, then flaunts her colors.

She blankets her mounds in brilliant soft whites to allow her fragile areas to restore.

Her leaf patterns lay as a quilt, covering well-worn paths so new ones are explored.

Appealing to her offspring, Mother asks for their assistance to restore her health.

Fur-bound contractors rebuild, damming her waterways to sprout and spawn new life.

Four legged comrades nurse from her loins; in return they pass her seeds for rebirth.

The demise of her Noble Majestics serve as feeders for their sapling offspring.

Wings of flight take and leave their adornments then grace her heavens.

Creatures cull and trim the overgrowth allowing Mother to see out from within again.

Sometimes Mother is displeased and unleashes her fury.

In attempt to wipe her plate clean, She twists in a fury to remove scourge.

She tremors and shakes like a wet dog, ridding her back of annoyances.

When her belly is upset She up chucks splattering—without discretion, all in her path.

At times She opens up and swallows, taking back what’s owed, because She can.

As a wall of wind with the Gods behind her, She sweeps violently brushing all away.

 

Mother waits. She watches. She has a design; and the perfect plan.

She is growing restless. Upset at the silliness that plays upon her skirts.

She knows the lesson is long over due, but She waits.

When her time is ripe She will rebirth.

A newborn planet will reemerge from her loins.

It will be clean, pure, natural: an original heaven.

Give thanks to Mother. For She is wise. She takes care of her own needs.

30 November 2009

~CA~

~ ♥ ~ )O( ~ ♥ ~

SUBJECT: First Encounter of Our Last Kind

From: Cara Ann

To: Aron Anam

Date: Mon, Jan 4, 2010 at 11:32 AM

 

First Encounter of Our Last Kind

I often Wonder and Dream,

What our first encounter of our last time will be.

What I will do, feel, think, and be like--how will I react?

Overwhelmed, I don't believe I will be able to say much,

because no words will be adequate.

I might get the urge --and want to joke . . .

         "You found me! What took you so long?"

         "It's about (our) time!"

         "You sure travel a long way just for a date!"

But no sound will escape my lips; my voice will be locked.

My body will be on fire from the onset; at our journey once again  rekindled,

I will unconsciously lose my breath, or hold it, and my chest will heave.

I will want to jump out of my skin and into yours.

I will need to smell you, but you will be scent-less because we wear the same cologne!

Or, perhaps your scent laden with the stench of us will drive me lividly wild ~

And when we first touch our fingers, I will hold and outline your hand staring in disbelief.

Then clasp your hand tight as if to suck the very life force from your kind, yielding palm.

My nostrils flared will roam the nap of your neck, sniffing just below and behind your left ear.

Inhaling deep, you will fill up the void in my lungs, heart, body, and soul, and finally my loins.

After this I don't know who will make the first move,

It does not matter really, but it would be nice if you could --and would.

Truly, I believe I will be lifeless and numb realizing the reality we created.

And, in wondrous awe that the Good Gods and Goddesses, and our Guides aided in manifesting our dreams.

For in all my Fifty+ years here on earth beholden to me, you stand before me not only in spirit!

As my twin, your maleness will tower over my shadow in the physical, and you will become REAL.

To touch and feel your skin, hair, and breathe upon my neck, face, ears, between my breasts and thighs;

To stare deep into your eyes that mirror my soul, we lock and I see our Star gate waiting.

Another galaxy, another time from which we birthed;

Our origins linger as we catch up to once again rejoin as one.

For in your arms just the notion that we are actually together will most assuredly have me mesmerized.

Take care of me Anam because I know--you know how to start our dance.

So please Dear One, lead me softly, safely, with your giving hands into our waltz.

And, if I miss step -or forget, guide me gently into (y)our familiar path lined in light.

This I know you can do, Anam. And, I would be ever so grateful.

 

Red Flags

Red Flags are those gut instincts that make you wonder about a person's legitimacy. Until you really know a person, they can paint in words whatever picture of themselves that serves them best.

 

Of course liars never prosper. There really is no point to fibbing online. If one is interested in a scam, or fluffing their ego, or just for entertainment then that in itself serves a purpose to no end. However, anyone really seeking a sincere relationship will come clean, eventually. Such is the case with John.

