BEST FRIEND IS A TOTAL BITCH GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH

You will need:

 

Two slices sourdough bread
Butter, lots of it
Cheese, any variety,
but Gruyère rules
Bacon

As you stand there wondering why she can’t just swear that she didn’t sleep with your boyfriend—how hard is that question?—slice cheese (much like you would like to slice her throat). Saying she didn’t and acting all indignant is not the same as swearing on her mother’s life. And she’s such a bitch for refusing to swear on her mother’s life and for acting like you did something wrong by asking her to do it.

 

In a skillet, melt enough butter to coat pan. Place one slice of bread in skillet and top with cheese, bacon, more cheese, and bread. Push down on sandwich with spatula as you play the conversation out for the fiftieth time:

You: So why is everyone saying that you slept with my boyfriend?

 

Former BFF: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

 

You: Are you kidding me?

 

Former BFF: No.

 

You: Like, everybody’s been saying that you totally hooked up with him.

 

Former BFF: Ew. No. I would never. In the first place, I wouldn’t do that to you, and, in the second place, he is so not hot.

 

You: Why are you such a bitch?

 

Former BFF: Oh am I? I’m a bitch because your boyfriend is a dog and cheats on you?

You: Why can’t you just swear on it?

 

Former BFF: Don’t insult me.

 

You: Just swear. Swear on the life of your mother.

 

Former BFF: Whatever!

Flip sandwich, adding more butter to the pan. Press down to crisp up bottom. Think for a moment that perhaps she didn’t sleep with him. Decide that is impossible—the bitch is a total slut, and she’s always been jealous of you. When cheese is melted and both sides browned, turn onto a plate and enjoy. Call boyfriend to see if he wants to hang out later.