When Ryder and I arrived back from Aspen, we basically hibernated in my apartment for the rest of winter break.
During that time, my feelings for him have only intensified.
I still think it’s too early to throw the love word around but if I had to guess, I would say I’m pretty damn close.
Maddy thinks I’m already in love and have been for a while now but I’ve never been in love so I don’t exactly know how to tell.
I tried to casually bring up Tyler’s call to her on Christmas Day but she was quick to shut me down and I’ve been too nervous to bring it up again.
Plus, I’ve been distracted by the seriously hunky man that’s basically been living in my apartment.
Classes start up again tomorrow and that means back to the real world.
It’s hard to believe that I only have one semester of senior year left.
One final semester of college then it’s time to head out into the big wide world like a grown up and find a job.
I’ve wanted to bring up Ryder’s plans after graduation a few times but I feel like it’s too soon to be contemplating that far ahead.
After all, I’ve never gotten this serious with someone before and I don’t want to jinx it or do something to stuff it up.
Most of the time I feel like Ryder feels the same way about me but then he can act strange and it causes me to doubt everything.
I’ve suggested a few times that we could go and stay at his apartment for a few nights but he always changes the subject, saying my apartment is nicer.
When he’s left to get some more clothes or says he has an errand to run, he says that it’s too cold out and I should just stay here where it’s warm.
I agree with him because I don’t want to start an argument but it’s beginning to bug me. I’m starting to get paranoid that he’s hiding something from me.
Maddy thinks I should outright ask to see his apartment and not take no for an answer but I’m terrified if I do that then he will leave and never come back.
Basically, I’ve become pathetic.
I’ve never had a problem standing up for myself before but it just feels different with Ryder.
I’m so invested in him that I’m terrified I’ll do something wrong.
It was so much easier when all I wanted from a guy was casual sex, this relationship stuff is hard work.
Ryder came back from one of his mysterious errands an hour ago and has been quiet ever since.
We’ve been watching TV but he seems distracted. Out of the blue, he says, “Let’s go out for dinner tonight.”
I glance at Ryder over my shoulder, “You mean get takeout and bring it back here?” because that’s all I had planned for tonight.
Perking up, he becomes rather animated, “No, I mean go out. Like a date. In a restaurant.”
What is with him tonight? “But that means I’d have to share you,” I whine.
Rolling his eyes, he clarifies, “I don’t mean in a group, it would be just us.”
I figured that’s what he meant but that means moving and he’s so comfy. “I know but that means other people would be around and I like having you to myself.”
He grips me tighter, “And I like having you to myself but you also deserve a nice night out. I’d like to treat you.”
“I guess that sounds nice.” We have spent a ridiculous amount of time couped up in my apartment. I haven’t left it for a few days now so getting out isn’t really a bad thing.
My body moves with the force of Ryder’s laughter, “You gave me an incredible winter holiday Liv. Let me do something nice for you in return.”
Ugh, fine then, he wins, “Okay.”
His smile alone is worth me saying yes. I love it when he smiles at me like that.
It’s like I’m his whole world.
He leans down to kiss me, “I need to run back to my apartment for a bit, I’ll pick you up in a few hours.”
He’s leaving again? What does he need to do this time? “Why don’t I just come with you?”
“But then I won’t be able to knock on your door with flowers like a real date,” he winks and I decide Maddy’s advice can wait.
Why rock the boat when things are pretty perfect?
“Fine,” I fold my arms over my chest. “Leave me then. Again.”
“Don’t be like that Liv.”
“It’s fine, I’ll see you later.” Giving the TV my full attention, I wait patiently for him to leave.
Dropping down onto his knees in front of me, he lifts my chin so I’m forced to look at him. “I promise I’ll take you to my apartment one day, I just…I don’t want to lose you.”
“Why would you lose me?” It’s just an apartment.
He said he lives quite a way out of the city since it’s more affordable but is he embarrassed for me to see his place or something?