 

From the get go there were tiny signs of deception. I do not believe John ever intentionally wanted to lie. Just make himself look better. You tend not to care too much about what is said, unless there is a vested interest. However, time proved some data erroneous.

 

John's initial age post put him at 51. Within our first month he wrote he was 58. Should I be concerned? True a 7 year age spread was quite a bit. Yet, I tossed it off to the liberties one takes when offering yourself on the open market. You don't want to look too old. We had established a friendship, that was beginning to develop deeper. That was when half truths turned into full admissions.

 

Name identity is always intentional. Obviously you don't want to spill the full name, address, phone disclosure to a recent acquaintance. So you use a made up name. I used my middle name. Only a partial truth, or full truth depending on one's perspective.

 

John used this name up until I called him on it. After a couple months the name John Carter was a bit to simple for this Irish gentleman. That name, like John Doe or Jane Smith, just didn't sit right anymore. John came clean, after I prodded him, but he still get's called “John” for this entire book.

 

People adapt pseudo names to serve all sorts of agendas. Mostly they don't want to be found out. Given time and a reciprocal amount of trust online most folks want to dig deeper. Thus full disclosure began.

 

As writers do when they get together they write. About what? Everything. We wrote a whole lot. About our lives, of course. Our dreams. Our lives. I had many, many questions that John never addressed.

 

He promised he would when he “had time”. It never happened. He also promised to address my writings separately. “Over the weekend,” he would repeatedly write. Yet, he never did. Too many instances of hopes gone silent. I was disappointed. But, I dismissed his actions to his other life. I was but a mere mistress. One not to be counted too seriously. Without thinking, I took back seat.

 

However his empty promises got more blatant. John said he would call me. He even set up a time and date with a real telephone. I prepared a private location, charged my cell phone and waited. I watch the clock time come and go. So unlike the man I'd come to know, after six months.

 

Later that night I emailed him. He replied promptly. His daughter and family had a crisis a half hour before “our time”. As a parent I understood and told him it was not meant to be. Yet, it was my initial email that prompted him to be accountable. A sad ongoing re-occurrence.

 

Thereafter I suggested another phone date. John says that he did not have a secure line at home or at work. I suggested for him to get a track-phone. One of those untraceable cells that connects to nobody. No response came to such a logical remedy. It is convenient to hide behind words and letters inside an email. And, yet John would continue to write me with such fervor and intent. I was hooked to his fishing line.

 

And there became a pattern of promises unmet. Early on John wanted to meet. A conjugal visit. I told him 'no'. I was just starting my divorce and it felt wrong. My mental state was not strong enough to cope for all that lie away. Adding a night with John into the mix was not wise.

 

But months wore on. As we intertwined our words our emotions, mental, spiritual, and our sexuality besieged us both. Our emails had grown over-the-top intimate. I had the freedom to roam in his direction as family and friends occupied my way there.

 

John made a big ado about meeting on several times when I was to be on the road. By this time I was more than compliant towards his requests. I wanted to meet him. It was time. And, yes I thought seriously about fucking him.

 

We were both at a time in our marriages where we were severely undervalued. Neither of us had met with intimacy for far too long. We both wanted—needed human touch. The life force of physical contact is a powerful aphrodisiac.

 

So John suggested we meet during one of his work hiatus. Didn't work. His trip got called off. I suggested another rendezvous spot. He did not respond before I departed. He suggested one or two other join ups. I said YES! I would be on the road and available.

 

Those thoughts perished. Never got a call to my cell phone. Not even an email before or during. I was the one to email him, either from the road on once I got home. It was like he went poof, gone, once the possibility to meet was tangible. Perhaps reality, what he said he wanted, became to real for him. Once again I was beginning to believe that John, too, was a idealist without commitment.

 

Once home as typical I would write John. His emails would pick back up. Never was there a mention or an excuse of his foiled intentions even though I asked, in email. Was he a coward? Did John just prefer to dream dare? Were his intentions of getting together genuine? I would answer 'yes' to all these.

 

John was severely controlled by his wife. Well, that is what he said. In fact he stated he was controlled to a form of abuse. He was stock shit scared of her. He appeared to be a really decent, nice guy. Over their years together he turned subservient to her. Rather than argue he caved. I get that as that is what I did in my own marriage. It is easier to roll over on your belly.

