LEFT AT THE ALTAR PETITS-FOURS LOG
Linger at the altar no longer than 10 minutes. Be sure when leaving to storm straight down the aisle, not looking at anyone. You have two roles to consider: the poor, heartbroken bride or the angry, vengeful bride. I would opt for heartbroken, as your guests may not expect their gifts to be returned if they feel sorry for you.
Do not take off dress, no matter how uncomfortable you become, as wearing a wedding dress entitles you to order people around. In back of the church or reception hall, demand bridesmaids bring you all the lovely little cakes you and your bastard fiancé spent eighteen months picking out. Send maid of honor to fetch three bottles of champagne.
Take all petits fours and squash them into two log shapes, imagining they’re your fiancé’s face. When the maid of honor arrives with champagne, open one bottle and drink. Glass unnecessary. When mother of the groom arrives to offer sympathy, throw empty bottle at her, being careful to miss her head, as nobody will feel sorry for you anymore if you kill her.
Screaming in a loud voice, tell everyone that you want them to “Leave!” If necessary, push or shove them out of the room, including your closest friends and family members. Turn attention to the gifts. Tear open packages and sort contents into two piles, one for keeping and one for returning. Be sure to keep any gift receipts included with the returns.
Eat second petits-fours log, and tell everyone you know that fiancé would only have sex with you if you wore a blindfold and called him Boss Hog, being sure to elicit additional sympathy by pretending this was confusing and disturbing to you.
