FORTY YEARS OLD AND FIRED FROM STARBUCKS CHEWY FRUIT AND NUT COOKIE STACK
You will need:
Large pockets
After Laurie is finished reading the lengthy list of your infractions (not knowing the difference between an Americano and a macchiato, a distaste for Bob Dylan, waving your hand in front of your nose and saying PU when someone orders soy milk), head home with your pockets full of goodies to tide you over until you find another job.
Open one pack madeleines, being careful not to strain your carpal-tunnel-affected wrist (curse that incessant foaming). Place one madeleine on plate.
Make a list of pros and cons of being fired from the Bucks.
Pros: No longer have to work for self-important seventeen-year-old Laurie
No more apron
Don’t have to listen to overcaffeinated eighty-year-old ladies talk about gout
No more having to go to the bathroom every ten minutes
Dan Zanes-free afternoons
Can sleep late
Can watch television all day
Are too old to work at Starbucks in any case
Cons: Have to pay for coffee
Not getting paid
Have to get another job
Are totally unqualified to do anything but work at Starbucks
Take one Chewy Fruit and Nut bar, layer it between two madeleines. Top with one Fruit Stella™ from pocket. Call mother and ask if you can stay at her house for a while—tell her you will bring a pound of Café Estima Blend© Fair Trade Certified™ ground for her Mr. Coffee machine. Take one-pound bag of said coffee out of pants, where it has been chafing since you shoved it down there on your way out the door.
Place remaining madeleine on top of Fruit Stella™ and smush down with the palm of your hand, the way your ego was squashed when Laurie chewed you out in front of all the regulars this morning for filling your mouth with whipped cream directly from the can. Who doesn’t do that? Remember how humiliating it was when everyone was staring at you, and the whipped cream was falling in globs onto your apron. Sandwich the stack between two black-and-white cookies. Shove as much of the Chewy Fruit and Nut cookie stack as you can into your mouth at once. Walk to Jamba Juice; fill out application.