It’s not like I would judge him for where he lives.
He opens his mouth to say something but then shakes his head. “Never mind,” he stands up, “I’ll be back in a few hours for our date.”
A few seconds later, I hear the front door close.
That was weird.
Now I’m really starting to think he’s hiding something from me.
It can’t be another girl as he’s with me ninety five percent of the time but does he have a creepy roommate or cook methamphetamine in his apartment or something?
He wouldn’t be worried about losing me if he just lived in a shitty apartment so there must be more to it, but what?
I don’t even know his address so it’s not like I can use Google Maps to scope out his place from the street.
Does he live above a strip club or something?
A million scenarios are running through my head and each one keeps getting worse so to distract myself, I have a shower and start getting ready for our date.
When I hear a knock on the door a few hours later, I look through the peephole and roll my eyes when I see Ryder standing there in a button-down shirt holding a bunch of red roses.
Opening the door, I stand with my hand on one hip and raise an eyebrow, “It’s not Valentine’s Day, you don’t need to try so hard.”
The smile slips from his face, “Are you mad?”
Leaving the door open, I walk over to the table and grab my handbag, “Let’s just go to dinner.”
Walking into the apartment, he shuts the door and places the roses down on the table. “Liv, I’m sorry I haven’t taken you to my apartment or introduced you to my friends, I know how it must look but-”
“But what?” I interrupt.
Cupping my face in his hands, he whispers, “I don’t want to lose you Liv.”
“Ryder,” pushing his hands away, I take a step back. “Why would you lose me? In case you haven’t noticed I’m crazy about you.”
His eyes plead with me to understand, “And I’m crazy about you. I’ve never met anyone like you before Liv and I don’t want to do anything to screw this up. I’m scared if I let you into my life that you’re going to realize I’m not good enough for you.”
Why the hell does he always say stuff like that? “What are you talking about Ryder? How would you think you aren’t good enough for me?”
“I’m never going to be able to take you skiing in Aspen or Switzerland. I’m never going to be able to take you anywhere. All I have to offer you is me and that is terrifying.”
“Ryder,” I say carefully. “I don’t need anything but you. I’m sorry if I gave you the impression that I need more but I don’t. I don’t care about Aspen or Switzerland or any of that stuff, you make me happy.”
Looking to the side, he runs his hands over his shaved head. “There’s things about my past, things you won’t like. If I tell you, you’ll leave me.”
“No I won’t Ryder,” I say adamantly.
He looks completely hopeless, “Yeah Liv, you will.”
Stepping closer to him, I run my hands up his chest and link them behind his neck. “Let’s forget about your past and your apartment for now, they don’t matter. Let’s go to dinner like you planned.” Lifting up on my toes, I place a gentle kiss on his lips. “Thank you for the roses, they’re beautiful.”
Whatever Ryder is thinking about has him completely rattled.
I’ve never seen him like this before.
Everyone has a past and I wouldn’t expect Ryder’s to be all sunshine and rainbows growing up in foster care but I trust that he’ll tell me when he’s ready.
I meant it when I said all I needed was him.
Picking up the roses, I fill a vase with water and arrange them on the center of the table.
Once I’m happy with how they look, I take Ryder’s hand in mine and lead him to the door. “Where are you taking me?”
“I thought we could go to Russo’s,” he says quietly.
“Going all out huh?” Russo’s is this fancy Italian place down by the harbor.
Maddy and I went there to celebrate her twenty first birthday and the food is incredible.
He smiles sadly, “You deserve the best.”
“I already have the best.” When he looks confused, I add, “You.”
Shaking his head, he mutters, “I don’t deserve you Liv.”
“Nonsense.” Pushing the button for the elevator, I turn and wrap my arms around him. “Now stop being a sorry sack and let’s have this nice date you planned. Just know that I’m planning the dessert.”
His eyebrows raise in interest, “What kind of dessert?”
