CINNAMON-SPICED APPLE FRITTER FOR WHEN YOUR HUSBAND RAN OFF WITH THE BABYSITTER

You will need:

2 apples
2 cups Bisquick
⅔ cup milk
1 egg
1 tsp. cinnamon
Oil for frying
Frumpy-looking nanny

Chop apples, roughly, leaving skins on. Wish that you had hired a rough-looking sitter instead of the beautiful blonde college student who watched your kids all summer. Mix together Bisquick, egg, and milk and stir in cinnamon.

 

Call mother of former babysitter to let her know that her daughter is a lying filthy home wrecker, and that she not only stole your husband but also your self-esteem and your favorite blue cashmere cardigan.

 

Drop apples in batter and stir to coat. Fry in oil until golden brown. On floor in living room, do Pilates, painful stomach crunches, push-ups, and squats, all in an effort to reverse direction of your sagging mommy’s body. Collapse in exhaustion and frustration that you will never look as good as your husband’s girlfriend.

In a large pot, heat oil to 360°F. Drop battered apples into hot oil, taking care not to splash any oil on your face, as hideous burn scars will not help you in your upcoming desperate search to find a mate.

 

Turn fritters and fry until golden brown. Since children are closer in age to the babysitter than you are, they will likely need to be told why they should hate her. Compile a list of reasons for them, including lies, if necessary:

She wants to send them to a school in the mountains where they
will have to forage for food.
She will spend their college funds buying fur coats.
She belongs to a cult that regularly sacrifices puppies and children.
She is German.

Sprinkle fritters with powdered sugar and enjoy as your last meal before the breast enhancement.