EMERGENCY FOOD SOURCE FOR PLANE-CRASH SURVIVORS

You will need:

 

Confidence
Quick thinking
Patience
Sharp object

This recipe is, as stated, only for emergencies and not to be used if your plane has crashed on, say, an island with lots of food sources or someplace where there is access to grocery stores.

 

First move the bodies of the deceased to a cool area. This is easier if you have crashed on a mountain or near a polar ice cap. Next you must quickly assign blame for the crash. The easiest person to blame is the pilot. But as you are the pilot, you need to quickly point the finger elsewhere; wear your pilot’s hat for extra gravitas. Tell the other survivors that the copilot smelled like alcohol, and that you knew he had a problem but you didn’t know how bad it was till now.

 

You will also need to ingratiate yourself with the other survivors. Some of them may be complaining (there may be bone fractures, gashes, whiplash, or missed connections); some may have tedious personalities; some will just be jerks. No matter! You must make them like you, and to do that you have to listen to them and—this is very important—you have to empathize with them or at least make them think that you do. Without this crucial step, you risk mutiny.

 

Once people start to get hungry, it’s time to make some hard decisions. The first is who to eat. This is why it was a good idea to assign blame: That person is first up on the chopping block.

 

Using sharp object, find the fattiest portion of the corpse and carve out some nice-size fillets, one for each survivor. It isn’t really going to be possible to cook the fillets, but if there is a lens available, for example, from a severely myopic passenger, you can use it to focus sunlight onto the steaks and give them a nice sear. Repeat as often as necessary until rescue, or until you run out of people to blame. Then you’re on your own.