As soon as the alarm went off, my heart started beating violently in my chest. It was Monday, another school day, and I was terrified.
After morning absolutions I dressed carefully, watching that my shirt was clean and tidy, my pants zipped up. Sometimes I resented the fact that I had to be so careful about every little detail because if I wasn't, the day tended to go worse than usual.
I combed my hair, checked my face for zits again, and wished for the thousandth time I was just a little bit taller and a little bit thinner. With a sigh, I picked up my school bag and went to make some breakfast.
My dad was already gone, and my mother would only get up once I was out of the house. So I made some toast with jam and ate slowly, always keeping one eye on the ticking clock on the wall, dreading the day.
I cleaned up after myself, took the money my dad had left and tucked it inside my sock. Even if I ended up without anything else on me by the end of school, they usually left me my socks. Another deep breath for courage, not that I had any to begin with, and I headed off to school.
Standing there, facing it, didn't get any easier no matter how many days passed, and even as I took some cover behind the bushes next to the bus stop, I could still see the crowd at the front steps, and knew there was no way I could slip by everyone.
The first bell rang and I bit my lip before rushing forward, hoping to reach the class with minimum damage, for once.
"Here comes Helen," I heard someone yell, and my chest constricted.
I would have rolled my eyes as I did so many times at home at the name, but at this point any reaction would be perceived as attack, and with so many of them around, it was better to just keep my mouth shut. But the name play must have been so witty even a teacher slipped once and called me Helen despite my name being Troy.
I was still far enough away no one pushed me, but as soon as I reached the steps, intending to take the first one, someone hit me from behind and I fell. It startled me how close my chin was to the edge of a step as I opened my eyes but I hissed only as my forearm flashed with pain from where I'd cushioned the fall.
I could hear everyone laughing, and I knew enough not to dwell on my ache. Instead I picked myself up as fast as I could and started up the stairs once again only faster.
"Hey, ugly, didn't anyone ever teach you what a comb was?" Another voice sounded and again I ignored it, wishing the door was closer.
"Helen, Helen. It's only polite to answer your betters," someone I knew too well said closer to me and I ran.
The door banged as I pushed into the school but I still had all my possessions, and Billy apparently wasn't in the mood for giving me another lesson in obedience first thing in the morning.
Unfortunately, the hallway was still full, and first, next to the lockers, were the popular girls.
"Helen, you forgot your makeup again." Judy smiled viciously at me and I averted my gaze, hoping I would pass her quickly enough on my way to the classroom.
"You know even makeup doesn't help cover that hideous face, Judy," Betty added her two cents, making sure it properly stung.
Someone else tripped me as I did my best not to cry, and I even managed to hold my balance before I was somewhat safe in the classroom.
English was first and I had to sit to the left side of the room to avoid all those likely to get me in trouble. I always kept my bag in my lap until the teacher came in, and even after I put it down, I wrapped one strap around my leg.
I exhaled in relief as Miss Janison entered, and I knew no one would try anything at least for a little bit. All I had to do now was face the rest of my hellish education.