YOUR MARRIAGE IS A DISASTER SICILIAN LASAGNA

ou will need:

 

½ package lasagna noodles
1 lb. ground beef
1 onion, chopped
1 pint ricotta cheese
2 eggs
12 oz. tomato paste
1 clove garlic, minced
1 cup water
1 Tbs. salt
2 Tbs. dried rosemary
1 cup shredded
mozzarella cheese
¼ cup grated Parmesan
1 cup pharmaceutical atropine,
ground*

Preheat oven to 350°F. Sweep up shards of broken glass and grandmother’s china from last night’s argument. Bring large pot of salted water to a boil and cook noodles according to package directions. In a large pan (perhaps the one you hit your spouse over the head with the last time he called you a stupid cow and mooed at you every time you asked him something), brown beef with onion.

 

Meanwhile beat together ricotta and eggs, pouring anger, frustration, and tendency toward violence into the mixture. Remember that hubby stole ten thousand dollars from your grandmother to spend on Vicodin. Beat harder.

 

Rummage through his drawers until you find irrefutable evidence that he is sleeping with your sister. It should be in his sock drawer, under all the gay porn, and in the form of naked photos of the two of them together. Note with a modicum of surprise that the other person in the photos is your brother.

 

Back in the kitchen, add atropine powder to cheese mix, being careful not to taste or ingest in any way, as it will cause death. In a small pot, over low heat, combine water, tomato paste, garlic, and rosemary.

 

When noodles are fully cooked, assemble the lasagna in a 13 × 9 inch baking dish in layers as follows:

Small amount of sauce
½ of noodles
½ of sauce
Ricotta-bitterness mix
Rest of noodles
Meat for the meathead you married
Rest of sauce
Mozzarella
Parmesan

Sprinkle the finished lasagna with leftover atropine. Bake for 45 minutes or until brown and bubbling. Place on table set with flowers and wine, with a little note just saying, “Sorry.” Perhaps draw a cute smiley face to discourage suspicion.

 

* Atropine, while not readily available in grocery stores, can be obtained with a prescription or by robbing a pharmacy. In remote areas, it is possible to make atropine from scratch if enough deadly nightshade is available.