Thou Hast Mail
One of the best holy rascal practices for subverting the presumption of truth at the heart of brand-name religions is to approach them naïvely. Young children do this all the time, but because they are little kids, adults take what they say as cute rather than subversive. “Thou Hast Mail” is just such a practice, seeking to help practitioners imitate the child’s naïveté without losing the subversive nature of what is being said by writing faux children’s letters to God.
“Thou Hast Mail” is not the same as “Kids Say the Darndest Things,” the popular TV and radio feature hosted by Art Linkletter in the 1950s and ’60s. Mr. Linkletter asked real questions of real kids. “Thou Hast Mail” is fake because fake is more efficient than real: whereas Mr. Linkletter had to talk with dozens of kids to find one funny one, you can invent the funny kid right off the bat.
When crafting your letters to God, it helps to write them on big eleven-by-fourteen-inch sheets of coloring paper using a large crayon or jumbo-sized marker—anything that feels a bit too large in your hand. In this way you channel your inner child and invite yourself to think differently about theological notions you may have heard all your life. “Thou Hast Mail” is not about dismissing dogma, doctrine, or belief, but about taking dogma, doctrine, and belief to their absurdist conclusions.
Each of the following letters I wrote to God is based on something I heard an adult say in all seriousness.
Dear God,
My pastor says you need the blood of Jesus to calm down so you won’t get mad and send us to Hell. My mom makes me go to my room when I get mad. Maybe you should try that instead. SAMMI
Dear God,
I’m Jewish and want to apologize for killing your son. I don’t remember doing it, but my friends say I did. They also say he came back from the dead, so can we still be friends? MICAH
Dear God,
When people burn in Hell, do they swell up and turn black like toasted marshmallows? I need to know for my Sunday School exhibit next week. TIM
Dear God,
My big brother says you are like the Tooth Fairy. So, is the money I give at church the same money you leave under my pillow? If so, you are taking a big cut. HANNA
My pastor says when your son comes back to earth, he will send my gramma and grampa to Hell because they are Methodists. Please don’t let him come back before my birthday because they promised to take me to Disney World. TONE
Dear God,
My dad keeps telling people to go to Hell, but they never actually go anywhere. I hope you have better luck. SAUL
Dear God,
If bad people go to Hell and good people go to Heaven, where do better people go? BRIAN
Dear God,
My friend Hameed says you sent the angel Gabriel to speak to Muhammad. Were you too busy to talk to him yourself? DARREN
Dear God,
My friend Ram has a picture of you with an elephant head. My dad says it’s because you are a Republican. CYNDI
Dear God,
My big brother says the reason Jesus’s tomb was empty is because he donated his body to science. Is this true? MARIA
Dear God,
My rabbi says you like Israel more than any other country. My teacher is making me write a report on Venezuela. Please don’t be mad at me. ROBERT
I learned today that Mormons wear special underwear. So does my gramma. Do we become Mormons when we get old? JERRY
Dear God,
My grandpa and I used to love baseball, and when he died I put my favorite baseball card in his coffin. I didn’t know it was worth lots of money. Could you steal it from him and send it back to me? DEREK
Dear God,
Thanks for not making me live in Bible times. The people had to eat manna, and my mom never lets me eat stuff I find on the ground. I think I’d starve. LYLE
Dear God,
I have a friend who is a Sikh, and he gets to carry a cool sword. My mom won’t even let me use scissors. Can you tell her I’m really a Sikh? KERRY
Dear God,
At school I have a Jewish friend who says you want her to cut off her hair when she gets married, and a Sikh friend who says you won’t let him cut his hair at all, and a Muslim friend who says you want her to hide her hair under a scarf. What is your problem with hair? NANCI
Dear God,
My dad says you don’t want us Jews to turn on our TVs on Saturday, but that we can have a Christian do it for us so we can watch golf. Is he right? Can I have a Christian change the channel to cartoons, or is that not Jewish? GEORGE
My science teacher says dinosaurs died because a huge meteor hit the earth. Did you mean to do that, or were you aiming at something else? JOEL
Dear God,
We got a new kid in our class today. He’s from Mexico. His name is Jesus. Are you related? MIKE
Dear God,
Before Adam and Eve ate the apple, they were naked and not ashamed. After they ate it, they were naked and ashamed. How many calories were in that apple, anyway? SALLY
Dear God,
My pastor says you know the future. That must be very boring, like watching reruns without any new shows. I will try and surprise you tomorrow just to help out. KIM
Dear God,
I read that you killed Job’s children to win a bet. My mom has a problem with gambling also. She goes to meetings. Maybe you should try it too. SARA
Dear God,
If my clothes are left behind at the Rapture, does it matter if I wear clean underwear? ZANE
Dear God,
I heard that you don’t hear the prayers of Jews. Is that because we mumble them? BERNIE
SCRIPTURES, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil’s Dictionary
When Mormons knock on our door, we don’t answer. When Jehovah’s Witnesses ring the bell, we pretend not to be home. But when the ice cream truck drives by, we run out to get some. Maybe you should drive an ice cream truck. PAUL
Dear God,
My friend Tommy says you are white, but Mrs. Morris next door says you are every color. I tried coloring you with all my Crayons, and you ended up black like me. I won’t tell Tommy; he’d be scared to death. AISHA