TWENTY-NINE AND STILL CAN’T PAY YOUR RENT VEGGIE SANDWICH

You will need:

 

Recycling center
Absence of pride
Internet access
Bun

Take one month’s worth of empty beer cans to recycling center. Stand in line and when it is your turn feed your cans into the machine and collect money. Do not be tempted to buy gum ball from a machine for twenty-five cents—that’s five cans! Instead head to a friend’s house (make sure they have Internet access) and post an ad on craigslist, offering whatever services you can. If you have no available services, consider offering your back as advertising space, donating body fluids, or medical testing.

 

Head to nearest Roy Rogers and purchase a single, plain bun. Stop off at the free Fixin’s Bar and load that sucker up with all the lettuce, tomato, onion, and pickles you can handle. Smother in your choice of condiment.

 

Call parents and beg for assistance with rent. Use as incentive the threat to donate eggs or sperm, painting vivid portrait of their potential grand-children on sale to the general public.