POSTPARTUM POTATO PIEROGIES

You will need:

 

Shampoo
Soap
Clean clothes
1 box frozen potato pierogies
Sour cream
Applesauce
1 onion
Butter

It’s been three months since you forced an eight pounder into the world through your ravaged vaginal tract. You haven’t showered in a month, and in that time you’ve eaten nothing but lousy TV dinners brought home to you by your baby’s useless father. Oh, and the occasional spoonful of chocolate syrup. It’s pierogi time!

 

Making pierogies is an extremely time-consuming process, and Lord knows you don’t have the energy or fortitude for such a task. Luckily, frozen pierogies are available almost everywhere, and they are good enough for a depressive slob like you.

 

First things first: Strap baby into car seat or bouncy chair; stick it in a drawer, if you must—whatever you have to do to take a shower, because you stink. Make sure to scrub clumps of dried spit-up from back of hair. And use soap. Please.

 

After shower, put on clean clothes. It wouldn’t hurt to brush your hair either. Also, a little eyeliner goes a long way. Remove hospital ID bracelet.

 

Slice onion very thin and fry in butter over low heat. Add pierogies to pan and cook until nice and brownish. Serve with applesauce and sour cream; realize the baby isn’t going to cry itself to death if you put her down for a minute while you enjoy a glass of wine and dream about nannies and boarding school.