 

Barking to begin an argument was to much effort. Yet apparently they did have lots of arguments. John wrote me on the days his wife worked. Every other week, and at stolen times his letters would swoon me.

 

John wrote me for over a year. Incessantly and sometimes 3 times in one day his letters came. My writing, because I like to write, was out of control during this time. He validated my life, as his life paralleled my own. Obsessed with having an audience of one, that would be John, I wrote volumes.

 

Times turned tough for me around my divorce. I wrote John the details. He would advise some, but he was having his own troubles. In fact our whole writing life together was really about troubles. None of it was healthy.

 

Venting our worlds to each other in a simple, but complicated email proved to be the purge we each depended upon. As if my divorce was not going well enough, the night my kids converged on me, the worst night a mother should not have to endure, I got another surprise.

 

John's notes had slacked off. I was worried as he just had an extensive hernia operation. Even with that he had written me and we never went more than a week without contact. But it had been a long while.

 

I was obsessed and worried so I check his local paper for news of god-forbid his death. Instead, I see a nice family portrait. Centered and sitting alongside said wife (that he said he abhors and is going to leave) and surrounded by family. And, oh, by the way! The newspaper says the family has plans to open another restaurant! Stupid me.

 

John was the one to tell me months earlier of his intention to leave said wife of his. He talked of a life with moi. It was totally John that introduced that we be together. I liked the idea. He seemed so perfect. On line. All that genuine bullshit and here the paper says he and his wifey got plans for a new future! Okay, now I am dumber than a box of rocks. I was shocked. I trusted John. Sh*t. Red Flags Galore!

 

An hour later my kids show up to tell me I'm the most horrible person on the face of their planet for divorcing their dad. Life that night sucked.

 

I was devastated. My lover was a liar. I knew he was married. Those were the stakes going in. But, deception I do not handle well. Oh yes, I wrote him. After I cooled down and could compose a calm letter. After all I didn't want to lose him. There is sick irony.

 

Yes, he said he was sorry about not writing. He had been depressed. And he did not mind me snooping into his affairs on the Internet. Said his 2^nd biggest wish was to open an Irish Pub. A long time dream it was.

 

So John was compelled to move forward since he was now unemployed like the rest of the world. Then he says his number 1 and favorite thing to do was to write to me. I was his tucked away, very safe secret that he treasured. Then it hit me. I don't want to be his F*ing SECRET, or anybody's secret. That is simply NOT healthy.

 

I wrote back a supportive note. I was addicted to John's notes far more than even I will admit. I never wrote anything back to challenge him. Arguments he got from his wife. We were online lovers and friends. I didn't want to let go. Of course I encouraged John to write. After all he said that writing me was his number 1 all time favorite past time. And being unemployed obviously he had plenty of extra time to indulge in me, correct? NOT.

 

During the crap of my divorce a most terrible family event happened. The suicide of my sibling. I went to another state to help for an extended period of time. Never once came a note from John. He was dumping me.

 

Without the decency to tell me he was pulling back. During my darkest hours of those months that past not one email came from John. He abandoned our ship without saying good-bye. He was returning to his familiar harbor. I was not one to beg him back.

 

But, my last note to him I told him bluntly that my baby brother blew his brains out on the night of the lunar eclipse just days before Christmas. That I hated him for leaving me during a time when I needed his emails to light my darkened tunnel. I wanted him to know he chose a really crappy time in my life to step offshore without so much as a note.

 

John wrote back a very nice note and explained that he had hit rock bottom with depression himself. He admitted that he could not write me in my hour of need because his needs were too much. He apologized profusely and did not write again. John's note was decent. But through his apology for not writing me came his own needs alongside mine, first and foremost. In my opinion he should have saved his issues for another letter.

 

Another dawning: This note was NOT about me. It was about him. I was beginning to understand his wife's position. John really pissed me off. Again, this is the difficulty with online relationships. Not communicating directly in plain view sight leaves much for speculation.

 

I do not let go of friendships easily. Online or off. John knew one thing about me most people don't get. Tell me the truth, whatever it is, and I'll handle it straight up. Don't lie. Don't deceive me. John understood that. It was a simple concept yet John chose to dishonor my needs.

 

I'm sure what he told me about his depression et all was true. But his vacant emails told me otherwise. Even during his times of other health impairments he wrote. There was more going on than he was letting on.

