INGLE MOTHER BEEF STEW

You will need:

 

4 8 oz. cans diet Red Bull
1 lb. stew beef
2 stalks celery, chopped
2 carrots, chopped
Babysitter
½ lb. new potatoes
1 onion
2 cups red wine
1 bay leaf
Salt and pepper
8 hours

Open 8 oz. can Red Bull. Cut stew beef into chunks. Wake sixteen-year-old Trevor. This can only be accomplished through screaming and threats to take away cell phone and Wii. Hide Trevor’s reptilian contact lenses and encourage him not to wear so much white pancake makeup for one day.

 

Check on twelve-year-old Lisa, who has been up since 5:30 a.m. straightening her hair. Make her remove excessive eyeliner. Sign note from her teacher telling her you are aware of her plummeting math grades.

 

Time to wake one-year-old Oscar. Give in to urge to crawl into crib for a quick snuggle. Fall asleep and have brief dream about being twenty-two and having sex with your college boyfriend. Wake in a cold sweat when Oscar sticks finger up your nose.

 

Throw freezer waffles into family-size toaster to take care of breakfast. Open one more Red Bull. Drink.

 

Peel and chop carrots. Place all ingredients in a Crock-Pot set to “slow cook” while waiting for babysitter to arrive. As horrid realization that the sitter isn’t going to show sets in, open another Red Bull, resisting urge to add vodka. Breathe deeply as you call every disgruntled former babysitter and offer them exorbitant amounts of money, all to no avail.

 

Put older kids on school bus and bring baby to work. Smuggle baby into office in backpack. Place him under your desk with toys. The following office supplies make suitable toys: tape, Post-its, nonlead pencils. The following do not make suitable toys: X-Acto knives, letter openers, staplers, ink cartridges, box cutters, the mailroom guy.

 

Have one medium-size workplace tantrum. It is important to let everyone know just how hard life is for you at the moment: It will elicit sympathy or, at the very least, keep people from bothering you with more work. It may also help drown out the noise of the baby.

 

After work, take baby to Lisa’s soccer game. Embarrass Lisa with your excessive cheering as you try and avoid idle chitchat with other “happily” married mothers who only want to set you up with their fathers.

 

At home, the stew should be done. Remove bay leaf. Call down to basement to tell Trevor dinner is ready and that his friend Toby can stay. Doesn’t Toby have his own home? Serve over rice or noodles.