STINKING NO GOOD BROKEDOWN CAR BUTTERMILK FRIED CHICKEN

You will need:

 

Bus pass
4 chicken breasts, bone
in, skin on
2 cups buttermilk
1 Tbs. salt
1 Tbs. paprika
½ tsp. cayenne
Flour
Oil for frying
Alarm clock

Set alarm clock for two hours earlier than you would have to get up if your car weren’t a piece of junk. Put chicken breasts in a plastic bag filled with buttermilk and place in the refrigerator. Once in driveway, pause at vehicle to kick it thirteen times or until your aggression has been sufficiently satisfied. Walk mile and a half to bus stop. Be sure to dress appropriately for the weather, as you will have to wait twenty-seven minutes for the bus.

 

Take bus seven miles, or one hour and twenty minutes, to workplace. After work, repeat, taking bus for one hour and twenty minutes. From your stop, walk mile and a half to your home while cursing the Russians for producing second-rate vehicles, and yourself for buying one off craigslist.

 

Pour oil into a heavy skillet or cast-iron pan. The oil should reach halfway up the sides of the pan. Heat to 325°F. Drain chicken of excess buttermilk. If friends should call, entice them with a fried-chicken-themed slumber party, in the hopes that they might stay the night, thereby ensuring you a ride to work in the morning. Rub chicken all over with spice mixture and dredge in flour.

 

Try to donate vehicle to a charitable organization that will remove it from your property.

 

Fry chicken in oil until golden brown, about 5 minutes on each side. Drain on a wire rack and plan what to do with the car, as it will surely sit on your lawn for the next fifteen years or until you can afford to have it towed. Some possibilities are: Decide it’s a sculpture and charge admission to your gallery, plant a garden inside the hood like the neighbors have done, claim it used to belong to Bruce Willis and sell it on eBay.