 

All I required was an email that closed off our affair. I like things in a tidy box. There is no question or guessing when people tell the truth in their heart. I can't get mad at that. I get mad at deception.

 

Perhaps John did not have the guts to tell me that he was rebuilding his marriage. Maybe he wanted to stop our online affair. Perhaps with my imminent freedom, John felt he would have to let me go. I will never get why he couldn't be upfront with me. Except that the answers are in the Red Flags.

 

In time I got over John. I decided to stop writing him to see what came from him. Nothing. For a very long time thereafter I thought of John. Not a day went by that I didn't think of him, or the us that might have been.

 

Finally I released John. I let him go without further thought. It had been over a year and then one night I looked at the moon and the drifting thought of John reemerged. I wondered how he had been. So I wrote a hello note to feel him out. I wasn't addicted to us anymore, just curious of John's whereabouts. Several notes passed between us and John was intent on visiting me—as a friend. He set a time and date to call. True to form he never did. Not true to form, I never emailed him again. This pattern was not going to change unless I changed the dance. So I stopped dancing.

 

John owed it to our friendship; an explanation for his unaccountable acts of selfishness. Of being a flake, really. That was how I saw it. because it replicated the disrespects of my own marriage. So similar were the issues I never got closure on, or got to have a dialogue over. Maybe in the end it was about surrender. No matter how hard I wished it weren't so, I had to let go as it was never going to be any other way.

 

Part of our email affair was like an abusive relationship. A person does not know they have been abused until removed from the situation. I don't consider our time together abusive, but it did make me aware of some of the same unhealthy paradigms that existed in the marriage I was leaving.

 

John's non commitment to follow through was reminiscent of my ex putting our marriage on a back burner. John incredible penning of wooing love letters had me addicted the way my ex kept stringing me along with words of 'next time'. Our time in email bed was intoxicating, yet not healthy. I needed to heal from my broken marriage and here I was flirting with a man in the same situation. And, regardless of all his intent and purposes John was not leaving his wife. Because HELLO!!! I was his SECRET.

 

Should I be mad at what happened? Sounds like I am. Emotionally, this online break up devastated me. Probably because it came at a most vulnerable time for me. It was one more hurt in my line up of losses that winter.

 

I was upset, because I didn't understand why John left. I had no claim to John and his life. Even though we suggested lives together, truly we were both dreaming. We just wanted to escape from our current lives. We both knew the stakes going in. Derailment just happens.

 

Truly 'we' were never meant to be. Me a free bird and John grossly entangled in a large extended family, broken finances, depression and an unknown future. I earned my freedom. It was hard won and there was no turning back to dysfunction. Perhaps John will find his path to peace. I hope he does.

 

Red Flags are alerts that can serve you well in the education of your counterpart. There were many flags with John. At first I chalked these flags up to 'no worries' we are just friends. No vested interest, I'd remind myself.

 

But, when emotions become entangled the personal stakes got higher. I had an unwarranted sense of ownership inside John's world. We both valued the others perspective. And when it came to spousal relations we peered into sacred grounds.

 

We even thought as a 'we' even though we lead separate lives. In reality there was no 'we' and never could be as long as 'we' were living in a hidden closet.

 

Words on a computer screen are potent. Emotional investment is just as volatile as a 'real' relationship. I would never take back this online affair, but I would caution others to beware. It is not for the faint of heart. That is why I share with you every emotion that I carried.

 

2 Kirk with Love

Who would have known! On the tail end of John came another, very unexpected, pseudo lover. Enter Craigslist again. Only this time I innocently placed an ad asking for information about a particular Southwest region.

 

My inquiry was about a place to live, climate, living conditions, etc. I've done this sort of thing before. What you get back varies. That simple email gave me a wealth of information enough to know that area would not be a place for me to inhabit. That email also gave me Kirk.

 

From the onset he sent a genuine, short email telling me to call him. No business he said, just personal. Kirk's email sat in my In box for over a month because I had issues to attend to. I really was not going to return his email. But he sent several silly jokes. Then he remarked that if I didn't call soon he would be out of clean jokes to send me. I like a good laugh and he was decent.

 

We talked on the telephone....unlike the other one . . . . Anyway Kirk fed me a lot of information about his area. The conversation was pleasant. We seemed to hit it off as friends.

