COCKTAIL NIBBLES FOR ALCOHOLICS

You will need:

 

1 package Pillsbury Grands
Frozen Biscuits
Small wedge of brie, cut
into chunks
Dried cranberries
1 cup chopped walnuts,
if desired

 

Step 1

Wake to find that you are sleeping next to complete stranger. Quietly get up, and examine said stranger’s apartment for indication of who he is and what city you are in. The phone book is a good start. Scranton? Oh boy. Not again. Quietly phone taxi company.

 

Step 2

Once home, take two Tylenol and one Aleve and hope for the best. Sleep for seven to ten hours, drooling as desired.

 

Step 3

When you wake, pour ¾ cup alcohol into a glass and drink. Vodka works. If no vodka is available, the following may be substituted: whiskey, rum, gin, schnapps, Listerine.

 

Step 4

Open package Pillsbury Grands. Preheat oven to 350°F. Separate biscuits and place one into each well of muffin tin. Pour 1 cup vodka into glass. Drink.

 

Step 5

Place one or two chunks of brie on top of each biscuit. Listen to messages; delete disappointed, judgmental one from passive-aggressive AA sponsor.

 

Step 6

Call friend and nonchalantly invite her over for some cocktails. If you are drinking Listerine, this is a good opportunity to ask her to bring vodka. Be sure to do it subtly. Try, “If you happen to be passing by a liquor store . . .”

 

Step 7

Place a few dried cranberries and walnuts, if using, on top of cheese and pop into oven. Take shower to remove clammy film left by excessive sweating.

 

Step 8

Check oven. When nibbles are golden brown and puffy, much like your face, remove from oven and cool on a wire rack.

 

Step 9

Cut each biscuit into four bites, arrange decoratively on a serving dish to accompany vodka when it arrives with enabler.

 

Step 10

Enjoy cheese nibbles with vodka, taking care to occasionally acknowledge presence of enabler.

 

Step 11

When vodka is gone, suggest to enabler that you pop out to local bar. Once at bar, forget all about enabler and pay close attention to the kind gentleman who is buying your drinks. Try to get a good look at his face, however blurry it may be. If you have a camera on your cell phone, you may want to take a picture. It could come in handy later.

 

Step 12

Agree that you and your new gentleman friend should continue your conversation back at his place. So what if it’s in Scranton?