Jaded Wisdom
I call my aphorismic writing Jaded Wisdom. I use the word jaded because I offer a satiric read on conventional wisdom. My method is simple: First, I keep my eyes and ears open for spiritual pablum passing as deep wisdom. Second, I quote the original proverb and let my inner satirist add a twist that (I hope) invites the reader to think again about what is being said.
I have written and shared thousands of Jaded Wisdom aphorisms on Twitter and Facebook. The few dozen I offer here are meant to help you get started writing your own.
Jaded Wisdom: Spiritual Proverbs
Each soul has its own reality; each soul has its own truth. No wonder we’re so lonely.
Life is like a box of Cracker Jack: there’s a prize inside. Sure, but it’s so cheap that finding it is a waste of time.
Detachment is the key to enlightenment. But who cares?
When you abandon desire, you are gifted with time. Unfortunately, without desire you’ll have nothing to do with it.
Our lives are small; our dreams are great. Live less; sleep more.
Only when you accept yourself as you are can you change. But then you won’t want to.
Behind the clouds the sun is always shining. And behind the sun is cold, dark, lifeless space. Happy now?
Believe your beliefs, doubt your doubts. And live redundantly ever after.
Don’t be afraid of dumb questions. Be afraid of dumb answers.
Life is a book that never ends. Except that, well, you know, it does.
Every day is a good day. Though not necessarily for you.
You will always get an idea if you think and don’t panic. Unfortunately, that idea will often be: “Panic!”
The most important thing is to find yourself. Two steps to finding yourself:
1 Ask yourself where you last saw yourself.
2 Ask yourself whom you are talking to.
What all people have in common is that each one is unique. So really we have nothing in common at all.
No one owns anything. The sooner you learn this, the sooner you can start taking whatever you want.
Some want it to happen, some wish it would happen, some make it happen. And some have to clean up after it happens.
When it comes to getting older, we have choices. Not getting older isn’t one of them.
When you think positively, your mind becomes a magnet. Stay clear of refrigerators.
Every mistake is a lesson. The lesson is: stop making mistakes.
Learn to love spending time with yourself. After all, it’s not like you can leave yourself with a sitter and go out with friends.
Imagine you’re already the person you want to be. Then you won’t have to bother becoming that person at all.
Wake up each morning believing there’s a giant in you; then release it. Don’t forget to flush.
Your life is your canvas. Don’t be surprised if you’ve been framed.
Igniting your inner flame is easy. Inserting the candle is a bitch.
Think to yourself: “I choose my thoughts.” Now ask yourself: Did I choose to think that thought? Or was I just following orders?
Live your life as if joy were just around the corner. It isn’t, but walking around the corner to see is still good exercise.
In the beginning was the Word. And the Word was with God. And the Word was God. And the Word was trademarked. And the God was branded. And the Word® was lost. And now it’s time to reclaim the Word. RR
Not everyone who worships the dead and risen Lord is a follower of Jesus. Some are followers of Osiris.
Give Satan an inch, and he will become the ruler. Defeat Satan: adopt the metric system.
The last will be first. But only if they can convince the people in front of them that they are facing in the wrong direction.
The pious see more on their knees than the educated can see on their tiptoes. The pious are really, really tall.
God answers prayer with “Yes,” “No,” and “Wait.” If you want more options, try a Magic 8-Ball.
It will cost you more to say no to God than to say yes. But remember: you get what you pay for.
God gave us necks. We invented the noose.
If you believe in God, you cannot be defeated. The motto of religious fanatics everywhere.
God helps those who help themselves. God is redundant.
Go to sleep believing God will take care of tomorrow. But set your alarm just in case.
Some people see more on a walk around the block than others see on a trip around the world. These people live on very long blocks.
Every time God closes a door, he opens a window. God is claustrophobic.
You can never praise God too much. God’s self-esteem is that low.
When God writes “opportunity” on one side of your door, God writes “responsibility” on the other side. God loves vandalizing doors.
Never say, “Tomorrow” when God says, “Today.” And don’t say, “Tomato” when God says, “Tomahto.” In fact, just repeat whatever God says. It’s safer that way.
God speaks through your hands. Be careful you aren’t worshiping a sock puppet.
Once you are convinced you are doing God’s work, all concern with morality is irrelevant.
Some evil is excused by saying, “I was just following orders.” The rest is excused by saying, “I was just following God.”
In God’s eyes, no one is better than anyone else.
God needs glasses.
The most important thing is to do your best. Unless your best really sucks. Then the most important thing is to hire someone who can do better.
RR
God is the same yesterday, today, and forever! God is in a rut.
Trees are God’s temples. There are so many because God can’t decide which one to join.
You are a pencil in the hand of God. If only he’d quit chewing on the end.
God knows exactly the mess you’re in. He should. He put you there.
Hard times aren’t hurdles on the road to God—they are the road.
God, like the rest of us, hates paying for infrastructure repair.
Feel grateful in this moment. If you don’t feel grateful in this moment, be grateful for that, and then you will be grateful in this moment and you can stop worrying about gratitude altogether. RR
God’s Word is like a rest stop on life’s highway. Ignore it, and you’ll have to wait a few miles before you can pee.
All creatures are words of God. Sadly, some are misspelled.
God gave us two hands, two ears, two eyes, two nostrils, and one mouth. God ran short on mouths.
God doesn’t forget the sinner, only the sin. God still punishes you, but he can’t remember why.
God says, “Pray for your enemies.” “Dear God, please kill my enemies. Amen.”
God commands you to love him of your own free will. What is it about free that God doesn’t understand?
God has a plan for your life. If you woke up miserable this morning, you can assume that’s the plan.
“There but for the grace of God,” said John Bradford in the 16th century, on seeing wretches led to execution, “go I.” What this apparently compassionate observation really means—not that it really “means” anything—is, “There by the grace of God goes someone else.”
CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS, God Is Not Great