CHEESE FONDUE BECAUSE YOUR THERAPIST FELL ASLEEP ON YOU

You will need:

 

6 cups Gruyère, grated
¼ cup flour
1 clove garlic, halved
1 bottle dry white wine
2 Tbs. sherry
Dash pepper
Dash nutmeg
Day-old bread, cubed

Toss cheese with flour and set aside in much the same way your very serious problems were so casually set aside by Dr. Sleepyhead. Rub bottom and sides of a pot with garlic. Heat 2½ cups of wine over low heat until small bubbles rise to surface. Feel your own childhood traumas rising to the surface also: like the time third-grade teacher Mrs. Hiesler exposed your naked behind and spanked you in front of the whole class and the time you walked in on your mom and dad—she inexplicably standing on the bed in her bra and underpants and he in his boxers, kneeling at her feet (?). Get tissues so tears do not fall into pot.

 

Just before wine boils, work cheese in slowly, watching as it dissolves and disappears into the wine just like you disappear into the wine every night in a vain attempt to hide from yourself. Stir constantly, until the fondue bubbles gently. Stir in sherry, pepper, and nutmeg, and pour into fondue pot. Stand directly over pot to better reach cheese and dunk bread into fondue. Drink remaining wine and stop your whining.