FORECLOSURE FIESTA

You will need:

 

Spare change
6 avocados
1 lime
1 clove garlic, halved
1 small onion, chopped
Small bunch cilantro, chopped
1 tomato, chopped
Salt

Arrange four chairs—you know, the ones that have yet to be repossessed—in a semicircle for the few friends who haven’t abandoned you. Take jar of change to nearest Coinstar machine; use proceeds ($56.34) to buy ingredients and rent frozen-margarita machine. (Note: in parts of the western United States, limes and avocados grow on trees and may be procured by shimmying up trunk and self-picking.)

 

Use extra-long extension cord to siphon electricity from neighbor for margarita machine. Soak onion in juice of one lime. Mash avocado into a bowl that has been rubbed with garlic. Add onions and all other ingredients and season with salt.

 

Should repo man arrive for chairs, invite him in and serve guacamole with chips. The more the merrier! When party is over, do not feel despondent; look on the bright side: no more annoying mortgage payments or nosy neighbors to worry about and there is no need to clean up. Simply pack leftovers in a cooler and go sit in the park.