DUMPED ON NEW YEAR’S EVE MEATBALL SANDWICH

You will need:

 

1 loaf Italian bread
Butter
1 cup tomato sauce
10 frozen meatballs
½ cup shredded mozzarella
Parmesan cheese
Large box

Take off party dress—you aren’t going anywhere. Throw party hats and noisemakers in garbage. Close windows and turn on music very loud so as not to hear revelers in the street. But don’t discard the champagne—that would be a terrible idea. In fact, pour yourself a large tumbler of it and preheat the oven to 325°F.

 

Slice bread lengthwise just as your former boyfriend sliced through your heart. Spread butter on both sides of bread and place in the oven until lightly toasted. Prepare meatballs according to package directions. Stop crying before handling hot meatballs. Take five deep breaths to calm heaving sobs. Remove bread from oven and place on a baking sheet.

 

Arrange meatballs on bread and top with sauce and mozzarella, reserving two meatballs and a little bit of sauce. Take stupid snow globe that your ex-boyfriend thought was a romantic Christmas gift and throw it out the window just to hear it smash on the street. If it should hit a New Year’s Eve reveler on the head, all the better. In any case, they will most likely be too drunk to remember it.

 

Sprinkle Parmesan cheese over sandwich and return to oven. Squeeze together reserved meatballs and sauce to resemble fecal matter. Place in box. Plaster with ex-boyfriend’s address and place by door so you don’t forget to take it to post office when it opens on January 2. Bake sandwich until cheese is melted and enjoy with more champagne as you consider that things could be worse—you could be Dick Clark.