EPILOGUE There’s a God at the End of This Book!
WHOA!
DO YOU KNOW THERE’S A GOD AT THE END OF THIS BOOK?
IF I WERE YOU, I’D
PUT THIS BOOK DOWN RIGHT NOW.
GODS ARE NOT GOOD.
GODS ARE NOT NICE.
GODS ARE SCARY, AND THE LAST THING YOU
WANT TO DO IS RUN INTO ONE OF THEM.
SO BE SMART AND CLOSE THIS BOOK AND PUT IT DOWN.
NOW!
YOU TURNED THE PAGE?
DID YOU KNOW THAT ONCE GOD
GOT SO MAD AT PEOPLE, HE DROWNED THEM ALL?
EVERY WOMAN, CHILD, AND MAN—
INNOCENT AND GUILTY ALIKE.
AND THEN, JUST TO BE SAFE,
HE KILLED ALMOST ALL THE ANIMALS AND BIRDS
AND FISH AND EVERYTHING.
THIS GUY’S FREAKY. HE CAN DROWN FISH!
PLUS HE TURNED OVER WHAT WAS LEFT
TO AN ALCOHOLIC NAMED NOAH.
HE’S CLEARLY WACK-A-DOO.
SO PLEASE DO NOT TURN THE PAGE!
DIDN’T YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID?
THERE’S A GOD
AT THE END OF THIS BOOK!
LISTEN, I’M NOT KIDDING.
AFTER HE DROWNED EVERYONE, HE LET PEOPLE MULTIPLY AND
THEN CHOSE ABE AND SARAH TO BE HIS BEST BUDS.
GOD PROMISED THEM A KID, AND THEY HAD ONE,
AND THEN GOD ORDERED ABE TO MURDER HIM
JUST TO SEE IF ABE LOVED GOD MORE THAN HE LOVED HIS SON!
THIS IS NOT SOMEBODY YOU WANT TO MESS WITH.
SO PLEASE,
DO NOT TURN THE PAGE!
YOU TURNED THE PAGE!
DON’T YOU BELIEVE ME?
I’M NOT MAKING THIS UP.
LISTEN, AFTER ABE, GOD’S PEOPLE WERE ENSLAVED IN EGYPT,
AND THERE WAS THIS FELLOW MOSES
WHO WORKED FOR GOD AND GOT THEM OUT.
BUT GOD TORTURED THE EGYPTIANS FIRST. WHY?
TO SHOW THEM WHO’S BOSS, THAT’S WHY.
HE SENT HIS ANGEL OF DEATH TO KILL
EVERY FIRSTBORN MALE IN EGYPT.
WHY? ’CAUSE HE COULD, THAT’S WHY.
YOU DO NOT WANT TO MEET THIS GOD!
SO PLEASE:
DO NOT TURN THE PAGE!
MAYBE YOU THINK YOU CAN BARGAIN WITH GOD,
IS THAT IT? YOU THINK YOU CAN KISS UP TO HIM?
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
HIS HIGH PRIEST AARON HAD TWO BOYS
WHO LOVED GOD SO MUCH THEY WANTED TO WORSHIP HIM.
THEIR NAMES WERE NADAB AND ABIHU.
NO, YOU WOULDN’T WANT TO GO THROUGH SCHOOL
WITH THOSE NAMES TODAY, BUT THAT WASN’T THEIR PROBLEM.
THEIR PROBLEM WAS THAT THEY LOVED GOD
AND WENT TO WORSHIP HIM BUT DID SO IN THE WRONG WAY.
SO YOU KNOW WHAT GOD DID?
HE BURNED THEM UP LIKE TOAST!
WHY? ’CAUSE HE’S NUTS, THAT’S WHY!
SO COME ON, WHADDYA SAY, DON’T TURN THE PAGE?
A DEATH WISH?
MAYBE YOU THINK ANOTHER GOD WILL SAVE YOU.
IS THAT IT? WELL, FORGET THAT!
THERE WAS A GOD NAMED BAAL
WHO CHALLENGED GOD AND
SO GOD’S PROPHET ELIJAH CHALLENGED
THE PRIESTS OF BAAL TO A FIRE-MAKING CONTEST.
TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY OF BAAL’S GUYS AGAINST ELIJAH.
THE BAAL BOYS PRAYED AND PRAYED,
BUT THEIR GOD DIDN’T EVEN GIVE ’EM A SPARK.
ELIJAH CALLED TO HIS GOD, AND WHAMMM!
NOT ONLY DID THE FIRE IGNITE,
BUT THE 250 PRIESTS OF BAAL CAUGHT FIRE
ALONG WITH IT.
DON’T TURN THE PAGE!
MAYBE YOU’RE A KID
AND YOU THINK GOD WON’T KILL KIDS.
BUT HE DOES.
THAT PROPHET ELIJAH I MENTIONED?
ONCE THERE WERE FORTY-TWO KIDS MAKING FUN OF HIM,
AND HE CALLED OUT TO GOD,
AND YOU KNOW WHAT GOD DID?
HE SENT A HUGE BEAR TO KILL THE KIDS.
NOT SCARE ’EM AWAY—KILL THEM!
GOD’S GOT A THING FOR KILLING KIDS.
SO PLEASE—
DO NOT TURN THE PAGE!
NO ONE IS SAFE FROM GOD.
THERE WAS THIS FELLA JOB—NICEST GUY, LOVED GOD—
AND GOD KILLED HIS KIDS AND HIS SERVANTS.
WHY?
’CAUSE GOD BET THE DEVIL THAT JOB WOULDN’T GET MAD.
THAT’S RIGHT: GOD MURDERED JOB’S KIDS
JUST TO SEE IF THAT WOULD PISS JOB OFF.
AND WHEN IT DIDN’T,
GOD TORTURED JOB AND COVERED HIS BODY IN OOZING SORES.
SURE, GOD HEALED JOB AND GAVE HIM NEW KIDS
WHEN STILL JOB REFUSED TO GET MAD,
BUT ALL THE SAME, THIS ISN’T THE ACT OF A SANE PERSON.
SO PLEASE
DO NOT TURN THE PAGE!
YOU ARE ALMOST THERE!
ONE LAST TRY:
THIS GOD IS SO NUTS HE KILLED HIS OWN KID.
HE HAD A BABY BOY WITH A JEWISH GIRL,
AND HE SET HIM AGAINST ROME,
AND THE ROMANS CRUCIFIED HIM.
THAT’S WHAT HE DID. HE HAD HIS OWN SON MURDERED.
HE COULD HAVE STOPPED IT. BUT HE DIDN’T.
SOME PEOPLE SAY HIS SON IS GOD, TOO.
AND THEN YOU KNOW WHAT GOD DOES?
HE COMES BACK AND SLAUGHTERS MILLIONS MORE PEOPLE!
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
DO NOT TURN THE PAGE!
TO MEET THIS GOD. WELL, GO
AHEAD THEN, TURN THE PAGE AND
SEE WHO IT IS THAT SLAUGHTERS
MILLIONS. I TRIED TO SAVE YOU,
BUT IT’S YOUR FUNERAL.
TURN THE DAMN PAGE!