“The kind that involves coming back here and licking food off each other.” What other kind of dessert is there?
Lowering his hands, his squeezes my ass, “Why are we going out again?”
“Because it was your dumb idea,” I joke.
Walking me backwards into the elevator, his eyes never leave mine. “Why didn’t you talk me out of this stupid idea then?”
“It may not have been a totally stupid idea.” Now that we are all dressed up and heading out, I’m kind of looking forward to this date.
He grins, “Yeah?”
“Yeah, it may be kind of sweet.” I love that Ryder looks like a total badass but really, he’s the sweetest guy I’ve ever met.
He’s a total conundrum but he’s one that I don’t mind if I never solve.
I should just ask him to move into my apartment then I won’t have to worry about him sneaking off all the time.
We take Ryder’s bike to Russo’s and he takes the date thing completely seriously for the entire night. He pulls my chair out, pours my wine and tells me that I’m the most beautiful woman he’s ever laid eyes on.
Basically, I’m a puddle of goo ready to orgasm all over the restaurant floor so I ask for the check which he insists on paying.
When we leave the restaurant, I grin at Ryder, “You better not act like a gentleman and drop me at my door, kissing my cheek before you leave.”
Smirking, he throws his leg over his bike and hands me my helmet, “Don’t worry, I plan on stripping you naked and shoving my cock down your throat.”
Getting giddy with excitement, I pull my helmet on and cuddle into Ryder’s back. “Good boy. I was worried you were going soft on me.”
“Ha,” he says before the bike rubbles to life. I manage to catch him say, “Like I could ever go soft around you,” before his bike lurches forward and we are racing back to my apartment for dessert.
Ryder parks his bike outside my apartment building and as I’m hopping off the back, I catch sight of a familiar face.
“Hey Bentley,” I call out.
Ryder looks in Bentley’s direction then starts muttering under his breath.
“Be nice Ryder,” I warn.
Bentley waves when he sees me and starts walking in my direction.
Leaving Ryder to sulk, I meet him halfway. “How was your break?”
He shrugs, “It was okay. How was Aspen?”
“It was great,” I exclaim. “Not looking forward to classes starting tomorrow though.”
“Yeah I know what you mean.” Ryder walks up behind me and puts his arm over my shoulder. Bentley smiles politely, “Hey Ryder.”
“Bentley,” Ryder nods once.
After a moment of awkward silence where they stare at one another, I ask, “You still up for our library sessions this semester?”
Ryder stiffens but Bentley let’s out a deep breath, “Yeah of course. I wasn’t sure if you wanted to continue or not.”
“Trust me, I could use all the help I can get. Why don’t I text you?”
“Yeah sure-”
“It’s pretty cold out, why don’t we head inside Liv?”
Shocked, I turn to face Ryder to scold him but Bentley beats me to it. “He’s right, I should get going but don’t forget to text.”
Smiling, I ignore Ryder’s frown, “Sure Bentley, see you.”
He waves goodbye and takes off down the street.
Ryder watches him go then says quietly, “I don’t trust him.”
“Why?” I ask sarcastically. “Because he has a dick?”
He shakes his head, “No, I just get a bad vibe off him.”
“Off Bentley?” I laugh. “He’s the like nicest guy ever.”
Ryder’s eyebrows raise up near his hairline, “Nicest guy ever huh? What about me?”
“Please,” I joke. “You are pure bad boy and that’s just how I like you.”
“I’m not all bad,” he says seriously.
“I know Ryder, it was just a joke.” When he doesn’t laugh, I add, “Let’s go inside before your dick shrivels up. You still owe me dessert.”
Finally cracking his serious expression, he starts walking me towards my building. “Dessert is coming right up and trust when I say that my dick will never shrivel up around you.”
I love it when he says dirty stuff to me. “Good to know. Now let’s get inside so you can strip me down and warm me up.”
“Yes ma’am.”