Berthold: My Crappy Jokes

I didn’t have the means to take Violet out to Luigi’s to celebrate the temporary reprieve of the cherry trees, so I invited her to come up to the flat for a coffee instead. Not coffee from the Clooney coffee machine, not even Gold Blend, but Lidl own-brand. That’s what we were reduced to.

‘I can’t stay long,’ she said. ‘I’m supposed to be at work.’

‘Work?’

‘I work in International Wealth Preservation.’

‘Blimey, I could do with a bit of that.’

She giggled as if I’d said something hilarious, and I thought, if Meredith had still been alive, she would have been roughly the same age as Violet, giggling at my crappy jokes.

‘I think the cherry trees’ll be all right for the time being. Thanks to you, Berthold. But you need to keep an eye on Len. He’s had a funny turn.’ She flashed a smile, finished her coffee quickly and was gone.

A few minutes later, I saw her crossing the grove wearing a rather fetching little lilac outfit, stopping briefly to chat with the colourfully dressed elders from the tent, who were sitting out on the bench in the sunshine.

‘Nice girl, but skinny.’ Inna was putting Flossie’s cage out on to the balcony so she could enjoy the sunshine. ‘Too young. Need more fat. Other one, fatty council lady, look better for you.’ She fixed me with a shrewd eye. ‘You still homosexy, Mister Bertie?’

I shrugged, not dignifying her absurd obsession with a reply. To me Violet seemed not skinny but perfectly formed. However, Inna had identified something that was puzzling me too. Although Violet had seized my heart, strangely my lust had been stirred not by her but by plump, ageing Mrs Penny. There was something urgent in her desire that roused a response in me. Likewise the Immortal Bard’s passion was torn between the dark lady of his lust and the blond angel of his spirit. Sometimes the male beast is a mystery, even to men. I sighed.

‘It’s time for lunch. Let’s open a tin of tuna.’ I buttered some bread, and chopped up a lettuce. ‘You were going to tell me about your murky past in Moldova, Inna.’