Eat Your Feelings

Rush home from soul-destroying but well-paying job to spend time with your children. Find husband chatting with mommies on urbanbaby.com while children watch Noggin. Give dirty look to husband. When he says, “What? Dora enhances children’s language skills and interpersonal relationships,” give him a second dirty look. When he turns back to the computer to tell his online mommy friends how controlling and judgmental you are, give him a swat to the back of the head.

In kitchen, poke holes in piecrust and preheat oven to 425°F. Line crust with aluminum foil and fill with dried beans or pie weights. Bake in oven for 15 minutes or until golden brown. Slice onion into paper-thin rounds and ask yourself why you married a man who claimed to be an artist but never really created anything. Ask yourself why that didn’t occur to you before you had three children. Sauté onion in butter, over low heat, until golden and caramelized.

Beat together eggs, cream, and milk. Season with salt and pepper. When husband announces he has a “gig” as a DJ at a bar mitzvah next weekend, just ignore it. Grate cheese and spread it around piecrust. Top with onions. Place crust on a baking sheet to avoid spills in the oven—Lord knows, you’ll have to clean it up yourself. Enjoy brief fantasy of husband cooking and cleaning, wearing an apron, and handing you a cocktail when you walk in the door. Snap back to reality when he tells you he needs a little “mad money” because he’s having lunch with the ladies from Baby Yoga tomorrow. Think that if you had known you would be the sole breadwinner for a family of five, you might have majored in economics or math rather than anthropology with a minor in theater arts.

Pour eggs over onion and cheese, and bake for 30 minutes or until filling is baked through. If crust gets too brown, cover edges with aluminum foil and continue baking until done. Enjoy with several glasses of wine and irritation.