 

There after we began writing. Everyday in fact for a couple of months. I got to know all about his life; and him about mine. Our letters were chatty, but the quality genuine. Just what I needed on the tail end of John; someone kind and with a perspective to share.

 

I was planning a trip to his state and we figured out a time that I could come see him. Odd that Kirk never had a photo of himself to send. Said he could not afford a camera?! Red Flag? Maybe. He was 8 years older, but I was not aiming for anything, but a friendship. Yet we were headed in a direction of something.

 

Our emails crossed the bridge of disclosure: about my divorce, about his ex girlfriend, about relationships, about him wanting a stronger libido.....yes, this is where our emails skirted with flirting.

 

Taking about your libido is not something you discuss with an email pal unless there is an intent and the possibility of an affair. I even ran this one past my girlfriend. A double check said my mind was still working right.

 

So okay, our emails continue. For the most part we just take about everyday stuff. Our emails were every single day. Another addiction here I surmise. Everyday emails are the makings of a serious relationship. After the last one I didn't put a lot of weight into Kirk.

 

Sure I figured if I showed up down yonder. Maybe we could have a fling. If I saw what he looked like, first. He admitted he had not any relations for a number of years. Bingo, another bizarre hint telling me he was STDS clean for me.

 

Then he left town. To see family and across the border to do some swimming and snorkeling. He was even sweet enough send me a quick email telling me where he was. On a borrowed computer he confessed. Nonetheless him thinking of me was a WOW!

 

In fact Kirk thought of me a lot. He gave advice about my marriage. Kirk was taking a sense of ownership. He wanted my help on his acreage; planning for a possible equestrian set up.

 

Kirk told me that he poured over my past notes and was in awe at how I pulled my life together with kids, jobs, and more. All this was endearing. So I'm wondering. Several men have fallen for me....or is it that they fall for my words? Interesting concept isn't it? My words vs. me?

 

Kirk was gone for a month. I actually forgot about him. My girlfriend asked if I heard from him after a long while. No, I told her something is wrong. My girlfriend said, “He's dead”. My remark was that, that was what I thought too. Maybe he went off and got, beaten, raped and left for dead in Mexico? There was a strange feeling that I would hear from him on Saturday.

 

And so here comes an email from Kirk. He just got home and right away wrote me and thanked me for all the joke emails that I sent him. I wrote him back, of course. That day I was happy. After a year of personal turmoil I so adored that here was someone that was honest and loyal. Kirk extended validation to me from his heart.

 

As leaves got raked I pondered how all of a sudden happy I was again. What a roller coaster emotional year. It is curious that I need a man to make me happy. Or was it that I pined just to have a real connection with a male being once again? The male—female connection is all encompasses, yet we don't really need another human to administer our own happiness. Needing a mate to make you feel something, is purely learned behavior.

 

So Kirk's wonderful welcome home came Saturday morning. I'm smiling all day. Saturday night another email comes to me.

 

It's a $%#@*!&*# dear John letter. Apparently Kirk started seeing his ex-wife? A month ago. Probably horny after 5 years. Well, stupid male in him shows his ex my joke emails.

 

My name was plastered all over his computer which flipped a switch with the EX. Of course it would. So Kirk tells me that he is not sure were it is at with them. She is tight with his family ties. Yadda. Yadda. There it is again; the subservient male syndrome again. Anyway, his grand slam conclusion is that it's best that we don't email anymore. End of story.

 

So okay. Wow. Should I get mad? Maybe. I will give Kirk one credit. At least he had the decency to give me a good-bye letter with an explanation. So, I courteously send a quick I understand-thanks for your honesty—and best of luck back. He deserved that.

 

Of course that night I went to bed and cried. Why me? Poor me. And then I thought of the lessons in this experience too. The recoveries are coming a lot faster now!

 

First, I really wanted to have a closure from John. We spend over a year in intimate, highly sexual interludes. I tried to get his attention in the aftermath. I sent him joke emails. On his birthday I sent him a personal greeting. Nothing came back. I wrestled with the fact that he was so selfish and self absorbed.

 

No more emails will be forthcoming from me. Ever. Each time I send an email and get no response it serves to validate my misery which holds me there. John is not healthy and I will not be unhealthy with him. Lesson implanted and hard won. Thank you Lord!

