NOT EVEN A TOTAL LOSER WOULD SLEEP WITH YOU OATMEAL COOKIES

You will need:

 

3 cups brown sugar
3 cups butter
6 cups oatmeal
1 Tbs. baking soda
3 cups flour
Lower standards

What went wrong this time? Sexy outfit? Check. Big beautiful hair? Check. Glimmering, pouting lips? Check. So how come you’re home at 9:30 with the wrappers still on the condoms? Perhaps, as you suspected at the time, he really was autistic. Preheat the oven to 350°F.

 

Toss all ingredients in a large bowl. Use your hands to mix everything together. The dough will be dry—not quite as dry as your girl parts, but almost. Do a little math to figure out how many dates you have been on that ended with no happy ending. Answer: all of them. You thought this one would be good to go for sure—he had all the signs of someone desperate for action, right down to the lack of employment, severe stutter, and can of Axe sticking suggestively out of his backpack.

 

Form the dough into small balls—hey! Maybe the guy had really small balls and was just embarrassed to let you cradle them! Maybe you should call him and tell him that if that is the case you really don’t mind—small is better than nothing, right? Maybe he will appreciate your candor. Or maybe he will take offense and tell you that his balls are huge, in which case you could simply respond, “Prove it.” Butter the bottom of a glass or other flat object and coat with sugar; then smash the cookie balls flat onto an ungreased cookie sheet. (Ouch.) Bake for 10 minutes and lower standards to somewhere between grizzled recluse and registered sex offender.