HOME FRIES FOR THE UNINSURED

You will need:

 

Plastic knife
2 potatoes
Canola oil
½ onion
½ green pepper
Mrs. Dash
Salt
Pepper
Q-Tip
Bourbon
Flashlight
Mirror

Peel and thinly slice potatoes using plastic knife, as you are unable to afford the financial burden of losing a digit or parts thereof. Cut onion and pepper into chunks. Wearing flame-retardant clothing, as skin grafts are extremely costly, pour enough oil to coat a skillet and warm over medium-high heat.

 

Layer potatoes in the pan, topping with onions and peppers. Sprinkle with salt, pepper, and Mrs. Dash. Cover and let cook for 10 minutes or until potatoes are brown on the bottom. Add more oil to the pan and flip potatoes—very carefully—to brown the other side.

 

Call a friend and offer her fifty dollars to come over and give you a Pap smear. When she reminds you that she is not a doctor, tell her to stop nitpicking and assure her that you will provide the Q-Tips. Cook potatoes for 10 minutes more, until brown and crisp. Enjoy with bourbon to loosen you up, and then using flashlight and mirror perform auto- colonoscopy. Wash hands.