 

So Kirk sends me what I had wanted from John. A good bye note. It stated clearly to me he needs and to be over us. He should be commended with a medal of honor. I would have liked to tell him many things. But, this time I refrained from indulging myself the way I did with John. The school of life has taught me to let it go and move on. And, I am learning quicker.

 

However, there is a larger lesson here. It finally dawned on me. I am attracting to myself like kind mates. John is very married. Kirk thought he was unattached. In my current state I was not uncommitted.

 

All of these folks brought to my life a total reflection of me. They were letting me see my attributes and abstractions. You cannot get upset at another unless you get mad at yourself for having that same quality.

 

Relative Lessons

You maybe reading this book to figure out why your spouse is online with another woman or man. Your request is legitimate.

 

Perhaps you have caught your partner online, red handed. Maybe you have seen unfamiliar chat boxes pop up. Did you recently get locked out of any access to the computer? Does your spouse seem happier? Or moodier? You know your partner and their tempo.

 

If you are the one suspecting your partner of having online relationships, don't panic. This can actually be an excellent opportunity. Look at the Internet as a tool that is helping you to address what is missing in your partnership. People go online for a variety of reasons. Like myself I thought it was fun, educational, interesting, interactive, until I fell hard for John. Sh*t happens. Yet, there are very real emotional reasons folks look online.

 

Partners may be abusive and controlling; thus the Internet is an escape. Some may have let themselves go physically. so portraying a sexier, slimmer lover to build ego is another game. People have different ideas for defining love. While one may want physical intimacy, the other may not require affection. Excitement of new affiliations might be another addictive catalyst. There are a host of reasons and they are all valid.

 

Most committed folks know that going online is just not a very good pacifier. There are no quick fixes to be found on online. So unless a couple is perusing online together, yes, there should be real concern. Especially if you want to keep your partnership in tact.

 

True, the Internet does not address whatever problem a couple faces at home. But it waves a big Red Flag to get on with the communication issues at hand. It's vital to acknowledge what is missing in the online lover's life. Whatever is lacking is very real. As well, when their mate makes the discovery it's equally devastating to his/her emotions. It should be understood that no one is to blame in this online lover game. Both partners are equal participants in what was created.

 

An infidelity on the Internet can be damaging. For some the line is crossed when their partner is emotionally involved. For all the reasons and dramas withstanding, this territory is fixable.

 

Problems do not get where they are overnight. There is a long procurement period. However, a concerted effort from both parties can mend broken bridges.

 

Communication is the KEY to restarting a couple's clock. A vital modification may be to hire a counselor. Couples need new tools in their relationship tool kit to mend. We were not born with easy fix instruction manuals. Get help.

 

Central to what's missing or lacking in the couples life is understanding and empathy. Listening skills are paramount to enabling a healthy relationship to recharge.

 

If a couple is not adept at fixing their own issues, again, a good counselor is time well spent. It always helps to have an objective third party to check up on you two.

 

Last, there are lessons in what you and your partner have experienced. Examine what they are. Be honest with yourself. And grow on.

 

Safety 4 Online Lovers

So the moral of being an Online Lover is this:

 

Definitely we are beyond Email Etiquette 101....how to properly open and address an email. How to attach documents. What the content should include. How to close your letter. Zoom. Zoom. We are way past that notion.

 

Be careful who you flirt with. You cannot truly see an online mate's life behind the screen. People can say one thing and be some one totally different. From my limited experience I would venture to guess that most men need an online mistress to give them back their ego boost. This is not a bad thing. Just be sure when playing the game that you protect your own emotions.

 

Playing Online Lovers is not for the faint of heart. Feelings get stirred and attachments are made. Take the information from another as just that: information. It is up to you how to interpret data.

 

If you are flirting with counterparts that are taken, or sort of committed, remember there will be someone that gets hurt. This is an unhealthy triangle. Don't go there.

 

Remember your emotions. They will run away with you. Guaranteed. There is no other way to protect yourself than to abstain from playing the game. Period.

 

Watch single dating sites. There are scammers on there as well. Most are earmarked, but not always.

 

How you can prevent your emotional fiasco? Do not go online to find a mate. Yes, many have been found this way but it is a risky way to collaborate. However if you use this method for finding a lover follow these ideas.

