Quibdó, 11 April 2018

Dear friend,

Last week I felt ill, with various symptoms. I’ve been without my glasses for a while now and I think it’s making me dizzy. I have a huge to-do list, and I never stop working. Happily, cheerfully. On the outside I’m always strong. I keep calm, try to find a solution for everything. I smile. I get up early and carry on.

I don’t have time for anything besides Motete. What little time I do have is spent with my husband and at home, which is basically the same thing.

I’m very careful about what I say, which means I don’t complain about all this to anyone. The few problems I talk about or mention are Motete’s, which are nothing unusual, and I always end up saying we’ll work something out. I’ve got used to talking about beauty: the beauty of achievements, of projects. However, it really does make me ill, and tired.

No doubt we’ll talk about all this. No doubt it’ll pass. What worries me most is the idea that I might be trying to hide my vulnerability, that I’ve decided it’s my duty to be strong. And I forget I also have the right to collapse now and then.

I’ve written this, for example, at different moments, because every time I have to go and deal with something I put on a smile as usual, roll up my sleeves and get on with whatever it is.

What will happen if I let myself fall apart, if I stop pretending I’m strong, and scream and cry? What if one morning I decide I don’t want to get out of bed?

That will probably come about before too long, as it has done before. Meanwhile, I carry on in this role.

Kisses,

Vel