 

Watch for Red Flags. Such as no picture given or a very old version. As well someone not forthcoming with information that you asked for—or being evasive to any answers for any reasonable question is grounds for dismal.

 

Many use a picture to guide their decision to click or not. Remember everything on the Internet is open for interpretation. EVERYTHING. Be careful.

 

Income levels are personal. Dating sites post them, but how many folks really list their true income. This is best said in a private conversation once you know each other.

 

If anything about any conversation does not feel right, or makes you feel uncomfortable, get out. Be cautious and forever suspicious. If you ask for answers that you do not get. If there are missing pieces that do not feel right, you are probably correct. Trust your intuition.

 

Once email contact has been established a phone call should follow up in short order. Emails only convey so much. A person's voice, tone, inflection, and speaking manner measure more. Ongoing emails over a couple months without a phone call is a Red Flag that your counterpart is hiding something. Excuses don't make the cut.

 

Take time to build up trust and don't give it away either. Online relationships needs to develop more slowly than real life relationships.

 

Do not give out your address, real full name, or phone number until you've known each other at least a couple months. 

 

Online Lovers is a call for a mate. Email is a short term vehicle. Use it that way.

 

Are you finally meeting your online lover? Set up a meeting outdoors or a place where the world goes by. If your potential mate cannot do that, pass them by.

 

Find out someone is lying? Dump them. Yes, evasive answers happen, and if there is a pattern address it or dump the person.

 

You may have many online chats with potential mates. Watch for patterns to cut wasting your time. Remember online dating is unique. Learn your lessons quickly and move on.

 

The beauty of an online encounter is that you can interact with others worldwide. But there is nothing like face-to-face and human interactions to determining the right fit for you.

 

If all you desire is only an online affair, be honest about that upfront.

 

My Lessons

It 'twas fun but I am done. Online Lovers leave too much to the imagination. Not that using your imagination is all bad when no picture is available. Mr. Hunk can be made to look like any Adonis in your creative brain.

 

There is no substitute for a living breathing person. I don't care how good their 5 year old picture looks. Real life is brutally honest. For all you know what comes out of your lover's mouth might not sound like his/her written words.

 

There are legitimate single people perusing the single sites to gain an Online Lover. Plenty of them. Wading through it all is too much work for ME. I'm going to count on the law of attraction. Like my sage friend who says let nature take it's course. Agreed, let her drop a man right in my path. This is my preference.

 

And for these men that are under the wing and subservient to their wives, ladies be forewarned. Do not invest much time or energy in a relationship that is doomed from the get go. Of course like my friend Kirk this was unknown to me until his good-bye note. Let me give you a bit of advice: You have ANY doubts > RUN!

 

DO NOT be anybody's secret. EVER. When John put our relationship into this context and used me and the word SECRET in the same sentence, he through a curve ball into my brain. Bingo!

 

The dawning of reality clicked. He was not going to leave his wife. He was not going to call, much less ever see me. The 'us' of 'we' were going to be locked inside of emails forever more. That was not my idea of having any kind of friend. I ain't nobody's secret. Period.

 

If you have to have this type of secret along side any other relationship then you have issues you are not addressing.

 

Online- like any relationships are fraught with who expects what. I was naïve when my ventures first began. Having no expectations makes no problems. Stupidly I believed what John said to be true. He was talking about leaving his world for me. I was quite surprised at this revelation. Then thought, well, I'm going to be free soon. Maybe there is a possibility. I really wish people would just shut their mouths. Good intentions backed by dreams = ZERO.

 

Do yourself a big fat favor. Define what you want for YOU before going online. Just like any friendship you need to set parameters that are acceptable. For online especially.

 

Aimlessly wandering about is one way to learn, as I did. Finding something—or someone more in tune to the character you desire, needs forethought. Had I had a half a brain on this thought . . . well no regrets. It is all about the lessons we take with us.

 

Would I go online again? Oh yeah. In a heartbeat. Well. Maybe just for fun. A person's soul can get ripped apart online, as you know. Truthfully? I'm still partial to the guy who will be dropped into my path. In real life.

 

My word of caution? Be wary. Online Lovers are plenty. Online Losers are just as abundant. Not that I had met any of the latter . . . because if I had labeled them as losers, what's that say about me?

 

 

Thank You for Enjoying

Online Lovers

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